COOL OFF

It's never an easy thing.

Writing about it is much harder.

After four weeks, I broke it off. More like I requested for a cooling period.

Most of you'd be curious as to I why changed my mind when I was really in love with him in previous posts. That feeling was actually genuine. It was real. It was true.

I never doubted for a second how much he loved me. He makes sure that I know that everyday. When we're together, even if we're not. And I loved him for that. I was happy.

Sadly, the memories of the old me came lingering. It wanted to have some time alone. To be free. It felt contained. Pressured. And I realized that I am unable to give back everything he gives.

It would be unfair for him if I continue with this. I thought it would be better to break his heart while he still loves me, rather than end it because he's already sick of my inability to love him back. I love him, and I thought that was the best thing to do. I don't want to hurt him, but I feel that if I go on with it, I'll be hurting him even more. He probably hates me now.

I'm probably going regret this one of these days, but I think for now, this would be the best thing to do. I don't think I'll be in a relationship for a little while after this. I think the problem is me. I need to figure what I want much better before I enter into this again.

Cooling off. Breaking up. It's never an easy thing. Someone's bound to have a broken heart.

HIATUS?

Engel's not on blog hiatus.

This is the first time he's had a long weekend in some time.

So he's doing what a decent yuppy does during these times.

He sleeps.

A lot.

And plays with his Xbox.

And sleeps some more.

And tries to catch up on Pinoy Big Brother.

He doesn't have alot of money anymore to go out on dates.

So Engel apologizes for not being able to bloghop these days.

He's just making the most out of his vacation.

And again, he's not on hiatus.

Not yet anyway, he's scared Rudeboy'll skin his parrot!

UPDATED

Reasons why Engel hasn't written anything in days:

• Busy with his love life.
• Busy playing Assassin's Creed 2, Dragon Age and Fallout 3.
• Finally, getting busy at work.
  
• Writer's block.
• Lack of sleep during the weekends.
• He's still contemplating whether to delete this blog or not.
• Stress from work.
  
• He realized his posts are shallow. As in really shallow. Most of the time.
• He's laying low again because someone's stalking him again.
• Maybe he's just tired.

There are so many things Engel wants to say, but he can't find the words to type in. Maybe he should start writing about sex.

Nah.

IMPERFECT

Let's lay down all the cards with this post. Engel will tell you everything he thinks you need to know about him. He knows there's no such thing as a perfect boyfriend, but he thinks he's not really good at being in a relationship. He's not that bad, but he's not all there.

ENGEL WILL BE BAD AT REMEMBERING DATES
He may not always remember when your anniversary is or occassionally forget that you have a weekend date on a particular Saturday or Sunday. It's not that he purposely forget these things, it's just he's brain damaged. His mind gets easily occupied of trivial stuff that sometimes he forgets the really important things. Be patient with him and oftentimes, he will make up for it with really awesome sexy time (just kidding). But he will make up for it.

HE'S A BAD DATE
If he doesn't talk too much during dates, it's not that he's bored or anything. He's just really quiet. That's why he prefers really talkative people to balance out his being quiet all the time. But he does listen. He will remember everything you said, specially if he thinks it's important. From time to time he will surprise you. He could be spontaneous too, you know. You just need to open yourself up a little. He will really appreciate that.

HE'S NOT THAT SWEET
He doesn't prefer public displays of affection, seeing how he is. You're likely only going to receive gifts during special occassions (birthday, anniversary, Christmas). He's not going to bombard you with I Love You's or I Miss You's nor will he baby talk with you all the time. He was used to the single life, and sometimes cuddling could be uncomfortable for him. He's not saying you have to get used to that, he's still learning. He may be 27, but that doesn't mean he knows everything. He's screwed up all his past relationships, but he is trying to change. It may take a long time, but he'll get there.

ENGEL'S TACTLESS
Sometimes he just doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut when it comes to his opinions. Oftentimes he delivers inappropriate jokes, and there's a chance that he could be a jerk. He's not spoiled, but he is an only child, so the tendency of him being a brat is kind of high. Sometimes he will be naive, unless you tell him, he wouldn't have a clue that you need/want something. He mostly jokes around, and alot of those times, he doesn't mean it. He just wants to make you smile, but if it doesn't work, or you're offended, he knows how to apologize.

This is not to say that you have to deal and get used to Engel's imperfections. He's just saying be patient with him. He's still learning. He's not that experienced in this kind of relationship. He's lived his life mostly on his own, and is still getting used to the idea of being with someone. But this imperfect boyfriend loves you. And he will love you. Always.

