ENGEL IN REAL LIFE

A few days ago, I wrote in one of my posts that sometimes a blogger isn't necessarily the person he writes himself to be. You see writers (specially if he or she is a very good one) know how to twist or exaggerate some facts about themselves to make them sound more likeable. Giving off a different impression to their readers that are far from who they really are in real life.

I'm not sure what kind of impression I'm giving off with my posts but let me tell you, some of them may not be true. I'll tell you what kind of person Engel really is. Engel in real life.

QUIET. Believe it or not, I am a quiet guy. I'm more of a listener than a talker. Maybe because I'm not that good of a storyteller. I could tell you the most exciting thing that happened in my life, and I won't fail to make you feel bored. I don't know. Ask me to write that story and I'll be able to make it look more alive and colorful, but I'm not that good in telling it. There are people who're born like that I guess. But. And that's a big but. Once you get to know me better or if we have something in common, that would make me talk more. I really have alot to say, I guess it just depends if I know the person will be interested in it or not.

SUPLADO. I'll outright say it. I am a snob. Really. I'm kidding. That's the perception about me because first of all I'm quiet. And I often look serious. I do know how to smile, and I'm mighty approachable. But the thing is, deep down I'm really a shy person. I'm an introvert, and people tend to misinterpret that into being a snob. I guess I just don't like to make the first move. Maybe I'm afraid to get turned down when I try to talk to someone.

FEELING GWAPO. Engel would like to think he's good-looking. Confidence within could be felt outside. I know I tell stories of people who get attracted to me, which I turn down (even if I know I'll never end up with anyone as good looking as they were), they're true by the way, but I'm not that attractive. Maybe a little. Probably if I weigh less. Definitely if I decide to pamper myself more. I'm not vain and I like to keep my life uncomplicated, and if people see that as me not caring for myself. I don't really care. I'm smart.

NICE GUY. I am and I'm proud of that. Even if sometimes that means people get to push me over. I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. And I'm 27. If by now I don't know how to understand and cope with people's different personalities, I'll never learn. But like I said, I'm a nice guy. I am generous to my friends or to people I'd like to become friends with. I give way to other people in lines, in almost anything (unless it's related with money). I share my things, my food, my clothes, sometimes cash (but I don't lend more than 100 bucks to people unless I trust that person).

NAUGHTY. Call him what you want, but Engel's still a man. I sometimes let my disco stick do the thinking. I'm sometimes weak. Nuff said.

That's me in real life.

AFTER THE STORM...

• I appreciated the sun even more.
• I am grateful that I live in an area where flood is a rare event.
• I thanked God for telling me to go home right after work last Saturday instead of staying in Makati and meeting my friend. I probably would've been stranded and sick.
• I realized that there are showbiz personalities who are more than just pretty faces.
• I appreciated being a Filipino seeing alot of nameless heroes trying their best to help out the victims of this unexpected calamity.

The past weekend was something nobody expected. Homes were destroyed. Lives lost. The entire metro was submerged in mud and floodwater. Some thought that it was the beginning of the end of the world.

I was sick for most of the day and did not realize the gravity of the situation until I turned on the television and saw how bad the rain was. A month's worth of falling water in the span of a few hours. Someone's mightily pissed off up there, that's what I thought.

Yesterday, thankfully the storm left the country. And just as the sun emerged, so did the heroes. On tv, you could see videos of men and women risking their lives to save relatives, neighbors, friends and strangers. Famous showbiz personalities calling out to their endorsers to donate what they have to help out victims of the deluge. And just like when Mt. Pinatubo erupted, when the earthquake hit the country, when Estrada was ousted, and when former Pres. Aquino was buried, the country was once again united.

Blame is being thrown at the government for it's unpreparedness and slow action during the calamity. But in my opinion, no one is to be blamed for this tragedy. Every once in awhile, mother nature does things to remind us we need to take care of our environment. We shouldn't throw our garbage on rivers, maintain our drainage systems. We shouldn't rely too much on the government things that we ourselves can do.

We learn our lessons in calamities like this, but then again we tend to forget the morals learned from these situations. I guess the challenge here really is to remember the lessons we learned from all of this and to not let this happen again.

After the storm, I knew that alot shall be written about this ordeal. But I thought that not everything posted about it should be sad or gloomy or tragic. Like with everything else, this too shall pass.

CLASS PICTURE

A couple of days ago, Engel found something that made his heart skip a beat. He uncovered a treasure he lost a few years ago. He found his class pictures again. Memories of his childhood and his youth resurfaced and it was great.

