Much Has Been Said

ENGEL NO MORE

2011-10-23T11:11:00.001+08:00

Maintaining a blog is difficult. You really need to have serious writing chops if you want to stay active.

Having two is really impossible.

Specially now with all my responsibilities at work add juggling personal time and having quality time with the Kid., something's got to give.

I have exported almost all of my posts from this one to my other blog, which is the one I'll maintain. I'll copy some of the active links from this one to my other home so I can still keep up with the ones I still read.

Maybe occasionally, if the Kid decides to write his Philo stuff, I'll post it here, but I don't think I'll be able to post here anymore.

Thank you to everyone who followed, reads, visits, provide feedback and everyone I became friends here for giving time to read all my rants.You have all been great. I have grown up alot because of y'all.

Hope you'd still follow me on my other home.

For now, Engel will be on hiatus.

QUICK HITS XII

2011-09-29T05:57:00.000+08:00

Geeking out once again. Have alot of things to review. I only have 30 minutes til my shift ends, so let me do this quickly.

THE NEW GIRL
This is one of my favorite new sitcoms for this season. Zooey Deschanel killed her role as Jess in The New Girl. She plays a sort of geeky girl who got dumped by her boyfriend and was forced to move in with three hunks. The last part of the description sold me. The show's a bit traditional sitcom-y, meaning it has been done before. It's like reverse-Big Bang Theory, only the hot girl is the geek with three hot guys. Anyway, three hot guys sold me. So there you go.

TERRA NOVA
This show's got an interesting concept. Future earth is dying, for humans to survive, man must journey and live in the past. And by past, we mean hundreds of millions of years in the past. When dinosaurs roamed the earth. Steven Spielberg's name was linked to this project so that immediately drew my attention. But after boring me with his other show (Falling Skies), I'm not too excited about this show. The first episode is intriguing. It's got that Lost feel to it. Hopefully, the action will pick up in the next few episodes, so we'll see.

TWO AND A HALF MEN
Haven't followed this show since I don't know after Season 3 or 4. I know Charlie Sheen got fired and was replaced by Ashton. He was not the hook for me, unfortunately. I downloaded this show just to check on how this will be different. Two episodes in, and I still find the show funny. Ashton is not Charlie, so that's good. He still brings in the sexy though, so that'll pique girl's and men's interest a bit. But I don't think I'll be seeing this the entire season. Eventually, once all the other shows I'm looking forward to watching begins, I'll probably forget about this.

THE BIG BANG THEORY
So, Penny slept with Raj. Last Season wasn't as great as the previous ones, but last summer's finale immediately pulled me back in. The whole Raj and Penny thing was definitely a surprise, so I thought I must watch this show again. I was actually more surprised that they wrapped up that story quite quickly. Would have wanted more of those two interacting with each other. But the first episode of the season got me excited for the next episodes. So this one's still on my download list.

THE GOOD WIFE
I don't really want to write a review for this one yet. I've only seen just one episode of Season 3. But damn! I can't wait to see this every week. Alicia's changed alot. She's hot now. She's so hot I'm now considering being a lesbian. I'm itching to see Cuddy make an appearance. I'm looking forward to seeing more of her and Will Gardner doing more sex scenes. Actually, I'd be fine if Will has a sex scene by himself. But more importantly, I want to see how her husband will react when he finds out that Alicia isn't a good wife anymore.

PERSON OF INTEREST
This show has a great concept. After 9-11, America has created a machine that can track people who could possibly commit heinous acts of terrorism. It's like Minority Report-Lite, but only better. It stars Jesus Christ (the guy from The Passion of Christ) I forgot his name. So anyway the concept, there's a machine that can predict possible acts of terrorism, but it also gets information to predict small time crime. Unfortunately, that machine discards that information. Good thing one man has access to that information and uses Jesus Christ to stop those murders from happening. It also has that Lost vibe to it. But I'm really enjoying this show.

GAMES
GEARS OF WAR 3
The first of this trilogy, was the first game I played and finished when I got my XBox 360. I followed this series, even if I hadn't completed the second game. Anyway, the reason is I loved it. I loved the gameplay. I loved the bromance. I loved the emoness of this hyper-masculine game. That's why even if I don't have budget, and the Kid told me not to buy it, I still got a copy of it. It's worth it. It's a great game. More emo than I can remember, and I'm excited to finish it hopefully this weekend.

DO THEY KNOW?

2011-09-10T00:49:00.000+08:00

A couple of years ago, I asked this question: Do they know?

I had an inkling that my parents had clues about who I really am. I think all parents do. These are things that just never get said. Things that are better left unsaid.

As a kid, I know they must have seen something in me. I remember my cousins would joke around that among our clan, the third generation of our family there were only about three and a half of us who'll spread our last name. The men in my family died young. I was the half.

My grandmother caught me fornicating with another guy in my room. I know she's always known. She'd tell my uncles what she thought of me when I was young. I'm sure that deed she saw would have already reached my mother's ears.

Then there's the fact that I'm almost thirty, and not once have I brought a woman home to meet them.

The Kid always sleeps over at home. And when he's there, we just lock ourselves up inside my room. I'm sure my cousin and our household help have at least once heard me and the kid say sweet nothings to each other.

They know.

The question though is this, should I confirm to them what they already know?

TOTAL GEEK-OUT POST

2011-08-31T22:48:00.005+08:00

This was supposed to be my post on the 'other' blog, but I just recently posted an english article there, so I decided to just share the post here. I'm going to geek out big time here, so if you're not into comic books or video games or pop culture, then I advise to just stay away.

DEUS EX: HUMAN REVOLUTION

Honestly, I'm really torn up right now on how to divide my time. I have work, comic book downloads, series downloads, my new camera, the Kid and this video game to occupy my time. I just came from a two-day leave and felt I didn't really accomplish much.

In total, I've clocked in about 24-hours of game time playing Deus Ex. This is probably one of the most addicting PS3 game I have in my small library. I had to start over because I made a total blunder in my choices, but playing this a second time did not feel like a chore.

In Deus Ex: Human Revolution, you play Adam Jensen, a security chief of a technologically advanced corporation who had to be augmented with hi-tech mechanisms after his company got attacked. His mission now is to find out the truth about the attack.

I am not fluent in the technical mumbo-jumbo that is creating video games, but all I can say is that this game is awesome in all aspects of video-gaming that I know. The visuals are just awe-inspiring. I love that I can interact with almost everything that I can come to. The CGI parts are stunning, this is a very beautiful game.

Like I said, I played the first 12-hours of this game twice, and it did not get old for me. Other games may have played the same way, but this did not. It was like I was playing an entirely new game. It's that good.

DC COMICS

If you're a comic book geek like me, then you've probably heard of the 52 initiative of DC Comics. This is one of the biggest news of the year in the comicbook world.

It's basically DC revamping their entire universe and giving us 52 #1 titles in just one month.

I'm no DC follower (I'm obviously a Marvel zombie), but this has got me intrigued. September is the perfect jumping-on point for readers who wants to be familiar with DC or comics in general.

Simply put, a recent event (Flashpoint) has caused the entire DC history to be rewritten and we'll be able to see again how or where characters like Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman came to be.

I'm not totally sold on this idea, if you ask me. This would be like when Marvel decided to un-marry Spider-man and Mary Jane (actually Superman and Lois Lane will be unmarried now too). People say this is a desperate move by DC, but if this will get people to buy and read comics again, then by any means they should go.

I'm cutting down on my comics purchases, so I really don't have enough space anymore for a DC comic. But I'm pretty sure my Thursday downloads will be a bit heavier from now on.

FALL TV

It's September once again.

That means alot of my favorite tv shows are coming back!!! Let me just rundown the series that I'm currently following and shows that I'm looking forward to see in the following weeks/months. If you haven't seen some of the shows and don't want to be spoiled, I guess it's time to stop reading this post.

****SPOILERS AHEAD****

THE GOOD WIFE: Season 2 ended with Alicia and Will making out in the elevator. I can't wait to find out what happens next. And damn, the teaser for this show is making me drool. It's sexy. Okay, I'm doubting if I'm really gay now. Oh, and House's Dr. Cuddy is in for several episodes this season!!! Yay, Lisa Edelstein!!!

THE WALKING DEAD: Honestly, Season 1's six episodes is a total travesty. I'm glad AMC picked it up for a 2nd season and can't wait to see what's coming in the next 12 episodes. The 4-minute trailer gave us a glimpse of Herschel's Farm and that immediately gave me goosebumps. October can't come soon enough.

THE AMAZING RACE: This is my favorite reality show. I don't care about Survivor or American Idol or The Bachelor, this is the game I want to play. I don't know why, but this game never gets tiring for me. There's always someone to root for, and someone to hate. And I can't wait to find out who those people will be.

That's just 3 shows, other shows I'm looking forward to: How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Terra Nova, Private Practice, House, and Community. My desktop's going to crash looking at the list of future downloads. God help me!

Nope, no Glee or Gossip Girl or Vampire Diaries for me anymore. Like what you've been saying about my last post, I've matured.

OF CURRENT EVENTS AND AGING

2011-08-24T02:31:00.002+08:00

When I was in my late teens/early twenties, I often listen to these more mature people airing their opinions on current events and politics. I always thought those matters are for old people.

News, politics, current events, I always thought that these are things that only adults would give a damn about. I was, no I am a pop culture guy. I care about the latest video games, the most popular comic books, the best movies.

I don't know what happened, but things changed.

A few hours ago, I found myself composing a reply to a fellow blogger who aired his opinion regarding the issue between the President and the victims of last year's hostage crisis. And then, I saw my last post, and it was about my reaction to the facebook message pitting the Philippine Azkals against the Philippine Dragonboat Team.

A couple of years ago, I wouldn't even read those kinds of articles. I'd rather waste my time finding out what to look forward to in upcoming episodes of Grey's Anatomy. I'd only listen or watch the news to find out which actor switches to which network.

I still do.

But I also am getting interested in real news. I want to know the truth behind the former first gentleman's helicopters. I need to find out when the doctors will botch Congresswoman Gloria Arroyo's operation and kill her. Heck, I'm even having an opinion regarding divorce and the RH Bill. I'm even buying newspaper every other day.

Clearly, this is a sign of aging.

ON PHILIPPINE SPORTS

2011-08-17T19:39:00.003+08:00

PH Azkals: 0 Golds, 0 trophies, 5 TV ads, 20% Pinoy
PH Dragonboat Team: 5 Golds, 0 commercials, 90% Pinoy

PH Azkals: With Sponsors
PH Dragonboat Team: Inutang at KKB Pamasahe.

PH Azkals: Complete Outfit
PH Dragonboat Team: Nanghiram pa ng sagwan sa Kalaban

Sasagwan ka ba sa KARANGALAN o Sisipa sa PAPOGIAN?

Spread the Word!!!

This was one of the facebook stats that I read on my way to work today.

Honestly, I find that statement off and foul.

I was supposed to comment on that status as it is asking to have people repost this, but the internet connection on my blackberry was off so my message did not push through. So I thought I'd just write my litany about this in my blog.

I am no sports fan. So news about the Philippine Azkals and our Philippine Dragonboat Team is not such a big deal for me. From what I gather from news clips I see before I sleep or before I go to work, that all our athletes don't get the support that they deserve from our government. That much I clearly understand.

The status above is actually a good move. I agree, that the Philippine Dragonboat Team did not get the support they deserve. Heck, if they did not break records and win gold we'd still not hear about this team. So it's just right that these athletes, these players enjoy the attention they're getting right now. And this is the right time to show the government, the people that they NEED support financially from our government.

But what's off for me is that they are compared with other athletes, specifically the Azkals. I am no fan of the team (of any sports really). While I do find alot of their players attractive and sexy and yummy, it does not affect my opinion-making.

Whoever started the above statement, clearly have no understanding of sports. I took soccer in PE when I was in college and let me tell you, soccer/football is not an easy sport. The fact that those players got to where they got, even if they lost, is a big thing for the country. They were underdogs. Yes, they did not win alot of games. Yes they did not get to the World Cup. But that does not discount the fact that they worked their asses off to get to where they got. So I think they still deserve respect.

Don't get me wrong, I am PROUD of our Philippine Dragonboat Team. And I agree that they really need to get more support not just from our government but from people who can. But I don't agree that these people need to be compared with other athletes. This is probably the reason this country's not progressing.

Let's just be happy that these rowers, and football players, and boxers, regardless of the crap they're getting from us, still want to carry our country's name.

TIMELINE

2011-08-09T00:03:00.002+08:00

Engel's timeline after he created this blog two years ago.

August '09 - Started this second blog anonymously. Followed and got followed by other pink bloggers.

September '09 - Became fully engrossed in this home. Posted more regularly and got more regular readers and commenters.

October '09 - Not anonymous anymore. Met a blogger and after a day became his beau.

November '09 - Not a month after, they broke up.

December '09 - Because of the mess that was his lovelife, attempted to say goodbye. Took him a week to come back.

January '10 - Started flirting with other bloggers. Other bloggers started flirting back.

February '10 - Met 5 bloggers on his birthday. Had a huge crush upon meeting Lukayo, Johnny
Cursive and Maxwell.

March '10 - On his third day of making spontaneous decisions, decided to close down this blog... again.

April '10 - Took him three weeks this time to come back to writing. Courting the Kid more aggressively this time.

May '10 - Sex blogs started to grow. I blamed Soltero (just kidding). Oh, and Engel's not single anymore (seriously this time). Finally met birthday boy Nyl and Kane.

June '10 - Nothing much happened.

July '10 - Bought a Playstation 3 console.

August '10 - Started posting about relationship. Wrote about sex life. Wrote about sex. Fail!!! Iurico told me he hated me one time because he thought I did something. Got promoted.

September '10 - Makmak's dilemma with his "love life" reached a climax. Became constant companion during Thursday mass in St. Jude.

October '10 - Finally opened up about on the truth about an ex.

November '10 - The Kid started writing for this blog. Readers got a taste of the nosebleed. I guess except for Red the Mod and Kaloy. 6th lunaversary with the Kid.

December '10 - Met with alot of bloggers. Formed a huge crush on one that became his friend. Crush had to end. Still in love with the Kid.

January '11 - Met one anonymous blogger who Engel had a huge crush on since 2008. Finally put a face on that smiley he used to hide his face in when he posted pictures of himself. Gorgeous gorgeous man. Promised this will be the year he'll lose weight.

February '11 - Quiet birthday with blog friends. A schoolmate got killed by a couple of kids he met in Malate. Initial findings say robbery was motive. Mourned death by eating. Got promoted again.

March '11 - No blog posts. Writer's block. Probably know readers got tired of reading every single significant event in relationship that's been chronicled. Busied himself by eating more.

April '11 - Posts became seldom for both blogs. Gave other bloggers time to shine. Not updated anymore on happenings in blog world.

May '11 - Celebrated 1st year anniversary with Kid... separately. I had to attend to a friend's wedding in Boracay, and the Kid didn't have money to follow. Oh yeah, and friendship with a blogger friend ended because he groped my Kid.

June '11 - After not being able to look at his Boracay pictures, decided to finally start losing weight. Annual Physical Exam showed, he finally reached 200 lbs. Disgusted with himself.

July '11 - Lost 20 lbs!!! Celebrated by eating.

August '11 - Have not looked in the scales yet, but is already in the 170's range. 177 the last time I looked. Celebrated two years of Engel.

Happy blog birthday to me!!!

THIS USED TO HAVE A LONG TITLE

2011-08-04T19:29:00.002+08:00

As I currently don't have anything in mind to share these days. Let me just post something the Kid wrote.

I'm not a philosopher in any way, so any questions regarding what you'll be reading next should be forwarded to him. Unlike me, he actually responds to comments.

Enjoy. And have a handkerchief ready, this is gonna make your nose bleed a little.

********************
Ang konsepto ng MERON
At kung bakit may GUMAWA nito mula sa WALA

Philosophy-related ang post na to. Ie-explain ko lang ang koneksyon ng meron sa wala at kung bakit kelangang may gumawa sa ‘wala’ para ‘magkaroon’.

Medyo nosebleed, pero maganda kasi tong argument (para sa Philo junkies gaya ko) para mapatunayang may Diyos nga.

Mag-uumpisa ang argument sa konsepto ng meron. Sabi ni Avicenna (Arabian philosopher), mapapatunayan na nanggaling sa wala ang mga bagay dahil sa konsepto ng duality. Pag nakita mo ang isang pie, for example, dalawang bagay lang naman ang maiisip mo (in this context), it’s either merong pie or walang pie. Dahil naga-grasp ng utak ang konsepto ng wala (nothingness), lohikal na sabihing may GUMAWA nito from WALA (dahil hindi naga-grasp ng utak ang WALA at tanging MERON lang).

Dahil sa duality, masasabing lahat ng bagay ay kino-cause ng isa pang bagay. Kung titignan in a wider perspective, masasabing lahat ng bagay sa universe e cause ng iba pang entities. For example, yung mga stars e galing sa mga sumabog at namatay na stars. Para kay Avicenna, lahat ng bagay sa universe ay CONTINGENT BEINGS. Meaning, hindi sila magiging ganyan (being) kung hindi dahil sa iba pang bagay (other beings).

Kung susundan ang logic na to, masasabing lahat ng bagay e nanggaling sa isa pa, and so on and so forth. Pero pano naman yung pinakaumpisang bagay sa universe?

Hindi biblical ang nature ng reasoning ni Avicenna nang sinabi nyang tanging Diyos lang ang kayang gumawa ng meron mula sa wala. Bakit?

Una, hindi pwedeng manggaling sa wala ang meron. Dahil kung wala na sya, hindi na sya magkakaroon pa. Kaya naman, dapat may MAMAGITAN sa wala para magkaroon (kung tatanong mo kung pano ginawa ang bagay mula sa wala e hindi ko alam kasi hindi ako Diyos).
Pero pedeng tanungin, kung ginawa ng Diyos ang meron sa wala, sino ang gumawa sa Diyos? Dito mas pinatibay ni Avicenna ang argument nya nang sinabi NECESSARY BEING ang Diyos. Meaning, hindi na Nya kelangan pa ang iba pang entity para maging SYA. Bakit?

1. Endless cycle ang mangyayari kung sasabihin mong may gumawa pa sa Diyos. Sino gumawa sa gumawa sa Diyos? Sino gumawa sa gumawa sa gumawa sa Diyos?
2. Lohikal isiping meron na ang Diyos simula pa dahil TANGING ang MERON lang ang makakagawa ng isa pang MERON from WALA.

Sana gets nyo.

Yung lang.

ASSUMPTIONS

2011-07-29T02:31:00.003+08:00

A recent conversation with some friends got me thinking of some of my most embarassing moments.

It was way back when I was still renting in Marikina. You see, I used to travel from apartment to our home on weekends. But there was this one night that I had to go home late because of some gimmick I went to with my housemates.

I didn't want to take the bus back because it was a very long ride from Cubao to Baclaran. And I had to run from LRT2 to the MRT to reach the last ride.

Fortunately, I made it. And as it was the last train for the night, the cart was practically empty. A station later, a guy came in. He's cute if you're into guys who look like strippers. He certainly dressed like one. I still remember he's wearing a black see-through sleeveless shirt.

Upon entering, we immediately made eye contact. I was not into the guy, but apparently for him it may have meant that I was. So, in the midst of an almost empty cart he decided to stand up in front of me. It was a very uncomfortable ride. Me, seated, and his growing cock starign right back at me.

Station after station people started going down, yet he still did not move. I was afraid to look at the guy because he might take it as a sign that I'm into him.

But the moment I did, I saw him immediately purse his lips. Did he signal me to give him a kiss? Did I look obvious that night? Did I look like the type who'd make out with a guy who makes out with people he meets on a train?

I am now. But four years ago, I was the virginal type. I gave him a look of disgust. But he still pursed his lips, pointing towards my crotch.

That time I got really scared so I left my seat and transferred a couple of benches away from him. After Buendia Station, he sat beside me.

He whispered, "butas brief mo. Bukas din ang zipper mo." He smiled, then got off on Magallanes.

So that's why he was pointing his lips on my crotch.

Yes, I wear holey undies. I'm an exhibitionist that way.

200

2011-07-12T01:24:00.002+08:00

A few weeks ago, I went to the office clinic to undergo our company's Annual Physical Examination.

This is a standard procedure with the company to allow us employees to enter the office premises. We have to be deemed fit to work.

This is a normal procedure. ECG, eye test, blood pressure, cholesterol, urine, stool, AIDS, the whole naked thing where the doctor asks you to pull down your shorts and spread open your ass. I knew I have normal stats so I was fine with it.

But that day was especially depressing for me. It was something dreadful. No, I was not molested in a previous check-up (for me, it wouldn't be traumatic, I'd probably look forward to being thoroughly checked by my doctor). Anyway, what I was afraid of, what I was truly dreadful of during the day is stepping on the scales.

It's been months since I've weighed myself.

I knew I have been careless regarding my body. I went to Boracay during the summer and only took off my shirt when I'm waste deep in water. I've been fat. But what I did not realize is that I really haven't taken care of my health in a very long time. This was when I said that my sole goal for the year was to lose weight.

My jaw dropped as soon as I saw the scale point to a dreadful number. 201.

The heaviest I've been my entire life.

I'm not a tall guy so seeing that number was painful. I'm no longer just chubby or stocky. I'm FAT bordering on obese.

I have been on a downward spiral. I can't put my socks on properly. I didn't want to look at the mirror. Half of my pants, I can't button anymore, even more with my business attire. I pull my shoulders up, and I look like the Nutty Professor. After we went to Boracay, I untagged myself in alot of my friend's photos. I didn't want to have my picture taken. My profile picture in facebook was from three years ago during my trip overseas.

I became a pig. And that was unacceptable.

**************************
Honestly, I don't really make a huge deal in terms of my weight. I thought I had a partner who accepts me for who I am and not how I look physically. The Kid would tell me to try to lose weight, but when we're out on dates the Kid usually hand me those he can't finish.

My parents don't really help that much also. Whenever I tell them I'm going on a diet, that's when they usually feed me all my favorite food. Caldereta. Pork Steak. Carbonara. Beef with Mushroom. Yang Chow Rice.

Sabotage!!!

It usually takes me 2 days to end the diet stage.

Work didn't help as well. Since accepting a different role at work last year, I never really had the chance to tread the path of the fit and healthy. Twice or thrice, sometimes the whole week we'd feast on the fast food dinners. Army Navy burgers, Amber's, Chickboy, Mercatto, Banchetto, Salcedo Market, Yellow Cab, Jollibee, 2 piece Mini Stop chicken, McDonald's, KFC, homemade oily fatty viands, anything that will get your cholesterol level to dangerous levels we tried out.

I bought Kinect for XBox to have an exercise. But it took me only two months to give up on it. The console haven't really been played with after my birthday party five months ago.

**************************
A few days after, I decided to stop eating rice. Whenever I felt the need to eat, I go straight to my room and sleep it off. I started drinking alot of water. You could say I went on a crash diet. I know it's not really healthy, but I needed to start somewhere.

When I shed off my first few pounds, that's when I started eating again. Rice meals became spoonfuls a day. I said goodbye to junk food and chocolates. I started drinking fruit smoothies and eating fruits. I still drink alot of water.

