ENGEL NO MORE

Maintaining a blog is difficult. You really need to have serious writing chops if you want to stay active.

Having two is really impossible. 

Specially now with all my responsibilities at work add juggling personal time and having quality time with the Kid., something's got to give.

I have exported almost all of my posts from this one to my other blog, which is the one I'll maintain. I'll copy some of the active links from this one to my other home so I can still keep up with the ones I still read.

Maybe occasionally, if the Kid decides to write his Philo stuff, I'll post it here, but I don't think I'll be able to post here anymore.

Thank you to everyone who followed, reads, visits, provide feedback and everyone I became friends here for giving time to read all my rants.You have all been great. I have grown up alot because of y'all.

Hope you'd still follow me on my other home. 

For now, Engel will be on hiatus.

QUICK HITS XII

Geeking out once again. Have alot of things to review. I only have 30 minutes til my shift ends, so let me do this quickly.

THE NEW GIRL
This is one of my favorite new sitcoms for this season. Zooey Deschanel killed her role as Jess in The New Girl. She plays a sort of geeky girl who got dumped by her boyfriend and was forced to move in with three hunks. The last part of the description sold me. The show's a bit traditional sitcom-y, meaning it has been done before. It's like reverse-Big Bang Theory, only the hot girl is the geek with three hot guys. Anyway, three hot guys sold me. So there you go.

TERRA NOVA
This show's got an interesting concept. Future earth is dying, for humans to survive, man must journey and live in the past. And by past, we mean hundreds of millions of years in the past. When dinosaurs roamed the earth. Steven Spielberg's name was linked to this project so that immediately drew my attention. But after boring me with his other show (Falling Skies), I'm not too excited about this show. The first episode is intriguing. It's got that Lost feel to it. Hopefully, the action will pick up in the next few episodes, so we'll see.

TWO AND A HALF MEN
Haven't followed this show since I don't know after Season 3 or 4. I know Charlie Sheen got fired and  was replaced by Ashton. He was not the hook for me, unfortunately. I downloaded this show just to check on how this will be different. Two episodes in, and I still find the show funny. Ashton is not Charlie, so that's good. He still brings in the sexy though, so that'll pique girl's and men's interest a bit. But I don't think I'll be seeing this the entire season. Eventually, once all the other shows I'm looking forward to watching begins, I'll probably forget about this.

THE BIG BANG THEORY
So, Penny slept with Raj. Last Season wasn't as great as the previous ones, but last summer's finale immediately pulled me back in. The whole Raj and Penny thing was definitely a surprise, so I thought  I must watch this show again. I was actually more surprised that they wrapped up that story quite quickly. Would have wanted more of those two interacting with each other. But the first episode of the season got me excited for the next episodes. So this one's still on my download list.

THE GOOD WIFE
I don't really want to write a review for this one yet. I've only seen just one episode of Season 3. But damn! I can't wait to see this every week. Alicia's changed alot. She's hot now. She's so hot I'm now considering being a lesbian. I'm itching to see Cuddy make an appearance. I'm looking forward to seeing more of her and Will Gardner doing more sex scenes. Actually, I'd be fine if Will has a sex scene by himself. But more importantly, I want to see how her husband will react when he finds out that Alicia isn't a good wife anymore.

PERSON OF INTEREST
This show has a great concept. After 9-11, America has created a machine that can track people who could possibly commit heinous acts of terrorism. It's like Minority Report-Lite, but only better. It stars Jesus Christ (the guy from The Passion of Christ) I forgot his name. So anyway the concept, there's a machine that can predict possible acts of terrorism, but it also gets information to predict small time crime. Unfortunately, that machine discards that information. Good thing one man has access to that information and uses Jesus Christ to stop those murders from happening. It also has that Lost vibe to it. But I'm really enjoying this show.

GAMES
GEARS OF WAR 3
The first of this trilogy, was the first game I played and finished when I got my XBox 360. I followed this series, even if I hadn't completed the second game. Anyway, the reason is I loved it. I loved the gameplay. I loved the bromance. I loved the emoness of this hyper-masculine game. That's why even if I don't have budget, and the Kid told me not to buy it, I still got a copy of it. It's worth it. It's a great game. More emo than I can remember, and I'm excited to finish it hopefully this weekend.

DO THEY KNOW?

A couple of years ago, I asked this question: Do they know?

I had an inkling that my parents had clues about who I really am. I think all parents do. These are things that just never get said. Things that are better left unsaid.

As a kid, I know they must have seen something in me. I remember my cousins would joke around that among our clan, the third generation of our family there were only about three and a half of us who'll spread our last name. The men in my family died young. I was the half.

My grandmother caught me fornicating with another guy in my room. I know she's always known. She'd tell my uncles what she thought of me when I was young. I'm sure that deed she saw would have already reached my mother's ears.

Then there's the fact that I'm almost thirty, and not once have I brought a woman home to meet them.

The Kid always sleeps over at home. And when he's there, we just lock ourselves up inside my room. I'm sure my cousin and our household help have at least once heard me and the kid say sweet nothings to each other.

They know.

The question though is this, should I confirm to them what they already know?

