ASSUMPTIONS

A recent conversation with some friends got me thinking of some of my most embarassing moments.

It was way back when I was still renting in Marikina. You see, I used to travel from apartment to our home on weekends. But there was this one night that I had to go home late because of some gimmick I went to with my housemates.

I didn't want to take the bus back because it was a very long ride from Cubao to Baclaran. And I had to run from LRT2 to the MRT to reach the last ride.

Fortunately, I made it. And as it was the last train for the night, the cart was practically empty. A station later, a guy came in. He's cute if you're into guys who look like strippers. He certainly dressed like one. I still remember he's wearing a black see-through sleeveless shirt.

Upon entering, we immediately made eye contact. I was not into the guy, but apparently for him it may have meant that I was. So, in the midst of an almost empty cart he decided to stand up in front of me. It was a very uncomfortable ride. Me, seated, and his growing cock starign right back at me.

Station after station people started going down, yet he still did not move. I was afraid to look at the guy because he might take it as a sign that I'm into him.

But the moment I did, I saw him immediately purse his lips. Did he signal me to give him a kiss? Did I look obvious that night? Did I look like the type who'd make out with a guy who makes out with people he meets on a train?

I am now. But four years ago, I was the virginal type. I gave him a look of disgust. But he still pursed his lips, pointing towards my crotch.

That time I got really scared so I left my seat and transferred a couple of benches away from him. After Buendia Station, he sat beside me.

He whispered, "butas brief mo. Bukas din ang zipper mo." He smiled, then got off on Magallanes.

So that's why he was pointing his lips on my crotch.

Yes, I wear holey undies. I'm an exhibitionist that way.

200

A few weeks ago, I went to the office clinic to undergo our company's Annual Physical Examination.

This is a standard procedure with the company to allow us employees to enter the office premises. We have to be deemed fit to work.

This is a normal procedure. ECG, eye test, blood pressure, cholesterol, urine, stool, AIDS, the whole naked thing where the doctor asks you to pull down your shorts and spread open your ass. I knew I have normal stats so I was fine with it.

But that day was especially depressing for me. It was something dreadful. No, I was not molested in a previous check-up (for me, it wouldn't be traumatic, I'd probably look forward to being thoroughly checked by my doctor). Anyway, what I was afraid of, what I was truly dreadful of during the day is stepping on the scales.

It's been months since I've weighed myself.

I knew I have been careless regarding my body. I went to Boracay during the summer and only took off my shirt when I'm waste deep in water. I've been fat. But what I did not realize is that I really haven't taken care of my health in a very long time. This was when I said that my sole goal for the year was to lose weight.

My jaw dropped as soon as I saw the scale point to a dreadful number. 201.

The heaviest I've been my entire life.

I'm not a tall guy so seeing that number was painful. I'm no longer just chubby or stocky. I'm FAT bordering on obese.

I have been on a downward spiral. I can't put my socks on properly. I didn't want to look at the mirror. Half of my pants, I can't button anymore, even more with my business attire. I pull my shoulders up, and I look like the Nutty Professor. After we went to Boracay, I untagged myself in alot of my friend's photos. I didn't want to have my picture taken. My profile picture in facebook was from three years ago during my trip overseas.

I became a pig. And that was unacceptable.

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Honestly, I don't really make a huge deal in terms of my weight. I thought I had a partner who accepts me for who I am and not how I look physically. The Kid would tell me to try to lose weight, but when we're out on dates the Kid usually hand me those he can't finish.

My parents don't really help that much also. Whenever I tell them I'm going on a diet, that's when they usually feed me all my favorite food. Caldereta. Pork Steak. Carbonara. Beef with Mushroom. Yang Chow Rice.

Sabotage!!!

It usually takes me 2 days to end the diet stage.

Work didn't help as well. Since accepting a different role at work last year, I never really had the chance to tread the path of the fit and healthy. Twice or thrice, sometimes the whole week we'd feast on the fast food dinners. Army Navy burgers, Amber's, Chickboy, Mercatto, Banchetto, Salcedo Market, Yellow Cab, Jollibee, 2 piece Mini Stop chicken, McDonald's, KFC, homemade oily fatty viands, anything that will get your cholesterol level to dangerous levels we tried out.

