WHERE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

Engel realized his parent's pattern in terms of asking about his love life. Before, they usually ask him about his plans of getting married when they're alone together. During those times Engel would release his rage about them minding his business. So now, what they would do is ask about his lovelife (or lack of it) when they have visitors. That's the time that Engel has to be polite and not go berserk on the idea.

They did it again yesterday. His cousin was visiting their home from the province. As usual, the cousin would often ask him why he's still not married yet. She's just a couple of years younger, and in the province, if you're still single at Engel's age, you're already considered a loser. Makes one wonder why people from the province tend to want to settle down younger.

Anyway, so there they all were gathered in the dining room quietly eating lunch when suddenly...

COUSIN: Engel, when will you introduce us to your girlfriend?
ENGEL: I have none.
COUSIN: But why?!
ENGEL: I'm not looking.
COUSIN: Don't you have plans of getting married soon?
MOTHER: Yeah Engel's cousin, you ask my son about his plans.
ENGEL: That's not a priority right now.
COUSIN: Almost all of us have families now, and we're happy. Don't you want that for yourself?
ENGEL: At the moment, no. I like being single. And I haven't met anyone yet.
COUSIN: What about your 'kinakapatid?'
ENGEL: Which one?
MOTHER: SM. From the States.
COUSIN: Yeah, she seems pretty.
MOTHER: And she's rich and sexy and her parents really like you and...
ENGEL: she's autistic!!! she doesn't talk to people, she's afraid of the stairs and she has her own world. No.
COUSIN: I remember when you were younger, you had a girlfriend...
ENGEL: How young? In pre-school. I don't even remember Katrina's last name. The girlfriend I had in high school's already married with 2 children and she's fat.
MOTHER: What about the girl Ate Virgie was telling you to date...
ENGEL: Mama, the only thing we have in common is our hate for the way our mothers are trying to set us up with total strangers.
COUSIN: So you really aren't looking for anyone right now?
ENGEL: Like I said, not a priority.

If they only knew.

Engel hates relatives staying in their place. The decision to move out is becoming really really tempting.

WEEKEND'S FIRST 48 HOURS

Friday 1:00am: Engel wakes up after his alarm clock rang for the third time. It's snoozed twice already, and the third time is always the one that wakes him up. This was his last day working for the team he's been with since last year.

8:00am: He took his lunch. His heart was heavy, even if the day was light, he still didn't know if the day will end good or not.

9:00am: Started receiving confirmation texts from his former colleagues from a different company regarding the reunion/welcome home party for his former boss.

12:30pm: Ended his work week. Called Chicago to have reservation moved earlier because ex-boss wanted party started early due to prior commitments.

1:30pm: Last team building activity for his current team. No crying moments.

3:30pm: End of team building. Start of drinking session for the last time. All cards are dealt, no more issues between the team, and Engel reminisced on times that they were training in a different country.

5:30pm: Engel decides to leave, just a few seconds after his crush (a better looking version of Hayden Kho) arrives. Regrets moving the reservation to an earlier time

6:45pm: Receives a text message from the ex-boss whose party Engel organized, advising to cancel the whole thing because apparently she had migraine and the whole weather blaming shit. Yep, Engel was pissed off. Inconsiderate bitch!!!

7:00pm: Friends still decided to meet each other regardless the impolite move from the dumb broad (Engel is still angry if it's not obvious).

8:45pm: Thanks to the traffic and payday traffic, Engel arrived an hour and 45 minutes late to the party. His phone's battery died. It was a videoke party and somewhat reunion for all of Engel's former colleagues. It was successful, but then Engel announced that he'll no longer organize parties for 'balikbayan' ex-colleagues!

Saturday 12:00mn: Chicago party ended, alot of the former colleagues went home. The core friends of Engel decided to spend the rest of the evening at McDonald's. Fond stories from their previous jobs were shared and they all realized how much they all miss each other.

3:00am: Everyone left and only Engel and his friend Hansi were left. On their way home, they agreed to fetch Hansi's girlfriend from their team building activity in Laguna. The road trip started.

5:00am: The friends rented a private resort beside the girlfriend's place to wait for the girlfriend. Engel knows that the owners were thinking that Engel and Hansi were lovers. They were even offered to hire service from women and men in the area. They declined both.

8:00am: The girlfriend found out that the friends were stalking her. Engel and Hansi decided to get their money's worth for the halfday rent by swimming. This was Engel's first time this year to go swimming.

11:00am: Arrived in Cavite. They all decided to rest and sleep.

4:00pm: They all went to SM Molino to have dinner.

8:00pm: Engel decides to go home.

9:30pm: Finally arrived home in Parañaque. Got the mother of all scolding from the parents for not telling where he's been. They almost filed for a missing persons report when he didn't reply to all his messages.

Sunday 12:15am: Finished writing his post, but since his internet connection is seriously fucked, he wasn't able to publish it. He gave up on Globe a few minutes after and decided to go to sleep.

1:00am: Received a text message from an unknown number inviting to have fun over the phone. Engel declined as he's already sleepy. Even if he's in the mood, he does not do phone fun.

Engel loves his bed.

STALKER

Back in the haydays of Engel's active blogging on his other home, he's met dozens of people online. A few he met personally and became good friends with. There are those who gets his number and often texts him quotes. Others he chat with on YM if he's not busy or if he's not being ignored. And rarely, someone will stalk him, add him in all his social networking sites and leave creepy messages on it.

Engel's got one creepy stalker. That blogger seemed cool at first glance as he was writes some pretty cool stuff on his homepage. One time he left a comment in one of Engel's post, so as a sign good faith, he also left one on one of this blogger's post. That was one of his biggest mistakes.

A few minutes after the comment was posted, Engel received an add contact invite in his ym. It was unfamiliar, so when Engel asked who it was the blogger introduced himself. During that time, Engel didn't know alot of people in the medium so he was kind of excited to meet a new one. He entertained the blogger when asked about himself (his work, likes, things they may have in common).

