CLASS PICTURE

A couple of days ago, Engel found something that made his heart skip a beat. He uncovered a treasure he lost a few years ago. He found his class pictures again. Memories of his childhood and his youth resurfaced and it was great.

The pictures are still intact and in good condition, just as he last remembers it. Pictures from his pre-school to about his third year in college. So now, Engel is in reminiscing mode. But this post wouldn't be recounting his high school college or grade school days. That's been done by everyone and he doesn't really have that many stories to tell. School days were boring as he was a good boy back then (well, except for college).

Seeing the younger version of himself and his classmates made him remember all of his friends back then. If you've been reading since the beginning of his blog, you'd know Engel kept only one friend from his youth and most of his friends are the ones he met from his professional life.

He wonders now what's happened to those people he was buddies with back then. Facebook's alot of help in keeping up with those people, but a reunion would really be nicer.

MIKKO (bff from 1st grade and all throughout primary school)
Engel's first friend when he entered the all boy's school. He was rich, came from a huge family and was one of the cool kids. Looking back, they never really had much in common, they only became friends because they're always next to each other (seating arrangements usually follow the alphabetical order). Friendship sort of ended because of (surprise) a girl. Engel did not crush on Mikko's girl, but he did doubt Mikko's chances to be that girl's beau. And for a friend looking for support, that wasn't necessarily a good move.

RAMON (from 4th grade - 2nd year high school)
Ramon was the friend that slowly turned Engel to the geek that he is. He was the smartest kid in school so that was great. They often talk about X-Men the Animated Series and The Simpsons and Ghostbusters. Engel would often borrow Ramon's Archie and Tin Tin comics, and in turn Engel usually lends his RL Stine Fear Street and Christopher Pike novels to the other. Friendship slowly died in high school when Ramon transferred to a school for smarter kids. He's a doctor now in the US, by the way.

ALEKHINE (bff in pre-school)
This kid was a loser in pre-school. He was cool, had the neat toys, but was sort of a loner. Who knew pre-school kids would have that, right. They became close because Khine was the son of Engel's pediatrician. He was actually the kid who gave Engel one of the best gifts he received during his 7th birthday (which was stolen by a distant relative a few hours later). Engel stalks the guy every now and then as he turned out to be a really gorgeous guy. Yeah, Engel's creepy.

MOSES (from grade school to high school)
They weren't really bff's because they don't have anything in common. But they were close. In grade school, they worshipped the devil, played grab each other's balls and he mostly kicked Engel's ass. In high school, before he became one of the cool guys, they often hang out with each other to talk about rich kid stuff (which Engel knew very little of, but was a very good listener). Engel got disappointed when he found out Moses hooked up with his gay classmate. Anyway, now he's a professional poker player with a kinda pretty girlfriend. Apparently though, nothing happened between them, so Engel still has the distinction of having grabbed Moses' junior when they were still in grade school!!!

DARWIN (best friend in 3rd and 4th grade)
During his school days, Engel often attracted the school loners. Darwin was one of them. That may be because they were two of the very few people in class who got in the children's choir. Darwin was a rich kid and even as a kid, was very attractive. If Engel recalls correctly, Darwin may have been Engel's first male crush. Anyway, Darwin was often victim of his classmates stealing his stuff. And to make matters worse, his mother got into a very scandalous feud with one of their classmate's mother. So after 4th grade, Darwin transferred to a new school. Engel wonders now how he grew up to be.

There's actually alot more. There's the taekwondo player, the ugly duckling, Engel's high school crush, his nerdy cliques (who mostly grew up to be hunks), the emo high school cliques and his gay friend. But maybe some other time.

Engel's sick today and he really would like to take advantage of the sleep-conducive weather. Fever and insomnia's making things miserable for him right now though.

BLOG OBSERVATIONS

Although Engel's been in the blogosphere for more than three years now, it's only lately that he's really visited online journals of people like him. While he did follow a number of gay blogs in the past, he was mostly approached or was befriended by the straight crowd.