For about a month, I did not order pizza (which before was done almost weekly). I lessened hanging out with my officemates during lunch break and opted against whenever they wanted to eat outside. Eating breakfast at McDonald's meant just ordering a couple of pancakes and not the longanisa meal with sausage mcmuffin.

This went on for days, until I finally am able to survive a day without putting rice in my mouth. I learned the art of discipline. I don't eat before I sleep anymore. And I usually can get by a day with only a couple of bananas in my stomach. I still indulge myself with pizza or burgers or ice cream, but only once during the weekends. My thoughts, depriving myself on the things I like will only make me want to have it more.

**************************
My efforts have been productive. People have been noticing that I've shed some pounds. Last week I was able to wear again some of the polo's that I haven't worn since last year. These days when I see myself in the mirror I don't see a look of disgust in my face anymore. Believe it or not, there are even days when I feel sexy.

Yesterday morning I went again on a scale. I have already lost 21 pounds. I smiled.

I'm far from getting to my goal. There's still a lot to do and diet alone is not going to cut it.

I am writing this so I will remember everything that I've gained. So when the day comes that I want to quit, it will remind me what I have achieved and that I should not waste it.

Preparing for work this afternoon, I tried to button my pants. For the first time in a very long time I was able to close it.

I want to remember how it felt.

QUICK HITS XI

2011-07-06T02:15:00.004+08:00

I feel that I've been outdated in the pink blog universe. Well, it's more of the general blog universe. It's like everyone's moved on except for me. People are now in relationships, people have broken up. People are happier. Gay people are getting married. And there are those who've given up. Oh, and there are all those new people writing their hearts out.

Where have I been when all that happened?

I don't know most of the people that I read anymore. And those I know, I can't find them. Their blogs are either closed or in private (yes it's you Iurico!!!).

I know the relationship's got me sidetracked from my blog life. And it's fine. It's all good. It's just sometimes when I'm having my me-time, I'd like to be somewhere familiar. And lately, it seems that the blog world isn't a place I recognize anymore.

****************
I know you're probably sick and tired of reading about Engel's blossoming lovelife. It's status quo as of writing and I think that's not going to change anytime soon. But assuming you're interested, let me update you on what's going in the other aspects of my life.

There have been a few opportunities that have come my way recently, career-wise that I'm thinking of. I've been semi-promoted as an assistant lead for my team and am considering whether to take another step forward in my career ladder. Only hindrance is the panel business presentation required to move on. I'm no good in panel interviews. Scares the shit out of me.

It's been awhile since I last met a new friend/acquaintance. I haven't been socializing very much these days. Financial reasons mostly. I blame promotion. Higher income means higher taxes. Unfortunately, my new pay just crossed the new tax bracket. That basically means I'm earning less than I did when I wasn't promoted yet. My money's just enough to cover my bills and dates with the Kid.

On the plus side of the above, less money means I have less budget on food. Meaning no more unscheduled pizza delivery orders. No more budget to buy cake and ice cream when I'm craving. Long story short, I've lost weight. I'm practically fulfilling my lone goal for the year. Now if I could only find the energy, time and inspiration to go back to the gym.

****************

Before I forget, let me just give my belated greetings to a few of my blog friends.

KANE - I hope you enjoyed your birthday last weekend. My apologies for the late greeting. I know I've already said my excuse, but that's not enough after everything you've done the past year for me. Sincerely, thank you for being a good friend.

ALTERJAHN - Belated happy birthday to you as well. I will never forget what you gave me the day we met. I may not know what that food is called, but it was the thought that I'll always remember.

GEEK - Belated happy birthday to you as well. I appreciate the regular visit even if it's done very rarely these days.

FAIRY TALES

2011-06-30T20:59:00.003+08:00

We all dream of a fairy tale love story.

The magic. The prince to sweep us off our feet.

We envy those whose love stories seemed like they were meant for classic literature. And we look for ones ourselves.

And sometimes that's what's wrong with us.

We expect our love story to be this epic fairy tale. About impossible odds that love will conquer. That anything less than grand is unacceptable. Sometimes we let go of good people just because our story was simple. Not worth telling.

But love stories aren't always grand.

They won't always be perfect.

And oftentimes, they are not true.

The only time it will feel real, that it will feel epic, that it will be perfect, it's when you know that you're with the one. You could meet that person on a chatroom, in one of your commutes, a friend of a friend, and it would not matter how your love story goes. What's important is you have a love story.

And that it is true.

That is a fairy tale.

AT 29

2011-06-22T20:05:00.002+08:00

Engel's been having a hard time finding an inspiration to write the last few months. It seems that the name of the blog has been justified. Much has been said.

But while browsing some of the online journals that he started to follow recently, it occured to him that he's already 29. A few months more and he'll be turning the big three oh!!

He doesn't really much care about the number. Truth is, it's been said that he'd been looking forward to hitting thirty. He does not get why this is a big issue with other people. From his experience it's just another day. Another number.

Engel does get some of the concerns though. There are people who plan things and get nervous because they still are far from reaching their goals. There are those who expect to have a family before they turn that age and are now scared it may not happen. And of course, there are also alot of people who wants to be successful before they turn thirty. Engel was once one of those.

A few moments ago, he actually wanted to write a plan on things he wants to do, things he needs to accomplish in the next eight months before he turns thirty.

But then he realized why he stopped doing those. Life gets in the way of people's plans.

Engel is happy now.

Why complicate things.

They say, people should think of the long term. It's valid. People should prepare for the future. One never knows what will happen.

Honestly, the only thing Engel's been preparing for is his death. He does not want to inconvenience those he will leave behind with the burden of his death. But other than that, he's fine.

Right now, he only thinks of the present. And why not, he's having fun. He's not alone. He is happy.

Are there things he wish he has but hadn't got? Yes.

But there's still time.

They say that no one really knows when your time's up.

But for Engel, he'd rather die happy than worried.

This is how Engel views life at age 29. Although there is a certainty that things will change.

TALES FROM THE CLOSET

2011-06-08T23:55:00.002+08:00

When you haven't outed yourself, you get alot of questions. People specially your family have alot of expectations. Unfortunately some of them want those expectations met.

Sometimes it's frustrating (if this seems familiar, I already wrote this somewhere else and in Filipino).

Tita: Engel, when are you going to get married?
Engel: It might take awhile.
Tita: Aren't you afraid you might get left behind. You're not getting any younger.
Engel: I'm fine. I'm a guy. I'm not worried about having kids.
Engel: And besides, I'm happy where I am right now.
Tita: That's not a good idea. If you get kids when you're older, who do you think will take care of them? When you hit 60 do you think you could still take care of a teenager?
Tita: I'm just worried you won't be able to take care of your children.
Engel: How about you tita, when are you going to get married?
Tita: is offline

**********
Another Tita: Technology's great, yeah.
Engel: Yeah.
Tita: You get to talk to family hundreds of miles away.
Tita: You see their pictures.
Engel: Yup.
Tita: I especially like facebook.
(me thinking to myself uh-oh)
Tita: You get updated with old friends
Tita: Classmates.
Tita: Family.
Engel: Yup. Yup.
Tita: You.
Tita: So I see on your profile you're in a relationship
Engel: ...
Tita: ...
Engel: ...
Tita: ...
Engel: ...
Tita: Aren't you going to tell me about your girlfriend?
Engel: is offline.

**********
Maybe it'll be easier if I just out myself.

TRUST ISSUES

2011-05-31T23:34:00.004+08:00

"Do you trust me?" the Kid asked Sunday morning.

I said yes.

It hurts when your lover does it. But it hurts more when a friend does.

**********
Last week, when I went to Boracay, I entrusted the Kid to another couple (let's call them blogger and bf). The firts gay couple that we've befriended. The Kid likes them both as the bf is of the same age range as he is.

We've been friends for awhile now. I think we've met twice before last week, me and the blogger more prior. We've grown accustom to each other as we often chat with each other and joke around. The bf's been inviting the Kid to either the blogger's province or bf's home since we last met with them. And since I'll be away, the Kid decided he'd sleep over the bf's place.

I've been wary about them ever since, specially the blogger. I knew he had a crush on the Kid. Sometimes when we chat, he'd joke around about taking the Kid away from me. I didn't mind because he does that all the time.

**********
Thursday, the Kid met with the couple. Everything was fine. They saw a movie and the Kid's been texting with me and calling me for most of the day and night. So I thought everything was okay.

We met last weekend to celebrate our anniversary. I just woke up and we were about to do it when he asked that question. He told me something happened Friday morning.

It was around 2am. The blogger, bf and the kid were all about to sleep. They've been talking about life, about us. Suddenly, the blogger hugged the kid. He kissed him. And then put his hand inside the Kid's shorts. The kid did so too, but he hesitated. The blogger said it isn't right.

The Kid was crying when he told me the story. He thought this was the end of our relationship.

But I didn't think it was his fault. Blogger should not have done that. What's worse was he did it in front of the bf. The bf didn't mind. He thought that somehow these things are a part of gay relationships.

It's disturbing.

The friendship ended that day. I have forgiven them, but thought it would be better to go our separate ways.

I thought it was hard to find friends. I guess it's harder to trust people now too.

STEP FORWARD

2011-05-04T01:55:00.000+08:00

I just came out from the shower when I read the 'kid's' sms. He wants me to give him a call.

And when I did I was surprised when he told me to talk to his friend.

It was a girl.

She said hi. I said hello.

"You must be Kid's guy?" she asked.

"I guess I am," I replied.

"It's nice to hear your voice," she said then she gave the phone back to the kid.

And then our relationship took another step forward. I knew him telling someone about me would be a hard thing to do. I knew it would eventually happen, and I'm fine if it takes him long so I did not expect him to do so this time. I thought he'd wait until he finishes his masters and start work, but I guess he's ready.

And so now I'm smiling. Been doing so for a few hours already.

Can't take the stupid thing off my face.

REMEMBERING

2011-04-20T00:38:00.002+08:00

I wrote this when I first met the Kid. Who knew that 7 months after, we'll become a couple. And now, we're about to enter our first year together.

How time flies when you're in love.

***********

One of the rules I've set upon myself in terms of the people I pursue is to not fall for boys much younger than I am. This weekend I broke that rule.

I met Chris last Saturday night and we had a pretty lengthy phone conversation. He's 19 years old, a student and he said that at that moment he was straight. He has a girlfriend, but he was curious about an alternative lifestyle. So he had a few questions which wasn't uncommon for me because when I was the same age those were the questions I was asking myself.

So while being an older brother to the young padwan, I accidentally got the guy to fall for me. Towards the end of the conversation, things turned to something unexpected. He got confused. I'm sure when we started talking he was pretty confident about his sexuality, but by the end not only did I have him question his sexuality, I also made him fall for me. Worse, I fell for the kid.

I have had a bad experience with a kid. I was 23, he was 18 or 19. We rushed into the relationship because we liked how our conversation over the phone. It ended a couple of weeks later with the kid telling me that I have no knowledge of the word love. That was when I said no more kids. And I was doing pretty well. Until now.

Sunday morning I received a message from Chris telling me that he wasn't fully honest with all the details he gave me the night before. He was actually supposed to set me up with his friend as a prank. He said he didn't expect to feel how he felt for me. That wouldv'e been cue for me to let the kid go. But he said he was being honest because he wants to start things right between us.

Last night we had another conversation. I got to know him better. I liked him more, but I noticed he may not really be ready for this kind of lifestyle. I think I was actually pushing him to pursue me.

Anyway I woke up today feeling guilty about what I did last night. I was taking advantage of his confusion. That's not right. In the end, if I pursue the matter, he'd probably end up hating me. If it did work out, I probably would've had him half-baked. Whatever happens I think in the end one of us would end up with a broken heart.

Maybe I was thinking that if I did pursue him, given his situation, he's going to be my responsibility and I may not be ready to have to carry that burden.This morning I said goodbye. It's probably the right thing to do. I just hate that it feels so wrong.

I did the right thing. Right?

ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST

2011-04-05T19:24:00.003+08:00

Before anything: this is not my writing. This is the Kid's obviously. I don't have that wide a vocabulary. :)

************************

On the Reality of Human Emotion: One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Movie)

Yesterday I watched One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It’s one of those must-see movies in Rotten Tomatoes. Most film critics even regard it as a cinematic masterpiece.

What I like about the film is its appeal to both ‘form’ and ‘substance’. To me, form pertains to: first, what the film says (the story) and second, how the film says what it says (movie elements like cinematography, screenplay, musical score, etc.) On the other hand, substance pertains to the theme. It answers the question ‘so what’.

In my opinion, the substance of a film is as important as its form. Because film is a form of art, its primary essence is to educate the intellect on the truth about human nature through a material that can be appreciated on its own. Thus, a beautiful film, just like a beautiful painting, can provide its audience with ‘disinterested pleasure’.

The film is about a prisoner who pretended to be mad in order to escape prison work. His unexpected deportation to a mental asylum allowed him to do foolish things that he couldn’t have done in prison. The conflict arises by the time the head nurse controls his behavior in the asylum.

1. Substance of the Film: Human Nature as the Triumph of Emotion

At this point, let us explore the substance of the film or its theme. In this light, I want to claim that the ability of the film to capture essential truths about human nature elevates its artistic value, although its thematic meaning is morally erroneous.

The movie elucidates on the REALITY OF HUMAN NATURE by defining it as the TRIUMPH OF EMOTIONS OVER LOGIC. We can clearly see this in the way the characters and events are packaged in the film.

To understand this position, we have to examine the film characters metaphorically. We can group the major characters into two: the head nurse of the mental hospital and McMurphy (Jack Nicholson’s character).

Firstly, the head nurse symbolizes form and order—human logic. Because it is logic, it has to guide human behavior toward the morally upright. However, the film depicts the head nurse as painfully dull and hypocritical. Because she enforces rigid rules and regulations in the hospital, she directly suppresses the patients’ freedom in doing whatever they want.

On the other hand, McMurphy epitomizes vivacity and boldness—human emotion. He takes things less seriously and does stupid things with great pleasure. Thus, hindering his actions is tantamount to bastardizing his essence as a person that is marked by imperfection.

Therefore, the theme of the film is more clearly shown during the conflicts that arise between the head nurse and McMurphy. The suppression of McMurphy’s foolish actions highlights the ‘un-humanness’ of logic—as embodied through the head nurse.

The thematic reasoning of the film goes like this: WE ARE HUMANS BECAUSE WE ARE IMPERFECT. WE ARE IMPERFECT BECAUSE WE ERR. THIS MARKS OUR HUMAN NATURE.

ALTHOUGH FOLLOWING THE GOOD IS LOGICAL AND MORAL, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO ATTAIN PERFECTION GIVEN OUR NATURE AND CIRCUMSTANCE. THEREFORE, IT IS MORE REALISTIC TO STAY IMPERFECT SINCE THIS CAPTURES OUR HUMANITY.

2. The Truth: Human Transcendence as Human Nature

Thus, it is important to ask: what makes human truly human? Is it our imperfections that make us human or our actions to perfect ourselves?

As we see in science fiction novels and films, what differentiates a robot from a person is human emotion—more specifically, his capacity to love. But as the film opines, the emotion is that which is instinctual since it relates to our natural tendency to seek pleasure and avoid pain—whatever pleasure that is.

The movie’s conception of human freedom is hinged on doing whatever we want without any restriction. This makes the evaluation of human behavior relative to the agent’s own feelings and emotions. In effect, logic may obstruct the pursuit of wants, especially when what is wanted is morally corrupted although emotionally pleasurable. Since we embrace imperfection and succumb to temptations, we herald emotions—thinking that by doing so it elevates our humanity. But is it really the case?

The movie unfortunately fails to consider human transcendence as part of human nature. FREEDOM IS NOT ABOUT DOING WHATEVER WE WANT, BUT DOING WHAT IS GOOD FOR US. PRECISELY BECAUSE WE ARE FREE, WE ARE ABLE TO CONTROL OUR EMOTIONS THROUGH THE USE OF LOGIC, THUS, WE ARE ABLE TO TRANSCEND OUR IMPERFECTION. (The use of logic helps us to discern what is good and what is evil in our actions).

In other words, HUMAN TRANSCENDENCE HELPS US REALIZE OUR NATURAL INCLINATION TOWARD PERFECTION, HOWEVER IMPERFECT WE ARE. Through the intellect, we are able to seek for the truth; and through the will, we are able to do what is good. The pursuit of truth and goodness justifies our natural inclination toward perfection.

In this sense, although human emotion is an essential facet of our humanity, it must be grounded on logic. Inter-personal love, for example, works best when it follows its objective aspect, that is, the bettering of the character of the persons involved. Thus, it can be claimed that feeling the emotion is more fulfilling when we know that it based on righteous human action.

Therefore, it is LOGIC GUIDING EMOTION THAT MARKS TRUE HUMAN NATURE. As the philosopher Boethius said, a human person is an ‘individual substance with rational nature’ (persona est rationalis naturae individua substantia). Let's keep that in mind.

CHECKLIST

2011-02-24T00:59:00.000+08:00

On my 29th year I am going to…

Bohol with the Kid to celebrate his birthday
Be more spontaneous
Lose 20 lbs
Open a bank account
Boracay!!!
Be clear of all debts (even if I don’t own a credit card)
Party more
Meet at least 5 new friends
Keep those 5 new friends
Have more sex
Give in to the Kid’s insistence on going to Malate (but just once)
Be a more supportive boyfriend
Buy less comics
Buy only quality video games
Dance more
Get my trinkets from Ruddie and Kane (belated Happy Birthday Rudeboy!!!)
Sing my heart out
Work harder (aim for another promotion, perhaps)
Stop slouching around and start working out
Get my desktop fixed!!!
Look forward to turning 30

This is what’s nice about having two blogs, you get to write as many birthday posts as you want, and it’s fine.

Happy birthday to me!

NINE MONTHS

2011-02-17T05:00:00.004+08:00

In nine months...

I knew how it felt being a teen-ager again
I received and sent love letters (more received than sent)
I felt happy finally knowing how it feels when couples argue and fight.
And I feel happier that all the fighting and arguing are settled
I became someone's first time
I learned about philosophy
And was lectured on saving money
We've met 'our friends' not just his or mine... but ours
I am, have been and will always be happy.

He said we shouldn't count. But honestly I don't care. This is the longest relationship I have had. And it's nice.

He may not be with me on my birthday, but he knows, he is already the best birthday gift.

FOR CLARENCE

2011-02-11T08:42:00.003+08:00

The one thing that's scary when someone updates you on what's happening with people you haven't been in touch with for a long time, is finding out that they died.

This morning I was informed by a classmate/colleague that one of our batchmate in college was murdered two weeks ago.

I personally don't know Clarence very well. We were never classmates, we did have common friends but we were never friends. We do say hi to each other. I remember he's one of the meek gay people from our course. The one who was almost always bullied or harassed by friends. But he was nice. He often greets me when we stumble upon each other.

After college I never really heard from him again. I know he works for a telecommunications company. But other than that, I have nothing.

Apparently he was murdered by two teenage boys he met in Malate. He was found naked and was robbed of his personal belongings.

The suspects already surrendered to the authorities but said that they only did it because they were just protecting the younger brother from being molested by Clarence who held him at knifepoint.

Honestly, I never saw in Clarence's personality as someone who can threaten another person at knifepoint. But even if it was true, he did not deserve to be butchered and stabbed 13 times. He was a good person.

My prayers to his family and to everyone he left behind. I hope he finds peace and justice.

:)

2011-02-01T09:10:00.003+08:00

I have never questioned how much the kid loves me. I am certain he does.

Sometimes he tells me that he loves me more than I do him (that's not true by the way).

They say love makes you do crazy things. Things you've never done before. Things you thought you'll never do.

Last weekend was a step forward in our relationship.

Something we've never done in the last eight months we've been together.

He broke a promise that we agreed he'll never do.

He changed for me.

For us.

For the first time.

He let me in.

I'll never question how much he loves me.

Never ever.

RANTS

2011-01-28T03:25:00.000+08:00

Allow me to rant for a bit.

I’m pissed off that the chicken patty in the crispy chicken sandwich at McDonald’s is only half the size of the bun. Same goes for their Sausage McMuffin. They’re charging us higher than other fast food chains but they’re serving us less.

Same goes for their Chicken Meals. Mini Stop has bigger chickens than McDonald’s. And Mini Stop charges less.

I am disappointed someone borrowed a couple of my posts on their blog and did not at least mention me as the source of their entry.

I am majorly pissed off at Globe Broadband for their really poor service. Specifically on Wimax. I’ve had their maintenance people come over our house three times this week alone to have it fixed. I shouldn’t have let them replace my modem in the first place as I didn’t have problems connecting to the internet back then. Your service sucks Globe Broadband!!!

I’m kinda mad at the IT department in our office because they turned off wifi access in the office. I’ve only been able to enjoy my Blackberry’s internet features for only a couple of days. You semi-suck IT department!!!

I’m disappointed at UA&P for giving their students too much schoolwork. My parents are away for the weekend yet I won’t be able to spend my time with the Kid because he’s busy finishing projects and make-up classes.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I’m fine now.

SOMEBODY SLAP ME

2011-01-21T01:10:00.000+08:00

PS3

Xbox 360

PSP

Blackberry Curve

I’m not a techie, but these things are going to be the death of me. I have no idea how I’m gonna budget my barely minimum wage paying for all of this. And I’ve got to worry about Boracay for the summer on top of this. And I owe a couple of blog friends a little something something that I promised to give soon.

I’m spending like I’m single and rich, which I’m not, and that’s not good.

Sigh.

So from now on and until I get all of my debts paid, no more eating out. No more impulse purchases. No more unscheduled dates (I’m sorry hon). No pizza deliveries.

Just keep my expenses to a minimum. One thousand a week for the next four weeks, I think I can do that.

On the other hand, having a new Xbox is good for my 2011 goal. I’ve been sweating like a pig everyday since last week playing Dance Central. I’m not yet sure if I lost weight, but I don’t get tired easily anymore.

The first time I played it, I got exhausted dancing to Lady Gaga’s Poker Face on easy mode. Nowadays it takes me 2 playthroughs of Jay Sean’s Down, 1 of Benni Benassi’s Satisfaction, 2 of Rihanna’s Pon Du Replay and multiple tries of Calle Ocho’s I Know You Want Me before I get tired. Dancing’s a good workout. I may look ridiculous and stiff, but it’s still healthy.

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE EPIC FAILS

2011-01-14T02:04:00.002+08:00

A couple years back in my other home I wrote about a few of my failed worldly escapades. A journal of some of the dumbest things I did when I was still younger.

Mind you, my blog back then was a straight blog, so to avoid being found out, I kept some details regarding my trysts. I don’t want to lie in my blog, so I wrote it in Filipino to avoid specifying the gender of my partners back then.

I’ve been backreading my other blog looking for something to write for this home when I stumbled upon that particular post. I thought why not tell the truth about those escapades. So I decided to translate it and share what really happened then.

Here’s the original post if you want to compare.

WHY I NORMALLY DON’T BRING PARTNERS HOME
Apart from my partner, I normally don’t bring guys to my home. I have nosy neighbours who tell my parents every detail of what they hear or say about other people. I’m the single guy in the street. I don’t want others thinking I’m not straight since most of them have been bugging me to go out with their daughters or not so hot lady friends.

Anyway, I was still in college when I brought someone home. Back then we lived in the old house. It was a bungalow. Unlike now wherein I sleep in the 2nd floor, back then my room was just beside the backyard. The guy I brought home was Jason (I mentioned him a couple of times already… he was my obsession).

