ENGEL IN REAL LIFE

A few days ago, I wrote in one of my posts that sometimes a blogger isn't necessarily the person he writes himself to be. You see writers (specially if he or she is a very good one) know how to twist or exaggerate some facts about themselves to make them sound more likeable. Giving off a different impression to their readers that are far from who they really are in real life.

I'm not sure what kind of impression I'm giving off with my posts but let me tell you, some of them may not be true. I'll tell you what kind of person Engel really is. Engel in real life.

QUIET. Believe it or not, I am a quiet guy. I'm more of a listener than a talker. Maybe because I'm not that good of a storyteller. I could tell you the most exciting thing that happened in my life, and I won't fail to make you feel bored. I don't know. Ask me to write that story and I'll be able to make it look more alive and colorful, but I'm not that good in telling it. There are people who're born like that I guess. But. And that's a big but. Once you get to know me better or if we have something in common, that would make me talk more. I really have alot to say, I guess it just depends if I know the person will be interested in it or not.

SUPLADO. I'll outright say it. I am a snob. Really. I'm kidding. That's the perception about me because first of all I'm quiet. And I often look serious. I do know how to smile, and I'm mighty approachable. But the thing is, deep down I'm really a shy person. I'm an introvert, and people tend to misinterpret that into being a snob. I guess I just don't like to make the first move. Maybe I'm afraid to get turned down when I try to talk to someone.

FEELING GWAPO. Engel would like to think he's good-looking. Confidence within could be felt outside. I know I tell stories of people who get attracted to me, which I turn down (even if I know I'll never end up with anyone as good looking as they were), they're true by the way, but I'm not that attractive. Maybe a little. Probably if I weigh less. Definitely if I decide to pamper myself more. I'm not vain and I like to keep my life uncomplicated, and if people see that as me not caring for myself. I don't really care. I'm smart.

NICE GUY. I am and I'm proud of that. Even if sometimes that means people get to push me over. I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. And I'm 27. If by now I don't know how to understand and cope with people's different personalities, I'll never learn. But like I said, I'm a nice guy. I am generous to my friends or to people I'd like to become friends with. I give way to other people in lines, in almost anything (unless it's related with money). I share my things, my food, my clothes, sometimes cash (but I don't lend more than 100 bucks to people unless I trust that person).

NAUGHTY. Call him what you want, but Engel's still a man. I sometimes let my disco stick do the thinking. I'm sometimes weak. Nuff said.

That's me in real life.

AFTER THE STORM...

• I appreciated the sun even more.
• I am grateful that I live in an area where flood is a rare event.
• I thanked God for telling me to go home right after work last Saturday instead of staying in Makati and meeting my friend. I probably would've been stranded and sick.
• I realized that there are showbiz personalities who are more than just pretty faces.
• I appreciated being a Filipino seeing alot of nameless heroes trying their best to help out the victims of this unexpected calamity.

The past weekend was something nobody expected. Homes were destroyed. Lives lost. The entire metro was submerged in mud and floodwater. Some thought that it was the beginning of the end of the world.

I was sick for most of the day and did not realize the gravity of the situation until I turned on the television and saw how bad the rain was. A month's worth of falling water in the span of a few hours. Someone's mightily pissed off up there, that's what I thought.

Yesterday, thankfully the storm left the country. And just as the sun emerged, so did the heroes. On tv, you could see videos of men and women risking their lives to save relatives, neighbors, friends and strangers. Famous showbiz personalities calling out to their endorsers to donate what they have to help out victims of the deluge. And just like when Mt. Pinatubo erupted, when the earthquake hit the country, when Estrada was ousted, and when former Pres. Aquino was buried, the country was once again united.

Blame is being thrown at the government for it's unpreparedness and slow action during the calamity. But in my opinion, no one is to be blamed for this tragedy. Every once in awhile, mother nature does things to remind us we need to take care of our environment. We shouldn't throw our garbage on rivers, maintain our drainage systems. We shouldn't rely too much on the government things that we ourselves can do.

We learn our lessons in calamities like this, but then again we tend to forget the morals learned from these situations. I guess the challenge here really is to remember the lessons we learned from all of this and to not let this happen again.

