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Monday, May 24, 2010

CONTENTMENT

Seven months.

It took seven months.

**********
The way we met, heck everything about us, you won't think anything will happen.

He is 19. I am 28. He was unsure about who he is. I was impatient. He likes girls. I'm gay. He was just bored. I'm overly romantic. He loves me. But he kept it in. I love him, but he frustrates me.

The seven months that we've known each other was a roller coaster ride. Alot of ups and so many lows. And when the lows come in, it's really low. It was so fucked up. Messed up. What you get for falling for a kid, right? But I did.

Two months in, was the first low. He had a girlfriend then. I just broke up with my ex. We were friends. But things aren't what I wanted it to be. Maybe I pushed myself too hard on him. He felt pressured, I guess. And he had his friends and his girlfriend. So without a word, he turned his back on me.

What happened hurt. I was depressed for weeks. I didn't know what went wrong. Because prior to his walking out on me, I thought we were okay. We were friends. And the last message he sent me, he said he loves me. It may have all been a lie.

Three months after, I was already moving on. Thoughts of him no longer linger as often as it did when we parted. I was flirting with other people. I have almost forgotten.

Then one afternoon, he chatted me up again. Out of nowhere, he just said hi. And all my defenses came crashing. To protect myself from getting hurt, a line was drawn. This time, it's all about being friends. The interactions were limited. The feelings guarded.

But feelings, it's a funny thing. No matter how much you cover it up, it still finds a way to show. And worse, the feelings kept being rejected.

Last week was probably the climax of our twisted relationship. He was drunk with a girl friend. And you know how alcohol blurs the senses. Suffice it to say, something happened. But before that, we were texting each other and he told me he needed me. The next day I found out what happened.

It was frustrating. I wanted to give up. I felt I do not deserve to be treated that way. I asked a friend (believe it or not, it's Ternie), what I can do to end all this shit. I hated being rejected again. He asked me if he was worth feeling shitty about being rejected. I said yes. And he told me to talk to him.

The next morning he felt I was pissed off. I asked him what he'd do if he was right. And he replied he'd just end everything between us.

It just made me mad. I questioned what I said about him being worth all the pain. So instead of talking to him to maybe work things out, I decided to end it.

That being the second time already, moving on wasn't as difficult. I let it all out on Kane. I told him our story, and after that, when I woke up everything was okay. It was like a heavy burden being lifted off my shoulders. No more worries. No more rejections. No more problem.

Things even looked up for me at work.

Sunday night, I was looking for the moon (because of the event with Venus or something) and didn't find it. Instead I saw a shooting star. I did not make a wish, but he was the first person that came to mind when I saw it.

Last Wednesday evening I received a text from him formally ending whatever it is we had. I was moving on. And it was okay. But honestly, in my heart I wasn't ready to let him go.

The next day I went to St. Jude to pray. I asked God to give me a sign that I need to move on already. And that if he was the one, give him back.

Early morning Sunday, I was off to bed after getting myself distracted the whole evening playing video games. I saw a few unread messages on my phone.

"It's so hard forgetting about you."

"Maybe because I know you are the one and yet I still shun it."

"It hurts to realize I turned back on someone who loved me the way you did."

A friend of his told him that it wasn't me who was stupid for loving him. It was he who was stupid for not appreciating it.

That evening we had a long talk after that. Cards dealt. Feelings out on the open. We were both crying. He said sorry for being insensitive and for hurting me. He said the words that I've always wanted to hear. He's now ready to man up for us.

And for the first time, I really felt it when he said that he loves me too.

Monday 11:00 am. I'm sleepless and tired.

But I can't take this smile off of my face.

***********
I was talking to Kane this morning. Yeah, I guess I'm back.

15 comments:

SOLTERO said...

wow...hope everything turns out real fine... remember, keep it cool, do not suffocate him .. good luck dude, wish u happiness :)

drew said...

Coooooongratulations! Ang roller coaster nakakahilo pero ibang klaseng satisfaction ang nararamdaman after taking the ride. ;)

Mu[g]en said...

I guess our difference lies in the habit of not fighting formy feelings. I would just let it drift away and, well, pretend the guy never existed.

Best wishes dude.

Kane said...

Sooooo .... to a new adventure Engel. =)

The journey was long but look, you made it!

Hug,
Kane

canonista said...

Please remember that he is a kid.

No matter how mature he thinks, he is still a kid who lacks experience in things such as love, as compared to you who have been in such cases before. You are putting yourself at risk at being broken again. I am not saying that you should stop, what I am saying is... you know better.

Here is an entry I wrote about making choices....

http://iamembracinglife.blogspot.com/2010/05/of-hearts-and-minds.html

I just want to help, because I have been broken before, I know exactly what you've been through.

Good day.

SAM said...

All my best wishes on this adventure. May life, love and luck look down upon you like the stars veiling the night sky. :-)

Niel Camhalla said...

"He is 19. I am 28."

That sums it up.

lee said...

it's nice to know you're happy and smiling :)

and yey! ur back =D

engel said...

lee: thanks my friend. :)

niel: age doesn't matter. i think. and if it does, i guess we'll have to work through it.

sam: awww. thanks!

canonista: yeah, i know better. but i have high hopes that this will work. this will be different. because believe me you have no idea what we went through before we came here.

kane: thank you. i know you're happy for me.

joms: try it one time, it's risky, but sometimes it pays off.

drew: yup. ang sarap ng feeling lalo na pagbinabalikan ninyo yung pinagdaanan niyo.

soltero: the difference now with my previous relationships is that we talk about everything. what we'll go through and how we'll overcome it. this is really different. i hope.

jp_cardinale said...

kuya engel hope your really back! love reading your stories! good luck sa love life..;)

arkin said...

"But feelings, it's a funny thing. No matter how much you cover it up, it still finds a way to show." thumbs up.

i really wish everything will turn out well. i kinda understand how he feels, changing preferences blah, saying i love you to a guy that i really love but not being man enough to break up with my girl.

kids, you have to let them play a little til they get over it.

Yj said...

OMG... kilig...

kapit bahay ko lang ang st.jude pero never kong pinuntahan.... kung kinakailangang maglakad ako ng paluhod gagawin ko, ibigay lang niya sa akin si papa Piolo...

happy for you Engel.. hugsies

Désolé Boy said...

i feel for you dude!

but in my case, i want us to stay friends..parang big bro-little bro relationship (he's 21 am turning 23)

good luck!

goodboi said...

Hahaha, I proved you wrong man. I knew you're going to come back! Aha!

Cheers!

rjpebs said...

Aaaw this is sweet. :-)