He was really hot and our libidos were scorching. So we decided to lock ourselves up in my room. To cut the story short, we just popped in a porn video and started mimicking what we were watching.

In the middle of doing the dirty little deed, in the middle of delirium, my eyes chanced upon my bedroom window. And there it is the most shocking sight to behold. On the other side of my bedroom window was my grandmother.

We stared at each other for like forever. And when she finally realized she was staring at her grandson, she immediately left.

She said, “don’t mind me I’m just pulling out the laundry.”

WHY I DON’T DO SOP
If you ask me now I really don’t get the phone deed. I’ve only done it recently because me and the Kid, we don’t really see each other often. But doing the deed with strangers, I’m really baffled by it.

Back when I was still single, if someone said that they wanted to do it with me, I’d immediately cut communications with that person. It doesn’t really turn me on.

Maybe because the first time I did it, I did it with a girl. And it was hilarious. Here’s what happened.

Remember when I was really young, I was addicted to those text channels where you send your number on air hoping to find other horny teen-agers. I did meet one girl. She was game. And she sounded really hot. And I was really horny.
I was actually looking to really score that night, but the girl didn’t want to, so I settled with the phone deed. In fairness she seemed to know what she was doing. She was describing what she was doing. Taking off her clothes. Her undies. She was asking me to moan for her. And I was doing what she asked me to do.

But then she said, “shit, nangingisay ako!”

I was like huh? WTF?! Did she just say nangingisay? And I imagined her having seizure or being electrocuted or something. And I laughed hysterically. I can’t stop laughing because I was imagining her having seizure.

Yeah, she dropped the phone on me.

WHY I DON’T DO SEB
That text channel was like the source of some of my epic fails in my youth. I’ve had a few hits with the channel (with Jason and some other hot one night stands), but a lot of the people I met there were epic fails.

I think I was enjoying unemployment that time so midnights are really like afternoons for me. I was always tuned in to that channel hoping I’d find someone interesting… or really horny. I found the latter.

The guy I met was witty. He was funny and he seemed really smart. He wasn’t boring. And he sounded like he was really good looking on the phone. So we flirted for a couple of days. Then he invited me over to his apartment since he said he was alone that time. I was horny (obviously) so I thought what the heck. We need to have sex every once in awhile. And there I went.

I really had this picture of the guy in my mind from listening to his voice. He kind of sounded like that kid from the Mara Clara remake. He really sounded good. Like when God showered man with great voices he was up front and center. But he left just in time when God gave away good looks.

He was really a challenge to look at. I was like, fuck, what have I gotten myself into?! But what can I do really, I was already there. And he was already all over me, kissing my neck, grabbing my crotch. He was in heat, and unfortunately I was the sun. He pulled my shorts and started sucking. But I wouldn’t get stiff. It was the longest five minutes of my life. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I pulled it out of him and put on my clothes. I apologized and I left hurriedly.

Just as I left their gate it started raining. It was a different kind of wet that I wanted to that night.

WHY I ALWAYS BRING CONDOMS
I think it was about six years ago when I met another horny guy in the text chatroom. I’ve had so many fails already that time that I got smarter. Before meeting up with people I first look at their Friendster profile. And at that time I hit the jackpot.

The guy was not bad to look at. He had a great figure. And best of all he liked me too.

We both didn’t have a place back then so we decided to rent a room. We went to Eurotel in Las Piñas. We were already in heat even before getting there grabbing each other every chance we got. When we got in the room, we were all over each other. Kissing. Licking. Necking. Petting. Whatever, it was game on! It was my first time doing it in a motel and I wanted it to be great. But then he asked me…

“You have protection?”

“What?”

“Condom?”

“None, I’ll just pull it out when I’m almost there…” I said.

“No, I don’t do it without protection.”

Fuck. I didn’t have one. Well I did, but it was four years old. And I didn’t think to buy one on the way. We were horny as hell, but we didn’t want to buy one anymore. And I didn’t want to ring room service if they have one because it’s embarrassing.

We ended up just jerking each other. So anti-climactic.

We slept beside each other with a pillow in between us.

******************
Relish this post as I don't do this normally in my blogs and probably wouldn't do this again for a long time.

NO SUGAR COATING

2011-01-11T02:18:00.000+08:00

“I want to talk to you, but when you’re there, I don’t know what to say anymore.”

“Don’t be clingy.”

“I just want you to be malambing.”

“I wouldn’t want you to be mature if that means you’d lose the things I love about you.”

“Last night, I was so angry that I could have broken up with you.”

“You don’t know me.”

“I wouldn’t be patient for you all the time.”

“Talk to me when you don’t have tantrums anymore.”

“Do you still love me?” “I don’t know.”

“Stop saying sorry if you’re still going to do it.”

“I’m getting tired.”

“Do you want to cool off?”

That’s how the Kid and I are when we fight. But none of us wants to give up. More than anything I know we love each other. It hurts when you hear those words again in your head. I’m sure he feels the same way.

Everyone goes through this.

We’re fine.

I’m just writing this, because it only sank in that words when said, they hurt. I want to remember how much it does so I’ll be careful in saying them.

IN REAL LIFE

2011-01-07T02:18:00.002+08:00

Writers (specially if he or she is a very good one) know how to twist or exaggerate some facts about themselves to make them sound more likeable. Giving off a different impression to their readers that are far from who they really are in real life.

I'm not sure what kind of impression I'm giving off with my posts but let me tell you, some of them may not be true. I'll tell you what kind of person Engel really is. Engel in real life.

QUIET.
Believe it or not, I am a quiet guy. I'm more of a listener than a talker. Maybe because I'm not that good of a storyteller. I could tell you the most exciting thing that happened in my life, and I won't fail to make you feel bored. I don't know. Ask me to write that story and I'll be able to make it look more alive and colorful, but I'm not that good in telling it. There are people who're born like that I guess. But. And that's a big but. Once you get to know me better or if we have something in common, that would make me talk more. I really have alot to say, I guess it just depends if I know the person will be interested in it or not.

SUPLADO.
I'll outright say it. I am a snob. Really. I'm kidding. That's the perception about me because first of all I'm quiet. And I often look serious. I do know how to smile, and I'm mighty approachable. But the thing is, deep down I'm really a shy person. I'm an introvert, and people tend to misinterpret that into being a snob. I guess I just don't like to make the first move. Maybe I'm afraid to get turned down when I try to talk to someone.

FEELING GWAPO.
Engel would like to think he's good-looking. Confidence within could be felt outside. I know I tell stories of people who get attracted to me, which I turn down (even if I know I'll never end up with anyone as good looking as they were), they're true by the way, but I'm not that attractive. Maybe a little. Probably if I weigh less. Definitely if I decide to pamper myself more. I'm not vain and I like to keep my life uncomplicated, and if people see that as me not caring for myself. I don't really care. I'm smart.

NICE GUY.
I am and I'm proud of that. Even if sometimes that means people get to push me over. I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. And I'm turning 29. If by now I don't know how to understand and cope with people's different personalities, I'll never learn. But like I said, I'm a nice guy. I am generous to my friends or to people I'd like to become friends with. I give way to other people in lines, in almost anything (unless it's related with money). I share my things, my food, my clothes, sometimes cash (but I don't lend more than 100 bucks to people unless I trust that person).

NAUGHTY. Call him what you want, but Engel's still a man. I sometimes let my disco stick do the thinking. I'm sometimes weak. Nuff said.

THE EXPERIMENT

2011-01-05T05:04:00.004+08:00

Paano kaya kung si Gillboard ang nagsulat dito?

Wala kasing maisip isulat yung ingliserong mapagpanggap dito. Kaya ako muna ang magrurule over sa tahanang ito. Ngayon lang naman. Papatayin ako ni Engel, pag nabawasan siya ng readers dahil sa akin.

Wag kayo mag-alala one time lang ito. Nag-eeksperimento lang siya. Hindi bagay ang isang gaya ni Gillboard sa ganitong lugar.

So nosebleed!!!

Iniisip ko, gusto ko mag gay speak sa blog na ito. Mga tipong chever chever. Witwittiririt. Chorva.

Kaya lang wala akong maisip. At tuwing iniisip ko, medyo nasusuka ako. Hindi bagay!!!

Alam niyo naman siguro na out na ako sa aking tahanan. Kaya medyo nahihirapan akong pag-ibahin yung dalawang blog. Minsan nag-iisip ako kung ano ang isusulat ni Engel dito. O kung may naisulat na ako, minsan naiisip ko parang mas bagay iyon na isulat sa ingles at ipost dito.

Ang hirap talaga pag dalawang blog ang kailangan na imaintain. Masakit sa ulo. Kaya siguro hinahayaan niyang minsan si Kasintahan, este si Kid pala na magsulat para sa kanya. Kaya lang madalas pag pinapareview ni Kid yung sinulat nito eh nagkakamigraine ang lolo niyo. Kailangan niya kasing namnamin ang mga nakasulat dahil kinuquiz siya nito.

Binabasa ko kanina ang mga sinusulat ni Engel noon. Ang dami nang pinagbago. Iba na nga talaga siguro dahil hindi na siya single. Mas maikli na kwento. Mas di na makulit. Wala na kasi siyang iniimpress. Wag niyong ipagkalat ito ha, dati kasi nagsusulat yon para magpapansin sa mga kras niya sa blogosperyo. Ang landi lang.

Pansin ko nga, hindi na rin siya masyadong nag-iiikot sa mga kablog niya dito. Kilala pa kaya siya ng mga dati niyang kalandian sa pink blog world? Kilala pa niya kaya yung mga nilandi niya noon? Ulyanin si Engel eh.

Napaisip ako. Kung si Gillboard kaya ang nagkukwento dito sa Engel Tells All, pareho pa rin kaya ang mga makikilala niyang kaibigan dito? Mas kumportable na kaya si Gillboard magsabi ng mga salitang chenes, cheverlyn at churvaloo?

Hula ko, kung si Gillboard ang nagsulat dito naging sex blog ito.

IN 2011

2011-01-03T11:16:00.002+08:00

No New Year's Resolution this year.

No goals that I know I won't be able to achieve.

Nothing new this year.

I only have one.

One that I wanted to achieve since 2008.

I don't care about my savings.

I already have a lovelife.

New friends won't be hard to find.

And I love the friends I have now.

And I'm pretty sure I'm going to get promoted this year.

So I only have one thing to achieve in 2011.

I will lose weight.

IN 2010

2010-12-28T23:19:00.001+08:00

1. I met with bloggers that I’ve followed here and in my other home.
2. I started to become more spontaneous
3. I jerked off in the office comfort room
4. I flirted with a girl in Starbucks
5. I outed myself in my straight blog
6. I attempted and miserably failed to close this blog
7. I bought a Playstation 3
8. For the first time I went to a company Christmas Party
9. For the first time in my life, went to Star City
10. I celebrated my birthday thrice
11. I went to church more
12. I had more sex than I ever had in years
13. And it’s just with one person
14. I learned how to download stuff using torrent
15. I went to my high school classmate’s mini reunion and felt out of place
16. I transferred to another team at work for promotion
17. I lost weight
18. I gained more weight than I lost
19. I got myself a funeral plan
20. I chose to get cremated when I die
21. I almost bought a condominium unit near the airport
22. I spent the most amount this year on comics than any other year
23. I got hooked on The Walking Dead (paid 8000 to complete the series)
24. I changed my taste in comic books, more indie and less mainstream books
25. I had a dengue scare
26. For the first time went to a wedding of a good friend
27. I got my heart broken
28. And had those broken pieces fixed.

By the way, the Kid wanted to meet some of my friends online, so we thought since I'll be alone on the second weekend of the year why not have a little get together. It's going to be in my house in Parañaque. If anyone's interested to come, let me know. I just want to prove to him that I do have blog friends. :)

CHRISTMAS GIFTS

2010-12-26T06:09:00.003+08:00

What I got yesterday:

From The Kid: Spent the whole day with me on Christmas Day. And homemade Caldereta.
From Officemate: The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson
From Balikbayan Neighbor: XXXL Hanes Grandpa Underwear (I'm not big dammit!!!)
From Grandma: CK One Gift Set (150ml CK One, moisturizer, body wash, and sampler)
From Blog Friend: DVD copy of Scream 3
From Myself: Complete Set of The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
From Myself: Blu-ray copy of Inception

Seeing what I got, I could not ask for more. Maybe the right sized underwear.

I hope you enjoyed Christmas this year. And advanced Happy New Year to everyone!!!

PUERTO GALERA

2010-12-21T20:22:00.002+08:00

Some things you need to learn about me and Puerto Galera:

I have been to PG several times, and I've seen alot of gay people (they say it's the 2nd gay capital of the Philippines, next to Bed), but I've never really seen 'gay' people there. Like those who are not that out. I've only seen the trannies. It's the broken gaydar. I think I need to fix it. Not that I'm going to do anything with the knowledge. But it's nice to know.
The food I love to eat whenever I'm in Galera is their kebab. I love their pork kebabs. I love watching while their cooks grill them. I like watching one of the cooks. All sweaty and stuff.
Puerto Galera has been the source of alot of me and the kid's arguments. This has been long delayed. The original plan was to go there in October, during his sembreak. But it got pushed and pushed. The last fight we had was last week, because the kid squandered alot of his budget for our trip. Imagine my relief now that finally we got there.
December is off peak in Puerto Galera, but there still are a LOT and I mean a lot of good looking foreigners out there. Too bad with them are what my kid calls 'exotics'. I swear one of the women I saw there with a good looking foreigner looked like my neighbor's yaya.
When travelling via roro, avoid sitting next to or in front of a kid. They always end up vomiting.
If you stay in the water for too long, some fishies will come up to you to feast on dead skin cells on your feet. It's cheaper than what you pay for in the fish spa in Manila Ocean Park.
Whenever you go out of town, whether it be a beach, mountain or elsewhere, when you're with friends, it feels great. But when you go out and you're with someone you love, it'll be unforgettable.

THE SIMPLE THINGS

2010-12-15T03:46:00.001+08:00

Engel is not really difficult to please. He’s really easy. So easy, he’s like a man-whore.

These are the things that make him smile.

Army Navy Freedom Fries and Cheese Quesadilla
Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donut
James Morrison and Jon Mclaughlin songs
Starbucks Venti Iced White Chocolate Mocha
Video Games
A sweet text from The Kid
Any kind of text message from his friends
Oishi Caramel Popcorn and Jack & Jill Piattos
New blog comments (even those from anonymous commentors who disagree with him)
Videoke

See, he’s not that hard to please. Is he?

BUSTED RADAR

2010-12-10T02:26:00.001+08:00

My gaydar is busted. I don’t think mine ever works. I’m always surprised whenever someone comes out of the closet. Knowing that, I can’t sniff out people like us, unless they’re really out. But sometimes my ears wander, and the things I hear make me suspicious if the people who utter them are really straight or not. Or maybe I’m just malicious.

While in the FX:
Hunky PATTS Student 1: Napanuod ko kagabi si Jewel Mische, ang ganda niya ngayon pre.
PATTS Student 2: Yung sa TV Patrol ba yun? Sa channel 2 na daw siya?
HPS1: Oo. Ewan ko ba, mas maganda talaga siya ngayon.
PS2: Lahat naman ng lumilipat sa 2, gumaganda.
HPS1: Oo nga no, si Karylle. Ka-love team niya ngayon si Gerald
PS2: Ows? Ano na nangyari sa kanila ni Kim Chiu?
HPS1: Hiwalay sila.
PS2: Ah talaga? Sayang naman.
HPS1: Bakit pre, Kimerald ka ba?
PS2: Di no!!! Bea – John Lloyd to. Solid!!!
HPS1: hahaha. Ako Bea – Sarah.

Another instance in the FX:
Girlfriend: Bakit di mo sinasagot yung tawag ko kanina?
Boyfriend: Nanunuod ako ng Glee (this was I think a couple of weeks ago, the wedding episode).

And lastly, a few weeks ago at a colleague’s videoke party:
Cute Guy: (sings Too Many Walls)
Me: Is that guy gay?
Colleague: No. He’s straight. He just likes to sing 80’s songs.
Me: Ahhhhhh. Cool.

I’m confused.

Or disappointed.

OF THOSE WHO WON'T GO AWAY

2010-12-08T03:20:00.001+08:00

If there’s one thing that Engel is not comfortable in, it’s dealing with exes. As much as possible he does not want to be dealing with them. They’re bitter. They compete. They remind you of your past mistakes.

Last Sunday, Engel went to Marikina to meet up with his old friends when lo and behold the first person to greet him in the city is the one person he wants to be avoiding. Cedric, the good time guy.

Cedric was the subordinate when Engel was still a Supervisor. They would sneak off in the middle of the shift to make out in his apartment. He was the ex, who was just all about the sex. Well, to be honest, the sex was great. But he also made Engel one of his male mistresses. Engel was number three. So it did not work out. Now, the good time guy is an indie film actor.

He was with number one. When their eyes met, the good time guy’s eyes widened. It could be surprise. Or shock. He certainly did not expect to bump into Engel that day.

Engel can only say hi. And fake a smile.

The ex greeted him. It was an awkward moment. Engel noticed the ex immediately grabbed his current’s hand. The ex mouthed ‘my boyfriend’ to Engel while pointing at the current.

Engel nodded.

Out of nowhere, the ex grabbed his current’s face and gave him a wet one. Then they left.

Okay, Engel thought. That was mature. It immediately reminded him how bad the relationship was. As awesome as the sex was, the relationship was equally bad.

Engel smirked. In his mind, he felt bad for the current. He was old, bald, and Engel is pretty sure that Cedric’s cheating on him. Thank God, Engel’s grown up and chose better.

Sigh.

Exes.

Can’t live with them.

And they just won’t go away.

But then again, Engel is somebody's ex too.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT POSITIVITY

2010-12-03T23:07:00.000+08:00

Tis the season of emoness, depression and suicidal tendencies... It’s Christmas once again!!!

This would be the second holiday season I’d be spending as a half of a couple, my first time as an adult. I really have a lot to say about it, but I think the few people who still find time to read my blog, amongst the hundreds of brilliant personal blogs these days, are already getting sick of my posting cheesy write-ups.

If there’s one thing I’m proud about my blogs, it’s that I rarely post emo crap in it. I’m not a big fan of emo posts. Unless I know the writer personally, I have low tolerance on depressing things. I’m a believer that there are better things to do to overcome it than just writing about it.

It’s fine writing one every once in awhile. But NOT. Every. Fucking. Time.

My take on that, is these people don’t know how to appreciate the little good things in life. It’s really pathetic. That’s why I hate it when I write these kinds of posts.

This post was supposed to be about positivity. I got carried away on my intro. When the year started, one of my resolutions for 2010 is to change perspective in some aspects of life. A positive outlook does great things. Pragmatists might find it a big load of crap. But if you truly believe in it, eventually these become truths.

Anyway, I think a great number of people who get depressed during the holiday season are those who are still single. Or the poor. Oh, and at least for this year, the people near Mt. Bulusan. So before I move away again from what I’m supposed to write here’s my point: nothing’s going to happen if you’re too pessimistic. You have to do something.

At the very least change how you view things.

· Say if you’re single, at least you’ll have more budget for yourself.
· Or at least no one’s going to force you to watch that cheesy Filipino film entry in the filmfest.
· And you can flirt with others without worrying of being called a cheating whore. Just a whore.
· For those who don’t have money, think of it this way, at least you can finally start the diet you’ve been promising to start a few years ago.
· Or since you’ll be stuck at home, you can now start bonding with your family.
· Or at least you can make your own gift to give to others, and tell them as simple as it is, it came from the heart.
· If you’re disagreeing with your parents, think of it as an opportunity for you to finally become independent.

Again, my point is to stop sulking and complaining. Do something about it.

MY AMNESIA BOY

2010-11-30T22:23:00.001+08:00

Last week, because I had too much time to spare and a little budget to spend, I decided to see My Amnesia Girl.

It is a typical Filipino romcom whose ending was ruined because someone thought they didn’t want the ending to be cliché. Anyway, I’m not going to rant about the film because even with the crappy ending, I still liked it.

It’s really not the film that I wanted to talk about. But there was something about the story that made me ponder.

Is there anything or anyone that happened or came to my life that I wanted to forget?

Unlike Irene (Toni Gonzaga), I haven’t been left standing alone on the altar by my groom. But there are certain things in my life that I know I’d have done without.

Exes.

Embarrassing moments.

Frienemies.

Bad decisions.

I’m not young anymore. I’ve made a lot of bad choices, and there are times I’d wish I could forget all of them. The saying that those things make you better persons in the end sometimes you’d think its crap. You know you’d still be a better person even if your paths haven’t crossed.

There are a couple of things I wanted to forget. Stupid people and wrong choices. But I guess I have to live with it.

How about you, is there anything/anyone you want to forget?

UNDERSTANDING AQUINAS

2010-11-27T06:41:00.003+08:00

The metaphysics of the ‘IS’: The Esse of Aquinas

This is my attempt to help people better understand Aquinas’ Metaphysics.

We have to begin with the core teaching of his Metaphysics, which is esse. To Aquinas, esse is the ‘IS’ or the existence. It is the most essential facet of a ‘being’ (note that throughout this essay we’ll use the word as a noun). In recognizing the importance of esse, we have to first understand the concept of ‘being’.

Let’s have one example to explain Aquinas’ esse, which is this sentence: The runner is running.

We say that the runner is a being. He is a being because he is a ‘someone’ (but a being can actually be anything in the realm of space and time). To Aquinas, a being constitutes two things: essence and esse.

Let’s first discuss essence because it’s easier to understand.

The essence characterizes the being: (1) as it is; and (2) as opposed to other beings.

Thus, we say that what distinguishes a runner from a singer or a dancer is his action, which is running. In this sense, a runner runs otherwise he would be someone else. Therefore, running is the essence of being a runner.

Now let’s discuss esse, the harder concept.

In the sentence, the runner is running, esse is the ‘IS’ insofar as esse is existence. The esse gives rise to the being as ‘it is’ (essence). But, as Aquinas would say, the intellect cannot understand the ‘IS’ without a reference to a being because it is the latter that justifies the former. Thus, we come to know that there ‘IS a runner’. (Note that by knowing the runner we are grasping its essence and not really the esse. This is the reason why some philosophers regard esse as within essence, which is wrong according to Aquinas)

At this point, we make it clear that we are talking about existence in general, whether in thought (Santa Clause ‘IS’ fat) or in reality (the Eiffel Tower ‘IS’ huge).

Now, what distinguishes Aquinas’ esse from other philosophers’ esse is his understanding of its nature. To him, esse is perfect in itself. The being only possesses esse and acts through it to reveal its essence. Thus, Aquinas asserts the superiority of esse over essence. (This is also the key ingredient to his position on the supremacy of God’s esse, which he deems as the First Cause of all things)

In summary, we say that through esse a being exists. Existence is pertained as an act because ‘to be’ is to exist already. And precisely because the being ‘IS’ (the act of existence) we are able to know ‘what it is’ (essence). Thus, Aquinas would say “Aguire Sequitur Esse” or “Action follows being”. But, we are not saying that the process is sequential but rather simultaneous.

I hope this helped in understanding Aquinas’ esse.

*************

I decided to share this blog with the 'kid' as he does not w ant to open his own blog. This is how I'm becoming a little more worldly. Learning philosophy.