The pictures are still intact and in good condition, just as he last remembers it. Pictures from his pre-school to about his third year in college. So now, Engel is in reminiscing mode. But this post wouldn't be recounting his high school college or grade school days. That's been done by everyone and he doesn't really have that many stories to tell. School days were boring as he was a good boy back then (well, except for college).

Seeing the younger version of himself and his classmates made him remember all of his friends back then. If you've been reading since the beginning of his blog, you'd know Engel kept only one friend from his youth and most of his friends are the ones he met from his professional life.

He wonders now what's happened to those people he was buddies with back then. Facebook's alot of help in keeping up with those people, but a reunion would really be nicer.

MIKKO (bff from 1st grade and all throughout primary school)
Engel's first friend when he entered the all boy's school. He was rich, came from a huge family and was one of the cool kids. Looking back, they never really had much in common, they only became friends because they're always next to each other (seating arrangements usually follow the alphabetical order). Friendship sort of ended because of (surprise) a girl. Engel did not crush on Mikko's girl, but he did doubt Mikko's chances to be that girl's beau. And for a friend looking for support, that wasn't necessarily a good move.

RAMON (from 4th grade - 2nd year high school)
Ramon was the friend that slowly turned Engel to the geek that he is. He was the smartest kid in school so that was great. They often talk about X-Men the Animated Series and The Simpsons and Ghostbusters. Engel would often borrow Ramon's Archie and Tin Tin comics, and in turn Engel usually lends his RL Stine Fear Street and Christopher Pike novels to the other. Friendship slowly died in high school when Ramon transferred to a school for smarter kids. He's a doctor now in the US, by the way.

ALEKHINE (bff in pre-school)
This kid was a loser in pre-school. He was cool, had the neat toys, but was sort of a loner. Who knew pre-school kids would have that, right. They became close because Khine was the son of Engel's pediatrician. He was actually the kid who gave Engel one of the best gifts he received during his 7th birthday (which was stolen by a distant relative a few hours later). Engel stalks the guy every now and then as he turned out to be a really gorgeous guy. Yeah, Engel's creepy.

MOSES (from grade school to high school)
They weren't really bff's because they don't have anything in common. But they were close. In grade school, they worshipped the devil, played grab each other's balls and he mostly kicked Engel's ass. In high school, before he became one of the cool guys, they often hang out with each other to talk about rich kid stuff (which Engel knew very little of, but was a very good listener). Engel got disappointed when he found out Moses hooked up with his gay classmate. Anyway, now he's a professional poker player with a kinda pretty girlfriend. Apparently though, nothing happened between them, so Engel still has the distinction of having grabbed Moses' junior when they were still in grade school!!!

DARWIN (best friend in 3rd and 4th grade)
During his school days, Engel often attracted the school loners. Darwin was one of them. That may be because they were two of the very few people in class who got in the children's choir. Darwin was a rich kid and even as a kid, was very attractive. If Engel recalls correctly, Darwin may have been Engel's first male crush. Anyway, Darwin was often victim of his classmates stealing his stuff. And to make matters worse, his mother got into a very scandalous feud with one of their classmate's mother. So after 4th grade, Darwin transferred to a new school. Engel wonders now how he grew up to be.

There's actually alot more. There's the taekwondo player, the ugly duckling, Engel's high school crush, his nerdy cliques (who mostly grew up to be hunks), the emo high school cliques and his gay friend. But maybe some other time.

Engel's sick today and he really would like to take advantage of the sleep-conducive weather. Fever and insomnia's making things miserable for him right now though.

BLOG OBSERVATIONS

Although Engel's been in the blogosphere for more than three years now, it's only lately that he's really visited online journals of people like him. While he did follow a number of gay blogs in the past, he was mostly approached or was befriended by the straight crowd.

You see in the past, when Engel clicked on a blog owned by a queer guy, what popped up immediately were pictures of naked men. Now he wouldn't have that because he only had access to the internet at work. And as a person of position in the past, he can't risk having his rep stained. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but he's already known as a manly man.

He only found a few noteworthy "queer" blogs. He didn't really look that much before because he did meet some cool people. Straight, yet interesting nonetheless.

But now that he's fully immersed himself as an out-of-the-closet blogger (although he's yet to reveal his other persona), he thinks it's high time to write what he's observed about this side of the blogosphere.

EMO MUCH
Not since he read a female's blog has he read aLOT of emo posts. As much as possible he tries to avoid emo posts as he finds it contagious, but then it's usually a trend. One blogger writes an emo post today, then it'll be followed by five others tomorrow. Boo hoo, I'm single. My crush turned out to be straight. My partner and I broke up, we made up again, and then we'll break up again tomorrow. I'll end up alone huhuhu. Oh wait, that's me. But sometimes it's just too much. There are even those who don't even seem to post anything other than depressing stories. Engel does not dislike them, he understands that sometimes blogs are created so that a person can air out his problems. But if the only thing you're doing about the problem is writing about it, then that's just not right.