I bought Kinect for XBox to have an exercise. But it took me only two months to give up on it. The console haven't really been played with after my birthday party five months ago.

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A few days after, I decided to stop eating rice. Whenever I felt the need to eat, I go straight to my room and sleep it off. I started drinking alot of water. You could say I went on a crash diet. I know it's not really healthy, but I needed to start somewhere.

When I shed off my first few pounds, that's when I started eating again. Rice meals became spoonfuls a day. I said goodbye to junk food and chocolates. I started drinking fruit smoothies and eating fruits. I still drink alot of water.

For about a month, I did not order pizza (which before was done almost weekly). I lessened hanging out with my officemates during lunch break and opted against whenever they wanted to eat outside. Eating breakfast at McDonald's meant just ordering a couple of pancakes and not the longanisa meal with sausage mcmuffin.

This went on for days, until I finally am able to survive a day without putting rice in my mouth. I learned the art of discipline. I don't eat before I sleep anymore. And I usually can get by a day with only a couple of bananas in my stomach. I still indulge myself with pizza or burgers or ice cream, but only once during the weekends. My thoughts, depriving myself on the things I like will only make me want to have it more.

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My efforts have been productive. People have been noticing that I've shed some pounds. Last week I was able to wear again some of the polo's that I haven't worn since last year. These days when I see myself in the mirror I don't see a look of disgust in my face anymore. Believe it or not, there are even days when I feel sexy.

Yesterday morning I went again on a scale. I have already lost 21 pounds. I smiled.

I'm far from getting to my goal. There's still a lot to do and diet alone is not going to cut it.

I am writing this so I will remember everything that I've gained. So when the day comes that I want to quit, it will remind me what I have achieved and that I should not waste it.

Preparing for work this afternoon, I tried to button my pants. For the first time in a very long time I was able to close it.

I want to remember how it felt.

QUICK HITS XI

I feel that I've been outdated in the pink blog universe. Well, it's more of the general blog universe. It's like everyone's moved on except for me. People are now in relationships, people have broken up. People are happier. Gay people are getting married. And there are those who've given up. Oh, and there are all those new people writing their hearts out.

Where have I been when all that happened?

I don't know most of the people that I read anymore. And those I know, I can't find them. Their blogs are either closed or in private (yes it's you Iurico!!!).

I know the relationship's got me sidetracked from my blog life. And it's fine. It's all good. It's just sometimes when I'm having my me-time, I'd like to be somewhere familiar. And lately, it seems that the blog world isn't a place I recognize anymore.

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I know you're probably sick and tired of reading about Engel's blossoming lovelife. It's status quo as of writing and I think that's not going to change anytime soon. But assuming you're interested, let me update you on what's going in the other aspects of my life.

• There have been a few opportunities that have come my way recently, career-wise that I'm thinking of. I've been semi-promoted as an assistant lead for my team and am considering whether to take another step forward in my career ladder. Only hindrance is the panel business presentation required to move on. I'm no good in panel interviews. Scares the shit out of me.



• It's been awhile since I last met a new friend/acquaintance. I haven't been socializing very much these days. Financial reasons mostly. I blame promotion. Higher income means higher taxes. Unfortunately, my new pay just crossed the new tax bracket. That basically means I'm earning less than I did when I wasn't promoted yet. My money's just enough to cover my bills and dates with the Kid.



• On the plus side of the above, less money means I have less budget on food. Meaning no more unscheduled pizza delivery orders. No more budget to buy cake and ice cream when I'm craving. Long story short, I've lost weight. I'm practically fulfilling my lone goal for the year. Now if I could only find the energy, time and inspiration to go back to the gym.

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Before I forget, let me just give my belated greetings to a few of my blog friends.

KANE - I hope you enjoyed your birthday last weekend. My apologies for the late greeting. I know I've already said my excuse, but that's not enough after everything you've done the past year for me. Sincerely, thank you for being a good friend.

ALTERJAHN - Belated happy birthday to you as well. I will never forget what you gave me the day we met. I may not know what that food is called, but it was the thought that I'll always remember.

GEEK - Belated happy birthday to you as well. I appreciate the regular visit even if it's done very rarely these days.