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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

CONFESSIONS OF AN EX-SINGLE GUY

To be honest, before when I read fellow bloggers (whether from my straight blog friend or here) write about meeting the one, falling in love, or being happy with their relationships, I get jealous. Sometimes I wish they fell in love with me. I don't know these bloggers, but when you read the words they utter because of what their hearts dictate, you can't help but get attracted. The guy/girl they liked are lucky. I wished it was me.

A few weeks back I posted longing to write about my love life while I'm in the middle of that love life. I didn't think it would happen so soon. Not that I'm not happy that finally God gave me something I've been praying for since I discovered St. Jude, because I am. I'm very happy. I have nothing more to ask for.

But it happened very fast, what we have, and I'm lying if I say that I'm not worried about us. Most of my failed relationships were whirlwind romances, and this one is almost the same. We exchanged messages, had a long phone conversation, exchanged social networking site addresses, and before we knew it we were calling each other 'mahal.'

I really want this to be different. God knows I want this to work out. I want him to be my last.

I've been single for the longest time in my life, and honestly I really am not familiar anymore how to do this. How to be a good boyfriend. Should I say this? Should I do that?

Meeting up with him this morning was really terrifying for me. Our first 'date' and I'm not going to make a good impression to him. I looked lousy. My face was oily, my hands sweaty. I didn't sleep long the day before. We ate at Jollibee, and as much as I'd like to hold his hand earlier, we were both scared we're showing public display of affection. I thought this is it, he'll change his mind about me.

I need help. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I'm not doubting this relationship. I trust him. I love him. I just wish he would be patient with me because I don't think I'll ever be a perfect boyfriend. I'm pretty sure there will be days I will totally fuck up. That I'll be really messed up. But I hope he will understand. I hope he will still stay. And that he'll love me just as much as I do him.

I jumped into this relationship because every voice inside my head is telling me to just run ahead. Just do it. He is worth the risk.

I hope I'm worth his.

27 comments:

engel said...

Sorry kung cheesy guys. I'll be back to my regular posting manners sa susunod.

Lam niyo na, nasa honeymoon stage pa. =D

Mike said...

LOL! Cheesy nga!

Engel, basta show your love to him. Don't ever ever leave him at mahalin mo sya. This relationship is not the same with your previous, this one is special.

Sigh, kinikilig naman ako sa post mo.

Eternal Wanderer... said...

gora lang nang gora habang lumalagalab pa ang apoy ;)

rudeboy said...

You have my best wishes, engel.

Galen said...

http://midnightafterburner.blogspot.com/2009/07/patty.html

May it be your guide dude.

As for everything else, we all go through that kind of confusion. Love as much as you can, for in the far future, perspectives might change how you see things.

And I don't want you to miss your moment.

Rie Ishida said...

Keri lang naman if cheesy ah. At least we're seeing another side of Engel, and not always the moody you... haha.

engel said...

bilis ng comments ah.

Rie: moody ba ako? di naman ako moody ah. =)

Galen: i will. i just hope i could count on you guys to help me make this relationship work. =D

rudeboy: thanks rudeboy. bigay mo sakin yung dog mo ha!! =P

ternie: yup! yan gagawin namin!! =D

mike: i know this one's special. i just feel it. ewan ko ba, ginayuma ata ako nung lalakeng yun. =D

MkSurf8 said...

sooo happy for you. enjoy each moment lalo na yung bago pa kayo. kilig na ewan. hehehe

just take it one step at a time. and don't be afraid fall. even if ypu think it's a hard landing.

citybuoy said...

"I just wish he would be patient with me because I don't think I'll ever be a perfect boyfriend."

i'm not an expert on love. haha i'm just a fan of it, i guess so i need to borrow someone else's words. jodi picoult wrote this. sakto lang.

"You dont love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not"

so don't worry. the fact that you took the time to think of your fears (and call out to the blogging world for help) is proof that you love him and for most relationships, that thought alone is enough.

wv:ninoy (weird)

Chuck Suarez said...

nagwowork pala talaga ang pagtirik ng candle kay St.Jude

good luck sa inyong dalawa =)

domjullian said...

