Followers

Monday, January 4, 2010

BECAUSE I LACK ORIGINALITY

When I talk to gay people who are way older than I am, they often tell me that the one thing they dislike is a closet gay person. They tell me that those people won't truly be happy unless they free themselves from the 4 walls of their closets. They often tell me this while staring intently at me.

I get it, they can snuff out people like them. And their gaydar is accurate enough. I'm pretty sure when they told me that, it was meant as an advice. It's probably true.

I've been reading alot of 'coming out' stories the past few weeks, and I thought why not tell them my coming out story.

It's actually corny. No plates were thrown. No drama. Well, there was a little drama.

I came out to my friends about six times. Twice to my housemates, to my three other friends and to my best friend / one-time-love-of-my-life.

HOUSEMATES
This happened the last few months of my stay in Marikina with my housemates. I was with Cedric back then. When I haven't outed myself yet, we were most of the time sneaking around, and it was difficult. While I could always go to their house, it's a twenty minute ride away from the office, while our apartment was just a three minute walk.

But then of course, living with others you also have to be careful not to get caught doing the nasty, so I decided to tell my friends.

It was difficult, making that decision, number one the reason for my coming out was quite selfish. And my friends, no matter how long we've been together as friends you wouldn't know how they would react when the truth is told. And even if all four of them are good friends, I've known of friends falling out because they can't accept that the guy is gay.

Suffice to say, they were shocked. They had no idea. They knew I tried to court one of our female colleague. But they were happy for me. They didn't like the guy I was with, but they knew that my coming out was a burden off my shoulder. I didn't tell all of them, instead I gave them permission to tell a couple more in our barkada the truth about me.

The next day was touching, because they decided it's time for all of us to have a group hug.

They did what I always hoped my friends would do. They accept me.

THE BEST FRIEND
I've written about him already and what happened after I outed myself. But for the sake of those who forgot or are new to this blog, I'll tell it again.

Joy was one of my best friends/constant gimmick buddy/love of my life. He's straight.

During that time, he just broke up with his girlfriend of nine years. That was the time we really got close. We often would talk on the phone for hours. Go out have coffee dates or watch a movie. We've been friends for two years at that time. And people (specially the gay guys) often envy my friendship with him because he's hot.

At that time I was head over heels in love with this guy. Like I'd resort to witchcraft or I'd be willing to sell my soul to the devil just so he could reciprocate his feelings for me.

So one day, he finally decided to finally move on from his heartache. That actually meant for him to meet up with new girls and date around. Being young and stupid, I felt threatened for our friendship.

One drunk evening I decided to pour out my heart on a text message for Joy that not only outed me, but also professed my undying love for the guy. (Don't blame me, during the time I haven't outed myself to other people, and I had no one to talk to about my situation). He avoided me after that, and we didn't talk to each other for two years.

He told me he felt betrayed then by what I did. I understand his point of view. But honestly, I tell you, that was one of the biggest heartbreak I had. As in I cried over him for days, and it took me a long time to move on. I not only lost a prospect, it was the end of friendship that made it feel crappy.

We did recover that friendship eventually. And we're still very good friends. Recalling that incident, we can only laugh and joke about it.

But that was a close call.

**********
I still have alot of friends who don't know about me. In the office, only one person knows about me. Other people definitely have doubts about me, but I'm in no mood to out myself at work. I don't have that many friends there and I'd rather keep to myself.

If I am to out myself again, I always make sure that the people who knows are those I could trust to stay after.

I know it shouldn't really be a big deal. Even if let's say they know I'm gay, it's not like I act like a girl or I have malicious thoughts about my friends. But people are not really as open-minded about the situation unlike my friends. I was lucky that they accept who I am, but not everyone is like that.

But it is true. Once you let other people know about you, it's a bit more liberating. A burden off my shoulder. A thorn taken out of my heart.

Now if only I could figure out how to tell my folks.

19 comments:

Chuckie said...

So sad, im in the BESTFRIEND era now. And honestly, i really don't know what to do or how to deal with this feeling :(

domjullian said...

Your folks might have a hard time accepting not because of what you are but because of what society dictates, but being one of their own, they will, eventually, in time.

Keep it up!

engel said...

chuckie: my rule about best friends is don't fall for them. specially if you know they're straight. the result may not be worth the risk.

domjulian: i think they know. it's just something that we don't talk about. it's those awkward moments that make me want to move out of their place.

Galen said...

Only out yourself when its a necessity. As a rule, you only go out of the closet when it is to your advantage. :)

wanderingcommuter said...

i guess the hardest part of coming out is not what your friends will actually say but what you think they will react.