After the storm, I knew that alot shall be written about this ordeal. But I thought that not everything posted about it should be sad or gloomy or tragic. Like with everything else, this too shall pass.

CLASS PICTURE

A couple of days ago, Engel found something that made his heart skip a beat. He uncovered a treasure he lost a few years ago. He found his class pictures again. Memories of his childhood and his youth resurfaced and it was great.

The pictures are still intact and in good condition, just as he last remembers it. Pictures from his pre-school to about his third year in college. So now, Engel is in reminiscing mode. But this post wouldn't be recounting his high school college or grade school days. That's been done by everyone and he doesn't really have that many stories to tell. School days were boring as he was a good boy back then (well, except for college).

Seeing the younger version of himself and his classmates made him remember all of his friends back then. If you've been reading since the beginning of his blog, you'd know Engel kept only one friend from his youth and most of his friends are the ones he met from his professional life.

He wonders now what's happened to those people he was buddies with back then. Facebook's alot of help in keeping up with those people, but a reunion would really be nicer.

MIKKO (bff from 1st grade and all throughout primary school)
Engel's first friend when he entered the all boy's school. He was rich, came from a huge family and was one of the cool kids. Looking back, they never really had much in common, they only became friends because they're always next to each other (seating arrangements usually follow the alphabetical order). Friendship sort of ended because of (surprise) a girl. Engel did not crush on Mikko's girl, but he did doubt Mikko's chances to be that girl's beau. And for a friend looking for support, that wasn't necessarily a good move.

RAMON (from 4th grade - 2nd year high school)
Ramon was the friend that slowly turned Engel to the geek that he is. He was the smartest kid in school so that was great. They often talk about X-Men the Animated Series and The Simpsons and Ghostbusters. Engel would often borrow Ramon's Archie and Tin Tin comics, and in turn Engel usually lends his RL Stine Fear Street and Christopher Pike novels to the other. Friendship slowly died in high school when Ramon transferred to a school for smarter kids. He's a doctor now in the US, by the way.

ALEKHINE (bff in pre-school)
This kid was a loser in pre-school. He was cool, had the neat toys, but was sort of a loner. Who knew pre-school kids would have that, right. They became close because Khine was the son of Engel's pediatrician. He was actually the kid who gave Engel one of the best gifts he received during his 7th birthday (which was stolen by a distant relative a few hours later). Engel stalks the guy every now and then as he turned out to be a really gorgeous guy. Yeah, Engel's creepy.

MOSES (from grade school to high school)
They weren't really bff's because they don't have anything in common. But they were close. In grade school, they worshipped the devil, played grab each other's balls and he mostly kicked Engel's ass. In high school, before he became one of the cool guys, they often hang out with each other to talk about rich kid stuff (which Engel knew very little of, but was a very good listener). Engel got disappointed when he found out Moses hooked up with his gay classmate. Anyway, now he's a professional poker player with a kinda pretty girlfriend. Apparently though, nothing happened between them, so Engel still has the distinction of having grabbed Moses' junior when they were still in grade school!!!

DARWIN (best friend in 3rd and 4th grade)
During his school days, Engel often attracted the school loners. Darwin was one of them. That may be because they were two of the very few people in class who got in the children's choir. Darwin was a rich kid and even as a kid, was very attractive. If Engel recalls correctly, Darwin may have been Engel's first male crush. Anyway, Darwin was often victim of his classmates stealing his stuff. And to make matters worse, his mother got into a very scandalous feud with one of their classmate's mother. So after 4th grade, Darwin transferred to a new school. Engel wonders now how he grew up to be.

There's actually alot more. There's the taekwondo player, the ugly duckling, Engel's high school crush, his nerdy cliques (who mostly grew up to be hunks), the emo high school cliques and his gay friend. But maybe some other time.

Engel's sick today and he really would like to take advantage of the sleep-conducive weather. Fever and insomnia's making things miserable for him right now though.

BLOG OBSERVATIONS

Although Engel's been in the blogosphere for more than three years now, it's only lately that he's really visited online journals of people like him. While he did follow a number of gay blogs in the past, he was mostly approached or was befriended by the straight crowd.

