DAY THREE

One of the hardest thing to write about when you're a blogger, is admitting you lied. What I wrote about the last post was a lie. When I wrote about the muse being gone, that was the truth.

But I actually have no intention of writing for this blog anymore.

I'm closing down Engel's Tell All.

I wish I could write a reason that would make sense as to why I came up with this decision, but I can't. I just woke up today, not having any drive to update this anymore.

Maybe it's already served it's purpose. Maybe I've already said all I wanted to say. Maybe I'm just going with the trend of closing down blogs. Whatever it is, I have lost any more reasons to post anything else in this blog I called home for the last seven months.

But I wanted to post one more time so I can leave properly.

One of my reasons for starting the tell all was to meet people like me. People who understand what I'm going through. And I did. I met alot of awesome people. Wise men. Cool guys. Boys that are hot. I even dated a blogger, so in terms of achieving the goal I have done so and actually got more. I became friends with them.

So to all of you, I say thank you. Writing the tell all was one of the best decisions I made. And meeting all of the people who read, commented, disagreed, and passed by this blog was the best reward. 18000 hits, 100 followers, I don't think I deserved all of it. So THANK YOU. Words cannot describe how much I appreciate letting me in your lives even if its just by sharing yours through your blogs. It's nice to know you're not alone.

I'm sure you're not going to miss me. This blog may not be updated anymore, but I'll still be around. Reading. Commenting. I won't be gone.

I am a blogger.

The hardest thing to write when you are a blogger: saying goodbye.

THE MUSE

is gone...


Engel is on self imposed blog leave.

will see you again once the muse returns

if it returns.

DAY TWO

Because of changes at work, for the rest of the month I'll be coming in to work an hour early. While that's fine because of the taxi reimbursement and everything, I don't like the shorter hours of sleep.

So anyway, being the model employee that I am, I decided to come to work a few hours earlier. If you're thinking this is another one of those CR moments, you're a pervert.

Anyway, knowing me, I can't stay inside the office for two hours doing nothing so I decided to go out and hang out in the nearest Starbucks.

For a payday Monday and a rush hour at that, the cafe I went to was surprisingly empty. Save for this cute girl reading Mitch Albom's Have A Little Faith. She was alone outside with her little book and kinda looked bored.

I've read parts of the book, and found some of it a little bit too preachy that's why I'm only a quarter through it. A month and a half after I bought it. She was almost at the end.

Anyway, I thought, it's been awhile since I talked to random strangers. Even longer to flirt with a girl. So I decided to do a Day Two.

Approach a random stranger and talk to her. Maybe flirt a little.

So I sat by the table beside hers. She was actually prettier up close. I like her nose. It's pointed, although she doesn't look like she's a half-blood. But she really has this nice pointed, semi-spanishy nose. She's not mestiza. Just fair. Probably from La Salle, I don't know. She's got that La Sallite feel the way she drinks her coffee.

So anyway, I decided to make my move. I mean I look decent today. Smelled of Guess Man. So I was at least presentable.

"That's Mitch Albom's newest book, right?" I asked.

She hesitated to answer. She looked around, checked if I was talking to someone else. But it was just the two of us.

She looked at me, kinda irritated. But she answered my question with a nod.

"I have a copy of one, but haven't finished it yet. Is it any good?"

She just looked at me, closed her book, packed up and left.

So there goes my day two. Attempt flirting with a girl and get dumped.

Epic fail, right?

PEX

Been thinking of something to write about. Don't want to stress too much about it. So what I did to find inspiration is to lurk around the internet. And my lurking brought me to Pinoyexchange.

I've been a member of Pinoyexchange or pex since college. Heck, this is how I found out about blogging. Where I met my first internet turned real friend. This site is a public forum where people throw about their ideas and opinions about different things. Alternative lifestyles. Sports. College Life. Books. Hobbies. Network Wars. Sex and all different kind of things.

Anyway, so I was reading on some of the topics on the Alternative Lifestyle thread and thought, maybe I could put some of my opinions here on my blog.

PUERTO GALERA THREADS
I don't get the Puerto Galera and gays thing. I've been to Galera like four or five times. And I've never encountered PLU's there. Maybe because I wasn't looking. But I've read and heard that Galera's a haven for PLUs. Sure there are alot of hot guys there and all, but never encountered anything kinky in Galera. Or maybe my gaydar's broken. Or I'm just not hot. Whatever, I really don't get gays and Puerto Galera.