SEXY MUCH
Straight men don't write about their sexploits often. Carrie Bradshaw is a fictional character, who disappointingly is not prevalent among female bloggers. But gay writers can't seem to stop talking about sex. Not that it's wrong. Engel sometimes touches himself while reading other blogger's sexual exploits. Now Engel's said that he created this blog so he can write without inhibitions, but it's highly doubtful he'll ever post his adventures in detail. Not because he's not getting any, but because he just can't. He's totally fine reading these posts, this is just his observation.

OCEAN DEEP
While alot of queer writers tend to be shallow, there are more than are deep. As in 'ocean deep'. Honestly, sometimes Engel comments for the sake of writing one, but truthfully, he understood nothing of what he read. Oftentimes he'd not even worry about commenting at all. One time, a blog was too deep, it took Engel a couple of readthroughs before he realized that the writer posted about his most recent sexploit. What's up with that? He's fine reading highfaluting words, he knows how to navigate webster.com. Of course he respects those writers, that's their home and they have the right to post whatever they want. If a person doesn't like what he reads or he doesn't understand the words, he can always opt not to go back. No one forces people to visit their blogs.

It's only been two months since he decided to read more blogs written by people like him, so he's not even sure if this is pretty accurate. But this post is not meant to insult writers. He has too much respect for these people for their honesty and for being who they are and not being afraid to share it with the world. Sometimes he wishes he could be like them and not be afraid, but he's still got alot to learn. And alot more to experience.

ONLINE LOVE AFFAIR

I was asked by a colleague who knows that I'm an active blogger if it is possible for a person to fall in love just reading the works of others here in the blogosphere. I think she wants to use this as a means for her to find true love.

I immediately said yes. It is possible. I remember one time when I was still active with my old blog. I wrote about my imperfections and there was someone brave enough to ask me out on a date. It turns out the reader found me interesting. But I did not reply. I was writing as a straight guy back then.

Let's face it, this world is full of really talented writers, creative poets, romantics and uber cheesy bloggers. At one point or another, you'll find him or her attractive. Maybe not physically. But intellectually you find yourself fascinated and interested in the person behind the written works.

I think I'm being idealistic. I have honestly never heard of a love story that came out of blogging. I've never met a blogger who met someone and fell in love through this medium. Scratch that, I know of only one. They're a straight couple though, so they're really not that interesting.

But it is possible to be attracted with just the writer's words. If you ask me, I could name a few people in the blogosphere (not just on my bloglist here) that I'm attracted to intellectually. I like the way they write. I love their wordplays. I'm at awe with their wit and I'm spellbound by their stories. It's sort of a crush on a different level.

I've never met any of them personally, and other than exchanging comments here and there, we have no other means of communicating with each other.

Realistically speaking, I don't dwell too much on these crushes. I know most of the time, people who write under pseudonyms don't necessarily reflect what they really are in person. Sometimes a blog is just a way for a writer to become what he or she wants to be. When in real life they're far from what they say they are on their works.

This medium is still young. Alot has yet to happen. If history taught us one important lesson is that nothing really is impossible. I'd be lying if I say I'm not hoping to find the one here. Although, that's not the main purpose of my putting up this home of mine. But if finding the one here is what is fated, then that's just the icing on the cake.

ONE-WAY STORY

Once upon a time, Engel was a fan of chatting, back in the days when mirc was the king, no one knows g4m, and friendster was the country's facebook. He wouldn't dare go home after work without passing by the village's lone computer shop just to chat. He was an addict.

He didn't really meet alot of people like him back then. He was scared. And he was an insecure mess after his first major heartbreak. He chatted not because he was looking for an easy hook-up, but because he was looking for love.

He did go out for eyeballs, if he thought that the person he met was decent enough or at least interesting. But generally, he was fine having people fall for him over the phone and have it end there.

But one lonely pre-valentine's week, Engel got really lonely. He went to the 13th newest computer shop in their area. He did not leave until he got a telephone number, and he was not disappointed. He got a guy's cellphone number.

The texting was fine. They both had the same interests. The same hobbies. They thought that they were really compatible to each other.

Then came Valentine's Day. The textmate was really lonely that day. He did not have a date. So he invited Engel out. Engel was hesitant. He doesn't go out on Valentine's Day. Finds it too cheesy. But then the thought of spending Valentine's night with someone was too tempting to pass up. So he agreed.