ANONIMITY

These past few days, I've been thinking whether to delete this blog or to continue writing.

I created this for the sole purpose of anonimity. To write freely because nobody knows who I am. This has changed recently, either voluntarily or not. Not that I don't like people finally knowing who I really am (specially those who've been following my straight blog), but just like Ternie said on one of our conversations, bloggers are smart people and should not be underestimated.

Thankfully, those who know respect me enough to not spread the truth among other bloggers (not that everyone's interested). Anyway, with people knowing, the purpose of this blog has become moot. Not everyone knows who I am, but I guess I'm just being careful because if this spills out, I not only have blogfriends who read my other home. Family as well as friends who don't know the truth about me will know. And I don't really think I'm ready to announce that to the world yet.

Xtian did make a point earlier, when we were chatting, which actually got me thinking twice about making the decision. If it weren't for this blog then I wouldn't have met the people I've met. I've also said before that in creating this blog I'm actually looking forward to meeting people like me. Men who have a secret to protect, and I've achieved that goal by a hundredfold. I even met someone I love here. So throwing it all away to start something new would be stupid.

If ever I make that decision to end this blog it would really be hard. Please don't think I don't value the people I've met here, because I do. I appreciate all the help, all the advise, all the interactions I've had with the wonderful bloggers in this side of the blogosphere.

But before you react violently, let me tell you something about Engel's other personality/blog. Before creating this new home, he actually said goodby twice. But that blog up until now, is still active.

Who knows, right?

SCATTERED THOUGHTS III

If Engel is not updating as often as he wanted to be, that would be because he's currently addicted to playing Dragon Age Origins on his XBox.

This weekend he spent most of his bonus buying original dvd's and xbox games. That's his Christmas gift to himself. Oh, and he bought a pair of shoes from his friend. Because said friend is strapped for cash and Engel does not know how to say no.

***********
He bought an original copy of Dragon Age Origins and Tekken 6.

Tekken 6 just like it's predecessors look awesome. The gameplay's familiar and just everything about it is just as Engel remembered. He missed playing Jin, Eddie, Nina Williams, Xiaoyu, Hwoarang and every other player in the game. Brings back memories of high school.

It really would be better if he's playing with someone, but hey playing solo's fine as well. He needs to unlock some of the secret characters (if there are any) anyway. Plenty of things to do.

***********
Dragon Age is an RPG in the same vein of Mass Effect, but instead of space, the game is set in ancient times. When dragons roamed the world. It's actually quite addicting. You'd want your character to continuously level up because that will unlock alot of the character's other abilities.

Just like Mass Effect, the game makes you choose your dialogue and may have an effect on where the story will go to. But he's only played the game for a little more than two hours. Still have alot to explore.

This game reminds him a little of The Lord of the Rings.

Engel's actually excited to buy Assassin's Creed 2 that'll be coming out this week.

***********
Engel also bought pirated versions of Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2, Wet, Fight Night 4, Fallout 3, Street Fighter 4, and Borderlands. He's now looking for a copy of Brutal Legend. People say that it's actually very good.

Can anyone point Engel to the right direction where he could buy that title?

***********
This weekend, Engel also bought a copy of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Star Trek and Up. All three of which were some of Engel's favorite summer popcorn flicks.

He has yet to see them though. Been busy with the parties, meet-ups and video games that took most of his weekend off.

***********
That's it for now. Engel's still sleepy. Weekends are supposed to let people get enough sleep, but this past few ones, he's barely slept at all. His eyebags are getting bigger and bigger, and pimples are one by one popping out of his face.

Can't wait for the US Thanksgiving Holiday. That would mean he could finally get that well deserved sleep.

TRYSTS

Being young sometimes meant being stupid.

Engel during his late teens/early twenties was experimental. He wanted to experience things that he's never done before. That actually meant frequenting the mIRC chatrooms (Ternie, the technology is not that old, and I think it still exist).

During the early years of Engel's sexperimental stage, MMS and colored cellular phones weren't invented yet (and even when it did, only the coño kids had that). Anyway, so pic exchange before eyeballs weren't done yet. So the basis for him and his partners to meet would be the voice on the other end of the line. Fortunately, Engel had or has (?) a great voice on the phone. Add that he knew how to flirt effectively back then that he was able to hook up with guys people would consider as a good catch.