You see in the past, when Engel clicked on a blog owned by a queer guy, what popped up immediately were pictures of naked men. Now he wouldn't have that because he only had access to the internet at work. And as a person of position in the past, he can't risk having his rep stained. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but he's already known as a manly man.

He only found a few noteworthy "queer" blogs. He didn't really look that much before because he did meet some cool people. Straight, yet interesting nonetheless.

But now that he's fully immersed himself as an out-of-the-closet blogger (although he's yet to reveal his other persona), he thinks it's high time to write what he's observed about this side of the blogosphere.

EMO MUCH
Not since he read a female's blog has he read aLOT of emo posts. As much as possible he tries to avoid emo posts as he finds it contagious, but then it's usually a trend. One blogger writes an emo post today, then it'll be followed by five others tomorrow. Boo hoo, I'm single. My crush turned out to be straight. My partner and I broke up, we made up again, and then we'll break up again tomorrow. I'll end up alone huhuhu. Oh wait, that's me. But sometimes it's just too much. There are even those who don't even seem to post anything other than depressing stories. Engel does not dislike them, he understands that sometimes blogs are created so that a person can air out his problems. But if the only thing you're doing about the problem is writing about it, then that's just not right.

SEXY MUCH
Straight men don't write about their sexploits often. Carrie Bradshaw is a fictional character, who disappointingly is not prevalent among female bloggers. But gay writers can't seem to stop talking about sex. Not that it's wrong. Engel sometimes touches himself while reading other blogger's sexual exploits. Now Engel's said that he created this blog so he can write without inhibitions, but it's highly doubtful he'll ever post his adventures in detail. Not because he's not getting any, but because he just can't. He's totally fine reading these posts, this is just his observation.

OCEAN DEEP
While alot of queer writers tend to be shallow, there are more than are deep. As in 'ocean deep'. Honestly, sometimes Engel comments for the sake of writing one, but truthfully, he understood nothing of what he read. Oftentimes he'd not even worry about commenting at all. One time, a blog was too deep, it took Engel a couple of readthroughs before he realized that the writer posted about his most recent sexploit. What's up with that? He's fine reading highfaluting words, he knows how to navigate webster.com. Of course he respects those writers, that's their home and they have the right to post whatever they want. If a person doesn't like what he reads or he doesn't understand the words, he can always opt not to go back. No one forces people to visit their blogs.

It's only been two months since he decided to read more blogs written by people like him, so he's not even sure if this is pretty accurate. But this post is not meant to insult writers. He has too much respect for these people for their honesty and for being who they are and not being afraid to share it with the world. Sometimes he wishes he could be like them and not be afraid, but he's still got alot to learn. And alot more to experience.

ONLINE LOVE AFFAIR

I was asked by a colleague who knows that I'm an active blogger if it is possible for a person to fall in love just reading the works of others here in the blogosphere. I think she wants to use this as a means for her to find true love.

I immediately said yes. It is possible. I remember one time when I was still active with my old blog. I wrote about my imperfections and there was someone brave enough to ask me out on a date. It turns out the reader found me interesting. But I did not reply. I was writing as a straight guy back then.

Let's face it, this world is full of really talented writers, creative poets, romantics and uber cheesy bloggers. At one point or another, you'll find him or her attractive. Maybe not physically. But intellectually you find yourself fascinated and interested in the person behind the written works.

I think I'm being idealistic. I have honestly never heard of a love story that came out of blogging. I've never met a blogger who met someone and fell in love through this medium. Scratch that, I know of only one. They're a straight couple though, so they're really not that interesting.

But it is possible to be attracted with just the writer's words. If you ask me, I could name a few people in the blogosphere (not just on my bloglist here) that I'm attracted to intellectually. I like the way they write. I love their wordplays. I'm at awe with their wit and I'm spellbound by their stories. It's sort of a crush on a different level.

I've never met any of them personally, and other than exchanging comments here and there, we have no other means of communicating with each other.

Realistically speaking, I don't dwell too much on these crushes. I know most of the time, people who write under pseudonyms don't necessarily reflect what they really are in person. Sometimes a blog is just a way for a writer to become what he or she wants to be. When in real life they're far from what they say they are on their works.