WHEN YOU'RE NOT THE THIRD WHEEL

2010-11-23T01:37:00.001+08:00

I have been a third wheel for a very long time, joining couple friends on their dates. It’s awkward. You have to look away when the couples are being cheesy. You try not to puke when they kiss in front of you. It is hard work. Sitting at the back of the car and listening to them tell you some of their dates, knowing full well that you’re not in the dating scene.

I have endured that hundreds of times with my friends.

It’s only now that I realize it’s also difficult being one of the couples and having someone join you as a third wheel.

Last weekend, me and the Kid went out on a date and were joined by a friend who wanted to meet my beau. The date went great; we had a lot of fun. It was me and the Kid’s first time to go to Star City. The fact that the whole thing was his treat, made it awesome.

Anyway, as fun as it was, I found it kind of difficult because there’s someone else apart from the two of us on that date. I had to balance my attention from the Kid and the third wheel. It’s not hard, really. But still, there are things you’d rather do alone than when in front of someone else.

- You constantly have to ask the third wheel if she’s okay.
- Although they’re polite, sometimes you can’t just choose a movie to watch just because you and the beau want to see a particular film.
- You can’t be really sweet with your partner when in front of the third wheel.
- It’s more expensive treating two people than just one.
- Sometimes it’s going to be an issue, especially if the partner does not like the third wheel.
- There are also times you’ll get annoyed because your partner talks to the third wheel more than he/she talks to you.

But then again…

- It is nice when you hear your partner proclaims how much he loves you to the third wheel.
- It’s great when you know that he wants to get to know the people that you love.
- It’s cute when you try to steal kisses or hold hands when the other person’s (the third wheel, not the beau) not around.
- And it’s great when at the end of the day, your friend will tell you that he/she approves of the person you love.

QUICK HITS X: LOW-PROFILE BLOGGERS

2010-11-16T07:11:00.001+08:00

Been blog hopping lately, and I must say I’m really impressed with a lot of the new bloggers emerging on this side of the blogosphere.

Gone were the days when sex was the main hook of writers. Heck, even Soltero’s starting to become sentimental.

But the new ones these days, I’m just wowed by how talented some of the new writers have become. I get nosebleed every time I open the blog of one of the new people I follow. The last time I’ve read so many awesome online journals was when this blog was still new.

Sex still sells though. There’s this one blog I keep on following, not because of his posts but because he’s just hot. He doesn’t do sex posts, which is great, and he’s low profile. I like low profile bloggers.

****************
Speaking of low profile bloggers or bloggers in general, I wonder if all of them open up blogs to become famous.

A lot may disagree, but I think people nowadays do this to get noticed, to become popular. There are even bloggers who put up a blog so they’d be able to meet other bloggers too.

I’m not going to lie but there was a time when I wanted to become a celebrity through my blog. That’s a long shot, still is, but there are days when I hope to achieve that. I’m pretty sure a lot of people share the same sentiment. I mean if that’s not an intention, you could always keep the blog private. Or better yet, just stay writing on journals or notebooks.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to become a celebrity or famous using blogs as a medium. It is a growing trend which shows no signs of declining soon.

I shouldn’t really be worrying or thinking about this too much. Everyone’s got a reason for writing, and it’s their home. I shouldn’t be concerned too much.

I shouldn't be concerned at all.

SOMETHING LIGHT: SLEEPYHEAD

2010-11-10T00:48:00.003+08:00

I haven't been posting anything light here in a long time, have I? This blog wasn't supposed to be about me ranting about other gay people or raving about my love life. This wasn't how my home used to be.

Maybe I've grown up. Or maybe I've become immature. Who knows.

This is why maintaining two blogs is hard.

Anyway, back to the light post thing. This may seem familiar to some of you because I just posted this on my other home.

Last Friday, the Kid and I stayed out late. The Kid's really talkative and sometimes he's just like a child having sugar rush or something. So we were like trying to go to bed already, but he's still wide awake, while I was trying to rest already.

I guess, this is me when I get really sleepy.

Kid: Hon, sino nga yung kontrabida dun sa Betty La Fea?
Me: Si Marcella.
K: Sino nga si Marcella?
M: Si Stella Yulo (HR Manager from where I'm working).
K: Sino si Stella Yulo?
M: Yung kasabayan ni Hopia.
K: Huh, sino si Hopia?
M: Yung sa Going Bulilit.
K: Hon, parang di naman ata magka-age si Hopia tsaka si Stella Yulo.
M: (I woke up)

K: Hon, bakit hindi pa kinakasal sina Morris and Maybe (a couple of my best friends)
M: Kasi magpapalit pa sila ng pangalan.
K: Bakit nila kailangan magpalit ng pangalan?
M: Syempre kasi natatakot sila.
K: Saan naman sila natatakot?
M: Ano ba, e di sa mga terorista.

K: blah blah blah (I really don't remember what we were talking about)
M: Teka lang hon, three minutes, magsusulat lang ako ng short story (snore)
K: (he gave up and went to sleep too)

I remember there was one time also, we were on the phone, and in the middle of him talking, I butt in with...
M: Hon, teka lang ha mag-iigib lang ako ng tubig.

Man, I'm getting old.

RATIONALIZING HOMOSEXUALITY

2010-11-08T08:28:00.007+08:00

Rationalizing Homosexual Love

This is an attempt to justify the morality of homosexual love by arguing its naturalness.

I. The Main Argument against Homosexual Love

“Homosexual love is immoral because it is unnatural.”

To properly understand the context of this main argument, we have to divide the discussion into two parts: (1) the morality of the ‘natural’; and (2) the essence of ‘heterosexual love’.

Sub-argument one: What is natural is moral.

The natural is that which is truthful and rightful since it is grounded on the ‘end’ proper to any being. This ‘end’ is defined as perfection. Thus, to follow the natural is to follow perfection.

Example: It is natural for a chick to become a chicken since by becoming a chicken the chick reaches its individual perfection.

Sub-argument two: Heterosexual love is moral because it is natural.

Heterosexual love permits the conjugal union of man and woman for the generation and education of human species (Natural Law). The naturalness of heterosexual love is based on its ordination towards pro-creation. Thus, to follow pro-creation is to follow the perfection of inter-personal love.

Implication of two sub-arguments: Homosexual love is immoral because it is unnatural. It is unnatural because it cannot pro-create.

II. The Error in the Main Argument

Now, let’s try to address the logical flaw by stating that the morality of inter-personal love can be understood by looking at either of the two facets:

1. The ‘sexual fit’ between the persons involved, that is, that the man is for the woman and the woman for the man; and

2. The love that binding the persons involved, that is, the objective aspect of inter-personal love.

III. Justifying Homosexual Love

Ando so, let’s justify the morality of homosexual love by establishing this main argument:

“Homosexual love is moral inasmuch as the love binding the persons involved follows the objective aspect of inter-personal love.”

Sub-argument: Homosexual love is moral if it perfects both the lover and the beloved.

If love is the movement of the self towards the good to attain perfection, then the objective aspect of inter-personal love (whether heterosexual or homosexual) consists in the perfection of both the lover and the beloved. Perfection entails the cultivation of character, which can only transpire in reciprocal love.

To make this part clearer, we have to consider the development of authentic inter-personal love in four phases:

1. Inter-personal love as attraction.

The lover is attracted to the beloved through his/her physical attributes. Beauty is the essential ‘mover’ of attraction since human beings are naturally attracted to that which pleases the senses.

2. Inter-personal love as desire.

The lover now wants the beloved. Desire is marked by self-centredness insofar as the lover sees the beloved as being good for himself/herself. With desire, the lover’s assessment of the beloved shifts from physical attributes to non-physical attributes like character and intelligence.

3. Inter-personal love as recognition.

The lover now sees the entire self of the beloved—what he/she truly is. This phase combines both the physical and the non-physical attributes of the beloved to form a clearer picture of his/her personhood. If desire is highlighted by choice, recognition is highlighted by acceptance.

4. Inter-personal love as reciprocity: the authentic love.

The lover and the beloved now engage in mutual relationship. Reciprocity follows self-transcendence insofar as the ‘good for the lover’ mindset is transformed into the ‘good for the beloved’ mindset.

In this light, it is only through an ‘other-centred’ perspective that reciprocity can transpire. Reciprocity provides authentic meaning to inter-personal love since it paves the way for the convergence of two persons. This convergence is both exclusive and intimate.

Through reciprocity, both the lover and the beloved become selfless since they aim for the good of each one. Through selflessness, they are able to cultivate their character and become better persons. This is the objective aspect of inter-personal love, that which makes it natural.

Conclusion: Homosexual love is natural if it follows this path to authentic love. By being able to do so, it then becomes moral.

**********

You may be surprised how different this is from the way I write. Well, it's because it's not me who wrote this. The Kid wrote this for me. A few days ago, I asked him to write something for me. This is the one he came up with. It's supposed to be about our relationship.

It made my nose bleed a little, but he's been patient with me, explaining this whole thing.

But he did end up writing something shallow for me. But I'll post it in my other home. :)

THE BLOGGER

2010-10-30T01:15:00.002+08:00

Of all the exes that have been mentioned in my blog there’s only been one that I haven’t written yet. I think it’s about time that I write about this now. One last ex that I haven’t written about here in my home. The last ex I had.

The blogger.

It was I think almost a year ago when I met the blogger. I communicated simply because I wanted to ask for pasalubong from when he comes back to Manila from the province. Apparently, that simple gift-asking turned into flirting. One thing lead to another, and then a day later, the blogger became my beau.

Yeah, it was a whirlwind thing. Looking back, I really didn’t think it through. I was already hesitant when the question was first asked. During that time, I was really digging ‘the kid’. But then, the kid really wasn’t asking for something more than friendship. And then here comes the blogger who doesn’t really know me, asking me to be his beau. Subconsciously, I think I wanted ‘the kid’ to be jealous. So I said yes.

Credit due to the blogger, I did enjoy the first couple of weeks of the relationship. The breakfast dates were wonderful. And he’s the only relationship I had, that my friends actually liked (kid hasn’t met any of my real friends yet, just blog friends). On our first week even, we went out of town. Quezon. That was nice.

We saw each other every day. And I think that’s where the problem started. I saw the blogger every day. I have this personality, I guess, wherein I get saturated easily. I didn’t get the alone time which I was used to (being single for 2 years prior to this one). I felt strangled. Caged.

And then there’s the kid. If I did subconsciously plan to make the kid jealous, it worked. The kid became more attentive. Sweeter. He got my attention. And so I started cheating, I guess.

The difference between the two, is that I know ‘the kid’ much better. I’ve known him longer. And whenever we talk, we never ran out of things to say to each other. The blogger was the opposite. Conversations over the phone usually includes, ‘hmmm’, ‘what’ ‘la lang’, and ‘I love you’. Or I guess I stopped trying.

Things didn’t really help especially when I told a few blog friends the identity of my beau. Some laughed. There was one who was cryptic about the blogger. I didn’t really ask too much detail because for one, the blogger was honest with me regarding his issues with other bloggers. But as they say, once a seed is planted, it’s not going to go away.

And I was just bad. Towards the end of the relationship, say when I was talking to the blogger, whenever I received a text from ‘the kid’ that he wants to talk, I’d hang up on him to call the latter. I wasn’t being fair. I wasn’t being honest. And that was wrong.

One day when I went out to meet a friend, I told him my situation. I realized if I let this continue, I’m running the risk of losing them both. So I had to choose. The person who makes me feel secure. Or the person who makes me smile.

I chose the person who makes me smile.

That night, when I got home, I texted the blogger and asked for a cool off.

I gave him a call a few days later and he asked me if things could still be fixed. I didn’t want to give him false hopes. Apart from our school, we had nothing in common. And I don’t want to hurt him more than I already did.

It took me awhile to write this. It’s hard when you know you’re the villain of the story. I was the bad guy. I was in the wrong. I’ve apologized for it. And karma’s already got me twice over. But it’s been a year already. I’d like to believe we’ve moved on. He’s got his new beau, and I’m with my ‘kid’. Things are okay now.

Relationships are hard. But it’s a tough life.

BOOKS

2010-10-27T03:47:00.002+08:00

I read books too. There was a time in my life that I had to buy one book come payday. I love reading. It takes me to a world different from my own. Whenever I read one, I feel I'm right beside the hero/heroine on their journey to become a better person or make the world a better place.

I love reading books.

I just don't know why I stopped liking them.

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK
This was the first novel I bought. My initiation to the geek world. My first foray to the world of literature. And in my opinion, Michael Crichton's best work ever. When I was younger, I was immersed in the world of Dino Riders, so reading something about dinosaurs gets me really giddy. Back then, I liked bringing it to school, it made me look smart. In a school full of boys, reading novels gets you noticed by the teachers easier. Specially if you do that in the middle of class. Yeah, I favored this over algebra, that's why I almost failed in high school. But I will never forget this book.

THE GRAVEYARD BOOK
This is my favorite Neil Gaiman book. One of his bests, I'd say. It's sort of like The Jungle Book only set in the graveyard. It's a mishmash of Bod's different adventures that becomes related in the end. Brilliant writing, I should say. Unforgettable characters. Smart script. And poignant storytelling. Everything that Gaiman is known for.

THE HUNGER GAMES SERIES
I haven't finished this book yet, am about done with the second book, but it's already frontrunning for the best title I've read all year. Granted, this was one of only two books I've read this year. Katniss Everdeen is one of the most fully developed literary character I've read this year. I'm looking forward to finishing the trilogy this weekend. Hopefully, I won't be busy
much and sleepy so I won't be bothered when finishing this title.

HARRY POTTER (THE WHOLE SERIES)
What's not to love? I've read each book multiple times loving it more each time I finish it again. I love magic. The mythology of Harry Potter is just engrossing. I've seen all the movies, bought all the books, have their dvd's. And I'm so looking forward to when the movie opens a few weeks from now. My absolute favorite of all seven books, probably would be The Prisoner of Azkaban. In my opinion, this would be the best thing JK Rowling wrote. Sets up the rest of the series.

THE LIFE OF PI
I love this book. This book made me cry. It made me think. It made me feel for the characters. I don't know. Books about animals tugs something in me. It's really brilliant, specially when you get to the end, when the writer begins to make you question the whole story that you've read. It was really brilliant, if you ask me. I forgot the name of the author of this book, but he has a new series out now, and I want to buy that one too.

I have a lot more actually, I love Dan Brown books, Memoirs of a Geisha, I find Nick Hornby books witty. I've lost sleep finishing Mitch Albom's inspiring books.

My geekiness is not only about video games and comic books. Believe it or not, I read boks too. Soon, I'll start reading the non-fictional ones.

I want to become worldly.

WHIRLWIND

2010-10-21T01:05:00.001+08:00

Was reading Iurico’s latest endeavour with romance and I realized what’s wrong with PLU relationships.

Not that he’s doing anything wrong. This is only my opinion. I may be wrong, but I’ve been looking at patterns, with mine and people I read about in the blogosphere. We love whirlwind romances. We meet someone today, and then tomorrow we’re a couple. A week / month later, we break up.

This is a generalization. I’m sure not everyone does this. But it is common. I read about it a lot. I’ve done it a few times. And now I ask, what’s wrong with waiting?

You hear a lot of these stories. Two people danced with each other for the first time one night, the next day they’re a couple. Someone texts or talks over the phone for 5 hours, and on the sixth they’re already in a relationship. You see someone eyeing you at a mall, an hour later you have a boyfriend.

With my past endeavours, I remember feeling that after a couple of hours conversing with each other, that I already know a person. Add the fact that the guy was sweet, and the next day I was updating my relationship status. A few weeks later, I discover things about the person that I really didn’t like.

I don’t know why people always have to be in a hurry. We settle for what we see on the surface, then regret when we finally discover their imperfections, things that are irritating about them. And then we realize we don’t know them at all. A few days later, we’re single again.

Whatever happened to the getting-to-know-each-other stage? What happened to the courting period? Or am I just thinking of straight relationships? Why do people have to be in a hurry to fall in love?

MIXED FEELINGS

2010-10-15T17:50:00.004+08:00

RELIEF
I'm no longer in a relationship with a teenager.

I think I can breathe a sigh of relief now. Before when someone asks me how old is the guy I'm with, I was kinda reluctant giving out his age. They always tease me of being a cougar, a pedophile, if given the chance, someone might even call Bantay Bata 163.

I don't have to worry about it now. Not anymore.

We did not break up.

He's turning 20 this Sunday.

STRESS
Sometimes dating the Kid is kinda stressful. You see he's still in college, and you know what that means: term papers, projects, the whole lot. And being the supportive boyfriend that I am, I help out.

There are times at work I'm so stressed out, I want to go back to school. But sometimes when I help out, I change my mind. College is hard.

Although I like helping him out. We have a similar course in college, and my marketing skill is a bit rusty. So helping out makes me feel great. I'm way outdated in terms of Marketing, but it's nice to have your brain working if only a little.

ANXIETY
Sometimes I feel anxious writing about my relationship here in my blog. I don't want to seem like the type of person who's in a relationship only for the first time. I didn't like reading them in others, and I don't want to be that kind of guy.

But then again, I'm learning in this relationship. I'm growing up. And I blog because it's always great to read back on how much I've changed.

So yeah, puke all you want, be bitter, be happy, I don't really care. I like writing about my Kid. And I don't think I'll be stopping anytime soon.

QUICK HITS IX

2010-10-08T00:42:00.001+08:00

I think I’m not gonna rant anymore. I tend to get misunderstood.

Had a few responses offline from people who’ve read my blog about the last post. I was just speaking my mind. No, it’s not about another blogger. I’m not angry. I was a bit disappointed about some things I found out about what a friend’s (?) been saying behind my back.

Anyway enough about the rants, I’m all about positivity, optimism and all that crap.

**********
I had an interesting conversation with a friend regarding blog readers the other day. It was really interesting and made me think about the people who read my blog.

It made me think of the profile of the people who read or follow my blog. I’m pretty sure 95% are guys who live alternative lifestyles. But I’d like to know more specifically, what kind of people my readers are.

Like how many are smart? Or how many are shallow? I know I don’t have a lot of ‘fabulous’ bloggers or readers (those who openly flaunt their sexuality), I think they usually flock those sexually charged blogs.

I don’t know, but I think it would be nice to know what kind of people read my blog now… if there are still people who read my blog.

**********
I’m having a hard time finding really interesting blogs these days. There are a few, but they’re like popular. Where are those low profile yet awesome bloggers these days? I miss those writers. New bloggers nowadays seem to be all about getting attention.

Now that made me think, I’ve been following some note-worthy bloggers, reading them regularly because they are awesome. But I haven’t linked them. It’s more like following these bloggers silently. They are great finds mind you, really talented writers.

Am I being selfish not sharing them with the public? I mean if you find something beautiful, it’s meant to be shared, right. But I can’t. Well, more like I don’t want to. Not yet. These treasures are my finds. I’d like to savour them first. They’re not yet corrupted by the idea of wanting to become popular. Their posts are sincere.

Oh and one of them looks kinda hot (yeah I'm stalking, but nothing to worry bout hon. :D).

**********
I’ve lost six pounds in the last week. I have to keep it up; the kid wants me to be fitter. I’m not doing it for him; I’m doing the whole healthy living thing for myself. It was once said, our age difference is eight years, and if I want us to spend more time together I have to start taking care of myself.

I’ve been putting it off, but I’m really going to start working out again really soon. The goal is to get back to my college body.

As far as I can tell, I’m off to a great start.

Getting sick recently helped me lose weight so that was awesome.

SINCERITY

2010-10-06T01:42:00.003+08:00

Can someone truly be happy for others?

I’m not really sure. The world is full of bitter people. They feign happiness for people, but rant about it with others.

It doesn’t suck. I guess its human nature for people to be bitter. Maybe it’s because they don’t own what other people have. It could also be because they can’t do stuff as well as others. Or they're just jealous.

But it makes you question the sincerity. Do people really mean it when they say they’re happy for you?

I mean if you're going to be insincere about it, might as well just shut up, right?

It just makes someone sound like a sore loser.

Yeah, I'm a jerk. I'm an ass and a prick.

And I'm not gonna apologize about it.

OCTOBER

2010-10-02T01:08:00.003+08:00

There's alot of reasons to celebrate this month of October. A lot of reasons to be happy. Let us count the ways:

This is the start of the richness months (October til January) at work.
Me and my 'kid' will celebrate our first year of knowing each other this month and we'll celebrate by going out of town. Our first out-of-town trip.
And we'll be celebrating our 5th month as a couple this month too.
At work, this month we'll celebrate our first year of going live on our Operating Unit.
Halloween is just around the corner. If Rudeboy will make good on his word, that means I'm about to meet him.
October is also 'kid's' birthday month and sembreak. Hopefully we'll see each other more this month.
Our clique's second baby will be baptized this month. Too bad I don't have money right now, and won't be able to join them.
I like that it's rainy this season. Makes sleeping easier. I love sleeping.
I'm excited because Christmas is just around the corner, and I'm not gonna be single this Christmas.
This month, some balikbayan friends will be staying over. I remember she has this cute kids for sons. I reckon they'd be teenagers now. Can't wait to see how they look these days, I bet they're hot.

QUICK HITS VIII

2010-09-23T17:07:00.002+08:00

I'm sick. Just found out I have kidney stones.

It sucks being unhealthy. I hate it.

And it's really expensive to get sick these days. Stupid clinic doesn't accept medicard. Plus meds. Ugh, I'm bankrupt.

**********
A blog friend recently asked me which of my two blogs is my main blog.

I don't think I have one. Both blogs have different purposes. The other one's almost five years old, and this one's where I can talk about myself more openly without the fear of being misunderstood.

While my sexuality isn't a secret anymore on both blogs, I still don't think the two blogs aren't redundant.

**********
I saw the first episode of Glee yesterday and man did it give me so much goosebumps. The episode itself wasn't really that awesome. But Charice was excellent. I love her Telephone battle with Rachel and Listen.

Makes one really proud of being Filipino.

Too bad she's not going to be a member of New Directions. I hate Rachel.

THAT ONE NIGHT

2010-09-15T13:29:00.002+08:00

"Why do you love me?" he asked, pushing me a bit further when I attempted to kiss him.

It made me think. We've only really known each other for two weeks. "Hmmmm. Because you're nice. You're funny. You make me smile everyday. And look at you, you're gorgeous."

He hugged me.

"Let's do this," he said. He started kissing me in the neck. My arms. My cheeks.

I like the way he smelled. Like the scent cigarette smoke lingered on his body. I kissed back. His neck. His chest. His torso. His armpits. His body was poetry made flesh. My fingers played with every curve brought about by his muscles. I licked his neck. My fetish. He giggled. I must remember to shave my beard the next time.

"You like that?" I asked.

He moaned. He pushed my shoulders down.

I obliged.

It was the night I've ever had. What we had was great. What we had was real. What we had was beautiful. It was magic.

It was not just sex. It was love-making. Passion and heat making music.

I knew then we were in love.

We held hands when we slept. I was secure sleeping inside his hugs.

This was the most unforgettable night I've ever had.

If only I knew, I'd ask for this evening to never end. For this feeling to last forever. For time to stand still.

Because after that night, I never heard from him again.

********************
This is fiction. Was thinking of actually posting this on pex, but I wanted to post this here first. Haven't really written an english fiction in a loooooong time.

