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Friday, January 14, 2011

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE EPIC FAILS

A couple years back in my other home I wrote about a few of my failed worldly escapades. A journal of some of the dumbest things I did when I was still younger.

Mind you, my blog back then was a straight blog, so to avoid being found out, I kept some details regarding my trysts. I don’t want to lie in my blog, so I wrote it in Filipino to avoid specifying the gender of my partners back then.

I’ve been backreading my other blog looking for something to write for this home when I stumbled upon that particular post. I thought why not tell the truth about those escapades. So I decided to translate it and share what really happened then.

Here’s the original post if you want to compare.

WHY I NORMALLY DON’T BRING PARTNERS HOME
Apart from my partner, I normally don’t bring guys to my home. I have nosy neighbours who tell my parents every detail of what they hear or say about other people. I’m the single guy in the street. I don’t want others thinking I’m not straight since most of them have been bugging me to go out with their daughters or not so hot lady friends.

Anyway, I was still in college when I brought someone home. Back then we lived in the old house. It was a bungalow. Unlike now wherein I sleep in the 2nd floor, back then my room was just beside the backyard. The guy I brought home was Jason (I mentioned him a couple of times already… he was my obsession).

He was really hot and our libidos were scorching. So we decided to lock ourselves up in my room. To cut the story short, we just popped in a porn video and started mimicking what we were watching.

In the middle of doing the dirty little deed, in the middle of delirium, my eyes chanced upon my bedroom window. And there it is the most shocking sight to behold. On the other side of my bedroom window was my grandmother.

We stared at each other for like forever. And when she finally realized she was staring at her grandson, she immediately left.

She said, “don’t mind me I’m just pulling out the laundry.”

WHY I DON’T DO SOP
If you ask me now I really don’t get the phone deed. I’ve only done it recently because me and the Kid, we don’t really see each other often. But doing the deed with strangers, I’m really baffled by it.

Back when I was still single, if someone said that they wanted to do it with me, I’d immediately cut communications with that person. It doesn’t really turn me on.

Maybe because the first time I did it, I did it with a girl. And it was hilarious. Here’s what happened.

Remember when I was really young, I was addicted to those text channels where you send your number on air hoping to find other horny teen-agers. I did meet one girl. She was game. And she sounded really hot. And I was really horny.
I was actually looking to really score that night, but the girl didn’t want to, so I settled with the phone deed. In fairness she seemed to know what she was doing. She was describing what she was doing. Taking off her clothes. Her undies. She was asking me to moan for her. And I was doing what she asked me to do.

But then she said, “shit, nangingisay ako!”

I was like huh? WTF?! Did she just say nangingisay? And I imagined her having seizure or being electrocuted or something. And I laughed hysterically. I can’t stop laughing because I was imagining her having seizure.

Yeah, she dropped the phone on me.

WHY I DON’T DO SEB
That text channel was like the source of some of my epic fails in my youth. I’ve had a few hits with the channel (with Jason and some other hot one night stands), but a lot of the people I met there were epic fails.

I think I was enjoying unemployment that time so midnights are really like afternoons for me. I was always tuned in to that channel hoping I’d find someone interesting… or really horny. I found the latter.

The guy I met was witty. He was funny and he seemed really smart. He wasn’t boring. And he sounded like he was really good looking on the phone. So we flirted for a couple of days. Then he invited me over to his apartment since he said he was alone that time. I was horny (obviously) so I thought what the heck. We need to have sex every once in awhile. And there I went.

I really had this picture of the guy in my mind from listening to his voice. He kind of sounded like that kid from the Mara Clara remake. He really sounded good. Like when God showered man with great voices he was up front and center. But he left just in time when God gave away good looks.

He was really a challenge to look at. I was like, fuck, what have I gotten myself into?! But what can I do really, I was already there. And he was already all over me, kissing my neck, grabbing my crotch. He was in heat, and unfortunately I was the sun. He pulled my shorts and started sucking. But I wouldn’t get stiff. It was the longest five minutes of my life. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I pulled it out of him and put on my clothes. I apologized and I left hurriedly.

Just as I left their gate it started raining. It was a different kind of wet that I wanted to that night.

WHY I ALWAYS BRING CONDOMS
I think it was about six years ago when I met another horny guy in the text chatroom. I’ve had so many fails already that time that I got smarter. Before meeting up with people I first look at their Friendster profile. And at that time I hit the jackpot.

The guy was not bad to look at. He had a great figure. And best of all he liked me too.

We both didn’t have a place back then so we decided to rent a room. We went to Eurotel in Las Piñas. We were already in heat even before getting there grabbing each other every chance we got. When we got in the room, we were all over each other. Kissing. Licking. Necking. Petting. Whatever, it was game on! It was my first time doing it in a motel and I wanted it to be great. But then he asked me…

“You have protection?”

“What?”

“Condom?”

“None, I’ll just pull it out when I’m almost there…” I said.

“No, I don’t do it without protection.”

Fuck. I didn’t have one. Well I did, but it was four years old. And I didn’t think to buy one on the way. We were horny as hell, but we didn’t want to buy one anymore. And I didn’t want to ring room service if they have one because it’s embarrassing.

We ended up just jerking each other. So anti-climactic.

We slept beside each other with a pillow in between us.

******************
Relish this post as I don't do this normally in my blogs and probably wouldn't do this again for a long time.

13 comments:

Klaus said...

Thanks for posting this. You probably saved me from 3 probable epic fails. Unfortunately, 2 years too late for one of them :( Haha

Mac Callister said...

hindi ko alam un isa mong blog!hahaha!!!

SOP kinda lame for me too, di ko trip ever,never ko un ginawa,i dont know,parang katamad lang!LOL

JR said...

Epic fails talaga hahaha - Thanks for sharing fafa! Im sure dami makakarelate!

James - M.I. said...

What a coincidence, I've also experienced those epic fails with a slight variation on the first one.

A high school friend and I were caught jerking off by my mother while watching porn in my room. My friend was on the other side of the bed and I was on the other side. I thought I was straight back then. My friend is straight as an arrow and is already married now. it was just one of his experimental stages.

Mama, never talked about it with me though until now. I'm not sure what she was thinking. After that, every time I wanted to jerk off, I always made sure to lock the door.

c - e - i - b - o - h said...

thanks for sharing..
ang i totally laughed after reading the "nangingisay" scenario.. LOL

nice one..

Kyle said...

hahaha natawa din ako sa nangisay. nagkamali ng term na sinabi. hindi ka matuturn-on talaga nun kundi matatakot kung anong nangyari sa kanya. :D

Duke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Constant Bonsaist said...

ang halay naman!

chos!

naloka aketch sa lola sightsiva! lol!

Guyrony said...

With failure we learn.

Humiliating and ridiculous may it be.

Sean said...

omg. paano ka naka-recover from that lola incident. and paano rin siya naka-recover haha!

Clarence said...

di ko kinaya ang comment ni lola.. pero malakas pa ang puso nya ah hehehe

Nielz said...

HAHAHAHA! The lola incident was for a Maalaala mo Kaya moment.. hahaha...

Buti na lang malakas ang loob ni lola. I remember watching a movie with the same scenario.. the lola died of heart attack. american pie yata yun or whatever.. lol.

I liek your lola. so much. :D

rufusOmar said...

lesson learned. always bring condoms.