And then an invite to add that person in facebook came. When Engel saw the face behind the blogger, he kind of got turned off. The blogger was definitely not his type. He dismissed the idea as he can't even give it any consideration because he was straight in his former blog. But he still entertained the blogger, new friends are always welcome.

The next day the blogger chatted with Engel again. He's mostly at home and has the luxury of time. Engel was at work back then. The common hi's and hello's were exchanged. But then this guy started sending messages about him being in heat, horny and wanting to wank himself. Engel doesn't like those kinds of messages, specially from strangers and most importantly when he's at work. So he let the blogger down.

After that, he started to ignore the guy everytime a chat invite was initiated. The blogger realizing that Engel's starting to ignore him just stopped. But since they were contacts in Facebook, anytime that Engel posts an update that's kind of dirty, the guy puts unnecessary and off comments.

The last straw was earlier this week. Engel was very busy at work when the blogger initiated another chat. He was advised of the writer's being hard at work, but the blogger was insistent, he said he was really in heat. The message was ignored, the messenger was closed and Engel removed the guy from his contacts.

He knows that he's not the only person that the blogger is harassing. When he updated his status on FB, a fellow blogger noticed that they only had 6 friends in common unlike the 7 before. He knew who Engel deleted, and said that he too was harassed by that blogger. Another friend also warned Engel about that guy, when during their ym chats, Engel enquired about the stalker because he often leaves comment on said friend.

Engel's not going to name names as he thinks some of the people who visit this blog know him. He sees the link in their blogs.

Engel does not intend to badmouth the blogger since he may not be like that with other people. It's just he's creepy.

STRAIGHT MEN TALKING

Just the other day, Engel went out with his straight friends when he got invited to a boy's night out. No girlfriends or women in the group. Just men drinking and talking. Like they used to do back when they were still working together. They know about Engel and are fine with it, so he's always invited. But that was the only time he was able to join them.

FRIEND1: Pre, yung bago kong officemate, ang ganda pre. Mukhang Sarah Geronimo na tisay. Sexy pre, tas ang ganda ng hubog (making hand gestures like the shape of a woman's boobs).
FRIEND2: Ah talaga, maganda ba si Sarah Geronimo? Parang di naman.
FRIEND1: Uy, ang sexy na kaya nun ngayon. Pero mas maganda pa rin yung officemate ko pre. (Showed a stolen picture of the girl in his phone).
FRIEND3: Pwede! Pwede!
ENGEL: Okay lang. Parang di ko naman nakikita yung Sarah Geronimo.
FRIEND2: Medyo naman, parang yung hugis ng mukha.
FRIEND3: Maalala ko, nung isang linggo si (girlfriend) bumili ng DVD ng You Changed My Life. Nakakatuwa. Kinikilig-kilig ako. Hehehe.
FRIEND1: Oo. Nakakakilig nga yun, pinanuod namin yun, diba Eng's sa Greenbelt.
ENGEL: Hahaha. Yun yung may autistic sa may sinehan. Naalala ko yan.
FRIEND2: Nakakakilig si John Lloyd! hahaha
ENGEL: Uy, nakita ko yun in person, natulala ako sa kanya, in fairness. Starstruck.
FRIEND1: Totoo ba yung chismis na sila ni Ruffa?
FRIEND3: Oo daw. May pictures daw na magkasama sila sa America yata yun.
FRIEND2: Ah talaga. Di sila bagay. Mas gusto ko sila ni Sarah Geronimo.

This went on for 20 minutes. Straight men talking about showbiz stuff. Engel tried to talk about the La Salle losing streak, but that did not last long. They talked about Marianne Rivera, then Rosalinda, and how Geoff Eigenmann is not fit to be anyone's leading man because he sounds like a retard. Engel laughed when he realized that his friends are talking about these things too seriously.

Then everyone went quiet for about a minute.

FRIEND 3: Napanuod niyo yung UFC nung isang linggo?

THE ART OF LETTING GO

Breaking up is hard. It's sad. It's difficult. It's like the end of the world. Regardless the length of any relationship, be it one day or ten years, when you decide to end it, that's got to be tough. Engel should know, he hasn't had a successful relationship in... ever. It's very hard to admit that even if we loved a person too much, that in the end he or she is still not meant to be for us.

The Wandering Commuter enumerated a number of possible outcomes of a nasty break-up. While it may seem funny, all of it is true. Unfortunately, Engel thinks that some of those things just makes things worse, specially if you're the one who got dumped. Over-eating, plotting revenge, being bitter and even getting drunk are not healthy ways to get over a break-up. Although Engel admits, moving on is a very difficult task.

Engel's been in enough break-ups in his lifetime that he's practically crafted the art of moving-on. While it is not perfect, he thinks it works. At least for him. This is how he does it:

-MOURN. Take two days, say a whole weekend to mourn the break-up. Cry. Ask the Lord, why me? Be paranoid. Find out where it all went wrong. Be alone. Be with your friends. Get emo watching comedy films. Blame your ex, blame yourself. Get angry. Just let it all out (and don't kill yourself). Exhaust all the pain that you're feeling. Don't act like you're strong. Everyone knows you're not okay. While putting up a strong face is respectable, there's nothing wrong with showing your vulnerability. It is better to release everything than keeping it all boiling inside.

-FIND YOUR SUPPORT GROUP. The Wandering Commuter calls this being a Prodigal Friend, but you need to have a support group. You need to be with people who will cheer you up. Who will tell you why your ex is wrong for you. Who will tell you how stupid you were for having a relationship with your ex. They are people who will be with you to help you let go and move on. Some might say it's being 'user-friendly', but prove them wrong. Show them you're grateful and you appreciate the support and most importantly, when you've already let go, stick with them. They helped you move on, now show them that you a genuine friend.

