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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

QUICK HITS XI

I feel that I've been outdated in the pink blog universe. Well, it's more of the general blog universe. It's like everyone's moved on except for me. People are now in relationships, people have broken up. People are happier. Gay people are getting married. And there are those who've given up. Oh, and there are all those new people writing their hearts out.

Where have I been when all that happened?

I don't know most of the people that I read anymore. And those I know, I can't find them. Their blogs are either closed or in private (yes it's you Iurico!!!).

I know the relationship's got me sidetracked from my blog life. And it's fine. It's all good. It's just sometimes when I'm having my me-time, I'd like to be somewhere familiar. And lately, it seems that the blog world isn't a place I recognize anymore.

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I know you're probably sick and tired of reading about Engel's blossoming lovelife. It's status quo as of writing and I think that's not going to change anytime soon. But assuming you're interested, let me update you on what's going in the other aspects of my life.




  • There have been a few opportunities that have come my way recently, career-wise that I'm thinking of. I've been semi-promoted as an assistant lead for my team and am considering whether to take another step forward in my career ladder. Only hindrance is the panel business presentation required to move on. I'm no good in panel interviews. Scares the shit out of me.


  • It's been awhile since I last met a new friend/acquaintance. I haven't been socializing very much these days. Financial reasons mostly. I blame promotion. Higher income means higher taxes. Unfortunately, my new pay just crossed the new tax bracket. That basically means I'm earning less than I did when I wasn't promoted yet. My money's just enough to cover my bills and dates with the Kid.


  • On the plus side of the above, less money means I have less budget on food. Meaning no more unscheduled pizza delivery orders. No more budget to buy cake and ice cream when I'm craving. Long story short, I've lost weight. I'm practically fulfilling my lone goal for the year. Now if I could only find the energy, time and inspiration to go back to the gym.


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Before I forget, let me just give my belated greetings to a few of my blog friends.



KANE - I hope you enjoyed your birthday last weekend. My apologies for the late greeting. I know I've already said my excuse, but that's not enough after everything you've done the past year for me. Sincerely, thank you for being a good friend.



ALTERJAHN - Belated happy birthday to you as well. I will never forget what you gave me the day we met. I may not know what that food is called, but it was the thought that I'll always remember.



GEEK - Belated happy birthday to you as well. I appreciate the regular visit even if it's done very rarely these days.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

FAIRY TALES

We all dream of a fairy tale love story.

The magic. The prince to sweep us off our feet.

We envy those whose love stories seemed like they were meant for classic literature. And we look for ones ourselves.

And sometimes that's what's wrong with us.

We expect our love story to be this epic fairy tale. About impossible odds that love will conquer. That anything less than grand is unacceptable. Sometimes we let go of good people just because our story was simple. Not worth telling.

But love stories aren't always grand.

They won't always be perfect.

And oftentimes, they are not true.

The only time it will feel real, that it will feel epic, that it will be perfect, it's when you know that you're with the one. You could meet that person on a chatroom, in one of your commutes, a friend of a friend, and it would not matter how your love story goes. What's important is you have a love story.

And that it is true.

That is a fairy tale.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

AT 29

Engel's been having a hard time finding an inspiration to write the last few months. It seems that the name of the blog has been justified. Much has been said.

But while browsing some of the online journals that he started to follow recently, it occured to him that he's already 29. A few months more and he'll be turning the big three oh!!

He doesn't really much care about the number. Truth is, it's been said that he'd been looking forward to hitting thirty. He does not get why this is a big issue with other people. From his experience it's just another day. Another number.

Engel does get some of the concerns though. There are people who plan things and get nervous because they still are far from reaching their goals. There are those who expect to have a family before they turn that age and are now scared it may not happen. And of course, there are also alot of people who wants to be successful before they turn thirty. Engel was once one of those.

A few moments ago, he actually wanted to write a plan on things he wants to do, things he needs to accomplish in the next eight months before he turns thirty.

