IN 2010...

Before I start yapping about what I'll do in the coming year (which is as of typing, roughly about 4 hours from now) let me just share with you what I've been contemplating about since the week started.

I've been thinking maybe this coming year I need to be with a woman. If ever there is such a thing, make things a little less complicated. Be normal for once. Looking back, the longest relationship I had was with a girl. Maybe I would have better luck with a straight relationship. I mean come on, women are easier to please than guys who have standards. Right?

Anyway, 2010's a few hours away and while almost everyone's preparing for the New Year's party that'll welcome the new decade or the year that'll end the decade (I'm confused), I am here in the office preparing for my work to start. I swear this will be the only time this will happen!!! Ever!!!

I've decided to make a checklist of things that I will be doing this coming year. My 28th year of existence on this planet we call earth.

• Loosen up. Have fun. Bring back the social life I lost when I transferred departments in the office.
• Go to Malate. Experience at least for one night what all the hype is about.
• Don't get stressed too much.
• Go on more dates. Date a girl. Whatever, just date more this year.
• Oh yeah, get my ass promoted!!!
• Travel more this year. Go to Boracay or something.
• Do myself a favor and shape up.
• Cut down on comic book expenses. 6000 pesos a month is just absurd Engel!!!
• If I can't find someone who won't make me sad, find a person who's worth the pain.
• Move out. Anyone in the Makati area looking for a roomie?! I have an xbox!!! :D
• Get started with that epic story I've been plotting for weeks.
• Of course, meet up with the people who've been sharing their lives with me in the blogosphere.
• Smile alot. Be happier.

The even years are most of the time better for me than the odd years. I'm crossing my fingers that it'll prove true again in 2010.

Oh yeah, it's a blue moon tonight. I don't know what's so special about it, but it is rare to have two full moons in one month. Whatever it is, the moon does look especially pretty this evening.

Happy New Year everyone!!!

NEW PERSPECTIVE

I wasn't supposed to go back here until the beginning of the new year. And this post is supposedly written for the other blog. But that idea was scratched. I've already written something similar there, and I guess I owe it to this blog, as it has been the witness to everything I've been through the last few months of the year.

Alot of the good things that happened to me, happened after I opened this new blog.

2009 was steady for Engel. Nothing huge like last year's trip abroad. Or nothing too dramatic like the resignation from a couple of years ago. It's just steady. And steady is good.

I did learn a lot of things this year though. In a way, I've grown some more. Am I a better person though? I'm not sure. I probably have a long way to go, but at least I'm more aware now of who I am and who I want to be.

• This year I was reminded to think things through. There's nothing wrong in jumping blind when it comes to relationships, but before you do, you have to make sure that the jittery feelings you have inside is not just because you're longing for kilig. Infatuation is not the same as love. You may end up hurting someone in the process.
• I learned to trust in myself more. I may not be the best looking guy in the world. I may not be the smartest. The most interesting. I could probably be the most boring guy out there, but there will still be people who will like me for who I am.
  
• Not all risks pay off. But that doesn't mean you won't find anything you'll like about the changes in your life. When things don't seem to go the way you want it to be, change your perspective and where you are might not seem so bad after all.
• Wisdom does not come with age. Some of the things you'll learn in life, you might get from people younger than you. You could be 27 years old, and still be the most immature person in the world.

Yeah, I'm back. I needed some time away because I need to clear my head. I need to rest my heart. I need to have some time for myself.

Thank you for those people who missed me. The ones who appreciated this blog, and this writer. To those who comes back even if I wasn't posting anything. You made it hard for me to leave this home totally. You guys made some of the challenges, trials, pains and heartaches worth it.

Hopefully in the next year, I'll meet all of you finally, who knows.

Happy New Year.

A GOOD RUN

It has been a good run.

Eventually it has to end.

Some things just need to be sorted out first.

But for now the curtain needs to be closed out.

CATCH-UP

I think it's about time Engel writes about the cause of the drama in his life the last few weeks. For one, he thinks he's okay now.

Remember Chris? Engel wrote about this about a couple of months ago, before he even met the ex. He followed some of the people's advice to just forget about his feelings for the kid, but still kept the friendship, as Engel was the cause of the kid's bisexual tendencies to emerge.

He did keep his word. He shoved whatever feelings he had behind him. He even had a boyfriend to show that he's serious in not taking advantage of the kid. And Chris understood. The entire time Engel was hitched, he kept his distance. While they do text and call each other sometimes, there was still a wall between them. A boundary that says they're better off as friends.

