50/50

About six years ago, the entire clan was in the ancestral home in the province to mourn the loss, rather celebrate the life of my family's matriarch. It was a reunion that only happens when the grandparents pass away. It was supposed to be a solemn day, but the clan is full of jesters (more like jerks) that the solemnity of the wake turned into one of the loudest gathering in the province.

Don't get me wrong, we all loved our grandmother very much. But the thing is, that was the only time that the entire family (2nd - 4th generation) was together. As you'd expect people would ask your lovelife is? What is our plan for the future? Where's the girlfriend/boyfriend? The usual interrogation questions.

When it came my turn to be questioned, a few family members said not to expect anything from me family-wise as I'm 50/50. In other words, gay.

I resented that comment. While there's a hint of truth to that, but I thought 50/50 was too much. I don't walk like a duck. I don't try out women's clothes. I don't wear make-up. I don't act in any way like the stereotyped gay person. If you ask me, I could be an 80/20. If it weren't for the fact that I sleep with men I would've been a hundred percent straight male.

I blame my mother when it comes to the way my family see me. You see, as a kid, mother would often tell the family of some of the things she noticed about me that would seem effeminate. Now family members would exaggerate that and it basically ruined my reputation.

I could only smile. The statement needs not be dignified with a response. The disappointment is obvious, but it is understandable. The clan, specially the third generation is dominated by women. So to say that our last name's endangered is actually a fact. We had two alpha male cousins, but unfortunately, they were taken away before they could spread the seeds of our family. So now, there are only 3 boys who could really keep the name afloat. My straight cousin, me and a really gay younger one. Endangered species our clan truly is.

As much as I'd like to keep the family name alive, that might need a little convincing from the other sex. It's not impossible. It's not like I hate women. I like them, specially the horny ones. But I guess it's just that it's easier to hook up with a horny man.

The parents just came back from a visiting both sides of the family. It seems everyone wants to meet the only son. Makes me wonder if they'd really like to meet me, or if the family would just like to see if I finally came out.

If they see me now, I wonder if they'd be disappointed (that I haven't come out), or they'd be hopeful (I'm still acting like a straight man)?

That could be the 50/50 question.