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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

CHRONICLE OF RELATIONSHIPS UNWRITTEN

Before going to sleep this morning, I found myself backreading on my old blog. I find it fascinating how much I grew up chronicling my life in my old abode. When I started posting stuff in the old blog, I was mostly ranting about how much my life sucked (that lessened as years went by). I rant about the dumbest things (my job, my age, my looks, my schedule). I think I wrote almost everything about my life in that blog.

But one thing I noticed is that even after I revealed alot about me in that blog, I was never really able to write while I was in a relationship. The blog's existed for quite awhile now, and I've been in a couple of relationships after I started writing, but I was not able to write about it while in the midst of that relationship.

I have written about failed dates. Successful dates. Getting turned down. Turning down someone. I've written about courting people. I have chronicled details about my exes. But I never wrote anything about my relationship while I'm with that person.

I haven't written about how I asked someone to be my partner. I never wrote about feeling anxious waiting for a call after a fight. I've never written sweet moments with my exes. I haven't posted about the petty reasons why we fought and what we did after we made up. I'll never write details about our awesome sexy times. I never wrote how I felt when we broke up. I just didn't write anything.

I don't know, maybe I was afraid people would find that I suck in relationships (not literally, well I do literally, sometimes, whatever you get the point). Maybe I was afraid that people would tell me I was the one at fault when we're fighting. Or maybe that people would find me 'mayabang' when I brag about how great a date went, while the rest of the blogosphere's suicidal because they're still single. I do know that when I was with somebody, I never really had the time to do anything else but focus most of my free time with that person.

Looking back, if I did write about the relationship, when we were having problems, maybe I could've saved it. Seeing how alot of readers were giving insights about what could be done to right a mistake, maybe it could've opened my eyes and and made me want to fight more for my partner's love. Maybe I wouldn't be single anymore. Who knows, right?

But this is not me whinging about the past. This is about looking forward. I created this blog so that I can write about things I was hesitant to post in my old home. I still wouldn't be posting about my sex life, but I'll still say if it was great or not. The point being I'll be writing without inhibitions.

Of course, before I write about those things, I'd need to find myself first a partner.

*******
Before I get anymore comments about finding the one, let me be defensive and say this post is not about me looking for a partner. I am still fine with my current single status. I'm just saying that for me to be able to write what I haven't written before, I'd need to be in a relationship first.

I'm fine where I am right now. If someone does come along, then that's awesome. But at this moment, I couldn't ask for anything more.

Well, a digital slr camera would be great, and a Playstation 3.

=)

26 comments:

MakMak said...

I find it weird that I've told a lot of stories in my blog and yet I couldn't find the opportunity to share one that involves the relationships that I have had. It's not that I don't want to but I just don't see any nice leads.

That's basically saying that maybe you'll share your stories with us when the time comes.

Galen said...

In my humble opinion, I think, we don't look for relationships. It is relationships that find us.

Or perhaps, I'm just struggling to remain single. LOL.

i am beki said...

don't be afraid to let people find your fault, you'll learn from it.

the bravest thing you can do is to admit your faults and learn from it. without people telling your faults, how would you be able to correct them? how would you find out that all along the thing that you are doing that you thought are right are wrong after all.

don't be afraid to be judged, be afraid to be affected by the judgement.

and oh, btw, don't look to much for a partner ... he will come ...

xoxo

rudeboy said...

"I do know that when I was with somebody, I never really had the time to do anything else but focus most of my free time with that person."

I think this was the best explanation, engel.

engel said...

rudeboy: i still blog though. but not really about what i had. can't seem to muster enough courage to write about it. maybe because alot of people who read that knows who i am. unlike here.

beki: that's true, and that's why i wrote about this. so that people could see my flaws. so i can correct it.

galen: you are my standard for being a contented single gay man.

makmak: will look forward to read your post if ever you decide to write about your relationships. I'm sure i'll learn alot from you.

rudeboy said...

@ engel : While I believe most of us blog as a way to express ourselves, some things are best left private.

We share our rants and sentiments, our frustrations and fears, our joys and sorrows, but to varying degrees of disclosure.

No one's life is ever an open book. Not even tell-alls tell all.

Eternal Wanderer... said...

oh engle hunnie bun, sign up with EW's sex-a-date service, and I'll give you a personal discount since you're have a parrot.

what i'll do with your parrot is for me to know, and for you to find out.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

engel said...

don't get me wrong though, i don't plan on writing everything here. i still have my limitations as to what i'll be posting.

i guess what i was trying to drive at when i decided to write this post is that i've never written things that i feel or did when i was in a relationship.

things like the sweet deeds the partner has done for me, writing what i did to make up for forgetting a monthsary, ranting about the petty quarrels we have, those mundane stuff a guy in a relationship will write about.

if that makes any sense at all.

engel said...

EW: i seriously hope what you do to my parrot's not going to kill it. He's been with us since '96. =)

Eternal Wanderer... said...

trust me engle.

you're parrot is gonna loooove it! ;)

Eternal Wanderer... said...