So every once in awhile, Engel would be lucky enough to be asked out either on a date or an eyeball. Whatever happens after is dependent as to how the meet up went. Engel's had plenty of indiscretions when he didn't know any better. Unfortunately, not alot of his trysts weren't successful.

Engel barely remembers alot of the people he's met up with. Only a few people did register in his mind because it was either really awesome or effin' bad. So this post is about the latter. Reminders of Engel's bad dates.

IÑAKI
Okay, obviously this wasn't the guy's name. You know how people like to use false names to impress the prospect. Well, Iñaki used that one. He said he was from Ateneo, fair, lean and that he's in his early 20's. Over the phone, the guy actually sounded okay. His english wasn't as proficient as you'd expect from an Atenean but he could talk in straight english if you don't mind the grammatical errors every other sentence.

So anyway, the guy was sweet and was sensible enough that Engel got interested to meet up. Then when the day came that Engel and Iñaki saw each other, Engel's jaw dropped. Iñaki is actually in yuckie! Well he is fair. But he also never outgrew the pimples stage of his youth. He had piercing all over his face, and he definitely didn't look Atenean. He looked like a really dirty mestizo, whatever that means.

During that time, Engel was still a little more presentable (meaning he looked less stressed out). So the date actually found him suitable. Yuckie actually wanted to display affection in the middle of Sbarro back then. But the writer resisted. Yuckie definitely wasn't Engel's type. So Engel ate quickly, while the date was still finishing his meal, Engel excused himself to go to the johns, but went for the exit.

Engel was a huge ass back then.

RYAN
Straight off the bat, Ryan only wanted sex. And when Engel met Ryan, he was kinda in the mood to indulge. Since they actually live in neighboring villages, Engel decided he will go.
So at 2 in the morning, Engel sneaked out of the house to meet up. The bad thing about sending messages during midnight is you get your little head do the thinking and not factor in everything else. So when he arrived at Ryan's house, he was surprised at who welcomed him.

You see Engel forgot to ask for Ryan's details. Height. Weight. Looks. He let his dick point the directions, and the destination was hell. Ryan was an obese fag who looked like a ninja turtle. Engel was trapped. He can't back out anymore. So he got pulled in.

Ryan tried to kiss Engel on the lips. It may have been oily. Since Ryan was much bigger than Engel, he wasn't able to do anything with the guy's groping and kissing. When Engel's shorts were pulled down, nothing came up. Engel's other head was limp. Ryan ordered the writer to get his hard, but it never happened.

When Engel couldn't take the harassment anymore, he pulled up his pants and left.

*************
This is already a long post. Engel still have a few stories to tell. But it will be for another time. But for now, this will have to do.

Engel is not promiscuous. He's had quite a number of epic failed meet ups that it traumatized him. His trysts period did not last very long.

TAGALOG

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi naman mahirap iyon. Mababaw lang ako. Hindi ko kailangan na dalhin sa pinakamalalayo't pinakamagagandang lugar sa mundo, basta alam kong gusto ako ng kasama ko, nasa langit na ako.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi ako guwapo. Hindi ako matipuno. Hindi ako matalino. Okay, matalino ako ng kaunti. Hindi rin ako maghahangad ng mga ganung tao. Basta ba tanggap mo ang mga topak ko, ang puso ko'y iyung-iyo.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi ko kailangan ng mamahaling regalo. Hindi ako maghahangad na ipakilala mo sa mundo. Hindi mo nga kailangang araw-araw kausapin ako. Basta hawak ko ang mga kamay mo, maligaya na ako.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi mo kailangang gustuhin ang mga pinagkakaabalahan ko. Hindi nga kita kukuliting basahin ang mga sinusulat ko. Hindi din kita pipiliting mahalin ang mga mahal ko. Basta papasukin mo ako sa mundo mo, okay nako.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Hindi ako perpektong tao. Ako'y nagkakamali. Natutukso. Nabuburaot. Nababato. May pagka-ugaling manyakis din ako. Pagalitan mo man ako, basta ba kakampihan mo ako, pipilitin kong kahit papano'y magbago.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako. Ipakita mong interesado ka. Iparamdam mong mahal mo ako. Yun lang ang kailangan mong gawin, mahuhulog na ako. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mahalin ako.

***************
Engel wanted to write something different. He needs to make up for the five days that he's been gone from his blog. He's not being emo, nor does this post mean anything. But the words have been running in his head since this morning.

Engel doesn't write in Filipino very often. He has another venue for these kinds of posts. But he just wants to do something new.

Engel sucks at poetry, and this is his lame attempt at writing one.

