When I talk to gay people who are way older than I am, they often tell me that the one thing they dislike is a closet gay person. They tell me that those people won't truly be happy unless they free themselves from the 4 walls of their closets. They often tell me this while staring intently at me.
I get it, they can snuff out people like them. And their gaydar is accurate enough. I'm pretty sure when they told me that, it was meant as an advice. It's probably true.
I've been reading alot of 'coming out' stories the past few weeks, and I thought why not tell them my coming out story.
It's actually corny. No plates were thrown. No drama. Well, there was a little drama.
I came out to my friends about six times. Twice to my housemates, to my three other friends and to my best friend / one-time-love-of-my-life.
This happened the last few months of my stay in Marikina with my housemates. I was with Cedric back then. When I haven't outed myself yet, we were most of the time sneaking around, and it was difficult. While I could always go to their house, it's a twenty minute ride away from the office, while our apartment was just a three minute walk.
But then of course, living with others you also have to be careful not to get caught doing the nasty, so I decided to tell my friends.
It was difficult, making that decision, number one the reason for my coming out was quite selfish. And my friends, no matter how long we've been together as friends you wouldn't know how they would react when the truth is told. And even if all four of them are good friends, I've known of friends falling out because they can't accept that the guy is gay.
Suffice to say, they were shocked. They had no idea. They knew I tried to court one of our female colleague. But they were happy for me. They didn't like the guy I was with, but they knew that my coming out was a burden off my shoulder. I didn't tell all of them, instead I gave them permission to tell a couple more in our barkada the truth about me.
The next day was touching, because they decided it's time for all of us to have a group hug.
They did what I always hoped my friends would do. They accept me.
THE BEST FRIEND
I've written about him already and what happened after I outed myself. But for the sake of those who forgot or are new to this blog, I'll tell it again.
Joy was one of my best friends/constant gimmick buddy/love of my life. He's straight.
During that time, he just broke up with his girlfriend of nine years. That was the time we really got close. We often would talk on the phone for hours. Go out have coffee dates or watch a movie. We've been friends for two years at that time. And people (specially the gay guys) often envy my friendship with him because he's hot.
At that time I was head over heels in love with this guy. Like I'd resort to witchcraft or I'd be willing to sell my soul to the devil just so he could reciprocate his feelings for me.
So one day, he finally decided to finally move on from his heartache. That actually meant for him to meet up with new girls and date around. Being young and stupid, I felt threatened for our friendship.
One drunk evening I decided to pour out my heart on a text message for Joy that not only outed me, but also professed my undying love for the guy. (Don't blame me, during the time I haven't outed myself to other people, and I had no one to talk to about my situation). He avoided me after that, and we didn't talk to each other for two years.
He told me he felt betrayed then by what I did. I understand his point of view. But honestly, I tell you, that was one of the biggest heartbreak I had. As in I cried over him for days, and it took me a long time to move on. I not only lost a prospect, it was the end of friendship that made it feel crappy.
We did recover that friendship eventually. And we're still very good friends. Recalling that incident, we can only laugh and joke about it.
But that was a close call.
I still have alot of friends who don't know about me. In the office, only one person knows about me. Other people definitely have doubts about me, but I'm in no mood to out myself at work. I don't have that many friends there and I'd rather keep to myself.
If I am to out myself again, I always make sure that the people who knows are those I could trust to stay after.
I know it shouldn't really be a big deal. Even if let's say they know I'm gay, it's not like I act like a girl or I have malicious thoughts about my friends. But people are not really as open-minded about the situation unlike my friends. I was lucky that they accept who I am, but not everyone is like that.
But it is true. Once you let other people know about you, it's a bit more liberating. A burden off my shoulder. A thorn taken out of my heart.
Now if only I could figure out how to tell my folks.
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