You see in the past, when Engel clicked on a blog owned by a queer guy, what popped up immediately were pictures of naked men. Now he wouldn't have that because he only had access to the internet at work. And as a person of position in the past, he can't risk having his rep stained. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but he's already known as a manly man.

He only found a few noteworthy "queer" blogs. He didn't really look that much before because he did meet some cool people. Straight, yet interesting nonetheless.

But now that he's fully immersed himself as an out-of-the-closet blogger (although he's yet to reveal his other persona), he thinks it's high time to write what he's observed about this side of the blogosphere.

EMO MUCH
Not since he read a female's blog has he read aLOT of emo posts. As much as possible he tries to avoid emo posts as he finds it contagious, but then it's usually a trend. One blogger writes an emo post today, then it'll be followed by five others tomorrow. Boo hoo, I'm single. My crush turned out to be straight. My partner and I broke up, we made up again, and then we'll break up again tomorrow. I'll end up alone huhuhu. Oh wait, that's me. But sometimes it's just too much. There are even those who don't even seem to post anything other than depressing stories. Engel does not dislike them, he understands that sometimes blogs are created so that a person can air out his problems. But if the only thing you're doing about the problem is writing about it, then that's just not right.

SEXY MUCH
Straight men don't write about their sexploits often. Carrie Bradshaw is a fictional character, who disappointingly is not prevalent among female bloggers. But gay writers can't seem to stop talking about sex. Not that it's wrong. Engel sometimes touches himself while reading other blogger's sexual exploits. Now Engel's said that he created this blog so he can write without inhibitions, but it's highly doubtful he'll ever post his adventures in detail. Not because he's not getting any, but because he just can't. He's totally fine reading these posts, this is just his observation.

OCEAN DEEP
While alot of queer writers tend to be shallow, there are more than are deep. As in 'ocean deep'. Honestly, sometimes Engel comments for the sake of writing one, but truthfully, he understood nothing of what he read. Oftentimes he'd not even worry about commenting at all. One time, a blog was too deep, it took Engel a couple of readthroughs before he realized that the writer posted about his most recent sexploit. What's up with that? He's fine reading highfaluting words, he knows how to navigate webster.com. Of course he respects those writers, that's their home and they have the right to post whatever they want. If a person doesn't like what he reads or he doesn't understand the words, he can always opt not to go back. No one forces people to visit their blogs.

It's only been two months since he decided to read more blogs written by people like him, so he's not even sure if this is pretty accurate. But this post is not meant to insult writers. He has too much respect for these people for their honesty and for being who they are and not being afraid to share it with the world. Sometimes he wishes he could be like them and not be afraid, but he's still got alot to learn. And alot more to experience.

ONLINE LOVE AFFAIR

I was asked by a colleague who knows that I'm an active blogger if it is possible for a person to fall in love just reading the works of others here in the blogosphere. I think she wants to use this as a means for her to find true love.

I immediately said yes. It is possible. I remember one time when I was still active with my old blog. I wrote about my imperfections and there was someone brave enough to ask me out on a date. It turns out the reader found me interesting. But I did not reply. I was writing as a straight guy back then.

Let's face it, this world is full of really talented writers, creative poets, romantics and uber cheesy bloggers. At one point or another, you'll find him or her attractive. Maybe not physically. But intellectually you find yourself fascinated and interested in the person behind the written works.

I think I'm being idealistic. I have honestly never heard of a love story that came out of blogging. I've never met a blogger who met someone and fell in love through this medium. Scratch that, I know of only one. They're a straight couple though, so they're really not that interesting.

But it is possible to be attracted with just the writer's words. If you ask me, I could name a few people in the blogosphere (not just on my bloglist here) that I'm attracted to intellectually. I like the way they write. I love their wordplays. I'm at awe with their wit and I'm spellbound by their stories. It's sort of a crush on a different level.

I've never met any of them personally, and other than exchanging comments here and there, we have no other means of communicating with each other.