INCEST THREAD
There was a topic there called I Blowjob My Cousin. It's a pretty popular thread. Fortunately, I've never had that experience. I admit I read that thread because some of the posts there are kinda hot. But it's still just wrong. It's like promoting molesting relatives. I'm not going to go preachy about it because there are times when I entertain the thought of doing something with my cousin who looks like a hotter version of Borgy Manotoc. But still, I'd keep it private (well not now, obviously). But if ever something like that happens I'm just going to keep it to myself. Anyway, I'm not even sure if some of those posts are true.

YUMMY CONSTRUCTION WORKERS, TRICYCLE DRIVERS
Really? Have yet to meet one. Anyway I thought those threads were hilarious. I mean, I respect their tastes, as we all vary when it comes to that. I just find it funny that there are people who stalk tricycle drivers and construction workers. Oh and there was even this one thread where posters were stalking a guy from an underpass in Recto. That was funny.

LOVE STORIES
I like romantic posts. There are posts about meeting their true loves. There were stories of failed relationships. Of people wanting to meet the right guy. May December love affairs. Stories of guys falling in love with straight men. All the happy and sad love stories you could ever imagine has been posted in pex. But the one thing I've noticed is that on alot of those stories, people can't seem to take out in their stories are sex. I mean you're almost falling for the poster writing their sob story, and then bam, they write about it. Like every little detail of it. Yeah, it's OA but there are posts like that. Makes me think, are all gay people testosterone driven?

I don't mean to offend anyone as I'm pretty sure there are a number of bloggers who have an account in pex. But I just find some of the posts there hilarious. Sexy and hot... but hilarious.

MY TWO CENTS

Let me rant for a little.

I'm not picking a fight with anyone. I'm just airing my say on the matter.

There was just an opinion that was given on my previous post that was a little off for me. It's not offensive, and I think it was not meant to take seriously. But the thing is, I kind of disagree with what was said. Specially because it was kind of a comment to a post that I wrote. I'm not angry or anything, it was one guy's opinion, and I respect that.

G4M, for all intents and purposes was a site that was meant for guys to meet other guys. While initially it's a dating site, it's become a site for people to get hook-ups. I may be generalizing things, and it is possible to meet real friends from that site, but with my very limited experience of joining that site a few years ago, all the people who messaged me were just looking for either a one night stand, fuck buddy or a quickie. I've never met a friend from that site. Or it could just be me. I don't know. Never stayed there long enough to find out.

Now, the comment was a little off for me, not because it was offensive. Because it was not. It was off for me because it was comparing the blogworld to a site that was notorious for it's reputation.

Bloggers (regardless of sexual preference) create their sites to air out their opinions. To express how happy they are, how depressed, how angry, how in love they are. They show their feelings with what they write. If they meet people who they have alot in common with, then that's just an icing on the cake.

Now, I'm being a hypocrite if I say that I did not create this so I could meet people. Because I've been saying this alot even when I started writing. I wanted to meet more people like me. Not because I want a hook-up. Or a quickie. Or a one night stand. I wanted to meet other PLU's because for most of my life I've been living a life inside the closet. And there came a time when I wanted to tell someone about myself, and I found no one who understood what I was going through. My entire life, I only had one gay friend. And that was not enough. Hence, this blog was born.

So forgive me if I had a bone to pick on that particular comment. I'm kind of a loner, so I get excited if I meet new people. People who are welcoming. People who are okay with becoming friends with me. There's nothing malicious behind what I do. If someone sends me a naked picture of himself, well that's great. A perk of being friendly. But believe me, I did not ask for it.

I guess I'm just disappointed that there are people who doubts the sincerity of other people. Regardless if it's in making friends or anything else. It's like there are no sincere people in the world.

That's just my two cents.

OUTSIDE THE BLOG

So I told myself that this year, I will try to expand my circle of friends. Meet more people. Socialize, I guess is the right term.

I didn't have any other means to do meet-ups with other people, as I don't have an account with the dating sites (which for me seems more of a booking site). So I decided to talk to those who post means to communicate with outside their respective blogs.

Those who display their emails or ym id's on their blogs. Or those who have taken the initiative to chat me up.