-THINK OF YOURSELF. The best way to make your ex think he or she was a fool letting you go is to show them that you're better off alone. If you've saved some money to buy a gift for your ex on your supposed anniversary, use it to pamper yourself. Buy new clothes. Have a facial. Use the money to enroll in a gym. Better yet, use it to go on a vacation. You're free. You don't need anyone's permission to do the things that you want to do (unless of course you're a minor). You can now flirt with the guy in the office who's been eyeing you when you were still in a relationship. You can grind with the girl with the nice hips in a club. Have fun. Life is too short to bother yourself with your ex.

-LEARN. Every failed relationship is an opportunity for you to grow. Maybe back then you were too clingy, then with the next one learn to let them go. Maybe before you were too jealous, now learn to trust more. If before they broke up with you because you mostly kept to yourself, with the next one learn to open up some more. These things prepare us so that when you finally meet the one. You are ready. You are mature. And there's no reason for anyone or anything to keep
you apart.

There was a quote Engel received from a very good friend which he keeps very dearly specially when he's broken hearted because it gives him hope. "A heartbreak is a blessing from God. It maybe a nightmare that leaves you crying in the middle of the night. But it's just God's way of letting you realize that He saved you from the wrong one."

THE TROUBLE WITH KARMA

Engel's first attempt to have a relationship with a guy was a total and utter disaster. He admits, that was his own doing. It was also the first time he realized that he's not meant to doing bad things because when he does, karma always makes sure that it bites Engel in the ass.

He was a junior in college when that happened. He hasn't been in a relationship for at least a year already by that time. Not that he was heart-broken, but there just wasn't an opportunity. By that time, he was already laid back at school. He's trusted his classmates to finish the papers for him and the only problem he had was the dumb math class that he never thought would be useful to his life outside of school. Suffice to say, during that cold February, he was already bored.

Enter Drew, his only high school friend who knew of his secret then went to him to tell about his broken heart. There was this guy he met online who hurt him bad. Engel does not remember the details, but the bottomline was Drew's date was a total ass. But then Engel knew, that the date wasn't the only ass, Drew is a much bigger ass than the date. Knowing that, Engel realized that Drew had a plan to get even with his date, and it involved Engel.

He hesitated with the plan, knowing that nothing good ever comes out of these things, but being a good friend he accepted. The plan is for Engel to introduce himself to the date, make him fall in love and then dump him harshly just like what was done to Drew. Charming the date was easy for Engel, because during that time he knew that he can attract anyone over the phone with his voice and his sensible personality (that was back then).

It all started through sms, Engel was able to charm his way to Jun, earning his trust and his home phone number. The evening he got Jun's number Engel immediately gave him a ring. They hit it off in an instant. They both found out that they had alot in common. It was a 16-hour conversation that Engel still remembers until now. They liked each other. The moment Engel put the phone down, he questioned what Drew told him about Jun. He was the exact opposite of what Engel pictured.

Their daily conversations became common. They talk to each other during the start of the day, and end the night with the phone still on their ears. This happened for weeks that Engel forgot his real mission why he introduced himself to Drew's ex-date. They've even met more than once. Even bringing him home twice.

Long story short, Engel fell for Jun big time. And he knew that the feeling is mutual.

But being young and stupid, Engel made a mistake. He told the whole truth to Jun. He didn't know what he'll get out of doing so, but he did. And that was a dumb move. Jun got furious and cut all means of communication with Engel. He told him that the reason why he didn't entertain Drew that much was because Drew was an idiot. He was shallow, unsophisticated, and outright gay. The fact that Engel played along with Drew showed him that he's not different from his friend.

Maybe he wasn't. That was his karma. But from that point on, he never did anything remotely as dumb as what he did back then. Playing games with people's hearts is a risky business. Somebody always end up losing. He had to learn that lesson the hard way.

ENGEL COLLECTS...

Engel is by any means, not rich. But being single and having not that much reason to save money for, he sets aside a certain amount of his salary for his hobbies. His collections.

He does not collect alot of things, as the ones that he currently does are quite costly. Some of it, he's only able to purchase if he has a bonus from work. Some, he begs for from his aunt in the States to send to him. But regardless of how he got those things, it always makes him smile when he sees them all together.

COMIC BOOKS: This one he has a huge collection of. He started when he was in grade school. He remembers the first one he had being GI Joe which his dad bought for him to encourage him to read. Back then, he only asks to be given titles that had pretty pictures in it. Although he liked the X-Men then, he often buys other titles just so he could brag about it to his classmates. When he got older, he realized that there is a reason, comic books have numbering in it. Stories oftentimes do not end in one issue, there are also times when a single story is not continued on the same title. That's when he started backreading older titles and following a certain comic.

He does this to detach himself from the stresses of the real world. A sort of escapism. For Engel, it's nice to read about good triumphing over evil. Of super powered beings and gods with human problems. Sometimes, he reads them because they just have really good stories. And yes, he even reads a title because there are pretty pictures too. To date, Engel's probably bought a thousand titles. And during long weekends he finds time to try to read them all.

PERFUME: This collection he got from his father. You see, When Engel was a kid, and his father was working abroad, oftentimes his dad would bring home tens of bottles of perfume. Some smelled nice, while others just look pretty. So when he graduated from grade school, as a gift from his parents he asked if could be given a bottle of RL's Polo Sport. That's how it started, he usually just asks for a bottle of anything from his favorite aunt in the States, but when he started working he decided to continue on.

Engel likes looking at his perfume cabinet. He's got about 30 different perfumes right now, alot of it are almost empty. He's grateful that his mom often brags about this collection to family members from abroad because everytime someone comes over to stay for a vacation in their house, he's often given a bottle of perfume.

Before, Engel purchases a bottle once a quarter, but when his finances got a little unstable, he stopped. Now, he only buys twice a year, when he's sure he's got enough budget to last him a month.