WRITER'S BLOCK

It's been awhile, eh?

Please don't think that Engel hasn't been posting because of his newfound love. Oh no. He's got alot of ideas running in his mind right now about things he should write about. He's got rough drafts of some things he wants to talk about (not necessarily about his lovelife), but just can't finish, or when he reads the post back, the execution of the post is not as great as he intended it to be so he just deletes the whole thing.

He doesn't want to write about his love life, because apparently, Beki finds it nauseating. Don't take that seriously please, that's just a joke. All Engel wants is World Peace and a kick-ass home entertainment system.

Now he doesn't want to write about anything else going on in his life because frankly it's boring. Other than his lovelife nothing significant is happening in his life. Well, there's actually one thing but that's a post that will be written in the far future. Way far into the future. Like 2-3 years into the future.

He could write about sex, but that's something he promised never to do, whether it's in this blog or on another. He doesn't kiss and tell. He wants to though. Maybe he should create another new blog. For those kinds of posts. And this time make it really anonymous, and cross his fingers that that one really sticks.

Or maybe he could repost some of his old works here just to see if his posts back in the days would still be applicable now. But then again, alot of his good posts have been reposted already, on his multiply, myspace even in his same old blog. He doesn't want this blog to be home of his former posts. He wants this to have all new posts.

Then there's Joy. Engel is always fond of writing about Joy. He's not in love with the guy anymore, it's just posts about Joy tend to be easy and light and comfortable. But he doesn't want a certain someone to get jealous. We're just friends.

What to write? What to write?

Writer's block. Wikipedia defines this as a condition, in which the author loses the ability to produce new work. Yeah, right writer's block his ass. Engel's probably still in love. Yeah Beki, you can go ahead and puke. =)

SCATTERED THOUGHTS II

This is not a cheese post. Not entirely.

******************
Recently, Engel's been scouring youtube to find videos of Vice Ganda. He's seen the stand-up comic on tv and he's really impressed. But his live shows are just hilarious. Engel's mother almost dialed the mental institution to have her son picked up because he just can't stop laughing whenever he remembers scenes from clips posted online. Have you seen the one with JJ Helderbrand (spellcheck please)? That was comedy gold.

******************
Last weekend, Engel hit another low when it comes to his comic book expenses. Believe it or not, Engel bought P4000 worth of comic books in just one purchase. That's a month's worth of comic books in one day. Darn you Marvel and DC for your Blackest Nights and Old Man Logans and all your expensive comic books!!!

******************
Engel have been hearing some things about what people have been saying about his blog. He's flattered that some people have taken interest in his blog, as well as it's writer. But he thinks it's not really well-deserved. He admits, what he's hearing gives him a little ego boost, but that also means he's just setting up people for a huge disappointment.

He thinks Engel's barely anonymous anymore. He knows at least three people who's already know of his other personality. There's probably more, but you know what, that's fine.

******************
By the way, last night Engel saw ABS-CBN's latest Station ID plug, and the whole time he was keeping his tearducts in check. The message was really moving. He knows that this has been a hard year for us Filipinos, specially those who were hit by all the typhoons that menaced the country. Engel especially loved the song. It was really nice and very appropriate for the season.

******************
Engel and his beau's planning to spend Saturday at his home. Incidentally, that day's his father's birthday.

Now his parents have been noticing that he's a bit blooming these past few days. He spends most of the day inside his room instead of in front of the computer, so they smelled something fishy with their son.

Anyway, forgetting the event on Saturday asked his parents to cook something special on that day. His father then asked if Engel's bringing a girl on his birthday. He actually asked Engel when he plans to have a family and give him a grandson/daughter.

"Good luck" was all he could say. "I'm bringing home a guy friend."

And now some more relatives from the province will be visiting as well on that day. Fuck!!!

Let's see what will happen then. It's gonna be screwed up.

"Mahal, thank god for our breakfast dates."

CONFESSIONS OF AN EX-SINGLE GUY

To be honest, before when I read fellow bloggers (whether from my straight blog friend or here) write about meeting the one, falling in love, or being happy with their relationships, I get jealous. Sometimes I wish they fell in love with me. I don't know these bloggers, but when you read the words they utter because of what their hearts dictate, you can't help but get attracted. The guy/girl they liked are lucky. I wished it was me.

A few weeks back I posted longing to write about my love life while I'm in the middle of that love life. I didn't think it would happen so soon. Not that I'm not happy that finally God gave me something I've been praying for since I discovered St. Jude, because I am. I'm very happy. I have nothing more to ask for.