TOTAL GEEK-OUT POST

This was supposed to be my post on the 'other' blog, but I just recently posted an english article there, so I decided to just share the post here. I'm going to geek out big time here, so if you're not into comic books or video games or pop culture, then I advise to just stay away.

DEUS EX: HUMAN REVOLUTION

Honestly, I'm really torn up right now on how to divide my time. I have work, comic book downloads, series downloads, my new camera, the Kid and this video game to occupy my time. I just came from a two-day leave and felt I didn't really accomplish much.

In total, I've clocked in about 24-hours of game time playing Deus Ex. This is probably one of the most addicting PS3 game I have in my small library. I had to start over because I made a total blunder in my choices, but playing this a second time did not feel like a chore.

In Deus Ex: Human Revolution, you play Adam Jensen, a security chief of a technologically advanced corporation who had to be augmented with hi-tech mechanisms after his company got attacked. His mission now is to find out the truth about the attack.

I am not fluent in the technical mumbo-jumbo that is creating video games, but all I can say is that this game is awesome in all aspects of video-gaming that I know. The visuals are just awe-inspiring. I love that I can interact with almost everything that I can come to. The CGI parts are stunning, this is a very beautiful game.

Like I said, I played the first 12-hours of this game twice, and it did not get old for me. Other games may have played the same way, but this did not. It was like I was playing an entirely new game. It's that good.

DC COMICS

If you're a comic book geek like me, then you've probably heard of the 52 initiative of DC Comics. This is one of the biggest news of the year in the comicbook world.

It's basically DC revamping their entire universe and giving us 52 #1 titles in just one month.

I'm no DC follower (I'm obviously a Marvel zombie), but this has got me intrigued. September is the perfect jumping-on point for readers who wants to be familiar with DC or comics in general.

Simply put, a recent event (Flashpoint) has caused the entire DC history to be rewritten and we'll be able to see again how or where characters like Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman came to be.

I'm not totally sold on this idea, if you ask me. This would be like when Marvel decided to un-marry Spider-man and Mary Jane (actually Superman and Lois Lane will be unmarried now too). People say this is a desperate move by DC, but if this will get people to buy and read comics again, then by any means they should go.

I'm cutting down on my comics purchases, so I really don't have enough space anymore for a DC comic. But I'm pretty sure my Thursday downloads will be a bit heavier from now on.

FALL TV

It's September once again.

That means alot of my favorite tv shows are coming back!!! Let me just rundown the series that I'm currently following and shows that I'm looking forward to see in the following weeks/months. If you haven't seen some of the shows and don't want to be spoiled, I guess it's time to stop reading this post.

****SPOILERS AHEAD****

THE GOOD WIFE: Season 2 ended with Alicia and Will making out in the elevator. I can't wait to find out what happens next. And damn, the teaser for this show is making me drool. It's sexy. Okay, I'm doubting if I'm really gay now. Oh, and House's Dr. Cuddy is in for several episodes this season!!! Yay, Lisa Edelstein!!!

THE WALKING DEAD: Honestly, Season 1's six episodes is a total travesty. I'm glad AMC picked it up for a 2nd season and can't wait to see what's coming in the next 12 episodes. The 4-minute trailer gave us a glimpse of Herschel's Farm and that immediately gave me goosebumps. October can't come soon enough.

THE AMAZING RACE: This is my favorite reality show. I don't care about Survivor or American Idol or The Bachelor, this is the game I want to play. I don't know why, but this game never gets tiring for me. There's always someone to root for, and someone to hate. And I can't wait to find out who those people will be.

That's just 3 shows, other shows I'm looking forward to: How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Terra Nova, Private Practice, House, and Community. My desktop's going to crash looking at the list of future downloads. God help me!

Nope, no Glee or Gossip Girl or Vampire Diaries for me anymore. Like what you've been saying about my last post, I've matured.

OF CURRENT EVENTS AND AGING

When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I often listen to these more mature people airing their opinions on current events and politics. I always thought those matters are for old people.

News, politics, current events, I always thought that these are things that only adults would give a damn about. I was, no I am a pop culture guy. I care about the latest video games, the most popular comic books, the best movies.

I don't know what happened, but things changed.

A few hours ago, I found myself composing a reply to a fellow blogger who aired his opinion regarding the issue between the President and the victims of last year's hostage crisis. And then, I saw my last post, and it was about my reaction to the facebook message pitting the Philippine Azkals against the Philippine Dragonboat Team.

A couple of years ago, I wouldn't even read those kinds of articles. I'd rather waste my time finding out what to look forward to in upcoming episodes of Grey's Anatomy. I'd only listen or watch the news to find out which actor switches to which network.

I still do.

But I also am getting interested in real news. I want to know the truth behind the former first gentleman's helicopters. I need to find out when the doctors will botch Congresswoman Gloria Arroyo's operation and kill her. Heck, I'm even having an opinion regarding divorce and the RH Bill. I'm even buying newspaper every other day.

Clearly, this is a sign of aging.

ON PHILIPPINE SPORTS

PH Azkals: 0 Golds, 0 trophies, 5 TV ads, 20% Pinoy
PH Dragonboat Team: 5 Golds, 0 commercials, 90% Pinoy

PH Azkals: With Sponsors
PH Dragonboat Team: Inutang at KKB Pamasahe.