I miss honeymooning.Hehehe.

Sana wag kang ma bantay bata 163.Hehehe.

Mike said...

pakilala mo naman si mahal mo. hehe

@Mksurf8: parang nabasa ko yang fall at hardlanding na yan! LOL!

MkSurf8 said...

@doc ay yes! ninakaw ko lang yang comment ko na yan dun

xtian1978ii said...

haha sabi ko na mag-iiba na ang takbo ng blog ni Engel

so happy for you, ganun talaga 'yan, so dapat magpakatotoo ka lang and love ninyo ang isa't-isa

naremember ko tuloy noong bago pa kami lol

john stanley said...

there's no fool-proof guide to relationships, engel. we all have different cards to play.

just play yours well and make sure that in the end, both of you wins.

Fine Life Folk said...

You were born to love. Everyone is. We just need to unlearn the hate and aggression that we learned as kids from cartoons LOL! Seriously, regardless of your orientation, the best way to approach any relations or relationship is through friendship... that you mean well. It is evidenced by respect. Then watch it grow... the love, I mean.

Mike said...

@MkSurf8: Che! I HATE YOU! Hmpf!

engel said...

Mike & Mksrf8: parang may naaamoy akong something dito. hmmmm ;P

FLF: that's what we'll do. thanks for the tip. =)

john: di naman ako exactly hingi ng guide, pero sana pag may problema kunwari, you guys can help me out. =)

xtian: di naman to madadalas. baka may masuka na sa mga kakesohan ko sa buhay. =)

dumenec: di po si Christian yung nakatuluyan ko. iba po. kay christian, kuya na lang ako nun ngayon. =)

chuck: naku, matagal ko nang napatunayan yun. Sa ibang bagay nga lang, ngayon lang sa love life. =D

citybuoy: thanks. i love the quote. sana ganun nga talaga yung nararamdaman niya for me. =)

Bonbon's Tea Party said...

the fear upon discovering whom we think is perfect for us is palpable. I feel you, engel, and have gone through so much of that in my life as well. What I do is I give it my best-est shot, no matter how oily-faced and sweaty-palmed I can be. If he's worth it, he'd still kiss you no matter how sticky your cheeks are; hold your hand, no matter how soggy your palms are. And I eventually get reminded that I know I can't rely on others for my own happiness.

G'luck, engel!

X said...

Always remember that people love us inspite, and because, of our limitations.

I believe being honest and sincere in everything you do is the most important thing.

I wish both of you the best of luck.

Cheers!

Kane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kane said...

Hay Engel, reading your story reminds me of my younger days. A part of me wants to say, ang pasaway mo. Jumping into a relationship with a guy you barely know? What were you thinking?

But then again, there are no hard and fast rules in love. And I do believe that anything is possible (although some things are more probable than others).

So here's to new beginnings. May they be fruitful and meaningful. =) and yes, do enjoy it Engel. Young love can be quite an adventure.

Hug,
Kane

xtian1978ii said...

haha wala masusuka I'm sure pero madami ang magwiwish na sana sila din makaranas ng ganyan

domjullian said...

awwww.andami pa lang suitors.pogiiiiii!

Maxwell5587 said...

"fear nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything"

engel, don't be scared. just put your best put forward. love is a gamble. it's a risk and i know that sometimes, it's scary. but that risk is worth taking if you know it in yourself that you're doing it out of love.

relax. what's important is that you now have that chance to love. not everyone gets to have a taste of that feeling. that sweet, sweet feeling. so treasure it and do your best to nurture it and hope that at the end of the day, it would all turn our right.

tama na, mahaba na comment ko, hahaha.

sabi nga ni ternie, go lang ng go!

Yj said...

haaaaaaaaaays kakakilig naman.... ang sarap magpasko.... hehehehe

theLastJedi said...

darn, in love ka nga.. this post is screaming and seething with it..
there's no such thing as a perfect formula engel. there is no scheme that is good enough for every relationship. but here's what i know - in the confusion of love's kiss, just remember that you jump off the cliff together - and together should you aim to enjoy the fall.. =)