STAMPS: This started because he wanted to be in with his neighbors. When he was a kid, there came a time when collecting something was a cool hobby. His neighbors collected coins, pog bottle caps, model cars, and pornographic materials. His comic book collection was then small and uninteresting to his playmates, so he asked for advise from his mother.

Fortunately, his mom kept some old letters from her exes and other relatives and told Engel that stamps could be collected too. Immediately Engel took all the stamps from all the letters that his family got, bought a stamp album and brought it everywhere he went. He'd trade with other collectors, buy some from his friends and begged his classmates.

The oldest he got was a 1947 stamp from Netherlands that he had to bully out of a younger playmate.

PENS: Most of his pen collection's gone now, but he did start collecting ball point pens during his college and early working years. It started in college when the law student he was drooling over for most of his senior year left her pen on the bench where she was studying. He lied to his classmates when they caught him picking it up and putting it in his pocket. He just said he likes collecting pens. In fairness to Engel, the pen was the multi-colored one so it didn't look like just a regular pen, and him a stalker.

But he did live up with that lie. He started keeping (not stealing) fancy and expensive-looking pens that were left on tables at school. He collected those that have the name of a company, and started keeping them in a cabinet. That lie took a life of it's own and became a hobby.

It stopped when he thought it's become too ridiculous because he started buying pens that are worth hundreds of pesos. Because most of those pens stop working a week after his purchase.

Right now, Engel wants to collect snow globes from his travels. He's only been to one country outside of the Philippines, but if given the opportunity, he'd continue doing that.

Care to share, Engel's dear readers what you collect?

DO THEY KNOW?

Engel was browsing through other people's online journal when he chanced upon a regular read's latest post. Something about discovering their worst kept secrets (from hiding porn in the computer or condoms in jacket pockets). It made him realize that just like that blogger, Engel too is sloppy in terms of hiding taboo stuff.

Now he's wondering if his parents or if other people have already found out about what he's been keeping inside his room.

Engel is close to his parents, they talk to him about everything that's been going on in their life, their neighbor's life, and even about the life of people he doesn't even know. But unfortunately, Engel is not the same about his. He knows that his parents already have an inkling about his preference, but until he tells them, or they ask him directly, they'll just leave it as it is.

As mentioned above, he's sloppy with regard to leaving evidence in his room. You'd find condom packs in his perfume closet, his wardrobe, in his clutch bag. His porn is hidden in plain sight, and his cd collection is scattered all around his room, you just know where to look.

It's actually a miracle his father hasn't approached him yet about any of those stuff. He's pretty sure at one point, he'd have found out about some of those things.

They've commented about Engel being 50/50 before, so they probably know. Is it just respect? Denial? Their only son is not even really a son.

He has no plans of coming out. Engel's not even sure if he's going to go through an alternate lifestyle. He still thinks of having a family. Children. The whole nine yards.

But will he be able to, when all the things that makes him who he is, is just lying around his room.

QUESTIONS

Engel is thinking of something to post under 30 minutes before he starts his work. So he thought to ask a few questions. Some of the answers will help him out in dealing with thed dilemmas in his life:

-What should he do regarding this guy he dated who's been nagging him to sleep with him? He's not feeling the guy, specially after he realized that he only really wanted to get laid and not get into something else?

-There is a slight chance that the move to the new Operating Unit from where he works may not be given to him: how should he take that in when he's already psyched himself up for the upcoming changes?

-Engel will do something like a double-shift from his work today til tomorrow, what should he do to keep himself awake the entire time?!

-Where in the world can Engel find decent people to date these days?!

Don't take this as Engel feeling down again, he just wanted to post something before he starts work today. But he will try to make up later?

Please help him out though!!!

MOVING OUT

Engel is seriously considering finally moving out of his family's home. The parents have been nagging about moving to the province and selling the house to his grandmother in the States. The mother actually even paid her cousin the downpayment for the lot in the province.

So now he's thinking of leaving before the sale happens. He's already moved out before when his job demanded him to stay in a different city farther from where he lived. The move back then was fun for Engel, because of the freedom he had. And he lived with people he liked and was comfortable with. And now he's thinking of moving out again.

He's thinking of a small apartment or a room that's near where he works in Makati. But he still needs to see if that would be feasible given his schedule starting next month. Travelling from Parañaque to Makati in the afternoon is usually a pain in the ass. Much worse if it's early in the evening, so living closer to his office would be an advantage.

Living solo has it's perks, and he knows that very well. He enjoyed the freedom he had two years ago when he was away from the prying eyes of his family. No parents that will be barking orders or chores he does not want to do. He will be away from visiting families enquiring why he still has no family yet.

Although he feels a bit anxious as the move will be different from before. He's not moving in with his friends, he'll be alone this time and there's no guarantee that he'd be fine living independently.

He thinks he's being paid fine by the company he's working for, and the changes with his career that'll be coming would also guarantee him a few more pesos to his salary that may be enough to pay for rent (if he then decides to pursue with the move).

Engel is still weighing things with his job and his life. The decision may not even be made before the year ends. He might even decide to not move at all. He just wants to have options as early as now.

Options are always welcome.

SEMBLANCE OF NORMALCY

Engel noticed that his past posts have given his readers the impression that he's somewhat sad or depressed with what is currently happening with his life. That's not really the case. Engel writes those posts to just be reminded of lessons he's learned and share his experiences, but not to give off the idea that the guy's a lonely pathetice single guy. Because he's not. Well, he's single, but not lonely and pathetic.

Anyway, Engel thought that for this post, he'd keep it very light. Write as he usually does, in his old home. Some semblance of who he was.

Engel's 27, so most of his formative years were spent during the 90's. He has alot of memories from that time. He's sure most of the people who stumbles upon this blog is in the same age bracket as the writer, so you could relate.