PH Azkals: Complete Outfit
PH Dragonboat Team: Nanghiram pa ng sagwan sa Kalaban

Sasagwan ka ba sa KARANGALAN o Sisipa sa PAPOGIAN?

Spread the Word!!!

This was one of the facebook stats that I read on my way to work today.

Honestly, I find that statement off and foul.

I was supposed to comment on that status as it is asking to have people repost this, but the internet connection on my blackberry was off so my message did not push through. So I thought I'd just write my litany about this in my blog.

I am no sports fan. So news about the Philippine Azkals and our Philippine Dragonboat Team is not such a big deal for me. From what I gather from news clips I see before I sleep or before I go to work, that all our athletes don't get the support that they deserve from our government. That much I clearly understand.

The status above is actually a good move. I agree, that the Philippine Dragonboat Team did not get the support they deserve. Heck, if they did not break records and win gold we'd still not hear about this team. So it's just right that these athletes, these players enjoy the attention they're getting right now. And this is the right time to show the government, the people that they NEED support financially from our government.

But what's off for me is that they are compared with other athletes, specifically the Azkals. I am no fan of the team (of any sports really). While I do find alot of their players attractive and sexy and yummy, it does not affect my opinion-making.

Whoever started the above statement, clearly have no understanding of sports. I took soccer in PE when I was in college and let me tell you, soccer/football is not an easy sport. The fact that those players got to where they got, even if they lost, is a big thing for the country. They were underdogs. Yes, they did not win alot of games. Yes they did not get to the World Cup. But that does not discount the fact that they worked their asses off to get to where they got. So I think they still deserve respect.

Don't get me wrong, I am PROUD of our Philippine Dragonboat Team. And I agree that they really need to get more support not just from our government but from people who can. But I don't agree that these people need to be compared with other athletes. This is probably the reason this country's not progressing.

Let's just be happy that these rowers, and football players, and boxers, regardless of the crap they're getting from us, still want to carry our country's name.

TIMELINE

Engel's timeline after he created this blog two years ago.

August '09 - Started this second blog anonymously. Followed and got followed by other pink bloggers.

September '09 - Became fully engrossed in this home. Posted more regularly and got more regular readers and commenters.

October '09 - Not anonymous anymore. Met a blogger and after a day became his beau.

November '09 - Not a month after, they broke up.

December '09 - Because of the mess that was his lovelife, attempted to say goodbye. Took him a week to come back.

January '10 - Started flirting with other bloggers. Other bloggers started flirting back.

February '10 - Met 5 bloggers on his birthday. Had a huge crush upon meeting Lukayo, Johnny
Cursive and Maxwell.

March '10 - On his third day of making spontaneous decisions, decided to close down this blog... again.

April '10 - Took him three weeks this time to come back to writing. Courting the Kid more aggressively this time.

May '10 - Sex blogs started to grow. I blamed Soltero (just kidding). Oh, and Engel's not single anymore (seriously this time). Finally met birthday boy Nyl and Kane.

June '10 - Nothing much happened.

July '10 - Bought a Playstation 3 console.

August '10 - Started posting about relationship. Wrote about sex life. Wrote about sex. Fail!!! Iurico told me he hated me one time because he thought I did something. Got promoted.

September '10 - Makmak's dilemma with his "love life" reached a climax. Became constant companion during Thursday mass in St. Jude.

October '10 - Finally opened up about on the truth about an ex.

November '10 - The Kid started writing for this blog. Readers got a taste of the nosebleed. I guess except for Red the Mod and Kaloy. 6th lunaversary with the Kid.

December '10 - Met with alot of bloggers. Formed a huge crush on one that became his friend. Crush had to end. Still in love with the Kid.

January '11 - Met one anonymous blogger who Engel had a huge crush on since 2008. Finally put a face on that smiley he used to hide his face in when he posted pictures of himself. Gorgeous gorgeous man. Promised this will be the year he'll lose weight.

February '11 - Quiet birthday with blog friends. A schoolmate got killed by a couple of kids he met in Malate. Initial findings say robbery was motive. Mourned death by eating. Got promoted again.

March '11 - No blog posts. Writer's block. Probably know readers got tired of reading every single significant event in relationship that's been chronicled. Busied himself by eating more.

April '11 - Posts became seldom for both blogs. Gave other bloggers time to shine. Not updated anymore on happenings in blog world.

May '11 - Celebrated 1st year anniversary with Kid... separately. I had to attend to a friend's wedding in Boracay, and the Kid didn't have money to follow. Oh yeah, and friendship with a blogger friend ended because he groped my Kid.

June '11 - After not being able to look at his Boracay pictures, decided to finally start losing weight. Annual Physical Exam showed, he finally reached 200 lbs. Disgusted with himself.

July '11 - Lost 20 lbs!!! Celebrated by eating.

August '11 - Have not looked in the scales yet, but is already in the 170's range. 177 the last time I looked. Celebrated two years of Engel.

Happy blog birthday to me!!!

THIS USED TO HAVE A LONG TITLE

As I currently don't have anything in mind to share these days. Let me just post something the Kid wrote.

I'm not a philosopher in any way, so any questions regarding what you'll be reading next should be forwarded to him. Unlike me, he actually responds to comments.

