TWO MONTHS IN

If there's one thing that scares me at this moment, it's to have another failed relationship.

Don't get me wrong, we're not on the rocks or anything. I'm quite happy and content with what we have. I go to sleep smiling, and that same smile's pasted on my lips every time I wake up (and that's not just because I have a new PS3).

I trust the kid. I know and I feel that what he has for me, it's genuine. And right now, I'm confident that this will be a long and happy relationship. We make plans for the future (and he hasn't even graduated yet).

But being born on February, crazy insecure me sometimes linger in thought. For no reason at all, some things bother me.

Fact: he is a kid. At nineteen, when you're in love you'd think that what you have at the moment is the one thing you've wanted all your life. What if one day he wakes up, and he decides, it's not enough? I'm not enough.

It scares me to think that that day will come. And it might. But that was the risk I took the day I decided to continue being his friend nine months ago. When after all the shit he put me through after Christmas, I still took him back. That after he almost broke my heart a few months ago, we still became a couple.

The fear could be a fact. I may just be paranoid.

But like I told my friend Kane, even if there is a possibility that it will happen, it doesn't mean that I'll just give up and give him a reason to leave me.

I've been saying, he could be the one. Two months in, and nothing's changed. Scratch that. There is one thing: I love him more.

OVER THE OBSESSION

How do you know you've moved on?

**********
Last Saturday night while in the middle of having dinner with some blog friends, I saw a familiar face.

He's cute. No, he's handsome. Emanates a sexiness, that was all too familiar. He's attractive, no doubt, but that was not the reason why I kept glancing back his way. I know that laugh. I know that face.

It took me a good five minutes to finally remember.

The guy I saw was Jason.

Once upon a time he was my obsession. I stalked the guy after something happened between us. After that steamy afternoon in my room. After my grandmother caught us in the middle of doing the dirty deed.

I still remember when his birthday is. That for two years, I anonymously sent him birthday texts, and call his landline just to hang up (I know, I was such a loser back then).

It all came back when I finally remembered who he is.

And all I could think about...

Meh.

**********
He was one of the two UP graduates who made me cry. Who in a way broke my heart. I thought I'd feel something again after that.

But there's nothing.

I guess that's how you know you've moved on.

GEEEEEEEEEK!!!

Engel is excited for the weekend.

He's gonna buy something he's been drooling over since 2008.

He's gonna be bankrupt for one month.

But it doesn't matter.

He's going to have so much fun!!!

It's shallow.

It's geeky.

But Engel really likes it.

Something to get him restless over the next weekends.

Orgasmic.

But definitely not better than sex.

So just what is it that he's gonna have?









Engel's gonna buy Playstation 3.

Yeah, I'm really babaw like that!!!

KEEPER

I showed a friend a few pictures of 'the kid'. Yeah, I've been bragging to a few friends of mine about my current relationship. I can't help it, I'm proud of 'the kid'.

Anyway, my friend told me he's a keeper. I agreed. Because he is.

But that got me thinking, how can you tell if someone really is a keeper?

The shallow Engel would say, if he's good looking, has a well sculpted body, has a car or if he's a celebrity. Yeah, I got there a trophy boyfriend. But are those really enough for you to say that a guy is a keeper?

Here are some of the things I look for in a guy for him to be a keeper.

THE SMARTS
I admit, I'm not really super intelligent. I am smart in my own way, but I have yet a lot to learn. So if a guy I am seeing gets my head thinking, yeah for me he's a keeper. I like to learn new things, it keeps me from getting bored. I like that sometimes the kid gives me a lecture on philosophy. I get nosebleed sometimes, but I feel I also get more enlightened.

EXCITING
Like I said, I get bored easy. Maybe that's why before, my relationships had deadlines. After we became a couple, nothing new happens. The relationships fell in routines that sometimes get suffocating. If a guy can get me excited at something, yeah I'm never going to let him go. A spontaneous date out-of-town, enlisting both of us in a fun activity, experimental in bed, if a guy is willing to do something out of the ordinary for the relationship, yeah he's a keeper.

HE HAS TIME
A guy who's willing and able to set aside things so he'd be able to spend time with me is something I'd really really appreciate in a partner. I don't really care if he remembers our 'saries' (month or anniver), what's important is that I get to have quality time with my partner. I'm not a spoiled brat who'd ask a guy to spend a whole weekend with me. I know outside of the relationship people have other lives/friends/family too so I won't go in between them. But it would be great if he could initiate alotting some time so we could be together.