But then he realized why he stopped doing those. Life gets in the way of people's plans.

Engel is happy now.

Why complicate things.

They say, people should think of the long term. It's valid. People should prepare for the future. One never knows what will happen.

Honestly, the only thing Engel's been preparing for is his death. He does not want to inconvenience those he will leave behind with the burden of his death. But other than that, he's fine.

Right now, he only thinks of the present. And why not, he's having fun. He's not alone. He is happy.

Are there things he wish he has but hadn't got? Yes.

But there's still time.

They say that no one really knows when your time's up.

But for Engel, he'd rather die happy than worried.

This is how Engel views life at age 29. Although there is a certainty that things will change.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

TALES FROM THE CLOSET

When you haven't outed yourself, you get alot of questions. People specially your family have alot of expectations. Unfortunately some of them want those expectations met.

Sometimes it's frustrating (if this seems familiar, I already wrote this somewhere else and in Filipino).

Tita: Engel, when are you going to get married?
Engel: It might take awhile.
Tita: Aren't you afraid you might get left behind. You're not getting any younger.
Engel: I'm fine. I'm a guy. I'm not worried about having kids.
Engel: And besides, I'm happy where I am right now.
Tita: That's not a good idea. If you get kids when you're older, who do you think will take care of them? When you hit 60 do you think you could still take care of a teenager?
Tita: I'm just worried you won't be able to take care of your children.
Engel: How about you tita, when are you going to get married?
Tita: is offline

**********
Another Tita: Technology's great, yeah.
Engel: Yeah.
Tita: You get to talk to family hundreds of miles away.
Tita: You see their pictures.
Engel: Yup.
Tita: I especially like facebook.
(me thinking to myself uh-oh)
Tita: You get updated with old friends
Tita: Classmates.
Tita: Family.
Engel: Yup. Yup.
Tita: You.
Tita: So I see on your profile you're in a relationship
Engel: ...
Tita: ...
Engel: ...
Tita: ...
Engel: ...
Tita: Aren't you going to tell me about your girlfriend?
Engel: is offline.

**********
Maybe it'll be easier if I just out myself.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

TRUST ISSUES

"Do you trust me?" the Kid asked Sunday morning.

I said yes.

It hurts when your lover does it. But it hurts more when a friend does.

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Last week, when I went to Boracay, I entrusted the Kid to another couple (let's call them blogger and bf). The firts gay couple that we've befriended. The Kid likes them both as the bf is of the same age range as he is.

We've been friends for awhile now. I think we've met twice before last week, me and the blogger more prior. We've grown accustom to each other as we often chat with each other and joke around. The bf's been inviting the Kid to either the blogger's province or bf's home since we last met with them. And since I'll be away, the Kid decided he'd sleep over the bf's place.

I've been wary about them ever since, specially the blogger. I knew he had a crush on the Kid. Sometimes when we chat, he'd joke around about taking the Kid away from me. I didn't mind because he does that all the time.

**********
Thursday, the Kid met with the couple. Everything was fine. They saw a movie and the Kid's been texting with me and calling me for most of the day and night. So I thought everything was okay.

We met last weekend to celebrate our anniversary. I just woke up and we were about to do it when he asked that question. He told me something happened Friday morning.

It was around 2am. The blogger, bf and the kid were all about to sleep. They've been talking about life, about us. Suddenly, the blogger hugged the kid. He kissed him. And then put his hand inside the Kid's shorts. The kid did so too, but he hesitated. The blogger said it isn't right.

The Kid was crying when he told me the story. He thought this was the end of our relationship.

But I didn't think it was his fault. Blogger should not have done that. What's worse was he did it in front of the bf. The bf didn't mind. He thought that somehow these things are a part of gay relationships.

It's disturbing.

The friendship ended that day. I have forgiven them, but thought it would be better to go our separate ways.

I thought it was hard to find friends. I guess it's harder to trust people now too.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

STEP FORWARD

I just came out from the shower when I read the 'kid's' sms. He wants me to give him a call.