So let's walk down memory lane, shall we. In the 90's...

• you danced to the tune of macarena, how gee, always, the aringkingking song, tootsie roll, extasi extano, angelina, hot stepper, 100% pure love, ragamuffin girl and mr. boombastic.
• there was only one film outfit that does indie films, Seiko!
• grade school boys often brag about the most popular porn film they've seen, Taboo.
• your gay classmates often fight about which female character from Gimik or TGIS they can identify with.
• you sang and you know the gestures of The Jubilee Song and Tell The World of His Love.
• you were watching Nickelodeon on PTV4 when the earthquake happened, and almost played outside when ashes fell during the Mt. Pinatubo eruption, thinking it was finally snowing in the country.
• Gretchen Barretto, Kring Kring Gonzales, Rita Avila and Jestoni Alarcon are becoming yesterday's sexy stars and are replaced by Rosanna Roces, Rita Magdalena, Priscilla Almeda and Leandro Baldemor.
• you were glued to Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place, and towards the end of the decade, Dawson's Creek.
• Misses Belgium, Venezuela, Thailand and Australia were your bets to win when the Ms. Universe Pageant was held here in the Philippines.
• obesity is not a common thing for children because all of them know how to play, Block 123, Monkey Monkey, Patintero, Syato, Langit Lupa, Taguan, Chinese Garter, Piko, Dr. Quack Quack.
• you watched Mr. Bogus, Twinkle the Dream Being, Tiny Toons, Ren & Stimpy, Rugrats, Ranma 1/2, Ghost Fighters, Sailor Moon, Magic Knight Rayearth, Dragonball Z, Princess Sarah, Cedie, Dog of Flanders, Remy, Julio at Julia, Peter Pan, Mary at ang Lihim na Hardin and Trapp Family Singers.
• you have heard of or read RL Stine's Fear Street, Christopher Pike, Sweet Valley High, Choose Your Own Adventure, and Sweet Dreams books.
• prom night songs consist of King & Queen of Hearts, Got To Believe In Magic, Ocean Deep, My Heart Will Go On, Sukiyaki and My All.
• your school newspaper's editorial team devoted an entire day debating who's better, Britney or Christina, Spice Girls or All Saints, and Backstreet Boys or Boyzone.
• your female busmates have let you sign their slambook, complete with your phone number, favorite stuffs, dream date and goal in life.

What did you do during the 90's?

TYRANNY OF REASONABLE VOICES

Mistakes you make can always be worked out. The mistakes you don't make because you do nothing, because you don't try, you don't risk. Those are the ones that haunt you when you get old.

Engel just wants to share with his dear readers, a quote he read earlier when he was trying to get himself to sleep. But then he realized that this applies to what happened to him yesterday.

On his way to work, he got to wait for a shuttle with this hot geeky yuppy. Engel's semi-autistic, specially when he's got his music plugged in, but he did notice the yuppy looking at him. So he stared back.

The yuppy asked for the time, which Engel responded to. Engel went back to listening to Snow Patrol, when the yuppy asked something again. Engel pulled out the earphones.

"Where are you off to?" the yuppy asked.

"Work. You?" Engel asked.

"Just got out of it. I'm on my way home."

"Ahh. You taking the fx? You could join me." Engel invited.

"Okay. I'm just off a few blocks from here though. But you can come with me." the yuppy said.

He took a look at the yuppy again. He was really hot. Tan, chinky eyes. He actually looks like a model. He wanted to say yes, but...

"I'm sorry, I really have to go to work tonight, I'm actually already late."

Then the yuppy got off. Engel didn't even get the number. He's now beating himself up letting an opportunity like that pass him by. He normally doesn't pass up on those kind of things.

But then again, if he did join the cute yuppy, he could've been awarded with great sex and a warning at work for being late on a critical work month.

He's still beating himself up senseless though.

Stupid.

ENGEL LIKES...

The past two posts seem to have been heavy and emo. And some of his revelations came in chunks when he said he'd only tell about him in bits and pieces. Engel did not intend to sound like that when he moved to this new blog, so he decided to keep this one light.

He's happy that people are commenting on his blog but to clear things up, his life isn't sad. He may not have the friends he's looking for, but the ones he has, makes him happy. =)

Anyway, so here are some things Engel likes:

Engel likes to listen to great obscure music. He likes popular music, if it's easy to listen to or if it has great lyrics, but he doesn't follow anymore. He gets some songs from television shows or movies, and downloads it to his mp3 player. Oftentimes he'd replay one song the whole day if he really really likes it. Right now the song he's fond of is Cry Baby by the Dukes of Daville.

He sings during his commute to work or home. This often gives him weird looks from people that sit beside, in front or behind him.

He's a weird one, Engel.

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Engel is a video game addict. There are times he'd rather play the newest game available for his console than hang out with his friends. He's not anti-social. On the contrary, he actually uses this sometimes to get people to befriend him. Maybe that's the reason why he has more straight friends than the not-so-straight kind of men.

He likes playing action games. Shooters. RPG. But he does have some sports title in his library. While he doesn't play any of it, he purchases some purely for socializing purposes.

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Travelling often makes Engel happy. Specially if he likes the people he's with. It is easy to get him to say yes to go anywhere. In the local vernacular, he's considered 'kaladkarin'. He always join his friends for food trips outside the city. Or to go karting in Enchanted Kingdom.

He's not a beach person though. He likes going there if it's just to ogle at people.

The thing though 'bout Engel is that you can't invite him to go out on a Sunday. If you did manage to do so, he must really, really like you.

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Engel's been exposed to fictional books since he was a kid. While he does not have a vast library of books, he does like to read. While truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, he'd rather read of made up stories than non-fiction books. He always thought those kinds of things are much more appreciated seen than read.