His big mistake was not calling first to get a feel of what kind of guy he's about to meet. Specially because the textmate was ballsy enough to invite himself over to Engel's house.

So the time came for the eyeball. Engel prepared for it. He had his hair cut and all that. So the evening of their meeting, he was kinda eager to meet up with the textmate. The guy described how he looked like. What he was wearing and how he will be recognized. Lo and behold, what he saw was something he didn't expect. This guy who said he was straight looking and manly turned out to be the total opposite. He looked like a parlorista with too much foundation.

Suffice to say, Engel decided to pass him by. He looked the guy in the eye and walked right by him. He did a one way. His first. His last.

Obviously, the guy got mad. He tried to hunt Engel down. Threatening him that he'll have his uncle from NBI pick him up and throw him in jail. He even got close to finding out who he was. He doesn't know how, but he found out the details of Engel's cousin. Thankfully, the guy was stupid enough to believe that the identity of the person who stood him up was the actual guy's cousin.

Engel did not open his cellphone for almost a month.

And that's how Engel learned not to go one way on his dates. And that's also how Engel got over his chat addiction.

KRYPTONITE

I know I shouldn't feel anything.

I am only your friend.

And you are mine too.

There are no more feelings.

I have no more need to be with you. To be yours.

The attraction's faded away.

Yet thoughts of you still linger.

Is it because you're still my friend.

Should I sever the ties between us?

But in times like these, I know I'm the only person you can count on.

Should I turn my back on you?

On the darkest days of your life.

Or should I take the risk of driving myself crazy again?

I hate that you are my kryptonite.

A weakness I want in my life.

SOUR GRAPES

"So, I didn't make the cool group. It doesn't matter. I'm smarter than those people."

Bitter? Sourgraping? Or just seeing the positive things in life?

That's not Engel, by the way. He overheard this at work. This was said in a kinda hopeful tone. But the person looked kinda disappointed and irritated. Hmmm. Funny how body language tends to betray the words and the speaker.

And what's so special with hanging out with the cool people anyway? High school's been over years ago.

Engel really dislikes these kind of co-workers. Whiny. Pessimistic. Irritating. You see, this co-worker is a new hire. One of the very few. Anyway, so on our new unit, where we're all training, almost all of us have been with the company for at least more than a year now. Then here she comes new hire, giving us an attitude.

You might say, she's "feeling close" with everyone. She always bums a stick of cigs during breaks from everyone. And she looks at people as if she's superior than everyone. She hasn't even proven anything to anyone yet. She doesn't even participate in activities.

Engel's not a part of the cool group, and he doesn't really care about cliques since he gets along with everyone (except for that asshat of a colleague). He just found that statement really off. The girl doesn't know everyone, and she judges all just like that. That's just wrong.

Sukdulan na nga ang kapangitan niya. Ang panget pa ng ugali niya.

MURTAUGH LIST

The Murtaugh list is a list of things a person is too old to do. I got this from How I Met Your Mother. You see Mr. Murtaugh, from the Lethal Weapon series, played hilariously by Danny Glover is the senior between the two cops (him and Mel Gibson). So anyway they often go after bad guys the extreme way and Murtaugh always end up saying "I'm too old for this shit." Hence the list of things, one's too old to do.

Okay, so here's my list of things I'm too old for.

• Start smoking.
• Experiment on illegal substances.
• Have sex with minors.
• Be a fan of the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana.
• For pamorningan drinking sessions.
• To not have voted yet.
• To climb up and hang out on treetops.

There may be more, I can't think of anything else at the moment. But of course there are things you'll never be too old to do.

• Laugh at those crazy cartoons,
• To have awesome time doing crazy stuff with your friends.
• To start a new hobby.
• Change your lifestyle.
  
• Start saving money.
• And to fall in love.

What's on your Murtaugh List?

SCATTERED THOUGHTS

CHEERDANCE COMPETITION
Found it kinda boring this year. Missed the one last year as he was out of the country, but was terribly disappointed with what he saw yesterday. FEU did deserve the win but thinks it's still subpar. The originality, inventiveness and energy of past competitions were missing this year. It's all about how high the throws are, and all the pyramids done looked the same. Only the props were something to look forward to (except for the Blue Babble Battalions' one).

NOYNOY
The hype is on him right now. Fresh from his mother's death, it's easily understandable why he's the favored one at the moment. Valid points have been said, and it seems his inexperience is bringing him good favors. But does he really deserve the country's vote? Have we heard his platform? Do we even know what he's already done for the country? Election's a long way away. But considering who he'll be in contention with, he may be the only choice.

