Monday, October 26, 2009


One of the rules I've set upon myself in terms of the people I pursue is to not fall for boys much younger than I am. This weekend I broke that rule.

I met Chris last Saturday night and we had a pretty lengthy phone conversation. He's 19 years old, a student and he said that at that moment he was straight. He has a girlfriend, but he was curious about an alternative lifestyle. So he had a few questions which wasn't uncommon for me because when I was the same age those were the questions I was asking myself.

So while being an older brother to the young padwan, I accidentally got the guy to fall for me. Towards the end of the conversation, things turned to something unexpected. He got confused. I'm sure when we started talking he was pretty confident about his sexuality, but by the end not only did I have him question his sexuality, I also made him fall for me. Worse, I fell for the kid.

I have had a bad experience with a kid. I was 23, he was 18 or 19. We rushed into the relationship because we liked how our conversation over the phone. It ended a couple of weeks later with the kid telling me that I have no knowledge of the word love. That was when I said no more kids. And I was doing pretty well. Until now.

Sunday morning I received a message from Chris telling me that he wasn't fully honest with all the details he gave me the night before. He was actually supposed to set me up with his friend as a prank. He said he didn't expect to feel how he felt for me. That wouldv'e been cue for me to let the kid go. But he said he was being honest because he wants to start things right between us.

Last night we had another conversation. I got to know him better. I liked him more, but I noticed he may not really be ready for this kind of lifestyle. I think I was actually pushing him to pursue me.

Anyway I woke up today feeling guilty about what I did last night. I was taking advantage of his confusion. That's not right. In the end, if I pursue the matter, he'd probably end up hating me. If it did work out, I probably would've had him half-baked. Whatever happens I think in the end one of us would end up with a broken heart.

Maybe I was thinking that if I did pursue him, given his situation, he's going to be my responsibility and I may not be ready to have to carry that burden.

This morning I said goodbye. It's probably the right thing to do. I just hate that it feels so wrong.

I did the right thing. Right?


rudeboy said...

Yes, engel, you did the right thing.

The only thing even righter than that was to hand that stupid kid over to me so I could give him a good smacking.

The S&M kind.

Anonymous said...

To stop falling for him further and the taking advantage part is the right thing to do.

But I don't think deliberately saying 'goodbye' this morning is the right move.

You could have let time pass by until he's able to sort whatever confusion he has. You could have given him the light towards understanding it better. :)

john stanley said...

the youngest i had was 19 as well but that was just for pure fun then. at least for me.

years later, i made it a point not to entertain guys more than 2 years my junior.

because men are so much better than boys. *wink*

Galen said...

Payong kaibigan dude. Never fall for someone you just spoke on the phone. Physical chemistry counts BIG time.

Jay Quiambao said...

I think you should just lay these cards to him and then talk it over. I think it's fairer to his side.

- Coming from a fan of May - December affair. :)

xtian1978ii said...

haha never pa naman nangyari na I fell for younger boys or even girls for that matter. Either older or same age.

I think you did the right thing. You should befriend him still to guide him through his "transformation"

Eternal Wanderer... said...

naku naman engel. barely legal. at sa telepono pa.

bigay mo na lang sa akin. mamahalin ko sya.

not like rude.


domjullian said...

Mr. Heartbreaker, may-mid november love affair lang!

pero I think you did the right thing. Kung hindi ka ready for a serious relationship and siguro hindi rin cya, its better to end it up soon.

luckily 19 na cya kasi kung hindi patay ka sa bantay bata 163!

Anonymous said...

i think you did the right thing.

at this point in that kid's life, he needs to figure out things for himself and explore his boundaries and limits. romance would only stir things further. atleast for now.

but yeah, you should befriend him still, to provide brotherly support throughout the process.

I Am Lukayo said...

@EW: Nagmamalinis ka.. when was the last time you loved and not talande? LOLs

Did you really fall for him, or the idea/construct that you've created of 'him' as a result of the phone convos you had?

Don't be too hard on yourself Engel!

Eternal Wanderer... said...

Lukayo: oh puleeze.

dalisay, busilak, at mayumi ang pagmamahal ko noh!


rudeboy said...

@ E.W. : You're about as dalisay, busilak, at mayumi as a Bangkok hooker. And I say that with all the love in my black, black heart.

OnTopic: Boys that age are almost uniformly stupid and clingy. Mistaking lust for love is one of their common mistakes. I should know: I used to be one.

Abou said...

u shud have said hello to friendship...

citybuoy said...