Enjoy. And have a handkerchief ready, this is gonna make your nose bleed a little.

********************
Ang konsepto ng MERON
At kung bakit may GUMAWA nito mula sa WALA

Philosophy-related ang post na to. Ie-explain ko lang ang koneksyon ng meron sa wala at kung bakit kelangang may gumawa sa ‘wala’ para ‘magkaroon’.

Medyo nosebleed, pero maganda kasi tong argument (para sa Philo junkies gaya ko) para mapatunayang may Diyos nga.

Mag-uumpisa ang argument sa konsepto ng meron. Sabi ni Avicenna (Arabian philosopher), mapapatunayan na nanggaling sa wala ang mga bagay dahil sa konsepto ng duality. Pag nakita mo ang isang pie, for example, dalawang bagay lang naman ang maiisip mo (in this context), it’s either merong pie or walang pie. Dahil naga-grasp ng utak ang konsepto ng wala (nothingness), lohikal na sabihing may GUMAWA nito from WALA (dahil hindi naga-grasp ng utak ang WALA at tanging MERON lang).

Dahil sa duality, masasabing lahat ng bagay ay kino-cause ng isa pang bagay. Kung titignan in a wider perspective, masasabing lahat ng bagay sa universe e cause ng iba pang entities. For example, yung mga stars e galing sa mga sumabog at namatay na stars. Para kay Avicenna, lahat ng bagay sa universe ay CONTINGENT BEINGS. Meaning, hindi sila magiging ganyan (being) kung hindi dahil sa iba pang bagay (other beings).

Kung susundan ang logic na to, masasabing lahat ng bagay e nanggaling sa isa pa, and so on and so forth. Pero pano naman yung pinakaumpisang bagay sa universe?

Hindi biblical ang nature ng reasoning ni Avicenna nang sinabi nyang tanging Diyos lang ang kayang gumawa ng meron mula sa wala. Bakit?

Una, hindi pwedeng manggaling sa wala ang meron. Dahil kung wala na sya, hindi na sya magkakaroon pa. Kaya naman, dapat may MAMAGITAN sa wala para magkaroon (kung tatanong mo kung pano ginawa ang bagay mula sa wala e hindi ko alam kasi hindi ako Diyos).
Pero pedeng tanungin, kung ginawa ng Diyos ang meron sa wala, sino ang gumawa sa Diyos? Dito mas pinatibay ni Avicenna ang argument nya nang sinabi NECESSARY BEING ang Diyos. Meaning, hindi na Nya kelangan pa ang iba pang entity para maging SYA. Bakit?

1. Endless cycle ang mangyayari kung sasabihin mong may gumawa pa sa Diyos. Sino gumawa sa gumawa sa Diyos? Sino gumawa sa gumawa sa gumawa sa Diyos?
2. Lohikal isiping meron na ang Diyos simula pa dahil TANGING ang MERON lang ang makakagawa ng isa pang MERON from WALA.

Sana gets nyo.

Yung lang.

ASSUMPTIONS

A recent conversation with some friends got me thinking of some of my most embarassing moments.

It was way back when I was still renting in Marikina. You see, I used to travel from apartment to our home on weekends. But there was this one night that I had to go home late because of some gimmick I went to with my housemates.

I didn't want to take the bus back because it was a very long ride from Cubao to Baclaran. And I had to run from LRT2 to the MRT to reach the last ride.

Fortunately, I made it. And as it was the last train for the night, the cart was practically empty. A station later, a guy came in. He's cute if you're into guys who look like strippers. He certainly dressed like one. I still remember he's wearing a black see-through sleeveless shirt.

Upon entering, we immediately made eye contact. I was not into the guy, but apparently for him it may have meant that I was. So, in the midst of an almost empty cart he decided to stand up in front of me. It was a very uncomfortable ride. Me, seated, and his growing cock starign right back at me.

Station after station people started going down, yet he still did not move. I was afraid to look at the guy because he might take it as a sign that I'm into him.

But the moment I did, I saw him immediately purse his lips. Did he signal me to give him a kiss? Did I look obvious that night? Did I look like the type who'd make out with a guy who makes out with people he meets on a train?

I am now. But four years ago, I was the virginal type. I gave him a look of disgust. But he still pursed his lips, pointing towards my crotch.

That time I got really scared so I left my seat and transferred a couple of benches away from him. After Buendia Station, he sat beside me.

He whispered, "butas brief mo. Bukas din ang zipper mo." He smiled, then got off on Magallanes.

So that's why he was pointing his lips on my crotch.

Yes, I wear holey undies. I'm an exhibitionist that way.

200

A few weeks ago, I went to the office clinic to undergo our company's Annual Physical Examination.

This is a standard procedure with the company to allow us employees to enter the office premises. We have to be deemed fit to work.

This is a normal procedure. ECG, eye test, blood pressure, cholesterol, urine, stool, AIDS, the whole naked thing where the doctor asks you to pull down your shorts and spread open your ass. I knew I have normal stats so I was fine with it.

But that day was especially depressing for me. It was something dreadful. No, I was not molested in a previous check-up (for me, it wouldn't be traumatic, I'd probably look forward to being thoroughly checked by my doctor). Anyway, what I was afraid of, what I was truly dreadful of during the day is stepping on the scales.