TAYLOR SWIFT
Engel's crazy for this girl at the moment. Love her songs (except for the Romeo song, it's too girly). He finds himself singing along to White Horse, Teardrops on My Guitar and he tunes in to MTV and Myx often hoping to catch You Belong To Me. Engel's too old for Taylor Swift songs, but he thinks no one's too old to appreciate good music.

IN MY LIFE
I'm looking forward to seeing this movie. Not because it's gay-themed. But I really like the trailer. I hate Luis Manzano, I find him irritating (even if he's hot). But the scene where he tells his mother he's afraid of disappointing her again brings a tear to my eyes.And because I'm a fan of John Lloyd.

ANTHONY TABERNA
Maybe because he doesn't see too much tv these days, only the morning show of ABS-CBN, but he finds himself looking forward to watching this news anchor. He likes the geekiness, much more the fierceness. Anyone knows if he's already married?

DEPRESSION
Engel's over the depression crap he's subjected himself into the past week. How? He got himself occupied with alot of things. Work was primarily the reason he hadn't thought of it. Playing video games nonstop also helped. That's always been his cure for such problems. Busying himself to death. He can't hangout with his friends anymore because of his schedule, but that's okay. He needs to save up some money anyway. So like the storm that just passed, so did his melancholy.

INSOMNIA
This is his current arch-enemy. This past week, he only averages 4 hours of sleep a day. He's still not used to the shift he's in. Specially because he still doesn't know what time he should leave for work. You see, Engel's training starts at 9pm. 6pm is too early, 7pm is too late. Makati rush hour is just crazy and unpredictable. Hopefully this week he can figure the schedule much better. This is going to be his life from now on. Going back to sleeping, he find it sucky that whatever time he goes to sleep in the morning, he always finds himself waking up at noon. Always. And he can't go back to sleep after. Anyone recommend a good sleeping pill?

ANECDOTES ON ATTRACTION

By the standard of good-looking, Engel probably wouldn't fall under that category. Specially with the PLU crowd. Speaking by experience, and he's not being bitter, he's turned off the ugliest gay guy he's known. Not that he's saying that he's ugly, because that's not true either.

What he is, is the 'but' guy. People tend to say, "Engel's cute, but..." or "he's handsome but..." He's that kind of guy.

And with that, he often attracts a different set of people. He's not complaining, he appreciates that. Boosts his ego a little and gives him a glimmer of hope that he won't end up being happy single. That he may be happy with someone in the future.

But then, like what was said earlier, he tends to attract a different kind of crowd when talking about those who crushes on him. This post may sound a little bratty, but you probably already know that he's an idiot. So bear with him, you've already read four paragraphs. What's a few more, right?

Going back to the topic, this post is supposed to enumerate people who, shall we say fell for Engel.

THE HOUSEHOLD HELP
Yeah, at one point in time, their neighbor's maid was really pining for him. He knows because the girl was very vocal about that. There was even one day when Engel got home from school, she called on him "kuya, gusto mo ng pan de coco?" sabay kindat. That kind of freaked him out a little. A lot actually. That was creepy. He found out later on that she eloped with some other neighbor's helper. He doesn't go out of the house anymore so he wouldn't know if he still has it. But he'd rather not know.

THE PARLORISTA
I have nothing against them, in all honesty. Engel's gay too, but they're just not his type. His friends told him to try them out, he could probably live off their generosity, but Engel's not that kind of guy. Anyway, a few years ago a block from their house was a beauty saloon ran by a couple of really colorful gays. The saloon was beside the basketball court so the owners really hit jackpot when it comes to men. But then one of the two parlorista's don't really bother with those sweaty players. He'd pick on Engel. Winking at him, blowing kisses, and offering free services (hair and facial and not another kind of service). Engel will often politely decline, but the gay guy would still not quit. So Engel just ignored him. One day the parlor closed down and never saw the guy again.

THE MATRON
A few weeks ago, Engel watched District 9 in Glorietta. You know how the cinemas there often have reserved seating. Engel likes looking like a nerd. He often wears eyeglasses even if he has 20/20 vision. Anyway, on that day, he was seated next to an older lady. Probably in her 40's early 50's. The older lady never sat still during the entirety of the film so Engel doesn't know if anything's wrong with her. Until the middle of the movie, he felt a finger running through his arm. It was the lady. She never looked at Engel, just ran her finger. He froze. He went to the washroom after and looked for an empty seat to occupy. That scared the hell out of him. She didn't even looked like a cougar.