Hope you like it.

IN SPITE OF THE DIFFERENCE

2010-09-14T02:03:00.002+08:00

Funny how sometimes you see how couples are such a mismatch, yet they are still able to keep a lasting relationship.

When you look at me and the kid, I’m pretty sure you’d think the same way. This couple’s a real mismatch. I’m 28, he’s 19. I’m a simpleton, while he’s a bit classy (coniotic). He’s really smart, while I’m just smart. I’m kind of big, while he’s kind of small. I don’t even want to take a photo of the two of us together because I look like his uncle.

But we’re still together. Four months in the relationship this month, and one year of being friends the next. After all we’ve been through, who would’ve thought? But we still made it work. We are making it work.

We sometimes talk about why we work out. Why in spite of our differences we get along really well. Here are some of them:

We talk. We talk a lot. We talk twice or three times everyday. We talk about everything. We don’t keep things to each other. I let him know that someone once flirted with me in the bus. He tells me whenever I say something stupid. I tell him when he’s wrong. We argue, we bicker and we fight, but we always talk.
Speaking of fighting, not that we always do, but when we argue, we make sure that it get fixed the same day or at least the next. We never had an issue that lasted longer than one day. The kid has some anger management issues, and I often just leave him alone when he’s not in the mood. I don’t provoke because the tendency is we’ll just say something that will hurt the other. But at the end of it all, we talk about the problem and we compromise.
We don’t see each other often. Because of our schedules, mine with work and him with his school, we rarely get to meet. That’s also the reason why we don’t get tired of each other. Absence does make the heart go fonder. It’s because of that, that every meet-up we have becomes something really special.
I guess most importantly, we just love each other. And we let each other know that everyday.

I make him a better man, just as much as he more than completes me.

THE MALE MISTRESS

2010-09-08T23:27:00.001+08:00

I was chatting the other day with Kane about being the third party in a relationship. I was then asked if I ever was one, the other man. I said no.

That night, I was still bothered by that answer. I don’t know why, I was sure during that time I was telling the truth. I’ve never been the other man.

And then it hit me. I did. I was. I’ve been the other man. I’ve been a male mistress. I entered into a relationship before knowing that I am not the only guy in someone’s life. It was with the good time guy.

Third party isn’t even accurate. I was the fourth party. The guy hag a girlfriend and a boyfriend at the same time he had me. But that time, I knew I had the upper hand because we were working together. We see each other all the time, and the sex was great.

The relationship did not last long. I had to let go of the awesome sexy time, because apart from that, the two of us had nothing. We have nothing in common. Every time we try to start a conversation, talk about each other, we always ended up fighting. Plus add the fact that back then, I wasn’t ready to tell the world who I was, and that was his problem. He wanted us to hang out in public places where my subordinates then would easily see us. I can’t do that. He was sweet and all, but once 5pm comes, he cuts all communications with me to be with his number one or number two (I don’t care to remember anymore).

It was a crazy one month, what we had. But I don’t think I’d ever do that again, being the third party. Even if let’s say they tell me they’re in an open relationship. I wouldn’t want to hurt someone intentionally (and myself if that person decides not to choose me in the end).

And then there’s karma.

I hear she’s a bitch.

THE DRIVE

2010-09-03T00:51:00.006+08:00

We were on our way home from our man-date in Tagaytay when we arrived on an intersection.

The light was red. We stopped.

It was an awkward moment. The first time we went out after the big friendship fallout. Save for the music playing on the radio, we just kept silent. Everything that need be said, was said. Except for that one thing.

“How did you feel when I told you I love you?” I asked.

Joy laughed. This was the first time we talked about it, since we became friends again. I thought the topic was taboo, as there was too much drama that happened after the huge revelation.

"Honestly bro, I felt betrayed. During that time, ang bigat ng loob ko diba, with the whole break-up thing, and ikaw yung isa sa mga nagbibigay lakas sakin nun. And then you had to do that."

He was already moving on when that incident happened. He was going out on dates again. I thought that I was losing him. And one drunken evening I made the mistake of texting him how I felt.

But he didn't have to know that. It's all over. Behind us. What we're doing, why we went out is rebuilding the friendship. It's been two years since we last saw each other, there's no need for drama.

"I'm sorry," I ended.

He smiled. Punched me in the arm and stepped on the gas. "Don't worry about it."

Suddenly, it's not awkward anymore.

*********************
There are two guys that I write alot about here in my blog. One's of course "my kid." And the other one is Joy.

To those who are new here, Joy was the one who got away. The love that was not meant to be (well he's straight, that's why). The friend I almost lost. One of my best friends.

He celebrated his birthday yesterday, so here I am posting my tribute to him.

Belated Happy Birthday my friend!!!

ON LOVE STORIES

2010-08-29T18:28:00.003+08:00

Would Cinderella be beloved if she didn't have those cruel stepmother and sisters? Would we still like Snow White if she didn't bite that poisoned apple? If the Beast was a normal prince, would Beauty and the Beast be interesting?

Love stories, the real life ones, are very interesting to listen to. To read about. It gives us hope. Make us believe. It's always great, specially if they ended happily.

But behind the destined kiss. Before those three words are sincerely uttered. The people behind them, they go through love's ups and downs. The ups are always great, but just as well are the downs. The partners exes, complications, the baggages, our friends who disagree, anything that's attached when it comes to gay relationships, all these things that test how strong the foundations of love have been built upon.

No matter how bad that makes us feel about our relationships, it's what makes our love stories great.

If my love story consisted of meeting and falling for my kid, you'd probably get bored. Heck, I'd be bored and might already be single two months ago. Yeah, I cried alot before we became what we are. Yeah several goodbyes were attempted, and they were each equally depressing. But that's fine. In the end it was all worth it. All these things, they're just spices that make our stories interesting.

On love stories, what's important is we believe, we found, we loved, and we fight for it.

Isn't that what love stories are all about?

********************
For those who believe, look and fight for love.

For those looking for someone who'll make them smile.

WOULD YOU STILL LIKE ME

2010-08-24T01:43:00.002+08:00

when you find out I have these weird habits?

I LET MY ALARM SNOOZE 4 TIMES BEFORE I WAKE UP... I love to sleep, and don't normally look forward to going to work.

WHEN SLEEPING MY FEET SHOULD ALWAYS BE ELEVATED... I don't know if I'm the only one who does this, but I have to have a pillow under my feet when I sleep. Either that or I place my feet on the walls. Specially when I'm tired.

I LIKE PUTTING CHEESE ON MY RICE... Whether it's the cheese spread or I grate cheese, I want my rice to have flavor. The viand is usually not enough for me. But I do this more when the ulam has tomato sauce on it... parang spaghetti lang.

SPEAKING OF EATING... I'm not used to eating on the table with people. I tend to eat on my own other than the dining table. Even if we're having a family dinner, I often eat away from my family. Usually in front of the television or computer.

I CANNOT LEAVE MY HOUSE WITHOUT A SIGN PEN... I have no use for it other than at work, but I always bring a pen with me whenever I go out. My take on it, there will be a time that I'll be signing autographs for fans.

I SLEEP WITH PILLOWS ALL AROUND ME... I think I need six pillows to sleep peacefully. Pamalit kasi wala akong yinayakap... huhuhu

I DON'T LIKE THE TASTE OF SOFTDRINKS... I know it's not a weird habit, but it's just weird. I don't like how coke, sprite or whatever softdrinks feel in my mouth. That's why I don't drink too much of it. It's crazy i know, but at least it's healthy!!!

I LIKE TO TALK BACKWARDS SOMETIMES... I usually do this when I'm alone. It's my secret language. Something like this: oka is treblig. oti ya gnasi driew gniht tuoba em. And I can do it quickly too.

SOMETHING ABOUT PLATE NUMBERS... When I'm commuting, I always look at plate numbers, and I always list down the first letters of plate numbers of cars until I complete the alphabet. But until now, I've never seen a car whose plate number starts with the letters O and Q.

I TALK TO MYSELF... That's because I'm semi-autistic. I'm used to talking to myself. I oftentimes interview myself, whenever I'm alone. No I'm not crazy, but when you're an only child with practically no one to talk to when you're growing up, chances are you'd be like me. Di ako baliw... autistic lang... minsan.

So there's mine. I think I've humiliated myself enough already with this list. What are your weird habits?

***************

By the by, me and the kid are officially celebrating our third month together today!! I know I told myself and the kid, that I won't count. But I can't help it. Every month's a record breaker for this relationship.

A STRAIGHT POST FOR A CHANGE: GAMING

2010-08-20T23:34:00.000+08:00

I have both next gen consoles, the PS3 and the XBox 360 (I actually have 2 of this one).

Both were purchased on impulse. I bought the XBox because I thought it's such a shame I can't play the titles I've already bought before my first one broke down. And the PS3, well that one was my consolation for backing out from buying a condominium unit.

So anyway, aside from my 'kid', this is the other thing that's keeping me from bloghopping as much as I did before. This is who you should thank, for Engel not being a blog whore anymore.

And here are my favorite games, in no particular order:

RED DEAD REDEMPTION (XBOX 360)
This was the last game I played before writing this post. I love sandbox games and this is one of the best out there. Imagine you're an ex-outlaw during the end or start of the 1900's. You ride horses to get to towns. You hunt for bandits. You kill wolves, cougars, foxes, vultures. You tame wild horses. Oh, and you also take part in a civil war in Mexico and journey a long way to find your ex-partners. I love this game.

GRAND THEFT AUTO IV (XBOX 360 / PS3)
If there's a game I love more than Red Dead Redemption, that would be Grand Theft Auto IV. I started this on my XBox, but unfortunately my first console broke down. Now that I have a PS3, I thought why not continue Niko Bellic's quest for revenge on my new console. Here, you take a tour of virtual New York (called Liberty City). Drive people around for your cousin, and along the way beat up gangsters, fuck women, listen to the radio, watch television, ride helicopters, and even watch stand up comedians in their shows. God, listening to the radio alone is already worth what you paid for in this game.

ELDER SCROLLS IV OBLIVION (XBOX 360 / PS3)
I loved GTA IV, because there are hundreds of things to do in that game. Elder Scrolls on the other hand gives you a thousand of things to occupy your time. My geek out title. This is a massive RPG title that lets you customize your character, clothes, weapons, magic, basically everything. Playing about 50 hours of this game, I've already forgotten about the main story. I'm just in awe with some of the most beautiful and spectacular sceneries in a video game. Ever. This might be boring for some, but these are my kinds of games.

MASS EFFECT SERIES (XBOX 360)
Speaking of beautiful games. This one is just absolutely gorgeous in all aspects. The gameplay is easy. The story, epic. The characters, pretty (you know I'm gay when I'm adding the words pretty in a post about video games). It's just one of the most engaging games I have played in my many years of playing console games. This is an RPG that's set in outer space. It doesn't allow you the freedom of exploring as say, GTA or RDR, but still when you're following the story of Commander Shephard and his crew of awesome space soldiers, you won't be able to do anything else but just play. You'd be surprised you've been playing it for 18 hours already. Jaw dropping, I say.

FINAL FANTASY XIII (PS3)
Just because I've played almost all the titles since Final Fantasy VII came out, I'm adding this. But that doesn't mean it's not a good game, because for awhile, this was the only thing I was playing on my new console. I just got tired a bit of playing only one title. I think I have ADHD. Anyway, this is another beautiful game. The one thing you could say that Squaresoft is great at in any of their video games, it's making one hell of a CGI movie. Everytime I see one, I can't help but just be in awe. Yeah, the lines are cheesy, campy or whatever, but this is why we play Japanese RPG's. This is what they're known for.

UNCHARTED 2: AMONG THIEVES (PS3)
I never thought it would be possible to fall in love with a video game character. But when I played this title, damn! Nate Drake is one sexy thief. He's funny. Good looking. Smart. He knows darn difficult acrobatics. Unfortunately, not one second in the ten hour game did he take his clothes off. In fact, as the game gets deeper, he put on more clothes. Damn snow!!! I hate games set in cold places. They suck. This one is an exception though. This was the first (make that only) game I've finished in PS3. Ten hours of great visuals, great acting, awesome gameplay. I don't know, it's just good! No, it's better than good, it's absolutely fantastic!

GEARS OF WAR 2 (XBOX 360)
This is my macho game. Marcus Phoenix, an ex-convict off to war to destroy Locust aliens who've taken over the planet. This is another epic game. The second of a trilogy. Everything about this game is big. From your character, to your weapons, to those fricking huge aliens. Big. The first title was the reason I was almost imprisoned (that's an exagerration). But yeah, I can't help it. The game's so engaging, I didn't find it troubling playing it in the middle of the night, with the speakers almost on full volume. It's a loud game, what with all the shooting and shouting. But damn this one's awesome! One of the best exclusive games for the XBox. This game's worth explaining to barangay officials why I woke up half the neighborhood in the middle of a weeknight.

ASSASSIN'S CREED 2 (XBOX 360)
I like playing assassins. It's awesome being sneaky and stealthy and killing people behind their backs. Maybe I'm a backstabber in the making, I don't know. But there's a certain thrill in plunging a weapon on an unsuspecting victim. But that's not why I love playing AC2. Ezio's story is as engaging as all the other titles on this list, and it's got that sandbox feel again, which I love in my video games. But the one thing this title gives to me that others fail to do, is the feeling of vertigo. I love the feeling when you're perched on top of a tower looking over the grand cities/towns/land below you. And then jumping down to I don't know probably hundreds or thousands of feet. Just writing about it already gives me the jitters.

RESIDENT EVIL V (XBOX 360)
What's a favorite games list without including the original Survivor Horror series. Okay, I must admit this isn't the best title of the Resident Evil games (and I haven't actually finished it yet, shame on me), but still it's a game that makes you scream whenever you see a zombie (or a possessed native African) chasing after you with an ax. It's still scary.

Still have yet to play other games people have been raving about like Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriot (I'm scared to start this game), God of War 3, Heavy Rain on the PS3, and Alan Wake, Fallout 3 (can't find a copy for XBox or PS3 on this one) on XBox 360. But once I have the budget, I'll do that.

ON ATTRACTION

2010-08-17T22:48:00.000+08:00

I've always been honest in my blog. Specially when it comes to my looks. Take away people's expectations.

On the scale of 1 to 10 I'm probably a 5 or a 6. When I was younger, a 9 (okay, 7.5).

Anyway, I'm not attractive. Not so much.

Anymore.

I have this theory though, one way to boost your 'attractiveness' is to be in a relationship.

I don't know, but somehow people are attracted to me more when I'm with someone as compared to when I was single. This is based on experience.

I wrote this before, way back when I was starting with this blog. The one time I was on a date, there were a few people who showed interest in me. One even had to show off his dick while we were in the restroom.

It happened again today. On my way home, someone actually sought me out, sat beside me, and ran his fingers on my arms. And he actually flirted with me a little.

Normally, I would've punched the living daylights out of that guy. But he was kinda hot. If only he wasn't too effeminate. I'm not a hypocrite, I like the feeling of being attractive.

I have no plans on cheating on my 'kid'. The guy asked for my details, and I gave him fake ones. I hope he did not text or call the number I gave him. Jonathan does not exist.

I honestly don't know how attraction works. Why these things happen. It may be because I'm too happy with the relationship, that it manifests itself in me physically. It could be the thrill of chasing ang conquering someone's property. Who knows, maybe I really am attractive.

I don't know.

One of life's mysteries, I guess.

QUICK HITS VII

2010-08-14T19:35:00.004+08:00

I find lesbians interesting.

I have few gay friends, and fewer still gay females.

I don't know.

I think I like lesbians.

**********
Joel McHale is a comic genius.

I like him in The Soup, but I'm loving him in Community.

It's really a good show.

Too bad I'm watching it with my family, yet I'm the only one laughing.

Sigh.

**********
For those who've been reading this blog before.

The real reason why I haven't been writing as much as I did before.

Not the love life. That's a part of it. Not the no internet at work crap. I still think that's sad. But whatever.

But lately, my day's been occupied by Playstation 3.

I'm currently playing Obliviion IV. It's an old game. But it's addicting.

I'm such a geek.

**********
Oh, and at work, I'm lending my comic books to this girl from our team.

I don't know.

It's nice when someone shows interest in the things I'm interested in.

I'm not that I'm becoming straight. Because I'm so in love with my kid.

But I don't really know alot of people personally that is interested in comic books.

I like being able to talk someone about it.

It's fun.

INTIMACY

2010-08-11T00:01:00.001+08:00

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked.

He gave me a smile and a nod.

"You know you don't have to," I said

"I want to make you happy."

**********
"Isa lang ang hihingin ko sa'yo," sabi ko sa kanya. Kakatapos lang ng lahat ng drama sa pagitan naming dalawa. We were finally a couple.

"What?" tanong niya.

"I just want to hear you say 'I love you' at least once a day," hiling ko.

"Yun lang pala. Wala na bang mas hihirap pa dun?" biro niya.

**********
We kissed. A long one. Passionate. I hugged him tighter. It has been awhile.

I did not want to forget the feeling of his body next to mine.

I know he felt the same. He hugged me tight too.

**********
"I'm giving you the freedom to fuck whoever you want, habang ganito pa tayo." sabi niya.

"What, you mean open relationship?" tanong ko.

"Oo."

Di nako nagsalita. Nabwisit ako sa sinabi niyang iyon.

"Wui. Dyan ka pa?"

"Mmm," sagot ko.

**********
I ran my fingers on his face. Like painting his features in my head. It might take awhile before I see him again.

He was staring at me.

"Smile," he told me.

I obliged. Like a child, he hugged me again.

He whispered, "I love you." He looked at me again. Playful this time.

I gestured for him to kiss me.

**********
"Kunico might be coming back from Japan next month," sabi niya.

"Imeet mo siya?" tanong ko.

"I don't know. I'm confused." sagot niya.

Siya yung ex na alam kong minahal niya. Muntik na silang magkaanak. Siguro kung nagkatuluyan sila, malabong naging kami.

"Basta, dyan ka lang ha, the next few weeks I'll be super busy na with school. Baka di na tayo makakapag-usap ng ganito during that time."

"Okay," yan lang ang kayang isagot ko.

**********
I came first. Could be the age. Could be the overenthusiasm. But I came first.

"Want me to give you head?" he asked.

"No," I protested, "I'm okay."

He didn't let me finish. Still wet, he went down.

The few bobs he did was good. I was delirious. But he stopped.

I looked at him.

**********
"Ang labo mo! Mamaya na tayo mag-usap!" sabi niya sabay baba ng telepono.

Hindi ko na maalala kung ano ang pinag-awayan namin.

Ilang oras din siyang hindi nagparamdam.

"Sorry," sabi ng text niya.

Di ko na talaga maalala kung ano yung di namin napagkasunduan.

**********
He looked like a kid who tasted semen for the first time. Well he did.

I laughed.

The poor kid.

"I told you you don't have to do that." I motioned for him to come closer. I hugged him.

"I don't think I could do that again," he confessed.

"Awww. It's okay." I kissed him and let him lie on my chest.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"I love you," he said.

All the doubts I had before are now gone.

He does love me.

DAY FIVE: SURPRISE

2010-08-07T00:13:00.001+08:00

"Sometimes we just have to surprise each other."

A good friend told me this the other day.

With what happened to me in the past few months, I think I've already filled my quota for my plan to have 10 spontaneous days for 2010. Some weren't written because I was lazy, and there are things that are better kept to ourselves.

But I promised to write of 10 spontaneous days, so in the blog world, this would be my fifth.
To you this may be the first time you'll be visiting this blog, and you stumbled here because I've linked this blog from my other home.

It might confuse you. What's the difference here and the other home? Why do I have to have two blogs? Why do I have to do this now? What's in it for me?

Read through the past posts, you'll probably understand.

This might seem familiar. You may have been here before. You might even be following both blogs already, you just didn't realize.

But just like the great Manny Pacquiao said, "now you know."

**********
To those who follow this blog and not the other one, you may need to visit this to understand better.

This is me being spontaneous.

There could be backlash. People might react negatively. Who knows. My officemates my read this and start spreading the news. I mean it doesn't matter, I'm not popular in the office.

Have I thought this through? NO.

Am I ready to face the consequences? I'm not really sure. We cross the bridge when we get there.

Is it really necessary? Not alot of people in the blogosphere know me personally, and those who do, most probably already know. And to be honest, I can keep this thing up for as long as I want, but it's a small world everyone's bound to know about it eventually.

So I guess, surprise!

ENGEL TELLS ALL IN FIVE PARAGRAPHS

2010-08-03T05:26:00.003+08:00

Let me be reminiscing this post. Engel's celebrating his first year of existence in the blogosphere.

Do you remember when he wrote using a third person's perspective? Yeah, that was stupid. He did it because he wanted this blog to sound a bit different from his straight blog. He got over it though, after he came back from his first hiatus.

How many hiatus did I actually go through in the span of a year? The first one was because I fell in love. The second was when I got my heart broken the first time by 'the kid.' And the last was when I just lost interest in some of the people on this side of the blogosphere. I honestly don't know if I'm going to go through another hiatus, I'm sure if that happens, I won't write about it no more. Anyway, I don't write as often as I'd like anymore anyway. Not here, and not in my other home. Maybe I ran out of things to say. Much has been said?

I initially had alot to say when I opened this blog. There is a reason why this was called a 'tell all.' This was where I was supposed to write without inhibitions. I wrote about other bloggers, myc crushes, my boss, my exes, the loves of my life. This is where I shared who I really am without fear of being judged, misinterpreted or misunderstood. I wanted this place so I can be me.

Apparently being me sometimes tend to get people to react differently. I've been called alot during the one year I've been writing. From brilliant, to stupid, to being defensive, people have called me many things. I've been told I'm too intense. Optimistic. Tactless. Funny. Desperate. Negastar. Heck there was even a time someone said, "I don't deserve to be loved." I welcome all of those opinions. I respect them. And I learn from them. That is the goal of writing, I believe, so you will learn. And I've learned a lot.

Did the one year change me? Definitely. Engel was supposed to be anonymous. Now, I've met alot of my fellow bloggers 'round the world wide web. Making connections. Building relationships. Even as far as entering a 'relationship.' I've become a bit more spontaneous, specially this year. I've done alot of stupid things during those days of spontaneity. Some of them are major fails, but you know, that's how I could say I lived. The best part is, I started writing here as a single guy, chronicling my single life. But now I can't stop bragging about having a love life. Yeah, that last line's making me smile.

All that, and it's still six days before this blog turns one.

TWO MONTHS IN

2010-07-28T07:49:00.002+08:00

If there's one thing that scares me at this moment, it's to have another failed relationship.

Don't get me wrong, we're not on the rocks or anything. I'm quite happy and content with what we have. I go to sleep smiling, and that same smile's pasted on my lips every time I wake up (and that's not just because I have a new PS3).

I trust the kid. I know and I feel that what he has for me, it's genuine. And right now, I'm confident that this will be a long and happy relationship. We make plans for the future (and he hasn't even graduated yet).

But being born on February, crazy insecure me sometimes linger in thought. For no reason at all, some things bother me.

Fact: he is a kid. At nineteen, when you're in love you'd think that what you have at the moment is the one thing you've wanted all your life. What if one day he wakes up, and he decides, it's not enough? I'm not enough.