But it happened very fast, what we have, and I'm lying if I say that I'm not worried about us. Most of my failed relationships were whirlwind romances, and this one is almost the same. We exchanged messages, had a long phone conversation, exchanged social networking site addresses, and before we knew it we were calling each other 'mahal.'

I really want this to be different. God knows I want this to work out. I want him to be my last.

I've been single for the longest time in my life, and honestly I really am not familiar anymore how to do this. How to be a good boyfriend. Should I say this? Should I do that?

Meeting up with him this morning was really terrifying for me. Our first 'date' and I'm not going to make a good impression to him. I looked lousy. My face was oily, my hands sweaty. I didn't sleep long the day before. We ate at Jollibee, and as much as I'd like to hold his hand earlier, we were both scared we're showing public display of affection. I thought this is it, he'll change his mind about me.

I need help. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I'm not doubting this relationship. I trust him. I love him. I just wish he would be patient with me because I don't think I'll ever be a perfect boyfriend. I'm pretty sure there will be days I will totally fuck up. That I'll be really messed up. But I hope he will understand. I hope he will still stay. And that he'll love me just as much as I do him.

I jumped into this relationship because every voice inside my head is telling me to just run ahead. Just do it. He is worth the risk.

I hope I'm worth his.

I CAN'T WAIT...

to wake up every morning to your I love you's.

to talk to you everyday before i go to sleep and before I go to work.

for making up after a petty quarrel about forgetting our anniversary.

to go out on dates with you.

for you to meet my family, and me yours.

for our out of town trips.

to make our relationship last longer than the longest ones we had.

to cuddle up with you during cold nights.

to share an umbrella with you when we go out.

to talk to you even if the words coming out of our lines are 'uhmm', 'ha', and 'ano'.

to kiss you, to hug you and to just be with you.

*********

Today marks the day Engel ends his single days. He's finally in a relationship. It may have been a whirlwind relationship, but they both agreed that they'll make things work. He knows Engel. Engel knows him.

He likes it. Engel loves him.

He prays that he's the one, and this time it will work.

NOT SO YOUNG ANYMORE

Engel has long ago accepted the fact that he's missed on alot of things that young people often enjoy. When he was younger, he didn't go bar hopping, unplanned out of town trips, fooling around with strangers, promiscuity, wild crazy things that young people do.

He's not saying he's old. He's only 27. Barely in the prime of his life. But because he was too focused on his job so much when he was younger, he forgot to live.

You see ever since he started school, he's actually become more of an introvert. He's often aloof when strangers are around. He can't initiate small talk. He's basically shy. So even if his friends thought he was cool to hang around with, they oftentimes assume that Engel wouldn't be comfortable going with them to places they'll be treading. And he probably won't, but he felt it would've been nice to be asked.

Now that he's shifted his career, and his responsibilities aren't as heavy as when he held a higher position at work, he decided to balance his work and his life. While his current schedule does not permit him to have a normal social life, he makes sure that during his free time on weekends, if he is invited to go out with his friends, he will.

That's what he did tonight. He went to a restaurant in Makati, then to a bar in Ortigas. Makati was fine. It wasn't as crowded as he expected. People probably didn't feel the need to go out because of the storm the previous evening. The dinner was great. He met a few new people and hung out with some good friends he haven't seen in a long time.

But when he went to Ortigas, the mood was totally different. Instead of yuppies enjoying the weekend, the bar they went to was crowded with college students looking for a cool place to hang out after partying a few hours before. The place was loud, booming with music he's never accustomed to. At that instant he felt old. Like he doesn't belong.

Engel likes to hang out. He's been to Embassy before. When Temple was still open in Greenbelt, he'd be seen there with his friends. He's even braved Decades in his lonesome. But this was the first time he really felt like a wallflower. This isn't his crowd anymore.

He's grown up. He'd rather hang out and have coffee and long talks rather than drink alcohol and dance. He actually didn't even drink beer this evening, he only had a couple of iced teas.

Then he thought, this is the life Christian lives right now. Can he go with this kind of pace if he decides to pursue something with the kid other than friendship? Does he even fit in anymore with this kind of crowd? Why the hell is he thinking of Christian right now when there are a whole gaggle of eye candies moving back and forth where he was sitting? And why does he feel he's not that young anymore? Why did he even allow himself to miss out on these things before?

At 27, Engel knows he has to start acting his age. But then again he's just making up for the things he's missed while he was too busy growing up.