And when I did I was surprised when he told me to talk to his friend.

It was a girl.

She said hi. I said hello.

"You must be Kid's guy?" she asked.

"I guess I am," I replied.

"It's nice to hear your voice," she said then she gave the phone back to the kid.

And then our relationship took another step forward. I knew him telling someone about me would be a hard thing to do. I knew it would eventually happen, and I'm fine if it takes him long so I did not expect him to do so this time. I thought he'd wait until he finishes his masters and start work, but I guess he's ready.

And so now I'm smiling. Been doing so for a few hours already.

Can't take the stupid thing off my face.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

REMEMBERING

I wrote this when I first met the Kid. Who knew that 7 months after, we'll become a couple. And now, we're about to enter our first year together.

How time flies when you're in love.

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One of the rules I've set upon myself in terms of the people I pursue is to not fall for boys much younger than I am. This weekend I broke that rule.

I met Chris last Saturday night and we had a pretty lengthy phone conversation. He's 19 years old, a student and he said that at that moment he was straight. He has a girlfriend, but he was curious about an alternative lifestyle. So he had a few questions which wasn't uncommon for me because when I was the same age those were the questions I was asking myself.

So while being an older brother to the young padwan, I accidentally got the guy to fall for me. Towards the end of the conversation, things turned to something unexpected. He got confused. I'm sure when we started talking he was pretty confident about his sexuality, but by the end not only did I have him question his sexuality, I also made him fall for me. Worse, I fell for the kid.

I have had a bad experience with a kid. I was 23, he was 18 or 19. We rushed into the relationship because we liked how our conversation over the phone. It ended a couple of weeks later with the kid telling me that I have no knowledge of the word love. That was when I said no more kids. And I was doing pretty well. Until now.

Sunday morning I received a message from Chris telling me that he wasn't fully honest with all the details he gave me the night before. He was actually supposed to set me up with his friend as a prank. He said he didn't expect to feel how he felt for me. That wouldv'e been cue for me to let the kid go. But he said he was being honest because he wants to start things right between us.

Last night we had another conversation. I got to know him better. I liked him more, but I noticed he may not really be ready for this kind of lifestyle. I think I was actually pushing him to pursue me.

Anyway I woke up today feeling guilty about what I did last night. I was taking advantage of his confusion. That's not right. In the end, if I pursue the matter, he'd probably end up hating me. If it did work out, I probably would've had him half-baked. Whatever happens I think in the end one of us would end up with a broken heart.

Maybe I was thinking that if I did pursue him, given his situation, he's going to be my responsibility and I may not be ready to have to carry that burden.This morning I said goodbye. It's probably the right thing to do. I just hate that it feels so wrong.

I did the right thing. Right?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST

Before anything: this is not my writing. This is the Kid's obviously. I don't have that wide a vocabulary. :)


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On the Reality of Human Emotion: One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Movie)


Yesterday I watched One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It’s one of those must-see movies in Rotten Tomatoes. Most film critics even regard it as a cinematic masterpiece.


What I like about the film is its appeal to both ‘form’ and ‘substance’. To me, form pertains to: first, what the film says (the story) and second, how the film says what it says (movie elements like cinematography, screenplay, musical score, etc.) On the other hand, substance pertains to the theme. It answers the question ‘so what’.


In my opinion, the substance of a film is as important as its form. Because film is a form of art, its primary essence is to educate the intellect on the truth about human nature through a material that can be appreciated on its own. Thus, a beautiful film, just like a beautiful painting, can provide its audience with ‘disinterested pleasure’.


The film is about a prisoner who pretended to be mad in order to escape prison work. His unexpected deportation to a mental asylum allowed him to do foolish things that he couldn’t have done in prison. The conflict arises by the time the head nurse controls his behavior in the asylum.


1. Substance of the Film: Human Nature as the Triumph of Emotion


At this point, let us explore the substance of the film or its theme. In this light, I want to claim that the ability of the film to capture essential truths about human nature elevates its artistic value, although its thematic meaning is morally erroneous.