Then Engel broke up with ex. That's when things got complicated.

The kid's feelings came back. And being young, he got confused. He tried fighting his feelings for Engel. He's obviously not ready to live an alternative lifestyle. He has a girlfriend. Other than Engel, he doesn't know anyone else who lives like this. He's 19 and he doesn't know what he wants in his life. For all everyone knows, this could just be a phase he'll grow out of.

Engel on the other hand's been fighting feelings that have been wanting to burst out of his chest since the first day he met the kid. He had to fight it because after the break up, he realized he's not yet ready to commit with somebody. Anybody. And pulling Chris in, would be a HUGE mistake.

Long story short, they tried to say goodbye to each other. During those times they felt, and said that they loved each other, but since they both know it's a longshot that they'll end up with each other, to not make the inevitable difficult they decided to end what they had immediately. They said farewell.

Three times.

In one week.

But it seems that what they had for the one month that they knew each other, is something they can't move on from. So one Sunday evening they said hello again.

Things are better now. It's back to normal, although there are days when Engel can't help but get frustrated that things can't be more than what it is. But he's slowly accepting. Right now, they are better off as friends. And although Chris, doesn't say this, Engel knows he feels the same way.

This is not the right time. It is possible that they really aren't even meant for each other. But one thing is for sure, Engel likes where they are right now.

They don't know where things will go from there, but he's sure he'll... they will both be okay. And there's already a strong foundation between them that it'll be difficult to destroy whatever they have.

Oh, and for people who think Engel's got sugar daddy tendencies. Dream on. The kid comes from a well off family.

One thing that's kind of disturbing though, is that Engel for now is better off as a friend. That maybe it's what he's only good for. Being a goddarn friend.

OF LONGINGS AND BEST FRIENDS

In order for us to be genuinely great friends, I think I need to learn how to not miss you.

**********

Last night I was talking to my best friend, and he told me one thing that lightened up my shitty evening.

One of my most attractive straight best friends (he told me to say this, but it's true) has pigsa on his balls.

I know it's painful, but at least now I feel less crappy about my life. So thank you for sacrificing your balls and your pains for my happiness. You're really such an awesome bro!!!

Don't worry I'll never have fantasies about your perfect balls EVER again.

I love you my friend. Hahahaha.

25 MORE

Because Engel can't think of anything decent to write here he decided to just write some more stuff about himself. 25 things about the writer not everyone knows about. One of them's a lie though.

1. Engel is not that fond of watching gay Pinoy indie movies. Alot of them looks like it was written by a teen-ager who's using his little head to do the thinking. The only decent indie movie he saw is "Ang Lihim ni Antonio." And that one's full of unnecessary sex scenes.
2. Engel's love for anything Christmas ended when he graduated from college.
3. Engel has about 30+ perfumes in his closet.
4. Although Engel won't admit it, he's addicted to Pinoy Big Brother Double Up, Showtime and Banana Split.
   
5. He hates Korean pop songs because it sticks in his head. The other day, he was singing I Don't Care the whole day. And it sucks!!!
6. Yeah, Engel's gay but he's got a huge crush on Joanna Garcia (Privileged). He's also attracted to Sam of PBB and there's also this girl in the office who's just eye candy. Too bad she's married and pregnant. But she's sooooooo pretty!!! Like trophy wife pretty.
7. He loves karaoke nights! And he's not afraid to hold the mic even if he can't sing very well.
8. Just because Engel's a junior doesn't necessarily give other people the right to call him Junjun. Ewww.
9. Even if his life depends on it, Engel still won't be able to deliver a well-timed joke. That's why people think him too serious.
10. Engel is currently plotting a huge story which he hopes one day will get published.
    
11. One of his biggest fetish is people's necks. He could stare at nice necks for a whole day.
12. He's never completed simbang gabi. He thinks the moment he steps foot inside a church, he'll burst into flames.
13. The only church though where he's immune from hellfire and brimstone is St. Jude in Mendiola.
14. When Engel was a kid, he almost committed suicide. The reason... his aunt did not make him a cup of coffee.
15. Fireflies by Owl City is so gay!!! But regardless, Engel likes the song.
16. Engel plans to have a big 30th birthday party in about 3 years.
17. He's allergic to dust. So he can't really clean his room because it makes him sick. So he's not really lazy. It's just he's allergic.
18. Engel can sit in front of the pc and read people's blogs for one whole day.
19. Engel can't dance. That's why he doesn't hang out in clubs as much as he'd want to.
20. He doesn't really know how to let out his anger. He just quits liking people who did him wrong.
21. One of his best birthdays was spent in a straight men's bar with his closest male friends.
22. This post is the post that took him the longest to write.
23. Engel enjoys it when people look down on Engel, because he loves seeing their reactions whenever he proves them wrong.
24. It is possible that Engel is not fully allergic to seafood. Tahong does not give him the same effects as crabs or shrimp does when he eats them.
25. This post gave Engel a migraine.
    