One thing I have learned is that alot of bloggers I know got disappointed when I didn't write about them on one of my posts. The ones who I wanted to meet. I knew that coming in, but I didn't realize that it affected some people more than I thought it would. So I'm sorry for that. Anyway, it doesn't necessarily mean that I don't want to meet those people. Because if I write all of them down, I might as well just name everyone on my Daily Reads List or those I follow. But still, my apologies for not being too considerate.

Anyway, after about 7 months of blogging here, I've finally chatted or texted or spoke with quite a number of people I consider blog friends already. And this post is to write about my impressions about them. No names though, since "the who" posts are popular these days.

BLOGGER 1
Latest person I got to chat with. Just today actually. Although I added him up I think a few days ago. Was actually surprised he accepted the request. Thought of him as the type who ignore no-namers like myself. Had that perception of good-looking bloggers. Was more surprised at how pleasant our conversation was. Did not expect him to be perky, as some of the posts I read from his blog were kinda sad, or emo, or melancholic. Did not expect to chat with a happy person. And a welcoming happy person at that. I have noticed that he's referenced some Gossip Girl style in his writing, but only now did I realize that alot of his posts referenced the show's style. Looking forward to meet this blogger in person, actually. Even if he's not on my list. Hope that happens.

BLOGGER 2
I also just met him today. But he was the one who stalked me. Been an avid fan of his blog, although he doesn't post too much anymore. I think he's busy with school stuff. He's cool. Another person who surprised me alot. As in alot. Specially because he sent me a naked picture of himself (which I did not open because there were alot of people at home). Anyway, I liked this blogger (regardless there was a picture sent or not) because I think he's smart. I enjoyed our conversations over the chatroom or even the phone. It was light. It was pleasant. Something I needed to get over the melancholy I felt over the weekend.

BLOGGER 3
Is the one of the nicest bloggers I know. When I first met him, he was like depressed or sad. I think he almost deleted his blog because of this. Good thing someone made him see the light. I like that he opened up to me even if we only just met. I appreciate the trust he gave me. We don't get to talk alot though, because of our schedules, but he's really nice. He was the first one to point out his disappointment at not being on my list of people I wanted to meet. But then again, I was not in his list of online crushes, so we're even. I do know his online crushes though. But I'm not going to tell. I'm a secret-keeper.

BLOGGER 4
Is a new blogger. Or an old blogger with a new blog. I'm not really sure as he wouldn't tell me what his old blog was. I'm not really that close to the blogger as like I said he's relatively new, but he did say though that I have read his straight blog. I'm not sure. But he's fun to talk to. Although I'm not really sure if we would get along, because we usually run out of things to talk about. It might be that he's working, or that I'm just boring. But yeah, there are dead air moments when we talk. But his profile picture in YM seemed inviting. Not that I'm looking for a hook-up or anything, because this is not the right venue. I'm just saying.

BLOGGER 5
I've been reading his blog for quite awhile now. I think since I started this one. I was actually scared at first to chat him up as he seems to be the type of person that I would never get along with. He SEEMED loaded, and tactless and for awhile thought he could be a bully. What with the comments he often leaves in my posts. Was surprised that he actually wasn't. And that he knows alot about me. What I look like, etc. Someone spilled the beans about me!!! It doesn't matter. The conversation was kinda fun. I still think he's LOADED. But the tactless thing, I think he's doing that for fun and not to insult people. He's kinda likeable, really. I'm not sure though, as we've only talked once.

BLOGGER 6
I'm feeling really guilty forgetting about this blogger. Ever since he has been really nice to me, even if he doesn't leave his two cents in my posts. He's even named this blog as one of his favorites of last year, and he still hasn't been in my bloglist. Yeah, I know I'm such an ass. Regardless, I like this blogger, even if I don't know him that well, I am sure we have one thing in common, the school we came from. So there's that. And I think he's the next person I'll meet, if only to pick up my birthday gift from him. Yeah, I know. I'm a jerk.

Well, these are just my first impressions. And they do tend to change after awhile. But we'll see.

THE ANSWERS

As promised: the answer to the questions from a few posts ago:

From John Stanley:
Anong nakita mo sa latest ex-partner mo?