This medium is still young. Alot has yet to happen. If history taught us one important lesson is that nothing really is impossible. I'd be lying if I say I'm not hoping to find the one here. Although, that's not the main purpose of my putting up this home of mine. But if finding the one here is what is fated, then that's just the icing on the cake.

ONE-WAY STORY

Once upon a time, Engel was a fan of chatting, back in the days when mirc was the king, no one knows g4m, and friendster was the country's facebook. He wouldn't dare go home after work without passing by the village's lone computer shop just to chat. He was an addict.

He didn't really meet alot of people like him back then. He was scared. And he was an insecure mess after his first major heartbreak. He chatted not because he was looking for an easy hook-up, but because he was looking for love.

He did go out for eyeballs, if he thought that the person he met was decent enough or at least interesting. But generally, he was fine having people fall for him over the phone and have it end there.

But one lonely pre-valentine's week, Engel got really lonely. He went to the 13th newest computer shop in their area. He did not leave until he got a telephone number, and he was not disappointed. He got a guy's cellphone number.

The texting was fine. They both had the same interests. The same hobbies. They thought that they were really compatible to each other.

Then came Valentine's Day. The textmate was really lonely that day. He did not have a date. So he invited Engel out. Engel was hesitant. He doesn't go out on Valentine's Day. Finds it too cheesy. But then the thought of spending Valentine's night with someone was too tempting to pass up. So he agreed.

His big mistake was not calling first to get a feel of what kind of guy he's about to meet. Specially because the textmate was ballsy enough to invite himself over to Engel's house.

So the time came for the eyeball. Engel prepared for it. He had his hair cut and all that. So the evening of their meeting, he was kinda eager to meet up with the textmate. The guy described how he looked like. What he was wearing and how he will be recognized. Lo and behold, what he saw was something he didn't expect. This guy who said he was straight looking and manly turned out to be the total opposite. He looked like a parlorista with too much foundation.

Suffice to say, Engel decided to pass him by. He looked the guy in the eye and walked right by him. He did a one way. His first. His last.

Obviously, the guy got mad. He tried to hunt Engel down. Threatening him that he'll have his uncle from NBI pick him up and throw him in jail. He even got close to finding out who he was. He doesn't know how, but he found out the details of Engel's cousin. Thankfully, the guy was stupid enough to believe that the identity of the person who stood him up was the actual guy's cousin.

Engel did not open his cellphone for almost a month.

And that's how Engel learned not to go one way on his dates. And that's also how Engel got over his chat addiction.

KRYPTONITE

I know I shouldn't feel anything.

I am only your friend.

And you are mine too.

There are no more feelings.

I have no more need to be with you. To be yours.

The attraction's faded away.

Yet thoughts of you still linger.

Is it because you're still my friend.

Should I sever the ties between us?

But in times like these, I know I'm the only person you can count on.

Should I turn my back on you?

On the darkest days of your life.

Or should I take the risk of driving myself crazy again?

I hate that you are my kryptonite.

A weakness I want in my life.

SOUR GRAPES

"So, I didn't make the cool group. It doesn't matter. I'm smarter than those people."

Bitter? Sourgraping? Or just seeing the positive things in life?

That's not Engel, by the way. He overheard this at work. This was said in a kinda hopeful tone. But the person looked kinda disappointed and irritated. Hmmm. Funny how body language tends to betray the words and the speaker.

And what's so special with hanging out with the cool people anyway? High school's been over years ago.

Engel really dislikes these kind of co-workers. Whiny. Pessimistic. Irritating. You see, this co-worker is a new hire. One of the very few. Anyway, so on our new unit, where we're all training, almost all of us have been with the company for at least more than a year now. Then here she comes new hire, giving us an attitude.

You might say, she's "feeling close" with everyone. She always bums a stick of cigs during breaks from everyone. And she looks at people as if she's superior than everyone. She hasn't even proven anything to anyone yet. She doesn't even participate in activities.

Engel's not a part of the cool group, and he doesn't really care about cliques since he gets along with everyone (except for that asshat of a colleague). He just found that statement really off. The girl doesn't know everyone, and she judges all just like that. That's just wrong.

Sukdulan na nga ang kapangitan niya. Ang panget pa ng ugali niya.