It scares me to think that that day will come. And it might. But that was the risk I took the day I decided to continue being his friend nine months ago. When after all the shit he put me through after Christmas, I still took him back. That after he almost broke my heart a few months ago, we still became a couple.

The fear could be a fact. I may just be paranoid.

But like I told my friend Kane, even if there is a possibility that it will happen, it doesn't mean that I'll just give up and give him a reason to leave me.

I've been saying, he could be the one. Two months in, and nothing's changed. Scratch that. There is one thing: I love him more.

OVER THE OBSESSION

2010-07-22T08:24:00.002+08:00

How do you know you've moved on?

**********
Last Saturday night while in the middle of having dinner with some blog friends, I saw a familiar face.

He's cute. No, he's handsome. Emanates a sexiness, that was all too familiar. He's attractive, no doubt, but that was not the reason why I kept glancing back his way. I know that laugh. I know that face.

It took me a good five minutes to finally remember.

The guy I saw was Jason.

Once upon a time he was my obsession. I stalked the guy after something happened between us. After that steamy afternoon in my room. After my grandmother caught us in the middle of doing the dirty deed.

I still remember when his birthday is. That for two years, I anonymously sent him birthday texts, and call his landline just to hang up (I know, I was such a loser back then).

It all came back when I finally remembered who he is.

And all I could think about...

Meh.

**********
He was one of the two UP graduates who made me cry. Who in a way broke my heart. I thought I'd feel something again after that.

But there's nothing.

I guess that's how you know you've moved on.

GEEEEEEEEEK!!!

2010-07-16T05:35:00.001+08:00

Engel is excited for the weekend.

He's gonna buy something he's been drooling over since 2008.

He's gonna be bankrupt for one month.

But it doesn't matter.

He's going to have so much fun!!!

It's shallow.

It's geeky.

But Engel really likes it.

Something to get him restless over the next weekends.

Orgasmic.

But definitely not better than sex.

So just what is it that he's gonna have?

Engel's gonna buy Playstation 3.

Yeah, I'm really babaw like that!!!

KEEPER

2010-07-13T06:47:00.005+08:00

I showed a friend a few pictures of 'the kid'. Yeah, I've been bragging to a few friends of mine about my current relationship. I can't help it, I'm proud of 'the kid'.

Anyway, my friend told me he's a keeper. I agreed. Because he is.

But that got me thinking, how can you tell if someone really is a keeper?

The shallow Engel would say, if he's good looking, has a well sculpted body, has a car or if he's a celebrity. Yeah, I got there a trophy boyfriend. But are those really enough for you to say that a guy is a keeper?

Here are some of the things I look for in a guy for him to be a keeper.

THE SMARTS
I admit, I'm not really super intelligent. I am smart in my own way, but I have yet a lot to learn. So if a guy I am seeing gets my head thinking, yeah for me he's a keeper. I like to learn new things, it keeps me from getting bored. I like that sometimes the kid gives me a lecture on philosophy. I get nosebleed sometimes, but I feel I also get more enlightened.

EXCITING
Like I said, I get bored easy. Maybe that's why before, my relationships had deadlines. After we became a couple, nothing new happens. The relationships fell in routines that sometimes get suffocating. If a guy can get me excited at something, yeah I'm never going to let him go. A spontaneous date out-of-town, enlisting both of us in a fun activity, experimental in bed, if a guy is willing to do something out of the ordinary for the relationship, yeah he's a keeper.

HE HAS TIME
A guy who's willing and able to set aside things so he'd be able to spend time with me is something I'd really really appreciate in a partner. I don't really care if he remembers our 'saries' (month or anniver), what's important is that I get to have quality time with my partner. I'm not a spoiled brat who'd ask a guy to spend a whole weekend with me. I know outside of the relationship people have other lives/friends/family too so I won't go in between them. But it would be great if he could initiate alotting some time so we could be together.

PATIENCE AND A CERTAIN MATURITY
I'm an only child born in the month of February. So I'm a little bit not right in the head. I have tantrums sometimes. There are times I get paranoid. I'm crazy whenever the moon is full. If he has the patience to tolerate these sides of me, then he's absolutely a keeper. As much as possible I avoid being a brat, but there are times when my emotions get the better of me. Sometimes I have 'sumpong' and it often leads to fights. For me, a keeper would just let me vent out, give me time to cool down then talk to me. I know when I make a mistake, I know how to say sorry, I know when I'm at fault. If he still sticks with me after I show my ugly side, then yeah my heart will be his always.

Honestly speaking, the kid doesn't have all of those traits. Specially now that school's getting more and more stressful for him. I don't really mind that. He knows his shortcomings and he makes up for it whenever he can. The relationship is still new, and we still have a lot to learn about each other. But for me he is a keeper, because I know he loves me, and right now that's more than enough.

How about you, tell us what makes a guy a keeper?

QUICK HITS VI

2010-07-08T07:48:00.004+08:00

OF CHEESE...
I have been avoiding writing cheesy posts here. I have been a reader of cheesy posts from other bloggers, and I almost always want to puke whenever I read them. I don't know if it's the cheese or if deep inside I'm just jealous, but you know what I mean. Sometimes too much cheese isn't that appealling of a read.

But I want to post something sweet. I really do. You know how I don't have that much PLU friends in the real world. The ones I'm close to, I don't get to talk to regularly. And the friends that I can talk to about it, doesn't really understand my situation at all. Yeah, they're happy for me, but they could only take in as much details.

So forgive me if at times I'd be cheesy. You're the only ones who understand.

...CLOSET BLOGGERS...
You know how I maintain two blogs. This one and my straight alter ego. Both ones I have different sets of blog friends. Well, recently I found out that a couple of the straight blogs I follow are owned by not so straight writers.

Blogger 1 is an online crush that I've been following for years. I have not seen his face as he always removes it whenever he posts one on his home. But I'm pretty sure that he's hot. He's got that boy-next-door feel to the pics he has posted. Oh and he's a crooner too. I just don't flirt too much with him because a friend of mine already claims the blogger as his. Even if they really don't know one another.

Blogger 2 is another 'straight' blogger that I stalked for a time. He was funny, witty and writes really straightly. When he outed himself a few weeks ago, it really came as a shock to me because apparently I know his not-so-straight alter ego.

Anyway, this got me doubting if some of the other straight bloggers I follow are really straight. Whenever I follow a straight blogger, I don't put doubts about their sexuality immediately. It's their writing that interest me initially. Call me naive, but I don't put malice on these bloggers unless the signs are too much.

So now it gets me thinking if the straight, single, sensitive male bloggers I've been following are really straight.

But then again, who am I to judge, I effin' have one.

...AND THE RELATIONSHIP
Who knew that making a relationship work requires alot of patience. I mean a LOT!

You have to be understanding, for one because his time is divided between you and school. And I don't want to demand more because I don't want to become a hindrance for him to get that latin honors he wants and so rightly deserves. And I also don't want to make him feel that I'm grabbing him by the neck. But then that also means the time we have with each other is limited. Sometimes I wish time would move quickly so he'll have more time with me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I miss him.

So much.

Sigh.

FIVE YEARS AGO

2010-07-01T00:28:00.002+08:00

- I was a Team Leader for a call center in Ortigas.
- I was not overweight
- the biggest problem I had was having an agent not coming to work or not performing
- I didn't care how I look, except if our bosses come to the office
- I only blog on friendster
- I still had friendster
- I have never heard the term work-life balance
- my goal was to buy a bottle of cologne at least once every quarter
- my best friends in the world were just my colleagues
- it is an unforgivable sin if I miss on buying a comic book
- I'm not sure if I had sex that whole year five years ago
- there was no one else in my mind but Joy
- I started experiencing quarter life crisis
- living alone away from the comforts of my own home was the last thing on my mind.

Maybe alot's changed five years ago as compared to now. Am I a better person after all these years? I don't know.

There are things that I was better at five years ago.

But there's one thing I am pretty sure of, I have grown up.

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS I GOT FROM MY EXES

2010-06-24T04:19:00.001+08:00

Ternie's comment from my last post rang true, maintaining a relationship is hard. Period.

Not that I am complaining, because all the hard work is worth it whenever I hear 'the kid' (I'm branding him that from now on) say those three words. Or whenever he says that he's happy, or he misses me or each time he goes all cheesy on me.

Enough about that, I did not come back to this blog to brag about my relationship. Not entirely.

I'm trying to be all guru-like. Learned. Experienced. Wise. Even if I'm not. Specially relationship-wise. But in any case, this is my journal. The chronicles of my life. This is where I share what I have learned so far.

These are things that I've learned from my exes that I'm trying to change. No, not trying. I'm GOING to change.

THE BLOGGER
I broke it off because I felt that I was caged in the relationship. That I had to tell him everything that I did. I felt I wasn't really free. I didn't even tell him that. I just gave up. I didn't give him a chance.
So now I learned to communicate. We talk about the things. Things we don't want to hear. And we work it out.

THE GOOD TIME GUY
In retrospect, I don't think what we had was a relationship. We were more like glorified fuck buddies. Shit, I even let myself be his mistress (what do you call a male mistress?). We broke up because we really didn't know each other.
So now I learned that before I dive into a relationship I should get to know the person first. We may know each other for some time already, but there are still some things I am discovering about the kid. Some I like, others, I like even more.

THE FIRST LOVE
The first love did not work out because it was all built on a lie. The relationship would've been okay as things were most of the time okay. But when the shit started hitting the fan, the relationship started sinking.
I learned to open up. A little. It's a work in progress. Oh and I learned to be honest.

JOY
He wasn't an ex. But he was a love-that-cannot-be. He's straight, and he is one of my best friends in the world.
I learned a little bit about timing. Like the previous learning, this is a work in progress. But at least now, I think more before I speak. And when I do speak, I learned when to shut up.

THE FIRST EX-GIRLFRIEND
This was my longest relationship so far. And it was way back in high school. In all my past relationships this is where there are similarities with the current one. There is an age gap. We don't get to see each other often. We mostly talk on the phone. It didn't work out because she had to go to college, and I was stuck in high school.
From this relationship I learned how to be patient. I learned how to be sweet. I learned to respect my partner. I learned alot of things regarding how to be a good boyfriend from this relationship.

There are still alot to learn, that's for sure. But I hope when these lessons are learned we'd still be together. We learn not for the next relationship, but because we wanted ours to be stronger.

AFTER THE HONEYMOON

2010-06-18T05:16:00.003+08:00

I think I wrote about this yesterday: when it comes to relationships, mine usually had a deadline of one month. One month, and then it's over.

There are different reasons why they end. But mostly it's because of me. I quit the person. I felt caged. Or it doesn't seem to work anymore. The relationships end when the honeymoon phase is over. If me and my partner had a fight, that normally spelt the end of the relationship.

Yesterday, me and the kid had an argument.

The reason isn't that important, and I'll be vague about it. He kind of had an issue about some of my friends' attitude about us. So anyway, that pissed him off big time. I took issue on his response because I loved him and wanted him to be a part of my world, but he seemed to have not been interested in it because of what had been said.

I know it may not sound or read much but it was the first time we really had something like that. It wasn't nasty or anything. But on my part, it was really heavy.

Old Engel may have finally found a chink in the armor. The past few days they haven't really had alot to talk about. School started, and the kid doesn't have alot of free time anymore. And it'll definitely be less once classes properly begin. Add the fact he's seeing some flaws in the kid. I may have reasons already to bail on the relationship.

But I didn't.

The thought never occurred to me. What occupied my head during the few hours we weren't talking was how to fix things. Not once did quitting come to mind.

To make the long story short, we patched things up. We're good. I'd even dare to say that we're even better.

I know, you're probably scratching your head right now thinking what the hell's the point of this post?

I guess what I really wanted to say is: in a relationship, the moment the honeymoon phase ends that's when the test of commitment begins. And right now (and this sounds corny/cheesy), I'm fully committed to make this relationship work.

The one month curse will be broken. I'm pretty sure of it.

REINTRODUCTION

2010-06-17T00:36:00.004+08:00

The one thing that put a smile on my face whenever I open this blog while I was still in the 'I-quit-this-blog' phase was that it's still generating hits and new followers. Granted that once upon a time I think I was writing posts that kinda appealed to a particular niche, the last few posts have been a bit offensive to some people.

Anyway, since my return I've noticed the people who've been visiting me or leaving comments on my posts are new names, new faces that I haven't met before, I thought maybe it's time I reintroduce myself to people who don't know me.

A few bits about the author of this little home.

This is my 7th home on the blogosphere, but only my 2nd active blog. The other one is written mostly in Filipino and caters to a different set of blog friends.
I work night shifts for one of the world's biggest companies first as a customer service person, but now a sort of IT person. Sort of. It's difficult to explain.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not a flirt. I'm just friendly. And I'm also suplado. I have walls that need to be broken down.
I once had a relationship with a fellow blogger, that didn't end well. So now, I decided bloggers are better off as friends.
I am a homebody. I don't go out to parties, unless it's an intimate (not sexual-intimate but intimate-intimate) type of hanging out.
The reason for above is mostly because I tend to not talk when I'm hanging out with more than three people. It's weird but my mouth automatically shuts up when more than three people are with me.
I'm a geek. I can stay in my room for one whole weekend just watching dvd's, playing video games, reading my comic books or just sleeping. Sometimes I wear glasses, and I own quite a number of checkered polos.
I like talking about myself in my blogs. Narcissus is my best friend.
I own a pet parrot, and there've been a few bloggers who've already petted (is this a word?) it.
I always cry whenever I watch a dog movie.
My longest relationship was with a girl (8 months). After that my relationships had a deadline (1 month), which I'm working really hard to break with my current one. Thankfully, the partner is just as committed to this as I am.

There you go. Some bits about me.

THE WRONGS THAT FEEL SO RIGHT

2010-06-11T04:46:00.002+08:00

How can you do what the norm says is right, when doing something bad feels so good?

Like...

Eating too much.
Not having enough sleep on a work week to play video games.
Not having enough sleep on a work week because you're on the phone flirting.
Word vomiting to your friends on people that irritate you.
Watching dvd on full speakers in the middle of the night.
Doing something intentionally just to piss off somebody.
Rubbing in your happiness at depressed friends.
Getting people at work paranoid.
Falling in love with a fellow man.

QUICK HITS V: ON LEAVING, RETURNING AND BLOGGING

2010-06-08T00:20:00.001+08:00

I left Engel because I thought that it's already served it's purpose. In truth it already did. I've said all I had to say. I've met all the people I wanted to meet. I made a handful of good friends, and I think it's more than enough.

I've been through quite a few things during my time away from this blog, and I'm grateful I have a few people that I was able to turn to for advise during those times. I met them all here. And I'm not asking for anything more. And honestly, I was quite disappointed with a few of the people I've met online. Superficial.

I thought that of all the people who'd understand me, it would be the people who are the same as I am. Call me naive, but I thought that was true. Apparently not.

**************
Now I came back because I thought there's no other means for me to say what I really wanted to say. I write alot on my other home, and it's mostly me. But I can't say everything.

Believe me, I so wanted to say there how happy I am, the state I am in these days. But I can't not all of them understand. I'm not one to worry about losing readers. That's how you know who will stick around. But some of them I've known ever since I started that home.

But the freedom is here. I get to express everything here without inhibitions. Without worries of being misjudged.

And I came back because I have new reasons to write again.

**************
The GBV pointed out that this side of the blogosphere has kind of lost the really good writers. I'm sure they're still around. I still see them post entries every now and then, but I guess they are now busy living their lives outside the online world.

It's a shame because most of them I haven't even met yet.

I don't get to bloghop here as often as I should, but one thing I noticed, and I said this a few posts ago, most of the new blogs out there are all about one thing. Sex.

Yeah, I know sex sells. And I'm not going to burst other's bubbles here. That's their blogs, that's what they want to write. I've always the option to not read them. But then again I hope those people won't expect others to treat them seriously. No offense, but those people air out their most private or intimate experiences to the public. These things are not meant to be shared. Unless your aim is to tittilate and nothing else.

I'm not going to go all preachy or anything because for one, I read some of them.

**************
These are only my opinions. I don't mean to offend anyone by what I said here. And if in case I did, I'm sorry.

PHONE DEED

2010-06-05T20:42:00.003+08:00

I know that this is one thing that I've never really done alot of.

I never really had that much experience with it. Like I said before, it wasn't something that I enjoyed before. It didn't turn me on as much.

But now that I'm with someone. And we don't really get to see each other as much as we want. Our alternative to the real thing would be doing it over the phone.

We tried doing it earlier this afternoon. And it was bad. Real bad. It wasn't dirty. It was actually cheesy. Awkward.

So now I need your help. We'll try again next week. Give me tips on how we can do good on it. What do I do? The truth is, I can't really do it seriously, because when we try we always laugh at each other. Maybe because we're friends first before anything.

But I want to try.

So help.

POST SCRIPT
We tried doing it again earlier this afternoon. We agreed, we're not going to do it again. It was just bad. Hilarious bad. Like the stuff of jokes bad.

I mean, it's not like we won't be able to do it for real.

SEX

2010-05-30T12:31:00.003+08:00

I know I haven't been gone that long. Actually, I wasn't really gone at all.

Have not bloghopped this side of the blogosphere lately, until today.

But what the heck! Everyone's posting about sex these days!

New bloggers. Old bloggers. Sigh.

What happened to the sensible writers I've followed before?

Oh well, I guess that's okay. At least no one's faking not being superficial.

CONTENTMENT

2010-05-24T11:19:00.001+08:00

Seven months.

It took seven months.

**********
The way we met, heck everything about us, you won't think anything will happen.

He is 19. I am 28. He was unsure about who he is. I was impatient. He likes girls. I'm gay. He was just bored. I'm overly romantic. He loves me. But he kept it in. I love him, but he frustrates me.

The seven months that we've known each other was a roller coaster ride. Alot of ups and so many lows. And when the lows come in, it's really low. It was so fucked up. Messed up. What you get for falling for a kid, right? But I did.

Two months in, was the first low. He had a girlfriend then. I just broke up with my ex. We were friends. But things aren't what I wanted it to be. Maybe I pushed myself too hard on him. He felt pressured, I guess. And he had his friends and his girlfriend. So without a word, he turned his back on me.

What happened hurt. I was depressed for weeks. I didn't know what went wrong. Because prior to his walking out on me, I thought we were okay. We were friends. And the last message he sent me, he said he loves me. It may have all been a lie.

Three months after, I was already moving on. Thoughts of him no longer linger as often as it did when we parted. I was flirting with other people. I have almost forgotten.

Then one afternoon, he chatted me up again. Out of nowhere, he just said hi. And all my defenses came crashing. To protect myself from getting hurt, a line was drawn. This time, it's all about being friends. The interactions were limited. The feelings guarded.

But feelings, it's a funny thing. No matter how much you cover it up, it still finds a way to show. And worse, the feelings kept being rejected.

Last week was probably the climax of our twisted relationship. He was drunk with a girl friend. And you know how alcohol blurs the senses. Suffice it to say, something happened. But before that, we were texting each other and he told me he needed me. The next day I found out what happened.

It was frustrating. I wanted to give up. I felt I do not deserve to be treated that way. I asked a friend (believe it or not, it's Ternie), what I can do to end all this shit. I hated being rejected again. He asked me if he was worth feeling shitty about being rejected. I said yes. And he told me to talk to him.

The next morning he felt I was pissed off. I asked him what he'd do if he was right. And he replied he'd just end everything between us.

It just made me mad. I questioned what I said about him being worth all the pain. So instead of talking to him to maybe work things out, I decided to end it.

That being the second time already, moving on wasn't as difficult. I let it all out on Kane. I told him our story, and after that, when I woke up everything was okay. It was like a heavy burden being lifted off my shoulders. No more worries. No more rejections. No more problem.

Things even looked up for me at work.

Sunday night, I was looking for the moon (because of the event with Venus or something) and didn't find it. Instead I saw a shooting star. I did not make a wish, but he was the first person that came to mind when I saw it.

Last Wednesday evening I received a text from him formally ending whatever it is we had. I was moving on. And it was okay. But honestly, in my heart I wasn't ready to let him go.

The next day I went to St. Jude to pray. I asked God to give me a sign that I need to move on already. And that if he was the one, give him back.

Early morning Sunday, I was off to bed after getting myself distracted the whole evening playing video games. I saw a few unread messages on my phone.

"It's so hard forgetting about you."

"Maybe because I know you are the one and yet I still shun it."

"It hurts to realize I turned back on someone who loved me the way you did."

A friend of his told him that it wasn't me who was stupid for loving him. It was he who was stupid for not appreciating it.

That evening we had a long talk after that. Cards dealt. Feelings out on the open. We were both crying. He said sorry for being insensitive and for hurting me. He said the words that I've always wanted to hear. He's now ready to man up for us.

And for the first time, I really felt it when he said that he loves me too.

Monday 11:00 am. I'm sleepless and tired.

But I can't take this smile off of my face.

***********
I was talking to Kane this morning. Yeah, I guess I'm back.

HANGING OUT

2010-04-19T13:03:00.002+08:00

Before you react upon seeing an update from my link, don't get your hopes up. This blog is still dead. This is just a one-off thing I'm doing because I can't sleep.

Something I need to get off my chest. Something I can't share on my other blog.

I was actually contemplating on the weekend that passed. It was fun. I get to cross another on my birthday wishlist. I had a great time.

Okay moving on, if you still remember, I don't have alot of PLU friends. So I don't really know what to do when I'm hanging out with one... or two.

You see last Saturday, I hung out with a couple of blog friends or friends (at least I'd like to think we're now friends). Anyway, so we were hanging out at Starbucks in Araneta Center, and one of the things I noticed with them, is that they were commenting on other guys that were passing by or hanging out in the area. Are they a couple? If they were, how long have they been together? Stuff like that.

Not that it's weird or wrong or anything. It's something new for me. When I hang out with my friends, we don't point out other guys to check if they're a couple or not. My straight friends don't bother with those things. They don't care. They're straight.

Like I said, it was something new. I wanted to say my piece, but I didn't know where to start. I could only smile.

I need to hang out more with people like me.

DAY THREE

2010-03-18T19:46:00.004+08:00

One of the hardest thing to write about when you're a blogger, is admitting you lied. What I wrote about the last post was a lie. When I wrote about the muse being gone, that was the truth.

But I actually have no intention of writing for this blog anymore.

I'm closing down Engel's Tell All.

I wish I could write a reason that would make sense as to why I came up with this decision, but I can't. I just woke up today, not having any drive to update this anymore.

Maybe it's already served it's purpose. Maybe I've already said all I wanted to say. Maybe I'm just going with the trend of closing down blogs. Whatever it is, I have lost any more reasons to post anything else in this blog I called home for the last seven months.

But I wanted to post one more time so I can leave properly.

One of my reasons for starting the tell all was to meet people like me. People who understand what I'm going through. And I did. I met alot of awesome people. Wise men. Cool guys. Boys that are hot. I even dated a blogger, so in terms of achieving the goal I have done so and actually got more. I became friends with them.

So to all of you, I say thank you. Writing the tell all was one of the best decisions I made. And meeting all of the people who read, commented, disagreed, and passed by this blog was the best reward. 18000 hits, 100 followers, I don't think I deserved all of it. So THANK YOU. Words cannot describe how much I appreciate letting me in your lives even if its just by sharing yours through your blogs. It's nice to know you're not alone.

