Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Reading back through the last post, Engel realized that there's probably something wrong with him. It may further prove that he might possibly be straight. It's actually annoying as he sometimes tell people that he's looking for 'the one'. But when a prospect comes along he's the first one running away from it.

Look at it this way. He cut his ties with one guy because he felt that that guy was only in it for the sex. Once he let go of a suitor because he started getting addicted to Final Fantasy 12. He stopped seeing a doctor who liked him because he thought the doctor wouldn't have time for him. He broke up with his officemate because he felt that the boy was too clingy, demanding and immature. And now, he decided to just be friends with this kid because he's well, a kid.

All of them crappy excuses. Bullshit.

Anyone would try to work things out if they felt there's something worth taking a risk. They'd even appreciate that someone fell for them. But not Engel. He'd push those who are getting close to him away. He analyzes things thinking it could be better when it's probably making things worse.

Engel didn't know why he did those things. He says one thing but does the opposite.

He didn't know why.

But it could be he does now.

Probably the reason why he does all those things.

Is because he's commitment-phobic.

Or he's just an idiot.

What do you think?


Eternal Wanderer... said...

intimacy issues? ;)

but i'll make sure i throttle your parrot so it won't fly away!


ternie, the parot-stranggler.

Anonymous said...

I share the same sentiments with you man. I think we're just afraid of crossing the line, for we hardly know what awaits us across the border.

You know what our problem is? WE OVERTHINK.

So I say, let go of thinking too much, let go of your worries, take full responsibility, and be not afraid of committment.

Take small steps at a time, do not overthrow what the future holds for you. Just shut up and let love do ALL the talking.

Anonymous said...


Galen said...

If it's with the opposite sex, would you be more receptive to commitment?

I'm not really sure the root of your fears, unless you had a very tragic relationship in the past. Sadly you have have not shared this story with us before that's why we could understand.

But to fear potential partners without giving any grounds for it, well, I guess the next question is,

Are you really ready to love, or you are just thrilled to tell the world that you're "dating" someone?

MakMak said...

I don't think your issues have something to do with your preference.

Have you ever considered that maybe you push them away not because you're commitment-phobic but just because you're just not into them? Try and stop making justifications for every action that you make.

Life's pretty simple, you know. :-)

domjullian said...

sign of maturity. ayus. when you're way past the age of innocence and you still act like you're 17, may problema ka nga pero I think you're looking for a person who's matured and serious enough for a lasting relationship so I guess you're still normal and regular.

xtian1978ii said...

parang kilala kita engel pero hindi naman siguro

you have the same issues with someone I know

siguro you haven't found the one just yet, it's hard to jump into commitment if you don't put your "whole" self into it.

in everything we do we need to compromise in order to have harmony, having a partner included

sometimes we need to let go of ourselves and just let things be, we never know how things end until we try. ang hirap mabuhay thinking of might have become if we just do it

the geek said...

i dont know but i wanted to rename the title of this post to ROAD FORK.

please choose the road that suits you best but make sure also that less will get hurt when you tread that particular route.

Random Student said...

regardless of gender, there always comes a time when the man or woman is just overwhelmed by the prospect of falling in love that it's too late... he/she is in love already. may mga katapat ang bawat isa. sabi ng mga exes, "humanda ka." sabi ng mga supporters, "maghanda ka." sabi ng mga strangers, "paghandaan mo ito." habang ika'y nagmumuni-muni kung handa ka na nga ba... biglang kablag! tinamaan ka na.

Anonymous said...

First of all, I'm not saying I'm sure of what I'm saying. I'm just saying these are possibilities. And there are more I can't note down. It's for you to verify or reject them.

I just think you're afraid of a lot of things. I can read that from your other entries. For one, you're afraid of being misinterpreted and rejected because of that. You exert a lot of effort to explain yourself. It feels like you're always on guard and find it difficult to let lose. Maybe because you're afraid to get hurt by the bad comments that can be thrown at you.

Being afraid of commitment is really quite a vague idea. It could be you don't know what you want but I quite sure you have an idea of the things you don't want. But that's just half of it. You still need to know what you want, the non-negotiable's.

Or you can just be afraid of being short-changed. Or maybe you're afraid of what other people might say about your partner, people telling you that you have made a bad choice.

I also like the question left by Galen above. "Are you really ready to love, or you are just thrilled to tell the world that you're "dating" someone?" Maybe you're also afraid of being alone. The people I know who succeed in relationships are also the people who can feel secure being alone (but not lonely).

I saying yes you're a commitment-phobic. I'm also saying this fear is just an off-shot of a lot of other fears.

dabo said...

take your time. all the time you need.


Yj said...

whatever realization you had that made you do those things you did... at least hindi ka naghintay na makipag-commit and then realized something's wrong early in the relationship... mas disaster yun.....

rudeboy said...

Well, engel, there's still enough time to make up your mind between now and when the meteor obliterates all life on earth as we know it.

engel said...

rudeboy: so i guess i need to finally go to Malate or a gaybar really soon, eh?

YJ: that's possible. and we don't want that. thanks for the visit YJ. welcome to my blog! =)

dabo: until i get really tired with being single, i probably will.

anonymous: do i know you? i wish you'd say who you are. you've got some pretty interesting takes on me. =)

random student: yeah, di mo naman talaga mapaghahandaan yang love. kelangan mo lang tatagan so you can hold on.

geek: i will. at least i'll try.

xtian: i don't think you know me. how i'd wish you do, nang may kakilala na akong blogger from this world personally. =)

dumenec: i think with people like me, mahirap makahanap ng mature na tao na magmamahal sayo. madami kasi they'd say na they're looking for something serious, pero in the end sex lang pala.

mak: i don't think i'm still confused with my preference. i'm thinking maybe di nako dapat matakot pumasok sa relationship. like goodboi said. i overthink too much.

galen: believe me, if i'm dating someone now, di ka makakabasa ng ganito sa blog ko. i'm just thinking out loud.

goodboi: it's hard not to overthink. sometimes you want something to work out but you don't know what to do. but when you finally find the options, you think some more. i think i need to trust more and think less.

ternie: are you flirting with my parrot?! =P

Eternal Wanderer... said...

Rude: what's up with the meteor thing?!

Engel: let me be blunt.



engel said...

ternie: some things you need to learn about my parrot:

it bites back
it does not like being caged
it goes wild when it's being stroke
it does not talk alot.


Anonymous said...

Yes, that's why there's what we call faith.

Eternal Wanderer... said...

Engel: some things you need to learn about ternie.

1. likes being bitten back
2. devotes time to freeing up any kind of bird from constricting spaces
3. is a master at handling parrots that go wild from stroking
4. goes for everything, talkers and non-talkers included


citybuoy said...

well you wouldn't be the first gay man to have commitment issues. haha it's one of those rare legit times you can say 'it's not you, it's me.' :D

Anonymous said...

it only means that they're not meant for you.

parang 500 days of summer lang yan. wait for your autumn. hehe. wala atang koneksyon...

anyway... don't mind me... talking nonsense here...

engel said...

xall: loved that movie! =D

cb: yup. could you believe i've said that line a few times already! They didn't buy it.

ternie: my parrot's precious. i'll have to think about it. =D

goodboi: i agree. faith and trust.

Anonymous said...

maybe you need to resolve those issues that you have with yourself first before you could let anyone in. :)