Realistically speaking, I don't dwell too much on these crushes. I know most of the time, people who write under pseudonyms don't necessarily reflect what they really are in person. Sometimes a blog is just a way for a writer to become what he or she wants to be. When in real life they're far from what they say they are on their works.

This medium is still young. Alot has yet to happen. If history taught us one important lesson is that nothing really is impossible. I'd be lying if I say I'm not hoping to find the one here. Although, that's not the main purpose of my putting up this home of mine. But if finding the one here is what is fated, then that's just the icing on the cake.

ONE-WAY STORY

Once upon a time, Engel was a fan of chatting, back in the days when mirc was the king, no one knows g4m, and friendster was the country's facebook. He wouldn't dare go home after work without passing by the village's lone computer shop just to chat. He was an addict.

He didn't really meet alot of people like him back then. He was scared. And he was an insecure mess after his first major heartbreak. He chatted not because he was looking for an easy hook-up, but because he was looking for love.

He did go out for eyeballs, if he thought that the person he met was decent enough or at least interesting. But generally, he was fine having people fall for him over the phone and have it end there.

But one lonely pre-valentine's week, Engel got really lonely. He went to the 13th newest computer shop in their area. He did not leave until he got a telephone number, and he was not disappointed. He got a guy's cellphone number.

The texting was fine. They both had the same interests. The same hobbies. They thought that they were really compatible to each other.

Then came Valentine's Day. The textmate was really lonely that day. He did not have a date. So he invited Engel out. Engel was hesitant. He doesn't go out on Valentine's Day. Finds it too cheesy. But then the thought of spending Valentine's night with someone was too tempting to pass up. So he agreed.

His big mistake was not calling first to get a feel of what kind of guy he's about to meet. Specially because the textmate was ballsy enough to invite himself over to Engel's house.

So the time came for the eyeball. Engel prepared for it. He had his hair cut and all that. So the evening of their meeting, he was kinda eager to meet up with the textmate. The guy described how he looked like. What he was wearing and how he will be recognized. Lo and behold, what he saw was something he didn't expect. This guy who said he was straight looking and manly turned out to be the total opposite. He looked like a parlorista with too much foundation.

Suffice to say, Engel decided to pass him by. He looked the guy in the eye and walked right by him. He did a one way. His first. His last.

Obviously, the guy got mad. He tried to hunt Engel down. Threatening him that he'll have his uncle from NBI pick him up and throw him in jail. He even got close to finding out who he was. He doesn't know how, but he found out the details of Engel's cousin. Thankfully, the guy was stupid enough to believe that the identity of the person who stood him up was the actual guy's cousin.

Engel did not open his cellphone for almost a month.

And that's how Engel learned not to go one way on his dates. And that's also how Engel got over his chat addiction.

KRYPTONITE

I know I shouldn't feel anything.

I am only your friend.

And you are mine too.

There are no more feelings.

I have no more need to be with you. To be yours.

The attraction's faded away.

Yet thoughts of you still linger.

Is it because you're still my friend.

Should I sever the ties between us?

But in times like these, I know I'm the only person you can count on.

Should I turn my back on you?

On the darkest days of your life.

Or should I take the risk of driving myself crazy again?

I hate that you are my kryptonite.

A weakness I want in my life.

SOUR GRAPES

"So, I didn't make the cool group. It doesn't matter. I'm smarter than those people."

Bitter? Sourgraping? Or just seeing the positive things in life?

That's not Engel, by the way. He overheard this at work. This was said in a kinda hopeful tone. But the person looked kinda disappointed and irritated. Hmmm. Funny how body language tends to betray the words and the speaker.

And what's so special with hanging out with the cool people anyway? High school's been over years ago.

Engel really dislikes these kind of co-workers. Whiny. Pessimistic. Irritating. You see, this co-worker is a new hire. One of the very few. Anyway, so on our new unit, where we're all training, almost all of us have been with the company for at least more than a year now. Then here she comes new hire, giving us an attitude.

You might say, she's "feeling close" with everyone. She always bums a stick of cigs during breaks from everyone. And she looks at people as if she's superior than everyone. She hasn't even proven anything to anyone yet. She doesn't even participate in activities.