- Okay. To be fair, when I was with my ex I really felt na minahal niya ako. Although it was a whirlwind relationship, I didn't feel that it was one. But the fact remains, mabilis yung nangyari. And merong mga bagay na I overlooked. That made me think it wasn't going to work out para sa akin. Now what I saw in my ex. It's not really what I saw but what I felt. Feeling ko naman sincere siya sa lahat ng sinabi niya. It's just that I was not the right guy for him. He deserves to love someone who loves him just as much as he gives.

From Rom (who does not have a blog... yet)
Sino iboboto mo pagka-pangulo engel?

- Good question. For sure hindi ko iboboto si Noynoy and si Villar (even if I'm from Las Piñas). I'm sure I'm minority for this, but I'm actually all for Richard Gordon. I know he's one of the more boring candidates because he tends to talk too much. But he's the one who oftentimes make sense. He's the candidate who has the best profile. If he'd only make his speeches short and sweet, and less nose bleed-y, baka may chance pa siya. And I'd fire the person responsible for the Silent Night ad that was released after Christmas. Mga nasayang na opportunity. Tsk.

And besides, it's you know... Dick.

From Mr. RF and Rudeboy
Ano yung 3 wishes na nakuha mo nung birthday mo? Where did you go and who were the bloggers you were with?

- A month ago, I wrote down a list of bloggers that I wanted to meet as a gift for my birthday. And last weekend, it happened. I met Ternie, Maxwell and Xtian. Idamay na rin natin si Lukayo and Johnny Cursive. They went to my place and had dinner. So yun lang. Konting inom, konting usap, konting x-box, nuod ng tv, some chismis about some bloggers, and I let them all pet my parrot. =)

From Jepoy Dacuycoy and Jay Quiambao
What's my number?

- Hmmmm. Jepoy you can ask for my number from Darc. I can't believe we're already YM friends but you've never asked for it yet. Hmp. As for Jay Q., I'm not really sure about giving away my number on a public site (even if it's posted on my facebook). But what I can say is that it's a globe number. The first 5 digits spells DATED (if your phone's not qwerty), and the last two digits are the same numbers. I love my cellphone number. Anyway, send me an email, or chat me up. If you're nice, I just might give it to you.

From Tim
Do you believe that you as a gentleman won't kiss and tell? You sure with this?

- Now that you mentioned it, this blog hasn't been a kiss and tell since I decided to not be anonymous anymore. That's the downpart of losing anonimity, because more people know you, we tend to not divulge more information anymore. It's more subdued. I was actually thinking of renaming this blog. Maybe if I think of something clever or if I cross upon a cool idiom, I'll change it. So yeah, I'm going to stay a gentleman, even if it's boring. Except maybe if I do something nasty on the remaining 9 spontaneous days. I guess.

From Domjulian
Can you name the unnamed from last posts?
Nope. I'm protecting the identity of those people in case everyone I personally know finds out about this blog. But I will tell you this much. Only three of those unnamed are bloggers. One is for an ex. One is for an ex-friend or friend-turned-acquaintance. Another one is for a really close friend and once-upon-a-time was the love of my life. And one for a former classmate who was a celebrity.

**********************
Thanks for the questions guys. We'll do this again another time.

Enjoy a drama-free weekend everyone!!!

IDEAL

The past couple of days have been a bit unpleasant for me. I just learned that a former colleague of mine died from pneumonia. He's younger than I am, so his loss came as a bit of a surprise.

The second reason for the unpleasantness, although I'm not really sure if it should be unpleasant. But it's confusing, and not knowing what to do about it is what really sucks. Someone who cut me off from his life is coming back. Now I'm not too sure if it's just a temporary thing or for good or if he was just bored. But it's driving me insane. I mean I miss him. For a time, he was like the best part of my day, but then he just left.

So anyway, I don't want to rant. I don't want to become the type of blogger that I don't want to read.

Just for distraction, I thought maybe I should write down again my ideal person. The traits I'm looking for in a partner.

SOMEONE WHO MAKES ME TALK
Let me start with this. I'm not really a quiet person. At first I am, and that's because I'm inherently shy, introverted. I just remembered, 80% of the people I fell for I did because I enjoyed talking to them. They're not necessarily smart, but our wave of thoughts are similar. I like it when the person I'm with is more talkative than me. I enjoy listening alot, that's how I learn. That's how my opinion on things are formed. But I appreciate more, if that person makes me talk. If he listens. Because then I'm sure, he's really interested to get to know me more.