FATE

I made a pact to stay single until I'm sure I'm ready to enter a relationship

That's the reason why I don't entertain prospects anymore

But there are people

That no matter how many lines you draw between the two of you

You still can't help but have feelings

No matter how you try and restrain it

How many times you say goodbye

You still find yourself coming back to each other

You try to avoid each other

But he still lingers

**************

The way God's hands work, it's crazy. Why can't things be less complicated. But still, I'm happy. For now.

UPPERS

Last weekend, I officially ended all the drama in my life. I said my peace regarding everything that needs a conclusion. Dried my eyes and I'm ready to smile again. Just need to get myself some uppers though.

Lots and lots of uppers.

More than my following comfort activities.

DVD MARATHON
Enchanted, Slumdog Millionaire and practically and Pixar movie on my collection never fails to make me smile. It makes me tear up a little, but they're feel good movies, so it makes me feel good. Even if it's just a little and even if it's just for a short time. I like films that make me laugh, it makes me forget of my problems for the next hour and a half to two hours. A sort of escape from reality. If the pick is a good movie, it's my stress reliever.

MUSIC
I'd drown myself in the songs of Jon Mclaughlin, James Morrison, Matt White, The Script, Lifehouse, Kings of Leon, Jamie Cullum and Snow Patrol. Yeah, some of the singers are known for being a bit emo, but what can I do, these songs lift my spirit a little. It makes me remember other things that make me happy and in turn distract me from my worries. Any good music you guys could recommend me listen to?

FOOD
Ice cream and pizza mostly. Well, ice cream makes me happy. To hell with the calories and whatever eating brings If I'm depressed I'll go ahead and pig out. It might make me feel worse in the end, but at least I'm happy. I guess that's what's important right? Happiness. Drowning out the sorrow. Letting go. My budget til the next salary's keeping me from buying the food I like, so for now, I make do with coco jam and wheat bread.

BLOGGING
Well not really that much now. The blogosphere's just filled with drama this past few weeks that it's affecting my mood. Not much in a positive way. It's good that I'm fairing better than some of the other writers out there, but still you can only deal with too much drama. But normally, If I want to perk myself up I open up other people's blogs if only to find something to nitpick a writer's grammar (kidding big time!!!). No really, it feels awesome to know that good things come to good people. Gives me hope something similar will happen to me.

HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS
Just having someone to talk to is nice. A shoulder to lean my head on. Someone who'll listen to me rant about my lack of a lovelife. Or someone who'll just compete with me on whose life sucks more. They say you have the greatest friends when the only time they make you cry is when you're laughing so hard. That's what my friends are. It actually doesn't matter that none of them are like me, it just feels great being with them.

Any more uppers you can think of to help me? That'd be awesome.

SAYING GOODBYE

The week that went by, in a word, was crappy. From the confusion from the break up, to all the stress that's caused by my new job (can't even browse the web during office hours because of all the tasks needed to be done), and lastly having to go through a heartbreak three times over the course of the last five days.

The heartbreak came not in ending a relationship. The heartbreak is because we had to end a wonderful friendship. This was a mutual understanding because things got so complicated between the two of us. Until this, I never knew how difficult going through a real heartbreak is. Specially when you both decide to end it, not because you hate each other, but because you both love each other so much you need to give way for the other to be happy.

Losing a great friend is always harder than having to go through a break up. It may be only a temporary thing, but when that person occupied a huge part of your heart, it's devastating. But from the start, when we started the relationship, we agreed we will do what is right. And if letting go is what will make that person happy, then I will give way.

I'm an eternal optimist, and I'm sure in time, I will be fine. But these days, I feel that all my tomorrows will be gray.

If there ever was a thing that I regret about the whole thing last night, it's that I wasn't able to properly say goodbye. I didn't want to cry again, that's what I've been doing since Wednesday. I hope my friend will be reading this, because this is the best way for me to say goodbye.