I'm sure you're not going to miss me. This blog may not be updated anymore, but I'll still be around. Reading. Commenting. I won't be gone.

I am a blogger.

The hardest thing to write when you are a blogger: saying goodbye.

THE MUSE

2010-03-18T14:28:00.002+08:00

is gone...

Engel is on self imposed blog leave.

will see you again once the muse returns

if it returns.

DAY TWO

2010-03-16T00:16:00.001+08:00

Because of changes at work, for the rest of the month I'll be coming in to work an hour early. While that's fine because of the taxi reimbursement and everything, I don't like the shorter hours of sleep.

So anyway, being the model employee that I am, I decided to come to work a few hours earlier. If you're thinking this is another one of those CR moments, you're a pervert.

Anyway, knowing me, I can't stay inside the office for two hours doing nothing so I decided to go out and hang out in the nearest Starbucks.

For a payday Monday and a rush hour at that, the cafe I went to was surprisingly empty. Save for this cute girl reading Mitch Albom's Have A Little Faith. She was alone outside with her little book and kinda looked bored.

I've read parts of the book, and found some of it a little bit too preachy that's why I'm only a quarter through it. A month and a half after I bought it. She was almost at the end.

Anyway, I thought, it's been awhile since I talked to random strangers. Even longer to flirt with a girl. So I decided to do a Day Two.

Approach a random stranger and talk to her. Maybe flirt a little.

So I sat by the table beside hers. She was actually prettier up close. I like her nose. It's pointed, although she doesn't look like she's a half-blood. But she really has this nice pointed, semi-spanishy nose. She's not mestiza. Just fair. Probably from La Salle, I don't know. She's got that La Sallite feel the way she drinks her coffee.

So anyway, I decided to make my move. I mean I look decent today. Smelled of Guess Man. So I was at least presentable.

"That's Mitch Albom's newest book, right?" I asked.

She hesitated to answer. She looked around, checked if I was talking to someone else. But it was just the two of us.

She looked at me, kinda irritated. But she answered my question with a nod.

"I have a copy of one, but haven't finished it yet. Is it any good?"

She just looked at me, closed her book, packed up and left.

So there goes my day two. Attempt flirting with a girl and get dumped.

Epic fail, right?

PEX

2010-03-13T23:23:00.004+08:00

Been thinking of something to write about. Don't want to stress too much about it. So what I did to find inspiration is to lurk around the internet. And my lurking brought me to Pinoyexchange.

I've been a member of Pinoyexchange or pex since college. Heck, this is how I found out about blogging. Where I met my first internet turned real friend. This site is a public forum where people throw about their ideas and opinions about different things. Alternative lifestyles. Sports. College Life. Books. Hobbies. Network Wars. Sex and all different kind of things.

Anyway, so I was reading on some of the topics on the Alternative Lifestyle thread and thought, maybe I could put some of my opinions here on my blog.

PUERTO GALERA THREADS
I don't get the Puerto Galera and gays thing. I've been to Galera like four or five times. And I've never encountered PLU's there. Maybe because I wasn't looking. But I've read and heard that Galera's a haven for PLUs. Sure there are alot of hot guys there and all, but never encountered anything kinky in Galera. Or maybe my gaydar's broken. Or I'm just not hot. Whatever, I really don't get gays and Puerto Galera.

INCEST THREAD
There was a topic there called I Blowjob My Cousin. It's a pretty popular thread. Fortunately, I've never had that experience. I admit I read that thread because some of the posts there are kinda hot. But it's still just wrong. It's like promoting molesting relatives. I'm not going to go preachy about it because there are times when I entertain the thought of doing something with my cousin who looks like a hotter version of Borgy Manotoc. But still, I'd keep it private (well not now, obviously). But if ever something like that happens I'm just going to keep it to myself. Anyway, I'm not even sure if some of those posts are true.

YUMMY CONSTRUCTION WORKERS, TRICYCLE DRIVERS
Really? Have yet to meet one. Anyway I thought those threads were hilarious. I mean, I respect their tastes, as we all vary when it comes to that. I just find it funny that there are people who stalk tricycle drivers and construction workers. Oh and there was even this one thread where posters were stalking a guy from an underpass in Recto. That was funny.

LOVE STORIES
I like romantic posts. There are posts about meeting their true loves. There were stories of failed relationships. Of people wanting to meet the right guy. May December love affairs. Stories of guys falling in love with straight men. All the happy and sad love stories you could ever imagine has been posted in pex. But the one thing I've noticed is that on alot of those stories, people can't seem to take out in their stories are sex. I mean you're almost falling for the poster writing their sob story, and then bam, they write about it. Like every little detail of it. Yeah, it's OA but there are posts like that. Makes me think, are all gay people testosterone driven?

I don't mean to offend anyone as I'm pretty sure there are a number of bloggers who have an account in pex. But I just find some of the posts there hilarious. Sexy and hot... but hilarious.

MY TWO CENTS

2010-03-09T20:27:00.006+08:00

Let me rant for a little.

I'm not picking a fight with anyone. I'm just airing my say on the matter.

There was just an opinion that was given on my previous post that was a little off for me. It's not offensive, and I think it was not meant to take seriously. But the thing is, I kind of disagree with what was said. Specially because it was kind of a comment to a post that I wrote. I'm not angry or anything, it was one guy's opinion, and I respect that.

G4M, for all intents and purposes was a site that was meant for guys to meet other guys. While initially it's a dating site, it's become a site for people to get hook-ups. I may be generalizing things, and it is possible to meet real friends from that site, but with my very limited experience of joining that site a few years ago, all the people who messaged me were just looking for either a one night stand, fuck buddy or a quickie. I've never met a friend from that site. Or it could just be me. I don't know. Never stayed there long enough to find out.

Now, the comment was a little off for me, not because it was offensive. Because it was not. It was off for me because it was comparing the blogworld to a site that was notorious for it's reputation.

Bloggers (regardless of sexual preference) create their sites to air out their opinions. To express how happy they are, how depressed, how angry, how in love they are. They show their feelings with what they write. If they meet people who they have alot in common with, then that's just an icing on the cake.

Now, I'm being a hypocrite if I say that I did not create this so I could meet people. Because I've been saying this alot even when I started writing. I wanted to meet more people like me. Not because I want a hook-up. Or a quickie. Or a one night stand. I wanted to meet other PLU's because for most of my life I've been living a life inside the closet. And there came a time when I wanted to tell someone about myself, and I found no one who understood what I was going through. My entire life, I only had one gay friend. And that was not enough. Hence, this blog was born.

So forgive me if I had a bone to pick on that particular comment. I'm kind of a loner, so I get excited if I meet new people. People who are welcoming. People who are okay with becoming friends with me. There's nothing malicious behind what I do. If someone sends me a naked picture of himself, well that's great. A perk of being friendly. But believe me, I did not ask for it.

I guess I'm just disappointed that there are people who doubts the sincerity of other people. Regardless if it's in making friends or anything else. It's like there are no sincere people in the world.

That's just my two cents.

OUTSIDE THE BLOG

2010-03-08T22:52:00.005+08:00

So I told myself that this year, I will try to expand my circle of friends. Meet more people. Socialize, I guess is the right term.

I didn't have any other means to do meet-ups with other people, as I don't have an account with the dating sites (which for me seems more of a booking site). So I decided to talk to those who post means to communicate with outside their respective blogs.

Those who display their emails or ym id's on their blogs. Or those who have taken the initiative to chat me up.

One thing I have learned is that alot of bloggers I know got disappointed when I didn't write about them on one of my posts. The ones who I wanted to meet. I knew that coming in, but I didn't realize that it affected some people more than I thought it would. So I'm sorry for that. Anyway, it doesn't necessarily mean that I don't want to meet those people. Because if I write all of them down, I might as well just name everyone on my Daily Reads List or those I follow. But still, my apologies for not being too considerate.

Anyway, after about 7 months of blogging here, I've finally chatted or texted or spoke with quite a number of people I consider blog friends already. And this post is to write about my impressions about them. No names though, since "the who" posts are popular these days.

BLOGGER 1
Latest person I got to chat with. Just today actually. Although I added him up I think a few days ago. Was actually surprised he accepted the request. Thought of him as the type who ignore no-namers like myself. Had that perception of good-looking bloggers. Was more surprised at how pleasant our conversation was. Did not expect him to be perky, as some of the posts I read from his blog were kinda sad, or emo, or melancholic. Did not expect to chat with a happy person. And a welcoming happy person at that. I have noticed that he's referenced some Gossip Girl style in his writing, but only now did I realize that alot of his posts referenced the show's style. Looking forward to meet this blogger in person, actually. Even if he's not on my list. Hope that happens.

BLOGGER 2
I also just met him today. But he was the one who stalked me. Been an avid fan of his blog, although he doesn't post too much anymore. I think he's busy with school stuff. He's cool. Another person who surprised me alot. As in alot. Specially because he sent me a naked picture of himself (which I did not open because there were alot of people at home). Anyway, I liked this blogger (regardless there was a picture sent or not) because I think he's smart. I enjoyed our conversations over the chatroom or even the phone. It was light. It was pleasant. Something I needed to get over the melancholy I felt over the weekend.

BLOGGER 3
Is the one of the nicest bloggers I know. When I first met him, he was like depressed or sad. I think he almost deleted his blog because of this. Good thing someone made him see the light. I like that he opened up to me even if we only just met. I appreciate the trust he gave me. We don't get to talk alot though, because of our schedules, but he's really nice. He was the first one to point out his disappointment at not being on my list of people I wanted to meet. But then again, I was not in his list of online crushes, so we're even. I do know his online crushes though. But I'm not going to tell. I'm a secret-keeper.

BLOGGER 4
Is a new blogger. Or an old blogger with a new blog. I'm not really sure as he wouldn't tell me what his old blog was. I'm not really that close to the blogger as like I said he's relatively new, but he did say though that I have read his straight blog. I'm not sure. But he's fun to talk to. Although I'm not really sure if we would get along, because we usually run out of things to talk about. It might be that he's working, or that I'm just boring. But yeah, there are dead air moments when we talk. But his profile picture in YM seemed inviting. Not that I'm looking for a hook-up or anything, because this is not the right venue. I'm just saying.

BLOGGER 5
I've been reading his blog for quite awhile now. I think since I started this one. I was actually scared at first to chat him up as he seems to be the type of person that I would never get along with. He SEEMED loaded, and tactless and for awhile thought he could be a bully. What with the comments he often leaves in my posts. Was surprised that he actually wasn't. And that he knows alot about me. What I look like, etc. Someone spilled the beans about me!!! It doesn't matter. The conversation was kinda fun. I still think he's LOADED. But the tactless thing, I think he's doing that for fun and not to insult people. He's kinda likeable, really. I'm not sure though, as we've only talked once.

BLOGGER 6
I'm feeling really guilty forgetting about this blogger. Ever since he has been really nice to me, even if he doesn't leave his two cents in my posts. He's even named this blog as one of his favorites of last year, and he still hasn't been in my bloglist. Yeah, I know I'm such an ass. Regardless, I like this blogger, even if I don't know him that well, I am sure we have one thing in common, the school we came from. So there's that. And I think he's the next person I'll meet, if only to pick up my birthday gift from him. Yeah, I know. I'm a jerk.

Well, these are just my first impressions. And they do tend to change after awhile. But we'll see.

THE ANSWERS

2010-03-05T20:49:00.006+08:00

As promised: the answer to the questions from a few posts ago:

From John Stanley:
Anong nakita mo sa latest ex-partner mo?

- Okay. To be fair, when I was with my ex I really felt na minahal niya ako. Although it was a whirlwind relationship, I didn't feel that it was one. But the fact remains, mabilis yung nangyari. And merong mga bagay na I overlooked. That made me think it wasn't going to work out para sa akin. Now what I saw in my ex. It's not really what I saw but what I felt. Feeling ko naman sincere siya sa lahat ng sinabi niya. It's just that I was not the right guy for him. He deserves to love someone who loves him just as much as he gives.

From Rom (who does not have a blog... yet)
Sino iboboto mo pagka-pangulo engel?

- Good question. For sure hindi ko iboboto si Noynoy and si Villar (even if I'm from Las Piñas). I'm sure I'm minority for this, but I'm actually all for Richard Gordon. I know he's one of the more boring candidates because he tends to talk too much. But he's the one who oftentimes make sense. He's the candidate who has the best profile. If he'd only make his speeches short and sweet, and less nose bleed-y, baka may chance pa siya. And I'd fire the person responsible for the Silent Night ad that was released after Christmas. Mga nasayang na opportunity. Tsk.

And besides, it's you know... Dick.

From Mr. RF and Rudeboy
Ano yung 3 wishes na nakuha mo nung birthday mo? Where did you go and who were the bloggers you were with?

- A month ago, I wrote down a list of bloggers that I wanted to meet as a gift for my birthday. And last weekend, it happened. I met Ternie, Maxwell and Xtian. Idamay na rin natin si Lukayo and Johnny Cursive. They went to my place and had dinner. So yun lang. Konting inom, konting usap, konting x-box, nuod ng tv, some chismis about some bloggers, and I let them all pet my parrot. =)

From Jepoy Dacuycoy and Jay Quiambao
What's my number?

- Hmmmm. Jepoy you can ask for my number from Darc. I can't believe we're already YM friends but you've never asked for it yet. Hmp. As for Jay Q., I'm not really sure about giving away my number on a public site (even if it's posted on my facebook). But what I can say is that it's a globe number. The first 5 digits spells DATED (if your phone's not qwerty), and the last two digits are the same numbers. I love my cellphone number. Anyway, send me an email, or chat me up. If you're nice, I just might give it to you.

From Tim
Do you believe that you as a gentleman won't kiss and tell? You sure with this?

- Now that you mentioned it, this blog hasn't been a kiss and tell since I decided to not be anonymous anymore. That's the downpart of losing anonimity, because more people know you, we tend to not divulge more information anymore. It's more subdued. I was actually thinking of renaming this blog. Maybe if I think of something clever or if I cross upon a cool idiom, I'll change it. So yeah, I'm going to stay a gentleman, even if it's boring. Except maybe if I do something nasty on the remaining 9 spontaneous days. I guess.

From Domjulian
Can you name the unnamed from last posts?
Nope. I'm protecting the identity of those people in case everyone I personally know finds out about this blog. But I will tell you this much. Only three of those unnamed are bloggers. One is for an ex. One is for an ex-friend or friend-turned-acquaintance. Another one is for a really close friend and once-upon-a-time was the love of my life. And one for a former classmate who was a celebrity.

**********************
Thanks for the questions guys. We'll do this again another time.

Enjoy a drama-free weekend everyone!!!

IDEAL

2010-03-03T21:25:00.006+08:00

The past couple of days have been a bit unpleasant for me. I just learned that a former colleague of mine died from pneumonia. He's younger than I am, so his loss came as a bit of a surprise.

The second reason for the unpleasantness, although I'm not really sure if it should be unpleasant. But it's confusing, and not knowing what to do about it is what really sucks. Someone who cut me off from his life is coming back. Now I'm not too sure if it's just a temporary thing or for good or if he was just bored. But it's driving me insane. I mean I miss him. For a time, he was like the best part of my day, but then he just left.

So anyway, I don't want to rant. I don't want to become the type of blogger that I don't want to read.

Just for distraction, I thought maybe I should write down again my ideal person. The traits I'm looking for in a partner.

SOMEONE WHO MAKES ME TALK
Let me start with this. I'm not really a quiet person. At first I am, and that's because I'm inherently shy, introverted. I just remembered, 80% of the people I fell for I did because I enjoyed talking to them. They're not necessarily smart, but our wave of thoughts are similar. I like it when the person I'm with is more talkative than me. I enjoy listening alot, that's how I learn. That's how my opinion on things are formed. But I appreciate more, if that person makes me talk. If he listens. Because then I'm sure, he's really interested to get to know me more.

NOT NECESSARILY A GEEK
I really don't mind if the person I'm with does not know who Matt Murdock, or Jessica Drew is. I don't mind if he sucks at video games like Tekken or Street Fighter (because I suck at them too). I don't even care if he doesn't watch Chuck or How I Met Your Mother. But I do appreciate it if he'd take some time to learn about the things that I like. My xbox has two controllers, and they're rarely both used. I'm patient enough to teach the one what the left and right trigger buttons are for when we play Left 4 Dead. Or it's fine with me to explain to him what happened if he gets lost reading Captain America. That would be nice.

SOMEONE WHO TOLERATES ME
I could be weird. I could be a goddamned prick. And I'm pretty sure I'm an ass sometimes. I was born on the month of February, so I'm pretty much kulang-kulang. But if someone could tolerate my quirks, then he's a keeper. Obviously that doesn't mean that I wouldn't change. There's such a thing called compromise, right? I guess what I'm saying is it would be nice to meet a person who likes me for me. Not the smart me or the nice me, or the writer me, but the crazy, moody, PMS-y, semi-autistic me.

LOOKS PRESENTABLE
I admit it, like all the time and I'm not going to pretend to be one. I'm not good-looking nor am I buff. So I don't expect to end up with someone like say Daniel Matsunagi or Marc Nelson or whichever model's hot these days. The only way I'd end up with a person like that is if I pay them alot. And I'm not going to do that. I'm twenty eight. I'm not desperate. I have been lucky that in the past I've hooked up with people others would consider hot. But then I screwed that up. So the looks department isn't as important for me now unlike my younger years. But at least that person should look presentable.

I'm pretty easy to impress. Just do something nice and I'd give you my heart. I remember being won over by a friend because he brought me lunch in the office one time. Well he was hot, and I had a huge crush on him even before that, but I think you know what I mean.

FICTION

2010-03-01T22:28:00.004+08:00

Jess sat across the table where he usually sits. Just where I like it. Where I can see his reaction whenever he tastes my cooking. Where I can adore the way he separates the vegetable from the meat and the rice. Where I can see the way his neck moves whenever he swallows the half-chewed food he puts in his mouth. Where I can see him.

"We don't do this alot anymore," he starts.
"Yes. We needed this. We need to talk."
Jess looks at me curiously. "Do we have a problem Kirb?"
I ate my food. It tasted different. Not my best.
"I miss your cooking," he smiled.
I took another spoonful.
"You're not talking. We have a problem. Did I do anything wrong?" he asked.
Another mouthful.
"Kirb. How long have we been friends? Three years?"
"Five actually."
"See. Five years. I think I know how you act whenever you're pissed at me. What's wrong? Tell me."
"It's her." I started.

I've always wanted to open this up with Jess. Two years ago, he started chasing after Toni. And why not. She's pretty. She's smart. God, she has everything a guy ever wanted in a girl. Heck, if I was straight, I'd court her. But I'm not. And I'm madly in love with my best friend.

"It's always her. It will always be her."
"Kirb, you know I still love you. You're my best friend. If I don't have anyone I'd choose you. But I love her too."
"I know. What we have is not normal that's why you'll never choose me. I've long accepted that. But I can't do this anymore."
"You can't do what?" he asked.
"I can't be your friend anymore."
"Why?"
"It hurts Jess. It hurts alot."

Jess stood up and sat beside me. He held my hand he squeezed it tight. I know he wants me to feel that he doesn't want to do what I want.

"We'll make this work. I'll make this work. Please Kirb. Let's give this a shot."
"No Jess, it's not simple. It will never be this simple. Please let me go."
"At least for our friendship. Don't throw away the five years Kirb."
I pulled away. "I can't Jess. Can't you see? You're breaking my heart! You're breaking my heart."

Jess leaned backward. I saw the sadness in his eyes. He lost this fight. Maybe he realized what I said. He finally saw the truth.

He leaned forward and kissed me. Our first kiss.

Our last.

"I'm sorry I broke your heart."

Jess stood up. He put his hand on my cheek. He kissed me on the forehead. For the last time. And he walked away.

I was left alone in the dining room. Tears rolling down my cheek.

He finally let me go.

This was the saddest day of my life.

But finally, I know I will be able to smile...

ASK ENGEL

2010-02-28T09:00:00.003+08:00

The latest popular site on the web community these days is formspring dot something. I've read several posts about it from different blogs all over (well mostly from the PLU community.

I have one. I don't visit it, I was just asked by a blogger friend from the other side of the blogosphere to create one. But I don't really go there. I think I've answered like a couple of questions and that's it.

Anyway, borrowing from the premise of that site, I'm going to let you ask me questions that you'd want to know about me. Post them on the comments section and I will try to answer them on a separate post a week from now.

I know I'm assuming that you're interested to get to know me, but please indulge me on this. This is the one and only chance you've got to interrogate me. I promise I'll try to answer all of them seriously.

So ask away.

**************
On a different note, my birthday week officially ended last night. I'm already broke. Next salary's two weeks away. And I haven't bought a gift for myself yet.

But I did get three of my wishes last night. Plus two who I would've added as well on the list if only one of them posts more often, and the other one if only he visits my blog. =p Which was great. I met some of the people that I've looked up to in this side of the blog community. I don't know if they enjoyed the meet-up, as they had first-hand experience as to how quiet I really am in person.

Anyway, thanks guys!!! I really appreciate last night. It was my pleasure and honor to have met all of you guys. Hope we do this more often.

TO THE UNNAMED

2010-02-26T00:59:00.003+08:00

To ----
I really enjoy talking to you. I never thought for a million years that you're someone who'd talk to me, but apparently you did. And I'm thankful for that. You proved me wrong about my first impressions on you. Although we still have yet to get to know each other better, I just want to say that I enjoy you. Thanks.

To ---------
I've gotten over you a long time ago. I'm grateful to have had friends who would listen to me airing out how disappointed I was with what happened to us. But I understand what you're going through. Your reasons. Everything. I've gotten over you. But I can't help it, there are still days that I miss you. So much.

To ------
I feel it's wrong for me to be attracted to you. I mean, I don't talk to you. You're loud. Rowdy. Flambuoyant. A person I normally wouldn't get attracted to. Oh and you're already taken. But I'm shallow. You greeted me twice on my birthday and that's sweet. But I should not be attracted to you. Nope. I won't. God help me.

To ---
I like you. But I don't think I'll ever measure up to the people you surround yourself with. I'm not good looking. I'm not buff. I'm just a simple guy who likes to write and drown myself in geeky stuff. But I'm nice. I'm smart. I can be sweet. And I'm pretty sure there are alot of good things about me that you might be looking for in a guy. I just hope you see that. I hope you see me.

To ------
You're a good friend. You make me laugh. And I can always count on you to lighten up my day when it's becoming too dreary. And I sincerely want to be your friend.

To ----
I know what I did to you was unfair. And for that I'm sorry.

To ----
I'm happy I've gotten to know you. Back in the days, I wouldn't have thought we'd get along. You being a model and one of those "sexiest bachelors". But you kept in touch after all these years. I didn't think you'd even remember me, seeing how very limited our interactions were. But you did and I appreciate that. I'm happy for you and your wife and your very beautiful daughter. And if there's one thing I'm thankful for putting up a blog, is that it got me to reconnect with you. I got to know you more here than in the four years we spent in school.

To -------
I'm sorry if I uninvited you. I would really want to spend some quality time with you soon. But if you're bringing her, it might be too much for me. Don't get me wrong, I like her. I love her. We get along well. But I want to spend time with just you. I've gotten over you, but I just feel awkward whenever she's with us. I know she knows about me, and me and you and she knows we're just friends. But it's just uncomfortable with me.