NOT NECESSARILY A GEEK
I really don't mind if the person I'm with does not know who Matt Murdock, or Jessica Drew is. I don't mind if he sucks at video games like Tekken or Street Fighter (because I suck at them too). I don't even care if he doesn't watch Chuck or How I Met Your Mother. But I do appreciate it if he'd take some time to learn about the things that I like. My xbox has two controllers, and they're rarely both used. I'm patient enough to teach the one what the left and right trigger buttons are for when we play Left 4 Dead. Or it's fine with me to explain to him what happened if he gets lost reading Captain America. That would be nice.

SOMEONE WHO TOLERATES ME
I could be weird. I could be a goddamned prick. And I'm pretty sure I'm an ass sometimes. I was born on the month of February, so I'm pretty much kulang-kulang. But if someone could tolerate my quirks, then he's a keeper. Obviously that doesn't mean that I wouldn't change. There's such a thing called compromise, right? I guess what I'm saying is it would be nice to meet a person who likes me for me. Not the smart me or the nice me, or the writer me, but the crazy, moody, PMS-y, semi-autistic me.

LOOKS PRESENTABLE
I admit it, like all the time and I'm not going to pretend to be one. I'm not good-looking nor am I buff. So I don't expect to end up with someone like say Daniel Matsunagi or Marc Nelson or whichever model's hot these days. The only way I'd end up with a person like that is if I pay them alot. And I'm not going to do that. I'm twenty eight. I'm not desperate. I have been lucky that in the past I've hooked up with people others would consider hot. But then I screwed that up. So the looks department isn't as important for me now unlike my younger years. But at least that person should look presentable.

I'm pretty easy to impress. Just do something nice and I'd give you my heart. I remember being won over by a friend because he brought me lunch in the office one time. Well he was hot, and I had a huge crush on him even before that, but I think you know what I mean.

FICTION

Jess sat across the table where he usually sits. Just where I like it. Where I can see his reaction whenever he tastes my cooking. Where I can adore the way he separates the vegetable from the meat and the rice. Where I can see the way his neck moves whenever he swallows the half-chewed food he puts in his mouth. Where I can see him.

"We don't do this alot anymore," he starts.
"Yes. We needed this. We need to talk."
Jess looks at me curiously. "Do we have a problem Kirb?"
I ate my food. It tasted different. Not my best.
"I miss your cooking," he smiled.
I took another spoonful.
"You're not talking. We have a problem. Did I do anything wrong?" he asked.
Another mouthful.
"Kirb. How long have we been friends? Three years?"
"Five actually."
"See. Five years. I think I know how you act whenever you're pissed at me. What's wrong? Tell me."
"It's her." I started.

I've always wanted to open this up with Jess. Two years ago, he started chasing after Toni. And why not. She's pretty. She's smart. God, she has everything a guy ever wanted in a girl. Heck, if I was straight, I'd court her. But I'm not. And I'm madly in love with my best friend.

"It's always her. It will always be her."
"Kirb, you know I still love you. You're my best friend. If I don't have anyone I'd choose you. But I love her too."
"I know. What we have is not normal that's why you'll never choose me. I've long accepted that. But I can't do this anymore."
"You can't do what?" he asked.
"I can't be your friend anymore."
"Why?"
"It hurts Jess. It hurts alot."

Jess stood up and sat beside me. He held my hand he squeezed it tight. I know he wants me to feel that he doesn't want to do what I want.

"We'll make this work. I'll make this work. Please Kirb. Let's give this a shot."
"No Jess, it's not simple. It will never be this simple. Please let me go."
"At least for our friendship. Don't throw away the five years Kirb."
I pulled away. "I can't Jess. Can't you see? You're breaking my heart! You're breaking my heart."

Jess leaned backward. I saw the sadness in his eyes. He lost this fight. Maybe he realized what I said. He finally saw the truth.

He leaned forward and kissed me. Our first kiss.

Our last.

"I'm sorry I broke your heart."

Jess stood up. He put his hand on my cheek. He kissed me on the forehead. For the last time. And he walked away.

I was left alone in the dining room. Tears rolling down my cheek.

He finally let me go.

This was the saddest day of my life.

But finally, I know I will be able to smile...