PATIENCE AND A CERTAIN MATURITY
I'm an only child born in the month of February. So I'm a little bit not right in the head. I have tantrums sometimes. There are times I get paranoid. I'm crazy whenever the moon is full. If he has the patience to tolerate these sides of me, then he's absolutely a keeper. As much as possible I avoid being a brat, but there are times when my emotions get the better of me. Sometimes I have 'sumpong' and it often leads to fights. For me, a keeper would just let me vent out, give me time to cool down then talk to me. I know when I make a mistake, I know how to say sorry, I know when I'm at fault. If he still sticks with me after I show my ugly side, then yeah my heart will be his always.


Honestly speaking, the kid doesn't have all of those traits. Specially now that school's getting more and more stressful for him. I don't really mind that. He knows his shortcomings and he makes up for it whenever he can. The relationship is still new, and we still have a lot to learn about each other. But for me he is a keeper, because I know he loves me, and right now that's more than enough.

How about you, tell us what makes a guy a keeper?

QUICK HITS VI

OF CHEESE...
I have been avoiding writing cheesy posts here. I have been a reader of cheesy posts from other bloggers, and I almost always want to puke whenever I read them. I don't know if it's the cheese or if deep inside I'm just jealous, but you know what I mean. Sometimes too much cheese isn't that appealling of a read.

But I want to post something sweet. I really do. You know how I don't have that much PLU friends in the real world. The ones I'm close to, I don't get to talk to regularly. And the friends that I can talk to about it, doesn't really understand my situation at all. Yeah, they're happy for me, but they could only take in as much details.

So forgive me if at times I'd be cheesy. You're the only ones who understand.

...CLOSET BLOGGERS...
You know how I maintain two blogs. This one and my straight alter ego. Both ones I have different sets of blog friends. Well, recently I found out that a couple of the straight blogs I follow are owned by not so straight writers.

Blogger 1 is an online crush that I've been following for years. I have not seen his face as he always removes it whenever he posts one on his home. But I'm pretty sure that he's hot. He's got that boy-next-door feel to the pics he has posted. Oh and he's a crooner too. I just don't flirt too much with him because a friend of mine already claims the blogger as his. Even if they really don't know one another.

Blogger 2 is another 'straight' blogger that I stalked for a time. He was funny, witty and writes really straightly. When he outed himself a few weeks ago, it really came as a shock to me because apparently I know his not-so-straight alter ego.

Anyway, this got me doubting if some of the other straight bloggers I follow are really straight. Whenever I follow a straight blogger, I don't put doubts about their sexuality immediately. It's their writing that interest me initially. Call me naive, but I don't put malice on these bloggers unless the signs are too much.

So now it gets me thinking if the straight, single, sensitive male bloggers I've been following are really straight.

But then again, who am I to judge, I effin' have one.

...AND THE RELATIONSHIP
Who knew that making a relationship work requires alot of patience. I mean a LOT!

You have to be understanding, for one because his time is divided between you and school. And I don't want to demand more because I don't want to become a hindrance for him to get that latin honors he wants and so rightly deserves. And I also don't want to make him feel that I'm grabbing him by the neck. But then that also means the time we have with each other is limited. Sometimes I wish time would move quickly so he'll have more time with me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I miss him.

So much.

Sigh.

FIVE YEARS AGO

- I was a Team Leader for a call center in Ortigas.
- I was not overweight
- the biggest problem I had was having an agent not coming to work or not performing
- I didn't care how I look, except if our bosses come to the office
- I only blog on friendster
- I still had friendster
- I have never heard the term work-life balance
- my goal was to buy a bottle of cologne at least once every quarter
- my best friends in the world were just my colleagues
- it is an unforgivable sin if I miss on buying a comic book
- I'm not sure if I had sex that whole year five years ago
- there was no one else in my mind but Joy
- I started experiencing quarter life crisis
- living alone away from the comforts of my own home was the last thing on my mind.

Maybe alot's changed five years ago as compared to now. Am I a better person after all these years? I don't know.

There are things that I was better at five years ago.

But there's one thing I am pretty sure of, I have grown up.