It's been months since I've weighed myself.

I knew I have been careless regarding my body. I went to Boracay during the summer and only took off my shirt when I'm waste deep in water. I've been fat. But what I did not realize is that I really haven't taken care of my health in a very long time. This was when I said that my sole goal for the year was to lose weight.

My jaw dropped as soon as I saw the scale point to a dreadful number. 201.

The heaviest I've been my entire life.

I'm not a tall guy so seeing that number was painful. I'm no longer just chubby or stocky. I'm FAT bordering on obese.

I have been on a downward spiral. I can't put my socks on properly. I didn't want to look at the mirror. Half of my pants, I can't button anymore, even more with my business attire. I pull my shoulders up, and I look like the Nutty Professor. After we went to Boracay, I untagged myself in alot of my friend's photos. I didn't want to have my picture taken. My profile picture in facebook was from three years ago during my trip overseas.

I became a pig. And that was unacceptable.

**************************
Honestly, I don't really make a huge deal in terms of my weight. I thought I had a partner who accepts me for who I am and not how I look physically. The Kid would tell me to try to lose weight, but when we're out on dates the Kid usually hand me those he can't finish.

My parents don't really help that much also. Whenever I tell them I'm going on a diet, that's when they usually feed me all my favorite food. Caldereta. Pork Steak. Carbonara. Beef with Mushroom. Yang Chow Rice.

Sabotage!!!

It usually takes me 2 days to end the diet stage.

Work didn't help as well. Since accepting a different role at work last year, I never really had the chance to tread the path of the fit and healthy. Twice or thrice, sometimes the whole week we'd feast on the fast food dinners. Army Navy burgers, Amber's, Chickboy, Mercatto, Banchetto, Salcedo Market, Yellow Cab, Jollibee, 2 piece Mini Stop chicken, McDonald's, KFC, homemade oily fatty viands, anything that will get your cholesterol level to dangerous levels we tried out.

I bought Kinect for XBox to have an exercise. But it took me only two months to give up on it. The console haven't really been played with after my birthday party five months ago.

**************************
A few days after, I decided to stop eating rice. Whenever I felt the need to eat, I go straight to my room and sleep it off. I started drinking alot of water. You could say I went on a crash diet. I know it's not really healthy, but I needed to start somewhere.

When I shed off my first few pounds, that's when I started eating again. Rice meals became spoonfuls a day. I said goodbye to junk food and chocolates. I started drinking fruit smoothies and eating fruits. I still drink alot of water.

For about a month, I did not order pizza (which before was done almost weekly). I lessened hanging out with my officemates during lunch break and opted against whenever they wanted to eat outside. Eating breakfast at McDonald's meant just ordering a couple of pancakes and not the longanisa meal with sausage mcmuffin.

This went on for days, until I finally am able to survive a day without putting rice in my mouth. I learned the art of discipline. I don't eat before I sleep anymore. And I usually can get by a day with only a couple of bananas in my stomach. I still indulge myself with pizza or burgers or ice cream, but only once during the weekends. My thoughts, depriving myself on the things I like will only make me want to have it more.

**************************
My efforts have been productive. People have been noticing that I've shed some pounds. Last week I was able to wear again some of the polo's that I haven't worn since last year. These days when I see myself in the mirror I don't see a look of disgust in my face anymore. Believe it or not, there are even days when I feel sexy.

Yesterday morning I went again on a scale. I have already lost 21 pounds. I smiled.

I'm far from getting to my goal. There's still a lot to do and diet alone is not going to cut it.

I am writing this so I will remember everything that I've gained. So when the day comes that I want to quit, it will remind me what I have achieved and that I should not waste it.

Preparing for work this afternoon, I tried to button my pants. For the first time in a very long time I was able to close it.

I want to remember how it felt.

QUICK HITS XI

I feel that I've been outdated in the pink blog universe. Well, it's more of the general blog universe. It's like everyone's moved on except for me. People are now in relationships, people have broken up. People are happier. Gay people are getting married. And there are those who've given up. Oh, and there are all those new people writing their hearts out.

Where have I been when all that happened?

I don't know most of the people that I read anymore. And those I know, I can't find them. Their blogs are either closed or in private (yes it's you Iurico!!!).

I know the relationship's got me sidetracked from my blog life. And it's fine. It's all good. It's just sometimes when I'm having my me-time, I'd like to be somewhere familiar. And lately, it seems that the blog world isn't a place I recognize anymore.

****************
I know you're probably sick and tired of reading about Engel's blossoming lovelife. It's status quo as of writing and I think that's not going to change anytime soon. But assuming you're interested, let me update you on what's going in the other aspects of my life.

• There have been a few opportunities that have come my way recently, career-wise that I'm thinking of. I've been semi-promoted as an assistant lead for my team and am considering whether to take another step forward in my career ladder. Only hindrance is the panel business presentation required to move on. I'm no good in panel interviews. Scares the shit out of me.



• It's been awhile since I last met a new friend/acquaintance. I haven't been socializing very much these days. Financial reasons mostly. I blame promotion. Higher income means higher taxes. Unfortunately, my new pay just crossed the new tax bracket. That basically means I'm earning less than I did when I wasn't promoted yet. My money's just enough to cover my bills and dates with the Kid.