Every moment I spent with you, no matter how light or how heavy our conversations were, no matter how drama, emo, cheesy or crazy they all were, every one of those I'll keep in my heart. You make me happy and I will never ever forget you. I will miss all the long talks, all the kwento, corny jokes and the games we play over the phone.

Although we decided to part ways for the meantime, I will always be your friend. I will be here whenever you need someone to talk to. I look forward to the day when everything will be clear and we can go back to the way we used to be. No complications, only genuine friendship.

I wish you nothing but happiness. With or without me, I hope life will be good. I want you to enjoy your life. And I look forward to the day when you find out what you want in your life, even if that does not include me. Don't think of how people will see you, just do what makes you happy. And may you find the person that will complete you.

Just remember, I will always love you. Don't worry too much about me, like I promised I will be okay. It may take some time, but I'll get there. We will get there.

Thank you that even for a short time, you shared your life with me.

I look forward until the time we meet again.

Goodbye.

NOT SOURGRAPING

This may sound abit like sourgraping, but it's not. But Engel wants to write something light again. Backreading this blog this past few days he's realized he's been writing heavy stuff. He needs to lighten up a bit. Bring back his old self. He doesn't want to be too depressing. People get that from school, work, news and he doesn't want bloghopping to be sad too.

So this post will be about the reason why Engel decided why it is better to have stayed single.

You see, Engel for most of the day is an optimist. He won't deny once PMS hits him, he'd sometimes think it's nice to be with a partner. But that doesn't mean he does not appreciate the alone time. He does. Remember, he broke up with his ex because he preferred to be alone. It's got it's perks too.

He wrote about this once. It may be redundant, but sometimes people need to reinforce the things in their lives that make them happy.

FREEDOM
This is the first thing you lose once you decide to get hitched. You don't need to ask permission to go out with a friend. No need to tell someone what you're doing all the time. "I'm about to sleep. Eat. Go to work. I'm in the bus. I'm in the cab. Still in the cab. I'm about to start working. I'm going to pee. Take a crap. Whatever."

BUDGET
Not that Engel's stingy, because he's not. One time he spent alot of money to make the boy he likes happy (not in a sugar daddy kind of way, really). But it's nice to have your money for yourself. Not that the dates were expensive, they only ate out at Jollibee every breakfast. Dates are nice, and picking out gifts for the partner is even nicer, but sometimes it's also great to have money so you could buy that nice pair of shoes you've been drooling over for the last few months.

It's been two hours and Engel can't think of anything more. He knows there's more. And there probably is. But he decided he'll just do a part two some other time.

***********
On a different note, Engel's been stressing out the past two days (because of an entirely different reason which now is not the right time to be telling). The problem is, he can't find a person to tell it to. And it's giving him a huge migraine. He was good at separating his work and personal problems, but yesterday was the breaking point.

He's been making decisions by himself and maybe that's why he's making mistakes. He finds it difficult not having someone to talk to who understands.

So for what it's worth, Engel wants to take this time to thank Ternie for listening yesterday and giving sound advise. Appreciate it. A lot.

PONDERING

Maybe he's been unfair. Maybe he was a jerk. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he doesn't deserve to be loved. But as of right now, Engel isn't ready for a relationship. He's not Mr. Right. Just Mr. Right Now.

Funny indeed that just a few months ago he was all ready to be in a relationship, but when the commitment came, things changed. He longed for solitude. He felt pressured. He felt something wasn't right.

Yeah, quitting may be the harshest thing to do, he could always try to reciprocate the love. And he would, but the thing is, Engel realized that at that moment, at this time, he's still not ready to give up the freedom that being single gives.

You can always say you're ready, but it's really different when you're there. Maybe that's what happens when you just jump into something you're not sure of. When you don't think. You think you're ready, but you realize you're not. It was fun. But then you realize that it's not enough. You realize that love's not all it's hyped up to be. That it takes alot of work, and you need to be fully committed. And questions begin to rise. Do you really love him? Are you giving enough? Are you really able to commit fully? Will you make your partner happy?

All he knows is, it didn't feel right. The decision to give up is not easy. It's never easy. You're the one who'll break a heart. People will think you're the bad guy. The reasons wouldn't be easy to understand, and there is a chance you'll end up regretting your decision.

But to be honest, Engel thinks that it is the right thing to do.

So yeah, he's single again. And it may be awhile before he commits again. If there would even be someone who'd think he's deserving to be loved.