He loves reading historical fiction, or spy stories or something with a smart lead character. He does not believe that a simple housewife can be involved in a government conspiracy no matter how convincing the idea is. And he can't tolerate romance novels. Nicholas Sparks and Danielle Steel are meant to be read by women and not men (straight or otherwise).

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That's enough for now.

CEDRIC: THE GOOD-TIME GUY

At one point in one's life, you'll meet someone with whom you'll have nothing more but a good time. The good-time guy.

Engel's was Cedric. The officemate. Good-looking. He was not tall at all, but still he had this charm that would make anyone swoon. He's not that smart, you're not going to make a decent conversation with the guy. But that actually didn't matter, because whenever Engel was with Cedric, it was often just an all-out makeout session.

Cedric never actually made an impression on Engel, because during that time, the author was busy considering life outside of the company he's working for. He was about to resign from his job as the operations supervisor. Cedric then was only a transferee from a different account, a problem child that was considered for termination by his former boss. Engel's account then was in need of manpower, so regardless of the newbie's history, he took him in.

One day Engel received an SMS from an unknown number thanking him for everything he did. Cedric introduced himself, and he was acknowledged. What surprised him though when the last message was an offer by Cedric to give his services. A sexual favor in return for what Engel did.

Who was Engel to decline an offer from a good-looking kid willing to give his body as thanks. So he went out on a date with Cedric. And then the good time started.

The couple can't get their hands off each other. They make out whenever they're alone.. In the production floor. In the comfort room. The sleeping quarters. Engel's apartment. Cedric's room. Pre shift. After office hours. In the middle of the working day. Sometimes Engel will pull Ced out of production, bring him to his apartment, and just do the deed with him.

That lasted for a month. He realized he really don't know the kid. Yeah, the foreplay was fun. The sex was even better. But he didn't really know the guy. And when he does try to get to know Cedric, it almost always end up with the two fighting. They have absolutely nothing in common.
In the end, he found out that Ced's actually already married. And he's got another guy on the side.

Cedric was just a good-time guy, and Engel is looking for a keeper.

They broke up on their first monthsary.

THE STRAIGHT PATH

Engel's been hanging out with straight groups since he realized that having friends is important in life. His entire life, he's only had 1 friend who is like him. And he doesn't get to talk to him very much anymore.

He's tried reaching out to other people like him, but then he finds out that the people that he meets have a different agenda than the sincerity that he's looking for. And with the others that he meets, they'd rather find people who's like them. Hot. Shallow.

So he goes back to his straight friends. Who's starting to have families now. Alot of them knows about the real Engel. And they accept him. And he's grateful for that. But then again, whenever he's with them, he still can't be him. He still has to follow the straight path.

He knows he needs to meet more people like him. He needs to hang out with people where he could be himself. He knows sometimes he has to veer away from the straight path. He might know himself better that way.

The straight path. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It just doesn't seem all right.

UGH: BALLAD OF THE FAT BASTARD

WARNING: Explicit content. Author is pissed off.

Engel is a patient man. His thread of patience is very long. But when it comes to incompetence (specially if the incompetence is from a superior), the thread of patience goes poof. Byebye. Non-existent.

He is a diligent employee. He volunteers for overtime work. He could even go for a seven-day work week because he knows that the hardwork is more than compensated. But when his diligence is abused... fuck, he'll blog about it (for now he'll just wait come time for the boss' evaluation).

So where to start? How about how the guy is such a dumbass. The hiring process for Leaders in this good company Engel is working for is starting to get doubtful They're really strict when choosing which people to hire for rank and file, but when hiring competent people to lead their teams, they miss big time. BIG TIME!!! The team's had a change of leadership twice this year. The first one was because the leader didn't know how to handle his people, while the new one (the boss now) doesn't know anything at all.

The effing retard makes simple thing complicated. He has to be reminded multiple times to do his job right. He talks too much, but does not follow through with action, in short what comes out of his mouth are full and utter crap. He always sleeps on the floor. Oh, and he's tactless too (he lambasts gay people in front of my lesbian colleague). Nobody in the office likes him. Incompetent. Inconsistent. Insufferable.

On the bright side, there are things (no matter how trivial) Engel is thankful for having an idiot lead the team. Because he is what he is: 1) the team became efficient because no one wanted to ask him questions. They only ask each other. 2) Engel learned to be punctual. Not that he's late, but now he only comes to work 5 minutes before the start of the day, because he doesn't want to talk to the boss when he comes in early. 3) The team improved on their stealth skills and creativity to avoid having to hang out with the boss during break times. 4) The once broken team, finally became united. They finally found one thing in common. They all hated the fat bastard!!!

Okay. Inhale. Exhale.

Engel is good now.

TIMING

Everytime I'm out on a "don't-expect-to-get-laid" date, I always encounter the aggressors. People who look at me like they want to sleep with me.

Guys who check me out while on the line in the cinema.

Women from the other table who bite their lips when staring at me while dining in a restaurant.

Then there's the guy who showed me his peeper inside the john.

It could be just me. Or it could be that someone up there is telling me to stop dating when I know I'm not going to sleep with my date. Or I'm just too horny. I don't know.

Just a thought.

THE TRUTH ABOUT JOY

The last post could be considered a major reveal, as Engel doesn't normally out himself in a public medium, even if nobody reads this blog. Anyway since the momentum is already there, he thought to just go on with the flow and peel a little more into the person that is Engel.

Since technically, the truth about Engel was only disclosed the day before, the thought of dumping everything to just get it out of the system seemed attractive. But then again that defeats the purpose of telling all in bits and in time. So for now, Engel decided to just share one bit of information for this post.

Back in the heyday of the other blog, Engel posted one of his great loves. It didn't really work out (heck it didn't even start at all).

The supposed love interest is Joy. Engel's biggest crush. The love of his life. The person who he'll move the sun and stars just to be with. The one person he could never say no to. The person who broke his heart. Even if he's already written a goodbye letter to, still found it very difficult to move on from.