• On the plus side of the above, less money means I have less budget on food. Meaning no more unscheduled pizza delivery orders. No more budget to buy cake and ice cream when I'm craving. Long story short, I've lost weight. I'm practically fulfilling my lone goal for the year. Now if I could only find the energy, time and inspiration to go back to the gym.

****************

Before I forget, let me just give my belated greetings to a few of my blog friends.

KANE - I hope you enjoyed your birthday last weekend. My apologies for the late greeting. I know I've already said my excuse, but that's not enough after everything you've done the past year for me. Sincerely, thank you for being a good friend.

ALTERJAHN - Belated happy birthday to you as well. I will never forget what you gave me the day we met. I may not know what that food is called, but it was the thought that I'll always remember.

GEEK - Belated happy birthday to you as well. I appreciate the regular visit even if it's done very rarely these days.

FAIRY TALES

We all dream of a fairy tale love story.

The magic. The prince to sweep us off our feet.

We envy those whose love stories seemed like they were meant for classic literature. And we look for ones ourselves.

And sometimes that's what's wrong with us.

We expect our love story to be this epic fairy tale. About impossible odds that love will conquer. That anything less than grand is unacceptable. Sometimes we let go of good people just because our story was simple. Not worth telling.

But love stories aren't always grand.

They won't always be perfect.

And oftentimes, they are not true.

The only time it will feel real, that it will feel epic, that it will be perfect, it's when you know that you're with the one. You could meet that person on a chatroom, in one of your commutes, a friend of a friend, and it would not matter how your love story goes. What's important is you have a love story.

And that it is true.

That is a fairy tale.

AT 29

Engel's been having a hard time finding an inspiration to write the last few months. It seems that the name of the blog has been justified. Much has been said.

But while browsing some of the online journals that he started to follow recently, it occured to him that he's already 29. A few months more and he'll be turning the big three oh!!

He doesn't really much care about the number. Truth is, it's been said that he'd been looking forward to hitting thirty. He does not get why this is a big issue with other people. From his experience it's just another day. Another number.

Engel does get some of the concerns though. There are people who plan things and get nervous because they still are far from reaching their goals. There are those who expect to have a family before they turn that age and are now scared it may not happen. And of course, there are also alot of people who wants to be successful before they turn thirty. Engel was once one of those.

A few moments ago, he actually wanted to write a plan on things he wants to do, things he needs to accomplish in the next eight months before he turns thirty.

But then he realized why he stopped doing those. Life gets in the way of people's plans.

Engel is happy now.

Why complicate things.

They say, people should think of the long term. It's valid. People should prepare for the future. One never knows what will happen.

Honestly, the only thing Engel's been preparing for is his death. He does not want to inconvenience those he will leave behind with the burden of his death. But other than that, he's fine.

Right now, he only thinks of the present. And why not, he's having fun. He's not alone. He is happy.

Are there things he wish he has but hadn't got? Yes.

But there's still time.

They say that no one really knows when your time's up.

But for Engel, he'd rather die happy than worried.

This is how Engel views life at age 29. Although there is a certainty that things will change.

TALES FROM THE CLOSET

When you haven't outed yourself, you get alot of questions. People specially your family have alot of expectations. Unfortunately some of them want those expectations met.

Sometimes it's frustrating (if this seems familiar, I already wrote this somewhere else and in Filipino).

Tita: Engel, when are you going to get married?
Engel: It might take awhile.
Tita: Aren't you afraid you might get left behind. You're not getting any younger.
Engel: I'm fine. I'm a guy. I'm not worried about having kids.
Engel: And besides, I'm happy where I am right now.
Tita: That's not a good idea. If you get kids when you're older, who do you think will take care of them? When you hit 60 do you think you could still take care of a teenager?
Tita: I'm just worried you won't be able to take care of your children.
Engel: How about you tita, when are you going to get married?
Tita: is offline

**********
Another Tita: Technology's great, yeah.
Engel: Yeah.
Tita: You get to talk to family hundreds of miles away.
Tita: You see their pictures.
Engel: Yup.
Tita: I especially like facebook.
(me thinking to myself uh-oh)
Tita: You get updated with old friends
Tita: Classmates.
Tita: Family.
Engel: Yup. Yup.
Tita: You.
Tita: So I see on your profile you're in a relationship
Engel: ...
Tita: ...
Engel: ...
Tita: ...
Engel: ...
Tita: Aren't you going to tell me about your girlfriend?
Engel: is offline.

**********
Maybe it'll be easier if I just out myself.

TRUST ISSUES

"Do you trust me?" the Kid asked Sunday morning.

I said yes.

It hurts when your lover does it. But it hurts more when a friend does.

**********
Last week, when I went to Boracay, I entrusted the Kid to another couple (let's call them blogger and bf). The firts gay couple that we've befriended. The Kid likes them both as the bf is of the same age range as he is.

We've been friends for awhile now. I think we've met twice before last week, me and the blogger more prior. We've grown accustom to each other as we often chat with each other and joke around. The bf's been inviting the Kid to either the blogger's province or bf's home since we last met with them. And since I'll be away, the Kid decided he'd sleep over the bf's place.