Dudes said...

we don't have to explain to anybody about being gay. but we do need to let people who matters to us know who we really are.

Darc Diarist said...

agree with dudes.

i don't know if it's true for all but your mom probably has a hunch already. they know everything, i swear! hehe.

but yeah, don't pressure yourself to come out if you don't feel like it.

Alex said...

"One drunk evening I decided to pour out my heart on a text message for Joy that not only outed me, but also professed my undying love for the guy. (Don't blame me, during the time I haven't outed myself to other people, and I had no one to talk to about my situation). He avoided me after that, and we didn't talk to each other for two years."

I came out to my mom through a text message which left her disappointed for years until now. I regret doing that.

But as for coming out to others; it was very liberating.

engel said...

alex: maybe it was the timing or the way you outed yourself.

darc: like galen said, unless it's really necessary, i have no plans at the moment to out myself to my parents.

dudes: i agree. it was difficult talking to these people when you're keeping something about yourself from them.

ewwik: yup specially if you know that they're not as accepting of people like us when you're warming up to their feelings about PLUs.

galen: i learned that after i told my bestfriend about me. it was a hard lesson learned.

xallternative said...

I never tried to reveal the real me to straight people I know and to my family. I guess when that happens, all hell will break loose. Just kidding.

But sometimes, I want to tell my close girl co-cadet office mate about it. I just don't have the courage to do so.

citybuoy said...

"Now if only I could figure out how to tell my folks. "

amen, brutha.. amen..

it's one thing for your friend to know.. another for your best friend to know pero pag pamilya na ang pinaguusapan, i think it's scary.

madali kasi palitan ang best friend. pag inaway ka sa office, madali magresign. eh pag inaway ka ng magulang mo? emancipation? haha

Maxwell Flux said...

totally, it feels really, really good. especially if those people whom you've admitted your secret to are those that you trust and trust you in return.

don't worry engel, ako din, parang gusto ko magpost ng coming out story ko, hahaha. so that makes 2 of us, hehehe.

lee said...

coming out to people close to you will always feel like it's the first time. and you never how they will react.

but, it liberates you :)

rudeboy said...

Conrado de Quiros recently wrote something about truth that clicked in me, like the missing piece of a puzzle I've been trying to solve.

" Truth is seldom fashionable, and when it becomes so, it is no longer truth, it is platitude. Truth doesn’t come without blood. It makes you suffer first—at the very least the loneliness of exile—before it makes you (and others) free."

Prince_Cloud said...

coming out feels good really...
hindi na mahirap magpretend or wear a mask in front of people you love

red the mod said...

Vulnerability prevents most from exiting their closets. That anxiety that the crossroad leads to extremely contradicting conclusions. Because its beyond the simple admission of sexuality, it is succumbing to the marginalized, of being out-of-norm.

Yet, if I may, what's so good about being normal?

So you nestle it, protect it. Like an Achilles heel or Galatea's melody. The choice to divulge becomes a measure of value. How important is the person to you that you are willing to entrust this truth.

Then, the answer becomes self-apparent.

You're lucky to have such open-minded and nurturing friends.

engel said...

red: i am, not everyone accepts people like us.

cloud: amen to that.

rudeboy: saying the truth is taking a risk whose rewards aren't easy to come by.

lee: and it also shows us who our real friends are.

max: looking forward to reading your story. =)

nyl: onga. lalo na kung sa kanila ka pa nakatira. need to move out soon talaga. =D

xall: the first time i outed myself to a close girl friend, it was super awkward. ang daming questions. but she understood. and she kept our secret. =)

The Constant Bonsaist said...

@rudeboy - love that De Quiros quote.

@engel - what i hate about other gay men (and even some heterosexual peeps) is why they give so much pressure on closet gay men to come out. it is none of their business. it is the prerogative of the gay man to closet or out themselves when/where and to whom they want to. (di ako galit sa post mo ha, opinion ko lang ito on coming out. lol!)

this is a nice post! cheers! =)

P.S. san ka nakabili ng "The Lovely Bones". antagal ko na hinahanap neto. hehehe.

dabo said...

When I talk to gay people who are way older than I am, they often tell me that the one thing they dislike is a closet gay person. They tell me that those people won't truly be happy unless they free themselves from the 4 walls of their closets. They often tell me this while staring intently at me.

dear engel,

if they are truly happy, as in mononilithically solidly happy they won't be telling you that.. all that must concerns you is yourself, and not what other people think.

Build your own model of the world and do not use someone else blueprint because they think some people lives are misers, because it doesn't follow theirs.

Out because it feels perfect, because the moment is perfect. No more no less.