Engel fell hard for Joy. As in really hard. The thing about Joy though, is that Joy's a guy. And he's straight. And yes, his real name is Joy.

The reason for writing this now is to just tell the story. The feeling for Joy is no longer the same as compared to a few years ago. The two are currently enjoying a platonic relationship. More than just friendship, what they have now is a brotherhood.

2005 was when Engel first met Joy. The former was a Team Lead, while the latter a newbie. The attraction was instant as the new hire had everything the Team Lead wanted. Stunning good looks. A great attitude. A body to die for. A natural and public sweetness. And the newbie's trust in his superior.

Even if Joy did not go to Engel's team, the padwan often sought help from Engel. The help was often repaid in kind. Joy during his breaks would sit beside the Team Lead to talk about books and alot of nonsense.

The closeness was often looked at negatively by alot of the gay people in the office. Jealousy maybe. But alot of people can't take that the guy that alot of them has a crush on, always hang out with the guy who's hiding in the closet.

The friendship bloomed, but destiny it seems does not want the two to stay together. Joy requested to be transferred to a dayshift account.

Engel was crushed when the request to be moved was accepted, for that meant that he won't see his new best friend anymore. Not even St. Jude was able to help out with Engel's plea for him to stay.

But having already a connection, the move actually strengthened the friendship between the two. They started hanging out, watching movies together. Having coffee dates. Unending chains of text exchanges and late night phone calls. It even grew deeper when Joy's relationship with his long-time girlfriend ended. Engel was his go-to guy for support and was with him throughout most of the endeavour. The selfless act was again repaid, this time a message of love from the guy who now treats him as his brother.

It took Joy a long-time, a few pounds, and alot of therapy to finally move on. And when he did, Engel felt a little bit left out. Fearing his best friend was slipping away, he did the stupidest thing. He outed himself and declared his love to Joy.

Feeling betrayed, Joy started to drift away.

It took almost two years before Engel was able to move on from Joy. Alot of sleepless nights were spent thinking how things could've been if he only kept his mouth shut. He could've kept the friendship that he really treasured. A lot of tears were shed, and for a time his journal was full of emo-ness because of what happened.

Just as soon as he finally decided to close the Joy chapter of his life. A few weeks later the guy came back and re-entered Engel's life. It happened when Engel suggested that Joy date one of his best friends. It didn't work out (that's another story). But the good thing that came out of that fiasco is that the two reconnected.

The failed courting resulted in another bout of depression for Joy, and as the guy who introduced the two, Engel felt guilty and took it upon himself to help out his old friend. This lead to the two rekindling the old times. Out-of-town coffee trips. Hanging out. Late night phone calls. Unending text exchanges. Midnight instant messaging and public display of sweetness are constant again.

For a time, Engel was afraid that the craziness might come back. But it seems that time has already healed the wounds. He did move on. The feelings that were there before was gone. He accepted that everything that Joy is showing him is because the guy is naturally a gentleman and not because of anything else. He now is genuinely just Joy's friend. No, his brother.

The story is being told now, not because Engel is slowly falling for Joy again. That's far from it. He's learned his lesson. Upon starting this blog, he told himself that the purpose of his new home is to tell everything. And to tell the truth.

Engel is not in love with Joy anymore. He has accepted the fact that they are not meant to be. He is just thankful that they are still friends and this time it's for keeps.

50/50

About six years ago, the entire clan was in the ancestral home in the province to mourn the loss, rather celebrate the life of my family's matriarch. It was a reunion that only happens when the grandparents pass away. It was supposed to be a solemn day, but the clan is full of jesters (more like jerks) that the solemnity of the wake turned into one of the loudest gathering in the province.

Don't get me wrong, we all loved our grandmother very much. But the thing is, that was the only time that the entire family (2nd - 4th generation) was together. As you'd expect people would ask your lovelife is? What is our plan for the future? Where's the girlfriend/boyfriend? The usual interrogation questions.

When it came my turn to be questioned, a few family members said not to expect anything from me family-wise as I'm 50/50. In other words, gay.

I resented that comment. While there's a hint of truth to that, but I thought 50/50 was too much. I don't walk like a duck. I don't try out women's clothes. I don't wear make-up. I don't act in any way like the stereotyped gay person. If you ask me, I could be an 80/20. If it weren't for the fact that I sleep with men I would've been a hundred percent straight male.

I blame my mother when it comes to the way my family see me. You see, as a kid, mother would often tell the family of some of the things she noticed about me that would seem effeminate. Now family members would exaggerate that and it basically ruined my reputation.

I could only smile. The statement needs not be dignified with a response. The disappointment is obvious, but it is understandable. The clan, specially the third generation is dominated by women. So to say that our last name's endangered is actually a fact. We had two alpha male cousins, but unfortunately, they were taken away before they could spread the seeds of our family. So now, there are only 3 boys who could really keep the name afloat. My straight cousin, me and a really gay younger one. Endangered species our clan truly is.

As much as I'd like to keep the family name alive, that might need a little convincing from the other sex. It's not impossible. It's not like I hate women. I like them, specially the horny ones. But I guess it's just that it's easier to hook up with a horny man.

The parents just came back from a visiting both sides of the family. It seems everyone wants to meet the only son. Makes me wonder if they'd really like to meet me, or if the family would just like to see if I finally came out.

If they see me now, I wonder if they'd be disappointed (that I haven't come out), or they'd be hopeful (I'm still acting like a straight man)?

That could be the 50/50 question.

25 BITS ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Engel's actually written 48 bits about himself. 24 from his account on facebook, and another 24 from his old blog. He's actually a semi-narcissist who likes himself more than anything else. This was actually from one of those tags that became a fad a few months ago. Engel thought as a third post, he'd like to reveal a few things about himself here...