I've been wary about them ever since, specially the blogger. I knew he had a crush on the Kid. Sometimes when we chat, he'd joke around about taking the Kid away from me. I didn't mind because he does that all the time.

**********
Thursday, the Kid met with the couple. Everything was fine. They saw a movie and the Kid's been texting with me and calling me for most of the day and night. So I thought everything was okay.

We met last weekend to celebrate our anniversary. I just woke up and we were about to do it when he asked that question. He told me something happened Friday morning.

It was around 2am. The blogger, bf and the kid were all about to sleep. They've been talking about life, about us. Suddenly, the blogger hugged the kid. He kissed him. And then put his hand inside the Kid's shorts. The kid did so too, but he hesitated. The blogger said it isn't right.

The Kid was crying when he told me the story. He thought this was the end of our relationship.

But I didn't think it was his fault. Blogger should not have done that. What's worse was he did it in front of the bf. The bf didn't mind. He thought that somehow these things are a part of gay relationships.

It's disturbing.

The friendship ended that day. I have forgiven them, but thought it would be better to go our separate ways.

I thought it was hard to find friends. I guess it's harder to trust people now too.

STEP FORWARD

I just came out from the shower when I read the 'kid's' sms. He wants me to give him a call.

And when I did I was surprised when he told me to talk to his friend.

It was a girl.

She said hi. I said hello.

"You must be Kid's guy?" she asked.

"I guess I am," I replied.

"It's nice to hear your voice," she said then she gave the phone back to the kid.

And then our relationship took another step forward. I knew him telling someone about me would be a hard thing to do. I knew it would eventually happen, and I'm fine if it takes him long so I did not expect him to do so this time. I thought he'd wait until he finishes his masters and start work, but I guess he's ready.

And so now I'm smiling. Been doing so for a few hours already.

Can't take the stupid thing off my face.

REMEMBERING

I wrote this when I first met the Kid. Who knew that 7 months after, we'll become a couple. And now, we're about to enter our first year together.

How time flies when you're in love.

***********

One of the rules I've set upon myself in terms of the people I pursue is to not fall for boys much younger than I am. This weekend I broke that rule.

I met Chris last Saturday night and we had a pretty lengthy phone conversation. He's 19 years old, a student and he said that at that moment he was straight. He has a girlfriend, but he was curious about an alternative lifestyle. So he had a few questions which wasn't uncommon for me because when I was the same age those were the questions I was asking myself.

So while being an older brother to the young padwan, I accidentally got the guy to fall for me. Towards the end of the conversation, things turned to something unexpected. He got confused. I'm sure when we started talking he was pretty confident about his sexuality, but by the end not only did I have him question his sexuality, I also made him fall for me. Worse, I fell for the kid.

I have had a bad experience with a kid. I was 23, he was 18 or 19. We rushed into the relationship because we liked how our conversation over the phone. It ended a couple of weeks later with the kid telling me that I have no knowledge of the word love. That was when I said no more kids. And I was doing pretty well. Until now.

Sunday morning I received a message from Chris telling me that he wasn't fully honest with all the details he gave me the night before. He was actually supposed to set me up with his friend as a prank. He said he didn't expect to feel how he felt for me. That wouldv'e been cue for me to let the kid go. But he said he was being honest because he wants to start things right between us.

Last night we had another conversation. I got to know him better. I liked him more, but I noticed he may not really be ready for this kind of lifestyle. I think I was actually pushing him to pursue me.

Anyway I woke up today feeling guilty about what I did last night. I was taking advantage of his confusion. That's not right. In the end, if I pursue the matter, he'd probably end up hating me. If it did work out, I probably would've had him half-baked. Whatever happens I think in the end one of us would end up with a broken heart.

Maybe I was thinking that if I did pursue him, given his situation, he's going to be my responsibility and I may not be ready to have to carry that burden.This morning I said goodbye. It's probably the right thing to do. I just hate that it feels so wrong.

I did the right thing. Right?

ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST

Before anything: this is not my writing. This is the Kid's obviously. I don't have that wide a vocabulary. :)

************************

On the Reality of Human Emotion: One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Movie)

Yesterday I watched One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It’s one of those must-see movies in Rotten Tomatoes. Most film critics even regard it as a cinematic masterpiece.

What I like about the film is its appeal to both ‘form’ and ‘substance’. To me, form pertains to: first, what the film says (the story) and second, how the film says what it says (movie elements like cinematography, screenplay, musical score, etc.) On the other hand, substance pertains to the theme. It answers the question ‘so what’.

In my opinion, the substance of a film is as important as its form. Because film is a form of art, its primary essence is to educate the intellect on the truth about human nature through a material that can be appreciated on its own. Thus, a beautiful film, just like a beautiful painting, can provide its audience with ‘disinterested pleasure’.

The film is about a prisoner who pretended to be mad in order to escape prison work. His unexpected deportation to a mental asylum allowed him to do foolish things that he couldn’t have done in prison. The conflict arises by the time the head nurse controls his behavior in the asylum.

1. Substance of the Film: Human Nature as the Triumph of Emotion

At this point, let us explore the substance of the film or its theme. In this light, I want to claim that the ability of the film to capture essential truths about human nature elevates its artistic value, although its thematic meaning is morally erroneous.

