Monday, March 1, 2010


Jess sat across the table where he usually sits. Just where I like it. Where I can see his reaction whenever he tastes my cooking. Where I can adore the way he separates the vegetable from the meat and the rice. Where I can see the way his neck moves whenever he swallows the half-chewed food he puts in his mouth. Where I can see him.

"We don't do this alot anymore," he starts.
"Yes. We needed this. We need to talk."
Jess looks at me curiously. "Do we have a problem Kirb?"
I ate my food. It tasted different. Not my best.
"I miss your cooking," he smiled.
I took another spoonful.
"You're not talking. We have a problem. Did I do anything wrong?" he asked.
Another mouthful.
"Kirb. How long have we been friends? Three years?"
"Five actually."
"See. Five years. I think I know how you act whenever you're pissed at me. What's wrong? Tell me."
"It's her." I started.

I've always wanted to open this up with Jess. Two years ago, he started chasing after Toni. And why not. She's pretty. She's smart. God, she has everything a guy ever wanted in a girl. Heck, if I was straight, I'd court her. But I'm not. And I'm madly in love with my best friend.

"It's always her. It will always be her."
"Kirb, you know I still love you. You're my best friend. If I don't have anyone I'd choose you. But I love her too."
"I know. What we have is not normal that's why you'll never choose me. I've long accepted that. But I can't do this anymore."
"You can't do what?" he asked.
"I can't be your friend anymore."
"It hurts Jess. It hurts alot."

Jess stood up and sat beside me. He held my hand he squeezed it tight. I know he wants me to feel that he doesn't want to do what I want.

"We'll make this work. I'll make this work. Please Kirb. Let's give this a shot."
"No Jess, it's not simple. It will never be this simple. Please let me go."
"At least for our friendship. Don't throw away the five years Kirb."
I pulled away. "I can't Jess. Can't you see? You're breaking my heart! You're breaking my heart."

Jess leaned backward. I saw the sadness in his eyes. He lost this fight. Maybe he realized what I said. He finally saw the truth.

He leaned forward and kissed me. Our first kiss.

Our last.

"I'm sorry I broke your heart."

Jess stood up. He put his hand on my cheek. He kissed me on the forehead. For the last time. And he walked away.

I was left alone in the dining room. Tears rolling down my cheek.

He finally let me go.

This was the saddest day of my life.

But finally, I know I will be able to smile...


engel said...

For those who are wondering, I'm not emo or sad or anything at the moment. I just wanted to give you a taste of the things I post on my other blog (the fiction... not gay stories like this)

I just had this story in mind. Dedicated to a good friend of mine. ;)

Oh and last call for questions from my other post!!! :D

red the mod said...

Beautiful Engel. Not as heavy and laden with angst as my fiction usually is. You have a gift for the sublime. Like a scene happening in front of us. Even when the scene is sullen, your still able to portray a silver lining in things.

This cuts deep for me, in many ways.

Anonymous said...


the geek said...

for reasons i still have to find out, there's something heartwarming with a kiss on a forehead.

Victor Gregor said...

Purely fiction?

Anonymous said...

sana may prelude yung story. somehow kasi, i can relate.. c".)rom

ʎonqʎʇıɔ said...

:'c this is sad. naka-relate lang ako.

love by default hurts. emo ko lang. haha anyway, it's up to us to make the best of it.

engel said...

nyl: i know. i'm not sad right now. not sure why this particular story popped up in my head. must be all the other sob stories going around the blogs.

rom: right. you told me about that. the officemate?

victor: yup. purely fiction. =)

geek: maybe it's because it reminds us of what our parents do when they see us sad when we were little. i don't really know. =)

red: thank you. i appreciate the nice words. =D

Glampinoy said...

Just let friends come and go. If they stay, they are worth keeping.

Angelo said...

nicely written. :) i liked it.

Anonymous said...

at talagang may disclaimer huh? hmmm