1. At age of 8 Engel fell off a cliff in Cavite. The fall caused some scars on his face which fortunately disappeared as he grew older.
2. Engel's all time favorite perfume scent is Ralph Lauren's Polo Black.
3. Engel believes the ghost of his dead cousin often visits him in his room.
4. He has a niece who's in showbusiness. She's not a big star yet, but she has the looks and the attitude of a true diva. Probably when she grows up.
   
5. While he's not really updated with current and world events, Engel's pretty much informed in terms of pop culture.
6. At age 27, Engel still hasn't voted. Ergo, he doesn't complain about corruption in the country. He does not have the right to do so... yet.
7. He'd rather die than admit that he liked the John Lloyd and Sarah Geronimo films. He's now gasping for air... Urk..
8. Engel one time deliberately ate seafood (which he's allergic to) to be absent from work.
9. When Engel was little, he studied guitar, piano and flute playing. He did not retain any of the things he learned then now.
10. Only a few people call him Engel, but that is a part of his name. He'd rather not say now though. In bits and in time...
11. The last time he went to church on a Sunday was in the year 2004.
12. He often wonders why extras on Philippine television shows often wear make up even if they're just eating in a cafeteria.
13. Engel likes to listen to women talking girly stuff (and by girly stuff, he means the naughty stuff).
14. Engel is close to opening a twitter account. But he promised himself that Twitter is the only popular crap he'd never join.
15. In facebook, except for the ABS-CBN news reporters/anchors, he knows every last one of his FB friends.
16. Engel believes in destiny. Soulmates. Love at first sight. That's why he's still single. He knows the wait will be worth it. Yeah, he got that from a text quote.
17. It took Engel 8 attempts to see Love Actually. He now finds it one of the most delightful surprises in filmmaking. It's cheesy, but he likes it.
18. In terms of handwriting, Engel has the smallest in the world in his opinion.
    
19. Engel is 70/30. He'll write about it, one of these days.
20. If ever he gets married (and that's a big if), he already decided what names he will give his children.
21. Embarassing, but he cried while watching Marley and Me. He gets so emotional whenever animals get hurt in movies. He almost cried while watching Bolt (of all films!!!).
22. Rehabilitated, Engel was once addicted to Restaurant City, and Pet Society in Facebook.
    
23. He hates eating apples and any hard fruits because he has small teeth. And it hurts biting into an apple or any fruit like that.
24. Engel is not rich, but he buys gadgets that sometimes he does not need.
25. While watching SNN, Engel wonders what's with the nation's interest in anything Kris Aquino?

So there you go, 25 bits about Engel.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH WATCHING A MOVIE ALONE

I was thinking of what to write earlier when I woke up. My first post was about why blog here, so I thought that the second post should be to introduce myself. But then I thought who would even read this anyway?! So I thought I'd just be the old me, just give those people who stumbled here a taste of who I was. Like I said, I'll tell everything about myself here in bits and pieces. Hopefully, that'll help you get to know me a little better.

Okay, so how about I start with this: I like watching movies alone.

I don't really see anything wrong with watching films in my lonesome. I understand the film better. I don't have to be composed when I'm with someone. I mean I can slouch if I want to and do some other stuff, but more on that later on.

Come on, the only perk of watching a movie with someone is that you could hold hands with your date or if you're really lucky, makeout when you're watching a film. But I think that's it, that's why I like watching movies alone.

So, it's better to watch a movie alone because:

1. YOU CAN CONCENTRATE ON THE MOVIE ITSELF. There's no annoying person who asks what happened while they were peeing. No one asking you to kiss him/her while the good parts of the film is showing. I mean if you just want to make out, get a room, and don't go to the cinemas.
2. YOU CAN SIT ANYWHERE YOU LIKE. This is really good specially if you're watching a movie that everyone else want to see. You can sit on solo empty seats and not worry that you won't be seated with your friends. And it's worse when you go to see the first full show, but the available seat is only on the last full screening (this is obviously just an exaggeration but you know what I mean).
3. YOU CAN FLIRT WITH THE GUY/GIRL ON THE OTHER AISLE. If you're the type who scour the cinema to find a potential date. I'm not like that. But if you are, you won't be able to do so because you're on a date or you're scared that your friends will tease you. You're on your lonesome, you can do whatever you want.
4. LESS EXPENSIVE. You can do whatever you want to do before or after the movie. When you're with someone you'll be forced to eat first, then have coffee after the movie. You'd sometimes be forced to treat your friend/date to see the film.

The way I see it, it doesn't matter if people see it as a loser-y thing to do. I like watching movies alone. But it does not also say that I'd rather watch it alone than with someone. It's nice having to feel the awkward moment of deciding to hold your date's hand. I'm just saying there really is nothing wrong with watching a movie alone.

INTRO

A legion of new blogs have emerged the past few years and it doesn't seem to be slowing down anytime soon. Engel didn't think he'd be joining the craze too. But the thing about him though is that he's not really a newbie in this medium. Quite the opposite, actually.

Engel is a blogger who created this new home because he wanted to write things that he can't with his other home. While he really wasn't a popular writer, his other home has been known to people that's close to him.

Then why create a new blog though?

Well, sometimes Engel does not like stuff about his life, and it sucks that he can't write about it. This will be the medium for him to do so. He's itching to write about his intolerable boss. His user-friendly friend. Creepy blog stalkers. Those irritating local telemarketers. And the truth behind some of his lies.

But don't get him wrong. This is not a rant blog. Engel has a good life. A great job. A loving family. A handful of awesome friends and a positive attitude in life. He just wanted to write all things without inhibitions. Without worrying that the people he knows would think of him differently.

Because you see... Only a few people know Engel truly.

And this is where he tells all who he truly is and what he really thinks.

Engel is...

Just because this is where Engel tells all, doesn't necessarily mean that he'd tell all in just one post.

So welcome to Engel's blog.