The movie elucidates on the REALITY OF HUMAN NATURE by defining it as the TRIUMPH OF EMOTIONS OVER LOGIC. We can clearly see this in the way the characters and events are packaged in the film.

To understand this position, we have to examine the film characters metaphorically. We can group the major characters into two: the head nurse of the mental hospital and McMurphy (Jack Nicholson’s character).

Firstly, the head nurse symbolizes form and order—human logic. Because it is logic, it has to guide human behavior toward the morally upright. However, the film depicts the head nurse as painfully dull and hypocritical. Because she enforces rigid rules and regulations in the hospital, she directly suppresses the patients’ freedom in doing whatever they want.

On the other hand, McMurphy epitomizes vivacity and boldness—human emotion. He takes things less seriously and does stupid things with great pleasure. Thus, hindering his actions is tantamount to bastardizing his essence as a person that is marked by imperfection.

Therefore, the theme of the film is more clearly shown during the conflicts that arise between the head nurse and McMurphy. The suppression of McMurphy’s foolish actions highlights the ‘un-humanness’ of logic—as embodied through the head nurse.

The thematic reasoning of the film goes like this: WE ARE HUMANS BECAUSE WE ARE IMPERFECT. WE ARE IMPERFECT BECAUSE WE ERR. THIS MARKS OUR HUMAN NATURE.

ALTHOUGH FOLLOWING THE GOOD IS LOGICAL AND MORAL, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO ATTAIN PERFECTION GIVEN OUR NATURE AND CIRCUMSTANCE. THEREFORE, IT IS MORE REALISTIC TO STAY IMPERFECT SINCE THIS CAPTURES OUR HUMANITY.

2. The Truth: Human Transcendence as Human Nature

Thus, it is important to ask: what makes human truly human? Is it our imperfections that make us human or our actions to perfect ourselves?

As we see in science fiction novels and films, what differentiates a robot from a person is human emotion—more specifically, his capacity to love. But as the film opines, the emotion is that which is instinctual since it relates to our natural tendency to seek pleasure and avoid pain—whatever pleasure that is.

The movie’s conception of human freedom is hinged on doing whatever we want without any restriction. This makes the evaluation of human behavior relative to the agent’s own feelings and emotions. In effect, logic may obstruct the pursuit of wants, especially when what is wanted is morally corrupted although emotionally pleasurable. Since we embrace imperfection and succumb to temptations, we herald emotions—thinking that by doing so it elevates our humanity. But is it really the case?

The movie unfortunately fails to consider human transcendence as part of human nature. FREEDOM IS NOT ABOUT DOING WHATEVER WE WANT, BUT DOING WHAT IS GOOD FOR US. PRECISELY BECAUSE WE ARE FREE, WE ARE ABLE TO CONTROL OUR EMOTIONS THROUGH THE USE OF LOGIC, THUS, WE ARE ABLE TO TRANSCEND OUR IMPERFECTION. (The use of logic helps us to discern what is good and what is evil in our actions).

In other words, HUMAN TRANSCENDENCE HELPS US REALIZE OUR NATURAL INCLINATION TOWARD PERFECTION, HOWEVER IMPERFECT WE ARE. Through the intellect, we are able to seek for the truth; and through the will, we are able to do what is good. The pursuit of truth and goodness justifies our natural inclination toward perfection.

In this sense, although human emotion is an essential facet of our humanity, it must be grounded on logic. Inter-personal love, for example, works best when it follows its objective aspect, that is, the bettering of the character of the persons involved. Thus, it can be claimed that feeling the emotion is more fulfilling when we know that it based on righteous human action.

Therefore, it is LOGIC GUIDING EMOTION THAT MARKS TRUE HUMAN NATURE. As the philosopher Boethius said, a human person is an ‘individual substance with rational nature’ (persona est rationalis naturae individua substantia). Let's keep that in mind.

CHECKLIST

On my 29th year I am going to…

Bohol with the Kid to celebrate his birthday
Be more spontaneous
Lose 20 lbs
Open a bank account
Boracay!!!
Be clear of all debts (even if I don’t own a credit card)
Party more
Meet at least 5 new friends
Keep those 5 new friends
Have more sex
Give in to the Kid’s insistence on going to Malate (but just once)
Be a more supportive boyfriend
Buy less comics
Buy only quality video games
Dance more
Get my trinkets from Ruddie and Kane (belated Happy Birthday Rudeboy!!!)
Sing my heart out
Work harder (aim for another promotion, perhaps)
Stop slouching around and start working out
Get my desktop fixed!!!
Look forward to turning 30

This is what’s nice about having two blogs, you get to write as many birthday posts as you want, and it’s fine.

Happy birthday to me!

NINE MONTHS

In nine months...

• I knew how it felt being a teen-ager again
• I received and sent love letters (more received than sent)
• I felt happy finally knowing how it feels when couples argue and fight.
• And I feel happier that all the fighting and arguing are settled
• I became someone's first time
• I learned about philosophy
• And was lectured on saving money
• We've met 'our friends' not just his or mine... but ours
• I am, have been and will always be happy.

He said we shouldn't count. But honestly I don't care. This is the longest relationship I have had. And it's nice.

He may not be with me on my birthday, but he knows, he is already the best birthday gift.