Of all the exes that have been mentioned in my blog there’s only been one that I haven’t written yet. I think it’s about time that I write about this now. One last ex that I haven’t written about here in my home. The last ex I had.
It was I think almost a year ago when I met the blogger. I communicated simply because I wanted to ask for pasalubong from when he comes back to Manila from the province. Apparently, that simple gift-asking turned into flirting. One thing lead to another, and then a day later, the blogger became my beau.
Yeah, it was a whirlwind thing. Looking back, I really didn’t think it through. I was already hesitant when the question was first asked. During that time, I was really digging ‘the kid’. But then, the kid really wasn’t asking for something more than friendship. And then here comes the blogger who doesn’t really know me, asking me to be his beau. Subconsciously, I think I wanted ‘the kid’ to be jealous. So I said yes.
Credit due to the blogger, I did enjoy the first couple of weeks of the relationship. The breakfast dates were wonderful. And he’s the only relationship I had, that my friends actually liked (kid hasn’t met any of my real friends yet, just blog friends). On our first week even, we went out of town. Quezon. That was nice.
We saw each other every day. And I think that’s where the problem started. I saw the blogger every day. I have this personality, I guess, wherein I get saturated easily. I didn’t get the alone time which I was used to (being single for 2 years prior to this one). I felt strangled. Caged.
And then there’s the kid. If I did subconsciously plan to make the kid jealous, it worked. The kid became more attentive. Sweeter. He got my attention. And so I started cheating, I guess.
The difference between the two, is that I know ‘the kid’ much better. I’ve known him longer. And whenever we talk, we never ran out of things to say to each other. The blogger was the opposite. Conversations over the phone usually includes, ‘hmmm’, ‘what’ ‘la lang’, and ‘I love you’. Or I guess I stopped trying.
Things didn’t really help especially when I told a few blog friends the identity of my beau. Some laughed. There was one who was cryptic about the blogger. I didn’t really ask too much detail because for one, the blogger was honest with me regarding his issues with other bloggers. But as they say, once a seed is planted, it’s not going to go away.
And I was just bad. Towards the end of the relationship, say when I was talking to the blogger, whenever I received a text from ‘the kid’ that he wants to talk, I’d hang up on him to call the latter. I wasn’t being fair. I wasn’t being honest. And that was wrong.
One day when I went out to meet a friend, I told him my situation. I realized if I let this continue, I’m running the risk of losing them both. So I had to choose. The person who makes me feel secure. Or the person who makes me smile.
I chose the person who makes me smile.
That night, when I got home, I texted the blogger and asked for a cool off.
I gave him a call a few days later and he asked me if things could still be fixed. I didn’t want to give him false hopes. Apart from our school, we had nothing in common. And I don’t want to hurt him more than I already did.
It took me awhile to write this. It’s hard when you know you’re the villain of the story. I was the bad guy. I was in the wrong. I’ve apologized for it. And karma’s already got me twice over. But it’s been a year already. I’d like to believe we’ve moved on. He’s got his new beau, and I’m with my ‘kid’. Things are okay now.
Relationships are hard. But it’s a tough life.
3 months ago