Engel's not a part of the cool group, and he doesn't really care about cliques since he gets along with everyone (except for that asshat of a colleague). He just found that statement really off. The girl doesn't know everyone, and she judges all just like that. That's just wrong.

Sukdulan na nga ang kapangitan niya. Ang panget pa ng ugali niya.

MURTAUGH LIST

The Murtaugh list is a list of things a person is too old to do. I got this from How I Met Your Mother. You see Mr. Murtaugh, from the Lethal Weapon series, played hilariously by Danny Glover is the senior between the two cops (him and Mel Gibson). So anyway they often go after bad guys the extreme way and Murtaugh always end up saying "I'm too old for this shit." Hence the list of things, one's too old to do.

Okay, so here's my list of things I'm too old for.

• Start smoking.
• Experiment on illegal substances.
• Have sex with minors.
• Be a fan of the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana.
• For pamorningan drinking sessions.
• To not have voted yet.
• To climb up and hang out on treetops.

There may be more, I can't think of anything else at the moment. But of course there are things you'll never be too old to do.

• Laugh at those crazy cartoons,
• To have awesome time doing crazy stuff with your friends.
• To start a new hobby.
• Change your lifestyle.
  
• Start saving money.
• And to fall in love.

What's on your Murtaugh List?

SCATTERED THOUGHTS

CHEERDANCE COMPETITION
Found it kinda boring this year. Missed the one last year as he was out of the country, but was terribly disappointed with what he saw yesterday. FEU did deserve the win but thinks it's still subpar. The originality, inventiveness and energy of past competitions were missing this year. It's all about how high the throws are, and all the pyramids done looked the same. Only the props were something to look forward to (except for the Blue Babble Battalions' one).

NOYNOY
The hype is on him right now. Fresh from his mother's death, it's easily understandable why he's the favored one at the moment. Valid points have been said, and it seems his inexperience is bringing him good favors. But does he really deserve the country's vote? Have we heard his platform? Do we even know what he's already done for the country? Election's a long way away. But considering who he'll be in contention with, he may be the only choice.

TAYLOR SWIFT
Engel's crazy for this girl at the moment. Love her songs (except for the Romeo song, it's too girly). He finds himself singing along to White Horse, Teardrops on My Guitar and he tunes in to MTV and Myx often hoping to catch You Belong To Me. Engel's too old for Taylor Swift songs, but he thinks no one's too old to appreciate good music.

IN MY LIFE
I'm looking forward to seeing this movie. Not because it's gay-themed. But I really like the trailer. I hate Luis Manzano, I find him irritating (even if he's hot). But the scene where he tells his mother he's afraid of disappointing her again brings a tear to my eyes.And because I'm a fan of John Lloyd.

ANTHONY TABERNA
Maybe because he doesn't see too much tv these days, only the morning show of ABS-CBN, but he finds himself looking forward to watching this news anchor. He likes the geekiness, much more the fierceness. Anyone knows if he's already married?

DEPRESSION
Engel's over the depression crap he's subjected himself into the past week. How? He got himself occupied with alot of things. Work was primarily the reason he hadn't thought of it. Playing video games nonstop also helped. That's always been his cure for such problems. Busying himself to death. He can't hangout with his friends anymore because of his schedule, but that's okay. He needs to save up some money anyway. So like the storm that just passed, so did his melancholy.

INSOMNIA
This is his current arch-enemy. This past week, he only averages 4 hours of sleep a day. He's still not used to the shift he's in. Specially because he still doesn't know what time he should leave for work. You see, Engel's training starts at 9pm. 6pm is too early, 7pm is too late. Makati rush hour is just crazy and unpredictable. Hopefully this week he can figure the schedule much better. This is going to be his life from now on. Going back to sleeping, he find it sucky that whatever time he goes to sleep in the morning, he always finds himself waking up at noon. Always. And he can't go back to sleep after. Anyone recommend a good sleeping pill?