THE FELLOW NERD
Engel is a self-confessed geek. He boasts of his huge collection of comicbooks and his love of perfumes and video games where he previously worked. So naturally, he'd attract someone who shares the same interests. Unfortunately, that someone is a girl. Engel was a Team Lead back then, and he'd often bother his reps just to get the some juicy info on his people. The fortunate rep he picked on was the nerdy girl who was all quiet and shy. He'd harass her to find out who her crush was. Lo and behold it was Engel. Soon after, she started sending sweet messages and giving him gifts and leaving comments on his friendster account. From then on, he learned to shut his mouth and mind his own business.

THE HEALTHY LADIES
His recent count is four. Two of them he became friends with. One is currently a colleague, and the other one was a reader of his other blog. His straight blog. She had the tenacity to find Engel's facebook, friendster, ym and email address. She works for the same company he's in. Engel doesn't want to ever show himself to that girl because he knows that there's something kinda off about her. She'd often leave a message on his outlook telling him how sad and lonely she is, how she needs to be with someone. There's nothing wrong with that, and he's really tempted to tell her the truth about himself, but he doesn't like to risk giving away his secret where he's working. There's nothing wrong about people finding out his sexual preference, but he'd like to keep status quo for the meantime.

**********
If this sounds kinda mean, Engel apologizes. He doesn't mean to offend anyone. He's writing this post to stroke his ego. He'd rather write something like this than be all emo and depressing.

ROTTEN CHEESE

Everywhere today, Engel's been reading alot of cheesy posts. A lot of hook-ups. There are some cutesy anecdotes about the writers and their special someone. There are those who are hopeful for a more romantic future. And some are just super cheesy.

Engel's been in the blog universe long enough to spot trends in this his virtual home. If someone's in love, chances are in the next few days you'll be reading alot of love posts. When someone is brokenhearted, other people will follow suit and write depressing stories. If there's a blog war between two bloggers, there will be posts written to defend one side, even if the blogger does not even know any of the warring parties.

The common theme he's read today got him thinking. Should this make him hopeful? Or is he going to be depressed?

He's not a scrooge. He's happy that alot of people, straight or otherwise are finding love and keeping it. But like he said a few posts earlier, this is upsetting because he still has no one. He misses the feeling of 'kilig'. Of having butterflies in your stomach.

He wants to send text messages asking someone if he's already eaten. He misses being asked how was his day. He wants to be able to hold someone's hand. He wants to know how it feels again having an argument because he forgot it's their anniversary. He misses saying sorry, and making up with his partner. He wants to be able to take someone out of the city for a date. He wants to walk with someone on the way home. He wants to take a time out from work to sneak a text message to the one. He wants to be in love.

Being single is not exhausting. But it would really be nice to be a part of a couple every once in awhile.

This is just me, I think even if I'm with somebody I'd probably still be a drama king. It's human nature, never getting satisfied with what we have.

And Makmak, yeah, this time I'm depressed. I'm not denying.

I TOUCH MYSELF

This may have piqued some interest, but people with really dirty minds, you'll be disappointed. I did not create a new blog to brag about my sexploits. I have friendster for that (just joking!).

Although this isn't totally naughty, it's kind of somewhat kinky. It's hard to explain, so just read on.

I was singing out loud on my way home a few minutes ago. I was minding my own business when I noticed the girl beside me was snickering. I'm pretty sure it was the sound of my voice she finds funny. But then I realized I was singing something kinda naughty.

I don't want anybody else
when I think about you
I touch myself
Oh, I don't want anybody else
Oh no oh no oh no oh oh oh

That's the Divinyl's I Touch Myself. Yeah, it's a kinda dirty song. And in lieu with that, since the weather's pretty cold this morning I thought, what the hell. I'll list down my favorite sexy time music.

I TOUCH MYSELF
The Divinyls
Yeah, let me start with this one. Listening to the lines, it's a song you'd probably listen to when you're doing your thing by yourself. Alone. But I've played this even when I'm with someone, and it doesn't turn off the mood. I think the melody is nice, it's sexy. It's something you'd play if you want to like experiment or go wild with your partner. It's a fun sexy song.

LAST REQUEST
Paolo Nutini
I know a lot of people who likes this song, but doesn't really understand what it's about. And they really get shocked when they learn about it's meaning. This for me is a very nice sexy song. You probably wouldn't want to explain what this song is about before you do it because it'll ruin the mood. But if you like passionate lovemaking, this would be nice to hear in the background. Last request is actually about a couple who's about to break up and wants to do 'it' one last time before they do.

IN DEMAND
Texas
This is my foreplay music. I've never really played this while doing the deed, but I always imagine this song playing while I'm kissing someone. I don't know the name of the lead singer of Texas but her voice is really cool and soothing and I like it. Like I said earlier, it's a really nice foreplay song.

YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND
John Mayer
The guitar rifts at the beginning of this song, I really find sexy. It's undeniably a sexy time music, and it's effective in turning on the mood. I think this one's an after-the-deed song. Makes you want to play out the scenes of the music video. It's a good song if you're the touchy-feely type of person. I remember running my fingers all over my partner's body while this one's playing in the background.

NEXT IN LINE
From the Jologs Soundtrack
This is not a sexy time song I know. It's just that it's the song playing when I first did it with someone like me. My real first time, there wasn't any music in the background. Anyway, this song's forever going to torture me because whenever I hear this, I remember that fateful early morning. I got deflowered on a Jologs soundtrack. Urk.

That's it for today, I think I need to touch myself now.

CHURCHGOER

The last time Engel was inside the church on a Sunday was July of 2004. Five years. And prior to that, the last time he went to church on a Sunday would be in high school. Or maybe grade school, Engel doesn't remember. Well, probably high school, so he could then go out with his friends after.

That doesn't mean he doesn't go to church. On the contrary, back in college he was a patron of St. Jude (specially during the midterms and finals season). That's how he got through and finished college, prayer.

He's not an atheist. He believes in God. He prays. He knows some of the saints and is familiar with alot of church songs. He just doesn't like going to Sunday mass. No particular reason, really.

He's probably not the only guy who does that. Not really sure where he got it from. His father's extremely religious. Always going to mass on Sundays. Their family were really like that. Maybe Engel got that from his mother. She's a non-practicing Catholic, but that's because she really wasn't originally a Christian. But then again, his mom sometimes goes with his dad to church. Engel doesn't... ever.

Upon realization, he thinks the reason why he doesn't go to church, is that he'll only be committing more sins there. He'll probably just scan for guys that he likes. He might just sleep through the sermon, and probably not listen to the words that will be said. He doesn't even remember the parts of the mass. He'll definitely condemn himself more to eternal damnation if he goes there.

The thing is, although he doesn't hear mass on Sundays. He does go to church. He goes to St. Jude to pray. To say thanks. To talk to God. To say sorry for his shortcomings. He appreciates his blessings. Whenever he can, he pays the good things he receives forward to other people. And when he does go to church or to mass, he makes sure that he focuses only on the person up there.

Engel's not a churchgoer, probably never will be. But then that's because he doesn't really believe that going to church will save your soul. He believes it all depends on you. How you live your life. You can always go to church regularly, but if you still do things that aren't necessarily good, then that devoids the whole hearing mass thing. It just makes one a hypocrite.

WHO ELSE HATES THE RAIN?

You know how people get sentimental or emo during the rainy season? Well I've been like that this past weekend.

Rain and How I Met Your Mother is really a bad combination. It makes one think. A lot. But don't get me wrong, I'm not sad. It's just that there are certain things, questions that now lingers in my mind. A fear perhaps.

While not active, I do go out with people. I try to meet others just like me in hopes of meeting the one. Unfortunately, the one's being elusive. I mean that's fine, the journey to finding him or her is worth it, I think. But sometimes I can't help but feel tired of waiting.

I know I'm not the only person who feels this way. Sometimes we envy people who've met the person that they're meant to be with. It makes us question how long we have to wait, or if there really is someone out there for us.

I thought about waiting for someone to come along because everytime I start looking, that's when I don't find anyone. The people I met, I met by chance. The people I meet when I was looking, none of them stayed.

Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I have too much expectations. Maybe my standards are high. But the time will come. The person who will accept me regardless my flaws, my hang-ups, my craziness will be here. I just have to keep myself occupied while waiting.

Like Stella said, he's probably on his way, he's just stuck in the heavy traffic caused by the rain.

KIMMY DORA

Not to sound super jologs, but I did enjoy watching that movie very much.

I don't remember ever laughing so hard in any Filipino movie that I've seen. Kimmy Dora's a riot. Eugene Domingo was awesome here.

It's the story of two sisters, one highly intelligent but really mean and the other one who's truly nice except she's semi retarded. I'm not really sure how to tell the plot of the film because it's kinda complicated. But it was a nice story.

The plot was not very original, if you ask me, but what makes up for an old rehashed story is the excellent delivery from it's star. Dora is a very different character from her sister, that they seem to be two different actors. It was so good, when Dora was pretending to be the twin, it's like watching a really funny impersonator.

But what made this movie really awesome is that it's peppered with alot of stars. I think I sounded really jologs pointing out actors that my friends never even heard of. It's like a virtual who's-who of Philippine entertainment. That was cool. But of course, nothing can beat the star-making performance of Eugene Domingo. She was hilarious in this movie.

Yeah, so I like the film.