LOL @ rudeboy and S&M haha

anyway, i think you did the right thing. these things are tricky and in the rare times that they work out, it took a herculean effort from both parties. i don't think either of you had that kind of strength. since the cons outweighed the pros, i would assume it was a good call.

I Am Lukayo said...

@rudeboy: Can I meet the 'rudeboy' who used to mistake lust for love? Hehehe...

At least hindi ako katulad ni EW na pa-Maria Clara effect pero pokpok naman talaga. LOLs

engel said...

citybuoy: indeed. it was a very good call. enlightening on his part. i think. for me though, it was something new.

abou: after reading goodboi's comment this morning, i rescinded saying goodbye.

rudeboy: i don't think we lusted for each other. not one time during the conversation did we ever talk about sex.

EW: hahaha. somehow i think you'll traumatize the kid. =D

Lukayo: probably. maybe. i don't know. i just know i feel bad doing what i did to Chris.

maxwell: that's the thing, i'm adding another brother. it's hard enough i treat all my prospects as one. makes me think that's all i'm good for. being a brother.

dom: yup. takot ako mademanda statutory rape. =)

xtian: that's what we agreed this morning when i talked to him.

jay q: can relate ka ba? =)

galen: true. pero minsan you get attracted with their brains muna. physical chemistry na lang kung gusto ninyo na magmove forward sa kung ano man meron kayo.

john: amen. hirap mag-explain. haha. basta will make another post related to this.

goodboi: thank you. again marami ako natututunan sa'yo sa mga comments mo. it wouldn't be fair for Chris kung iwan ko siya sa ere after making him realize he's not really straight.

rudeboy: ditto with what i said to ternie. yaan mo pag may ibang bata ako nakilala pasa ko agad sayo. =D

Eternal Wanderer... said...

Rude: hey joh, wanna fak-fak? me noiseh in bed. only twenteh baht! noh noh noh! for you free onleeh! because you have nice light-sabeh ;)

Lukayo: heeeey at least i'm not like you who....

oooops. deadma na. lolz

Engel: ayoko talaga ng ternie!!!! grrr

Metamorphosis said...

yes you did you needed to do.

Alkapon said...

There were time that you got confuse for something and feel guilty as well.

But you did the right thing, you will be accountable to any mistakes anyway.

<*period*>; said...

wala namang maling nadesisyon..nagmumukha lang mali kung hindi ito kayang panindigan

ahh, i felt i bit off with your reaction sa tanong ko kung pwede kitang maging kuya.

you dont need to be like my kuya for you to qualify as one.after all, you are way older than me.

but with your answer, i guess, tama lang na bawiin ko na lang yung tanong ko, engel.


engel said...

erick: sorry if it was kinda off. it was meant as a joke. anyway, peace!

alkapon: that's true. and hey, welcome to my blog.

metamorphosis: noted. thank you.

wandy: sayo galing yung ternie. so starting now, wandy na lang tawag ko sa'yo! =P

<*period*>; said...

geh, engel.


the geek said...

i call may-december affairs as summer-winter.

where hot summer turns to cold winter.

<*period*>; said...

ahmm, its not the joke that offended me....kundi yung statement mo na hindi mo kayang pantayan yung tulong na kayang ibigay ni kuya.

as ive said, you dont need to be like my kuya for you to qualify as one.

i just needed some mature soul to talk to.but then again, thanks na rin kasi it was a subtle rejection..

Pamie said...

hi. thanks for dropping by my blogsite. anyway, may i just comment on your post. i guess you did the right thing. after all, just like what you've said, perhaps the kid was just confused. confusion should not be the one to trigger anything. that would definitely ruin even more whatever it is that you have or may have started.

by the way, would you mind if i add you up on my blog list/roll? i would want to visit your site again. ^_^

wanderingcommuter said...

falling inlove with someone younger is not always a wrong thing...

but attaching yourself with someone who just want to experiment somebody else's feelings while still atatch to another person... maybe. hahahaha!

Stunted Male said...

typical piscean. next time, ask the zodiac sign first. it's the best way to gauge.

engel said...

stunted male: naku, even if i ask, di ko rin alam ugali ng tao under zodiac signs other than mine. =)

WC: yeah, and he knows that he's a huge risk kaya di ko siya pwede careerin.

pamie: sure no problem. thanks for the visit!

period: you're uber sensitive these days.

geek: hmmm...

hugh said...

mahirap makipagrelasyon sa bata. masarap sila kasama kasi medyo playful pa, madidivert yun stress mo from work pag kasama sila. pero ibang usapan na kapag relationship. kasi andyan pa, minsan, yun pagiging childish nila, pagiging demanding, moody, etc. madami pa naman dyan e. hehehe!