The movie elucidates on the REALITY OF HUMAN NATURE by defining it as the TRIUMPH OF EMOTIONS OVER LOGIC. We can clearly see this in the way the characters and events are packaged in the film.


To understand this position, we have to examine the film characters metaphorically. We can group the major characters into two: the head nurse of the mental hospital and McMurphy (Jack Nicholson’s character).


Firstly, the head nurse symbolizes form and order—human logic. Because it is logic, it has to guide human behavior toward the morally upright. However, the film depicts the head nurse as painfully dull and hypocritical. Because she enforces rigid rules and regulations in the hospital, she directly suppresses the patients’ freedom in doing whatever they want.


On the other hand, McMurphy epitomizes vivacity and boldness—human emotion. He takes things less seriously and does stupid things with great pleasure. Thus, hindering his actions is tantamount to bastardizing his essence as a person that is marked by imperfection.


Therefore, the theme of the film is more clearly shown during the conflicts that arise between the head nurse and McMurphy. The suppression of McMurphy’s foolish actions highlights the ‘un-humanness’ of logic—as embodied through the head nurse.


The thematic reasoning of the film goes like this: WE ARE HUMANS BECAUSE WE ARE IMPERFECT. WE ARE IMPERFECT BECAUSE WE ERR. THIS MARKS OUR HUMAN NATURE.


ALTHOUGH FOLLOWING THE GOOD IS LOGICAL AND MORAL, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO ATTAIN PERFECTION GIVEN OUR NATURE AND CIRCUMSTANCE. THEREFORE, IT IS MORE REALISTIC TO STAY IMPERFECT SINCE THIS CAPTURES OUR HUMANITY.


2. The Truth: Human Transcendence as Human Nature


Thus, it is important to ask: what makes human truly human? Is it our imperfections that make us human or our actions to perfect ourselves?


As we see in science fiction novels and films, what differentiates a robot from a person is human emotion—more specifically, his capacity to love. But as the film opines, the emotion is that which is instinctual since it relates to our natural tendency to seek pleasure and avoid pain—whatever pleasure that is.


The movie’s conception of human freedom is hinged on doing whatever we want without any restriction. This makes the evaluation of human behavior relative to the agent’s own feelings and emotions. In effect, logic may obstruct the pursuit of wants, especially when what is wanted is morally corrupted although emotionally pleasurable. Since we embrace imperfection and succumb to temptations, we herald emotions—thinking that by doing so it elevates our humanity. But is it really the case?


The movie unfortunately fails to consider human transcendence as part of human nature. FREEDOM IS NOT ABOUT DOING WHATEVER WE WANT, BUT DOING WHAT IS GOOD FOR US. PRECISELY BECAUSE WE ARE FREE, WE ARE ABLE TO CONTROL OUR EMOTIONS THROUGH THE USE OF LOGIC, THUS, WE ARE ABLE TO TRANSCEND OUR IMPERFECTION. (The use of logic helps us to discern what is good and what is evil in our actions).


In other words, HUMAN TRANSCENDENCE HELPS US REALIZE OUR NATURAL INCLINATION TOWARD PERFECTION, HOWEVER IMPERFECT WE ARE. Through the intellect, we are able to seek for the truth; and through the will, we are able to do what is good. The pursuit of truth and goodness justifies our natural inclination toward perfection.


In this sense, although human emotion is an essential facet of our humanity, it must be grounded on logic. Inter-personal love, for example, works best when it follows its objective aspect, that is, the bettering of the character of the persons involved. Thus, it can be claimed that feeling the emotion is more fulfilling when we know that it based on righteous human action.


Therefore, it is LOGIC GUIDING EMOTION THAT MARKS TRUE HUMAN NATURE. As the philosopher Boethius said, a human person is an ‘individual substance with rational nature’ (persona est rationalis naturae individua substantia). Let's keep that in mind.