HOW HE SAID GOODBYE

Joy,

Before I say goodbye, I want you to know how much I loved you. I truly cared.

From the day I met you, I hoped that something will work out between the two of us. I did not expect that I'll fall for you. You're just someone I'm supposed to take care of, professionally. Not once did I suspect that something will creep in me and I'll feel this way.

You've been a good friend. I miss being friends with you. I miss the talks, the movies, the night outs. I miss visiting you unannounced. The long text messaging we do exchanging life experiences and everything. I miss waking up to your sweet friendship quotes, and corny jokes. We've had a few phone conversations, mostly business related, but I cherish all of it.

Remember the time you went to the office to bring me lunch? I've been in relationships before, but that was the sweetest thing anyone's ever did for me. I don't think I'll ever forget it. I'll never forget you. Your name will always be etched in my heart.

But then things change. People change. I changed. I've said some things that I regret ever saying. I don't know if it was because I was jealous, or that I was just being me... stupid. You know that about me already. I appreciate that you've tried to keep things to seem the same despite the fact that things between us will never really be the same.

Remember that night you've asked to go out on a date with me? I do. But apparently, that would be the last time you'll be initiating any more conversations with me. But I know I did the right thing. You were vulnerable then, and we both would have done something we'll later on regret. I won't let that happen to us. But you saw things differently.

And now, here we are. You have your own life. I have mine. As painful it is to believe, I no longer am a part of yours. And there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing but to move on. So now I will. I will try my best, but it's not going to be easy. I know it will be painful. But in time, I know my heart will mend. Things are going to be easier. Life will go on. I will forget how painful this has been, but I won't forget you.

But I guess I should be used to saying goodbye to you. In the few years that I have known you, I've said goodbye more than once. The first time you expressed your intention of leaving us, that was the worst day of my life. Once I learned of your wish, it immediately rained. Soaked and alone, I cried. I let the raindrops hide my tears. It is the only way I can. I should be used to saying goodbye to you by now. But I'm not.

I could've been yours. But sadly, that's not our fate. Or it isn't our time.

I'll always pray for your happiness. But for now, I'll have to temporarily forget. It's been over a year. But as long as I place you on the pedestal and compare everyone that I meet to you, I'll never find my happiness. I have to let go. I have to let you go.

Goodbye. We'll see each other again soon.

I hope.
----------------------------

Joy's birthday was yesterday. It made Engel remember everything that happened between them. The feelings he had is no longer there. He reposted this, just to remind him he's already moved on.

This was the end of his love, and the beginning of their friendship.

It's just nice to be reminded that for once, Engel was human.

ENGEL DISLIKES...

There's not alot of things that Engel dislikes. He's generally a nice person. But nice people have pet peeves too. Since he's actually already sleepy now, he'll make it simple. Keep it short and simple.

HE HATES TARDINESS.
He's actually already used to that. But the thing is, most of his friends have no concept of punctuality. Engel comes to an engagement often on the agreed time, but alot of times, he's made to wait. He has a long thread of patience, but if it takes a person two hours to arrive, expect him to blow up. He has no anger issues, so he wouldn't fight with you, but he has a tendency to leave the person behind, or not talk to them at all.

HE DISLIKES ARROGANCE.
For Engel, no matter how attractive you are, if you are arrogant, you're not good on his book. The instance you show Engel even a hint of arrogance (rolling of the eyes, raising an eyebrow), expect him to show everyone how cool he could be and how excluded he can make you feel. He could be such an ass when it comes to arrogant bastards.

HE DOES NOT APPRECIATE REALLY AGGRESSIVE WOMEN.
Whores in short. Engel does not mind that a girl is kikay, but if she's overly aggressive specially with him, he'd blow up on you. He respects the other sex, in fact for a time he dated these species. But if a woman becomes too aggressive with him or with people he crushes on, he'll hate her. Call it insecurity, but he does not appreciate competition.

HE IS PARTICULAR WITH GRAMMAR
Engel may not be the most fluent english speaker (or writer), but he can carry on a straight conversation in that language. He's nitpicky in terms of grammar and can pinpoint english mistakes. He really hates it especially if a person is loud, showing off their ability to talk like an American but when you listen intently, it doesn't make any sense. They throw around idioms just for the heck of it, even if it's not appropriate.

HE HATES PESSIMISM
Expect Engel to avoid these kinds of people. Pessimism infects other people. It ruins good moods. It's a virus that Engel does not want to catch. He runs away the moment he sees a person that he knows has nothing else to say but how bad their life is. He can listen to a person vent out their problems every once in awhile, but when that person has a different problem everyday, no. He's got no energy to endure one.

Here's Engel's list, so what's your pet peeve?