Hi rude! fancy seeing you here

hahaha

rudeboy said...

@ engel : It makes perfect sense to me.

I'm sure there's no way to put this delicately without some people taking it the wrong way, but what the heck. There is such a thing as oversharing. Even among real-life friends, I wouldn't always want to know every little tiny detail about my (admittedly-few) friends and their current future exes. It can get really tedious, really fast - like new parents bombarding you with every new gurgle their brats make.

Of course, that's not to say we shouldn't let people overshare if that's what they want. In the blogosphere, at least, it's easy to decide if it's a case of "Oh hell, not this shit again!" or simply tl;dr.

Like this response. :P

PS. Also, why should we wait for you to share the intimate little details of your romance(s)when we can simply beat it out of your parrot?

rudeboy said...

@ Eternal Wanderer : I'm stalking you.

hugh said...

pareho tayo. hehehe. pag "in a relationship", mahirap magblog. kasi behave ako. hehehe!

Eternal Wanderer... said...

Rude: i'm open to that. more than you can imagine lolz

p.s. the thought of beating engel's parrot somehow sounds so not right on a lot of levels harharhar

wanderingcommuter said...

or perhaps because we are too preoccupied thinking of our current relationships that we often miss contemplating ourselves...

engel said...

WC: maybe. sometimes we forget ourselves because there's another person we need to think about as well.

ternie: i'm now scared for my parrot =)

hugh: yup, ako pa naman, mahilig ipagkalat before yung blog ko sa mga prospect ko. =)

rudeboy: my parrot can only say it's name, panget taho... and some gibberish my mom used to call him/her.

Iurico said...

I don't know, maybe I was afraid people would find that I suck in relationships (not literally, well I do literally, sometimes, whatever you get the point). Maybe I was afraid that people would tell me I was the one at fault when we're fighting. Or maybe that people would find me 'mayabang' when I brag about how great a date went, while the rest of the blogosphere's suicidal because they're still single.

I guess, sometimes, we really just have to blog and write for ourselves and not for anybody else. I mean, its great when people from blogosphere contribute unsolicited advice, but at the end of the day, I guess, its really how you feel better after you "tell all" to your imaginary, non-judgmental friend - your blog. :-)

Kane said...

Engel,

I think people write for different reasons. I, myself, write as a way for me to make sense of things that are going on in my life.

By putting it into words, you are forced to examine clearly each situation and how you think/feel about it. It's a way of appraising things.

Maybe it is these voices in our heads that when transformed into a written word give us a better understanding of ourselves. Why we do the things we do.

Kane

the geek said...

there are just some stories best kept unwritten, stories that best kept untold...

domjullian said...

I don't write anything too about my lovelife. Hehehe. I just write about my crushes.

Its actually not proper to write about it unless with consent, opinion ko lang.

xtian1978ii said...

Engel, I think this is the first time or some of the few entries wherein you didn't write it in a third person perspective. This must really mean something.

In my case, the first four year of my relationship, I shut almost everyone off. I don't meet my friends, hindi ko sineseryoso ang work ko at lahat ng attention ko sa partner ko lang.

Then suddenly I felt na I'm loosing everybody, including myself. Kase ganun ako ma-inlab, then my partner encourage me to see my friends again and take my job seriosly, then nagbago na ulit buhay ko. mas naging masaya na ito, so much more than yung time na wala ako inatupag kundi 'yung partner ko lang. Imagine, 8 months or so yata kami both na huminto sa mga work namin para araw-araw kami magkasama.

Siguro parang ganun ka din, I mean sobrang into a relationship na you forget some other things.

Xall Percé said...

*late to comment* *doesn't have time to back read the previous comments*
I think ganun talaga. You'll devote your time in writing kapag hindi ka busy sa lovelife mo.

engel said...

xall: i guess. la kasing distractions. oh well.

xtian: nah, this isn't the first time i wrote in a first voice. medyo nasasanay na kasi sa 3rd voice (tama ba, grammar peeps?) kahit reports na ginagawa ko, ganun na din yung style =D

dom: it's not proper if you're giving too much detail or info. di naman ganun yung gusto ko isulat. i guess the intention is to preserve the memories of a certain moment.

the geek: that's true.

lurico: yup, i consider my blogs my interactive diary/journal.

Maxwell5587 said...

i guess it could be because we're too distracted with the overflowing love or we're secretly hoping that our current partners wouldn't end up as just another entry in our blogs. another bitter entry. hehe.

citybuoy said...

i blame it on all the work it takes to keep a relationship. haha

"I guess, sometimes, we really just have to blog and write for ourselves and not for anybody else. [...] I guess, its really how you feel better after you "tell all" to your imaginary, non-judgmental friend - your blog. :-)"

ang ganda nito. lurico's right. minsan guilty din ako dyan. don't think about what your readers might think. this avenue was created for u to express yourself and though i can't speak for everyone, i can honestly say that if you will write it, i will read it. :D