Saturday, October 30, 2010


Of all the exes that have been mentioned in my blog there’s only been one that I haven’t written yet. I think it’s about time that I write about this now. One last ex that I haven’t written about here in my home. The last ex I had.

The blogger.

It was I think almost a year ago when I met the blogger. I communicated simply because I wanted to ask for pasalubong from when he comes back to Manila from the province. Apparently, that simple gift-asking turned into flirting. One thing lead to another, and then a day later, the blogger became my beau.

Yeah, it was a whirlwind thing. Looking back, I really didn’t think it through. I was already hesitant when the question was first asked. During that time, I was really digging ‘the kid’. But then, the kid really wasn’t asking for something more than friendship. And then here comes the blogger who doesn’t really know me, asking me to be his beau. Subconsciously, I think I wanted ‘the kid’ to be jealous. So I said yes.

Credit due to the blogger, I did enjoy the first couple of weeks of the relationship. The breakfast dates were wonderful. And he’s the only relationship I had, that my friends actually liked (kid hasn’t met any of my real friends yet, just blog friends). On our first week even, we went out of town. Quezon. That was nice.

We saw each other every day. And I think that’s where the problem started. I saw the blogger every day. I have this personality, I guess, wherein I get saturated easily. I didn’t get the alone time which I was used to (being single for 2 years prior to this one). I felt strangled. Caged.

And then there’s the kid. If I did subconsciously plan to make the kid jealous, it worked. The kid became more attentive. Sweeter. He got my attention. And so I started cheating, I guess.

The difference between the two, is that I know ‘the kid’ much better. I’ve known him longer. And whenever we talk, we never ran out of things to say to each other. The blogger was the opposite. Conversations over the phone usually includes, ‘hmmm’, ‘what’ ‘la lang’, and ‘I love you’. Or I guess I stopped trying.

Things didn’t really help especially when I told a few blog friends the identity of my beau. Some laughed. There was one who was cryptic about the blogger. I didn’t really ask too much detail because for one, the blogger was honest with me regarding his issues with other bloggers. But as they say, once a seed is planted, it’s not going to go away.

And I was just bad. Towards the end of the relationship, say when I was talking to the blogger, whenever I received a text from ‘the kid’ that he wants to talk, I’d hang up on him to call the latter. I wasn’t being fair. I wasn’t being honest. And that was wrong.

One day when I went out to meet a friend, I told him my situation. I realized if I let this continue, I’m running the risk of losing them both. So I had to choose. The person who makes me feel secure. Or the person who makes me smile.

I chose the person who makes me smile.

That night, when I got home, I texted the blogger and asked for a cool off.

I gave him a call a few days later and he asked me if things could still be fixed. I didn’t want to give him false hopes. Apart from our school, we had nothing in common. And I don’t want to hurt him more than I already did.

It took me awhile to write this. It’s hard when you know you’re the villain of the story. I was the bad guy. I was in the wrong. I’ve apologized for it. And karma’s already got me twice over. But it’s been a year already. I’d like to believe we’ve moved on. He’s got his new beau, and I’m with my ‘kid’. Things are okay now.

Relationships are hard. But it’s a tough life.


anteros' dominion said...

ang mahalaga napatawad mo ang sarili mo sa nangyari...

mukhang natatandaan ko iyong komento mo sa isang blogger nuon na humihingi ka ng pasalubong mula sa kaniya...

Désolé Boy said...

and am on the losing side...
this is hard coz i am convinced that i'm at the other end of your story.
"I don’t want to hurt him more than I already did." -like

Mac Callister said...

you're a bad-bad girl...LOL

atleast naki[pag break ka namn ng ayos,maybe this time kaya mo na masabi sa knya kapag nag ask siya if ever, na may iba ka na pala at that time na kayo pa.

joelmcvie said...

And the both of you just blogged about your past relationships. =)

ʎonqʎʇıɔ said...

@mcvie i was gonna say the exact same thing. haha fun!

must be the season. it's always good to look at the past. not to go all jose rizal on you but it certainly puts the present into a more appropriate perspective. (parang tongue twister lang)

Rah said...

nobody said it was easy. :)

Anonymous said...

is there really a need for a comparison, engel?


Kane said...

OMG Engel!!! Heartbreaker ka pala!!!

We always look at our previous relationships differently after a while no?

But, naloka pa rin ako dito - "Apart from our school, we had nothing in common."

You did have fun, perhaps, you just liked the kid more it distracted you.

Remember, we learn from our past, or else you'll repeat it.


Yj said...

and you really really had to write that last line? hahahahahaha

i am happy for the both of you... things finally turned out, all for the better... :)