Before you say anything, I think I know what you're thinking: ang landi ni Engel.

LOVE POSTERS

2010-02-23T01:26:00.004+08:00

I haven't posted any love-related posts in this blog for quite some time now. Looking back, it's actually been a long time already. Two months.

If it isn't obvious, it's because I haven't the inspiration to write one. I'd write about crushie, but during the whole three weeks we were together, apart from the comfort room thing that happened last week, we actually only had one interaction (consisted of two sentences from each of us, and I stammered during mine). Anyway, so yeah I'm zilch in the heart department.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with that right now. Apart from the monthly melancholy every full moon, I'm generally okay.

But what I'm interested in though, is how bloggers find other bloggers who write about love. Whether it's their longing to have one. Desperation to be in a relationship. Their bragging of their blooming love life. Or generally anything about matters of the heart.

Do you find them romantic (meaning the writer tends to be like someone you feel you might fall in love with)? Are those writers pathetic? Do you envy those writers? Or does their cheesiness make you want to throw up? Do you get depressed everytime you read a blogger meeting a special someone? Or do you just shrug it off thinking they'll just break up in a month?

If you ask me, there are certain people that I find endearing. Sometimes I kind of get sad (more like jealous) when they meet someone. There are times I envy those people (the partners) because they've met and fell in love with that particular writer. But oftentimes, I just shrug it off. I'm mostly happy for those writers (I'm not bitter), it makes me hopeful I'd find the one at the right time.

I'm just curious what you guys think.

SNOB

2010-02-21T07:37:00.004+08:00

The first impression of people about me when asked is that I look like a snob.

I often say it isn't true and that the people who knows the real me would say it's quite the opposite.

But then I realized if the saying isn't true, then I should have like alot of friends. I should be like a social butterfly and not a wallflower.

The truth is, I probably am a snob. I possibly am suplado. And that I'm just in denial.

But is that really wrong, if you're just protecting yourself from being hurt or being used by people you treat as friends? I mean if you've been through that before and are avoiding making the same mistakes, that is reason enough to put up some walls, right?

I know I should start to put up some more faith in the people I meet. Not everyone has some bad intentions in befriending people. But how do we know, really?

There are people, eventhough they say that what they offer is genuine, you can't help but feel creeped out by what they say or do. There are people who seems cool at first, but they flake out and leave you in times you need someone to talk to. And then there are those who would say they welcome meeting you, but their action speaks otherwise.

I don't take that against those people. It's not my loss, I think I'm awesome (given the chance). I move on. But still, I learn.

So am I really a snob?

Yeah. Maybe I am.

We put on walls so that we'll know who are willing to break through them to get to us.

DAY ONE

2010-02-18T12:12:00.002+08:00

Remember what I said a few posts ago, about doing ten spontaneous things throughout the year, to avoid monotony in my life?

Well, early this morning, I did something which I consider is something new, spontaneous, risquee and out of the ordinary. Well, technically, this is the second, but booking a flight for Palawan is boring so scratch that.

So anyway, I wasn't doing anything at work earlier this morning. And at the suggestion of Teacher Ternie (yes Ternie I blame you!!!), I did something I never did before.

Around 4:30am, while most of my co-trainees are quietly sleeping or waiting for their turn for accreditation or just using the office resources for their personal pleasure I decided to go out of our room and descend one floor down where work starts at around 7 in the morning.

As expected the floor was clear. Empty. Quiet. Dark. Except for the guard and trainees occupying the other side of the floor, the coast was clear.

I entered the lone men's comfort room expecting it to be empty, but lo and behold, crushie from my training class was there. He was washing his hands and looked just as surprised as I was when I found out I was not alone. He recognized me, smiled and quietly went out of the room. Well, that was a sign of good things to come.

I entered one of the cubicles and locked the door, I unzipped my pants and pulled it down.

I was nervous. It was my first time doing something like this. Something wrong. Unethical. Something fun.

I stroked it slowly. Gently. Thinking of the last face I saw before I locked myself inside the small space I was in. It was exciting.

Having nothing but only my imagination working, it took me longer to finish. I stroked it faster, then slower. And faster again. It was good. Deep breaths. Long moans. Gentle strokes.
And then I came.

The idea of doing something naughty in the office was new for me, and in a way, it was exciting. I got really excited, what came out was all over the place. I pulled a roll of tissue to clean up, but I thought to leave some evidence behind. I cleaned myself up, flushed the toilet and left.

I came back the room and looked at crushie. He flashed that coy smile I always adored as if saying I knew where you were and what you did.

I smiled back thinking 'oh you have no idea what I did'.

COUCH POTATO

2010-02-17T02:45:00.009+08:00

Reading through one hundred posts, I think it's already obvious how much of a geek as well as socially retarded I am. I blame my being an only child for that one. But anyway, this post is not about how dysfunctional I really am, there's like alot of posts here as well as my other blog that proves that fact.

This post I'll geek out again. But not about video games or comics, that's been done too much already. This time, let me talk about my other favorite thing to do. Being a couch potato.

I was raised in front of the television. Hell, I think I got my english speaking skills just because my aunts before were addicted to Dallas, Knotts Landing, McGyver, Baywatch and Beverly Hills 90210.

I don't want to bore you anymore with my history with tv, so I'm just going to list down some of my favorite tv series by genre. I'll start with the sci fi ones. Unleash the geekness in me.

THE 4400
Over several periods in time, people have disappeared out of nowhere. No reasons why, without a trace. Nothing just gone. And then one day, a bright light happened and everyone who disappeared came back. Not only were they back, but they came back totally different. They came back and they now have powers. Now I don't watch Heroes, I think it's too overrated. Too convoluted. And just plain boring. But this one, although there are no superheroes and supervillains, I qualify as a great 'comics' series about what happens if people start having superpowers. It's too bad, the show got cancelled when the story got meatier. Anyway, I love this show. For four years, this was what I watched while waiting for the new year to start.

TORCHWOOD
This is the spin-off of one of my all time favorite sci-fi series. Torchwood is a covert British operative that takes care of extra-terrestrial cases. Captain Jack Sparrow leads a ragtag group of scientist/cops to solve alien murders, succubus beings and time travelling crises all in the name of their organization. Before I got hooked on it's parent show, this was the series that I first saw. Unfortunately, St. Francis Square doesn't have a copy of the latest season and I'm too dumb to know how to download series, so I don't have the means to follow this series apart from online reviews and forums. Oh and by the way, it's lead character Captain Jack Sparrow is gay both in the series and in real life.

LOST
I don't know how to explain Lost. Really. But in a nutshell, this is the story of the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. I didn't get to follow this series anymore as I didn't have the time anymore to watch full season dvd's unless it's Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Chuck or 24. But from what I saw back then, this show was riveting. It's convoluted I know, and it asks more questions than gives us any answers, but the stories are undeniably great. Brilliant acting, I especially love Ben Linus. Villainy comes just naturally from that guy. One of these days I'll find a dvd of this series and watch it completely.

SMALLVILLE
This one is definitely in the list. I'm a comic book fan, and although I don't read Superman at all, this series fills me in on his history. How Clark Kent became the man he came to be. Yeah I know it's not in continuity, but I think it's close enough. I first got hooked on this series because of Kristin Kreuk, but her character just became boring. Fortunately, the stories did not. And when Olliver Queen (Green Archer) showed up, the series just got more interesting. I'm waiting for the latest season to finish before I buy the dvd, but from what I hear this season's probably the series' best yet. Like I said I'm no DC fan, but when I saw pictures of the Justice Society of America, I just drooled.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Who doesn't know Buffy? This was a pop culture phenomenon. I don't think I need to explain what this story's about. Okay, fine. Buffy's a high school student who finds out that she's the chosen one. Apparently, the chosen one has to kill every vampire, demon, gods and what have yous that come crawling out of the Hellmouth that's situated in Sunnydale California. This series had everything I was looking for in a tv show. Drama. Comedy. Action. Violence. At one point, it even had a musical. Too bad everyone had to move on and this show got cancelled. But this series is one of the shows that I followed religiously. At one point I had to cut some of my night classes to catch a new episode of this series. And by the way, Season 8 of this show is in comics form, and the main villain is Barack Obama. Cool eh?

DOCTOR WHO
This for me is the best science fiction series of all time!!! It does help that it is the longest running sci-fi series according to the Guinness Book of World Records. Doctor Who is about the Doctor. A time and space traveller who saves the world from evil aliens, demons, and other sci-fi baddies along with his sexy sidekicks and his trusty TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimensions In Space) his time and space machine. What can I say, this show is brilliant. It's awesome and for me, this made the Brits cool. It's been on for like 40 years or something, and they thought of a really cool way to explain the change of actors who become The Doctor. It's a very smartly written series and even if it's relatively unconventional as compared to American made shows, Doctor Who can hold it's own by it's originality and pure awesomeness. I wish I own a Tardis.

SCATTERED THOUGHTS: 100TH POST EDITION

2010-02-15T20:31:00.005+08:00

So Valentine's Day just passed by quickly. I was supposed to go out on a man-date yesterday with a fellow single but straight friend, but he bailed out on the last minute so I was left with nothing to do.

The good thing about owning a console is that if you find yourself left out when everyone was out on a date, you'd still have something to occupy the time. That's 25k well spent.

So on the 14th of February 2010, I did nothing the whole day. Typical.

************
My birthday week's next week.

I've pretty much planned out what I'm going to do for the whole five days that I'm on leave, I just hope that those plans push through. Specially the one planned for the weekend.

So I'll be 28 by then. Some would cry. Others would be in denial. There are also those who won't accept growing older. But I'm fine with it. Age is just a number anyway, it's how you live your life that matters.

************
I'm not sure why, but earlier today I've been tripping on Dishwalla's Somewhere In the Middle. Like the whole day, this was the only song I was listening to. Well that and Duffy's Piece Of My Heart, but mostly Dishwalla.

I'm a lyrics guy, and the song doesn't make much sense to me, but I can't help but relate to it's chorus.

tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up
and I can't fall down
and I'm somewhere in the middle of this

Anyway, regardless, I still love this song.

************
Saturday morning I found myself reading through different threads in PinoyExchange. I owe alot to this site, as this was the one that introduced me to the wonderful world of blogging. This is where I met the first person who crossed the line between online and real life friend.

Anyway, I don't know how, but I stumbled upon the local showbusiness thread.

I remember back when I was in high school, one topic that usually gets my gay classmates all loud and violent is the network war. Cable tv wasn't that big back then, so it's mostly channel 2 vs 7. I remember my classmates usually take these topic more seriously than Economics, GMRC or History (I personally think my classmates' opinions on network wars are more interesting than the subjects, except for English Literature).

I was just surprised that even now, eleven years after I graduated from high school, the network war is still raging. People still get violent defending their favorite tv station. And internet ethics are still thrown out the window because of this. It's like nothing really changed.

************
Oh yeah, that weird stalker person is back. And he's creepier than ever.

I honestly thought I'd hear the last from that blogger when I removed him from my friendster and facebook and blocked his username over at ym. But he still lingered.

I thought maybe I should stop posting cheesy stuff in my other blog. Everytime I post one, that's when creepy stalker guy usually starts to message me again. I should leave the cheesy posts here, a blog he's discovered once and didn't come back to again.

Maybe I should take that as a compliment, you know having people respond the way he does to the things I write. But then again, he crossed a line that is acceptable to me or to any sane person out there.

Or maybe I should stop talking about creepy stalkers. I'm pretty sure there's someone out there who thinks I'm one too.

THE EX

2010-02-13T05:13:00.004+08:00

I have been starting and restarting writing a post for this blog for like the last 48 hours. I've deleted like 12 drafts already before I gave in to this post.

This isn't actually an original post. This was originally posted from my other blog. If you've been following both blogs, this may already seem familiar, and to some a dead giveaway to who I really am.

Anyway, I'm actually reposting one of my ex-moments. A post-relationship event that made this person someone I'll never forget. Not because of a sweet memory we shared together, but something more in the line of infamy.

When this thing happened, the ex and me haven't really communicated with each other in over a year. It was a bad relationship. A bad break-up. A bad everything. Only the sex was great. But everything else was bad.

Anyway, one hot summer weekend night, I received a text message from this ex.

Ex was being flirtatious at first, asking how I was. What I've been up to. Where I'm working, the works. At first, I thought the ex was trying to relive the old times, but then a few messages later, I got this...

Ex: nyc to know that ure doing okay. Ngpapyman k n h.
Engel: d nman. bti nman napatxt k. tgl dn tyo di usap.
Ex: actly... hhngi sna ako favor...
Engel: ?
Ex: Do u have 5k i cud borow. kelngn k lng tlga. kkenrol k lng kc, la nako pmbyad s crdt crd k. Pay u s 30.

Don't you just love exes?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY and HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR Y'ALL!!!

THE BIRTHDAY WISH

2010-02-09T10:04:00.005+08:00

The birthday is still a few weeks away, and I know it's too early to make a wish, but I'll still do it anyway.

For my 28th year of existence I was thinking of maybe expanding my circle of friends. You remember what I said about online friends being different from real friends. Well I'd like for this year to have a few people cross that line.

I was debating whether to post this or not as there have been alot of people who've been really nice to me since I made the big move to this new home. There've been alot of people who have figured out who I am and I don't want to miss out on these people. But if I start writing them all down this would pretty much be the longest post you'll ever read. So I thought I have to just limit this list to people who I get to communicate outside of this blog and people who I'd really really want to meet.

TERNIE - Yeah, I'd start with him. In the six months that I've written on this blog, he's probably the closest to crossing the line of online friend and real friend. I've opened up to this guy during the time I was really frustrated. I don't think we have alot in common, and sometimes I think I annoy him. But whatever, I think he's a cool guy. Not sure about busilak, mayumi and dalisay, but I'm pretty sure he's a good person.

MARK - The other person that I get to communicate outside of this blog on a semi-regular basis. Mark is someone I'm pretty sure I have a number of things in common. I get a little insecure because I think he's kind of someone who's out of my league statuswise, but he tells me he's just a regular person. And I appreciate that. Although I'm not sure if that'll ever happen (meeting him), he seems to be an in-demand guy, but who knows. The one time I thought that I was about to meet this guy, I actually looked forward to it, but unfortunately it didn't happen. He's one of the people I enjoy texting or ym'ing with, so there you go.

JOMS - One of the first few people that befriended me in the blogosphere. I think I've known him for about two years now, but I've never actually met him. I've been very vocal about saying that I'm a huge fan of his writing. I may not share his views about some things, but regardless I still think he puts them down in really poignant ways. He's the type of writer I really wanted to be.

ASH - People say that he does not do meet-ups. And I could understand that, knowing his predicament. If I was in his place I'd really really be careful with the people I meet too. Anyway, if ever the chance happens, I have a lot of questions in mind that I wanted to ask him. I mean I could always ask him through YM, but it's different if you're in front of that person. Meeting him is probably the birthday wish that I'm never going to get, but that's okay.

RUDEBOY - The other night, Ternie and I was talking about him, and we both agreed that he is very much fit where he works. He is a smart guy and he really is cool. Ruddie seems to be just like Ash, a person I'd never get to meet. I respect the need to keep his anonimity. I once wanted the same thing. He seems to be the type of person who would make any topic interesting. A real advertising man.

MAXWELL - Maxwell's one of the people I'd really want to communicate with outside of our blogs. He seems to be a very interesting blogger. Someone I think I have things in common with. Okay, at one point I'd say he was one of my online crushes. I really don't know what else to say about Max because I don't get to interact with him other than here and in his home, but I still think he's someone I will get along okay with.

GOODBOI - Ahhh Goodboi, I don't know if we'll get along well in real life. He disagrees with some of the things I write here, but he does so without being insulting. And that's one of the reasons I find him interesting. Opposites attract (not in a romantic way), and Goodboi seems to be the person who eventhough I have different views with, would still be someone that would be fun to hangout with. I enjoy being with intelligent people, and I think he's one of those people.

NYL - He's the newest guy I got to talk to outside our respective blogs. I've always been a fan of his writing, as he seems to often post some really poignant posts. The type of person who makes alot of sense. And like alot of people on this list, a person you know is learned. I can't help but agree with alot of what he writes and sometimes or often, I'm moved with the things he shares with us his readers. That's enough for me to put him on my list of bloggers I'd like to meet.

DOMINIC - Knowing the nature of this blog, any straight blogger who reads this blog, let alone follow and comment in most of my post is a keeper. It also helps that he is a good cook. He asked me one time what I wanted for my birthday, and I said, I'm okay if he lets me taste some of his specialties. I'd like to taste the spaghetti he once posted on his blog. That looked yummy.

ALEXIS JAY - He promised a coffee meet-up so he could could convince me to vote for Noynoy. He's on hiatus right now, and his presence is sorely missed, specially by this blogger. I think he's straight so don't get any ideas. I'm not sure what happened to this guy, but I'm hoping he comes back soon. I miss his posts.

HENRY - I promised this guy I'll lend him some of my comic books and I'm going to stay true to that word. Although I've given up trying to convince him to finally put some closure regarding his dilemma, he's still the type of person I'd like to meet. I haven't talked to the guy lately as he always caught me at a bad time, but I think we still have alot to catch up on.

There are still alot of people I would want to meet. But this post is super long already, so I'd cut it for the meantime. I'm sure there will be another post like this soon. There's still like five or more people that comes to mind when it comes to people I'd like to meet, so don't hate on me if you don't see your name here.

Peace.

WHAT KILLED THE CAT

2010-02-08T02:11:00.002+08:00

I'm just curious.

So please indulge me on this question.

Reading through this blog, what kind of image am I showing off here?

Am I idealistic, realistic, romantic, stupid, you get the idea.

Honestly.

FRIENDS ONLINE

2010-02-04T20:33:00.002+08:00

One of the things I've noticed this afternoon when I did my regular blog visits is that a certain number of people posted topics about friendships. That topic was like the only thing in my head while I was in the shower earlier, so I thought why not just post my two cents.

With my other blog, posting about my friends is like one of my favorite things to do. I post long testimonials to some of my closest buddies, and I pride my relationships with them.

I CHOOSE WHO I BECOME FRIENDS WITH
There is a difference with choosing the people you mingle with or get acquainted to and choosing who to keep as your friends. I'll be honest, I choose the people I befriend. It's my right. It's my life.

I don't choose based on the people's looks, that's stupid. I choose based on who I trust to stick with me for a long time. I was born the year of the dog, so I have their qualities. I tend to be blindly loyal to my friends. Like, I would walk to the ends of the earth just for my buddy. Unless our office declares a certain day as a critical work day, in which case I'll follow my friend the day after.

But just because I choose my friends, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a snob. I am not. I get acquainted with people easily. I'm fairly quiet, but if you get me to open up, I could be very talkative. For me, there is a difference in making friends and making acquaintances.

ONLINE FRIENDS VS REAL FRIENDS
This is already common knowledge, I opened this blog up not only to share my life with people, but also to meet new people. People who I have a lot in common with. While there are alot of people who visit or read or interacts with me here, not all of them I will consider my real friends.

Yes, the interactions are fun. We learn from what we read from each other. We share sentiments through our posts or comments, but it still won't be enough to know the writer behind the blog for real. Not everything written on a blog is the whole truth. It's just the writer's side of the story. And not all stories are real. Sometimes the writer could be the most sentimental, cheesy or ideal person in their blogs, but in real life they're nothing close to what we read.

Outside this blog, I get to interact (sms or ym) with about only 7 bloggers that I've met here. Fewer still are the people I've met in real life (and I don't even communicate with any of them at all). I could always initiate chatting with the people that I admire, but then again I'm shy. The people I talk to now, mostly were the ones who added me up on ym. I rarely initiate, unless that person's someone you'd really want to get to know more (non-romantically of course). And sometimes, there's no way for me to actually get to know these people more.

For me, there's a difference between my blogger friends and my real friends. My blogger friends may know more about me than my real friends, but my real friends are how should I say it... Real.

***********
So what's the point of this post, you ask? I don't know. I just wanted to post something about friends.

I know. Sorry for wasting 5 minutes of your time.

TSK TSK TSK

2010-02-03T15:35:00.003+08:00

On my way to work last Thursday, I came across this couple who were fighting on the walkway along dela Rosa street.

I don't know what they were fighting about but the girl was physically abusing the guy.

The guy was actually hot. Tall nice body. Kind eyes. The girl was definitely not. Okay, she's kinda sexy, but facewise, I really don't know what he saw in her.

She was punching the guy, and he was just letting her. He looked confused.

It pissed me off a little.

Why girls like her are bagging guys like him, when there are alot of people like us who are willing to shower these men with love (I know it's cheesy, but it's true).

Kakairita lang.

:P

*************
Oh yeah, I do apologize if I don't get to bloghop as often as I normally do. I'll be in training for the next three weeks. And when I'm home, I'm mostly playing video games. I don't sleep at all. It's crazy.

Anyway, I'm happy I'm in the same class as crushie, although we have yet to talk to each other, we normally have lunch together. We're a big group.

FEBRUARY

2010-02-01T08:37:00.002+08:00

So it's February.

The Chinese New Year.

Valentine's Day.

Normally, this is a good month for me.

Work's going to be a little bit less stressful, as I'll be undergoing another series of training in line with an upcoming promotion (don't congratulate me yet, it also means more work for me). Oh yeah, and it's been confirmed I'll be transferred again in a couple of months. I'll be going back to my old department (which is essentially delivery status only more complicated).

Oh yeah, training will be exciting because I'll be in the same class as crushie!!! As if something will happen between us. But the prospect of finally interacting with him is exciting. So wish me luck on that.

***********
I have no date on Valentine's Day. No prospect. And I don't really care anymore. It would be nice of course if there is. But I've learned not to make a big deal out of it. I'll just let the teenagers, indays and badongs have their day of fun.

I'm not bitter!

**********
I'm just thankful January's over. Too much to look forward to this month. New video game out in a few weeks. Hopefully my salary increase for the year will be as acceptable as last year's. I'll find out by the end of the month. It's likely that I'll be travelling up north by the last week of the month. And oh yeah, I have another four day weekend this month.

And of course, in a few weeks I'll be turning 28.

I'm expecting gifts!!! =P

OKAY, I AM. BUT...

2010-01-28T16:23:00.003+08:00

I remember a few years back, I was forced to open up to this person where I worked. Apparently her gaydar was stronger than those of the real gay guys in the office. She just asked me point blank, if I am gay. I don't know what I was thinking but I said yes. I could've denied it, but I didn't.

But what irked me about what happened, was not that she asked me, but how she reacted. She asked me why I'm not like the other gay people in the office. I was like, 'what the fuck?!'
Stereotyping much?

Okay, I'm gay but...

I DON'T LIKE WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES
Yeah, I don't want to be a girl. Not all gay people wants to be one. I'm happy with how I look. I don't wear girls dresses. I have never imagined myself (maybe that one time - no - nope not once) did I see myself dress like a girl. Oh God, me in a dress. Sends shivers up my spine. Ugh.

I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING CALLED GIRL, BADETTE, SISTERETTE
Not that anyone calls me that. I guess the advantage of not having gay friends is that I don't get called that. I don't think it's going to be an issue with me if you call me that. I just won't turn around.

I AM NOT LOUD
I'm not a screaming faggot. You won't ever see me walking around the office being I don't know, gay. I joke around, throw inappropriate words every once in awhile. But mostly, I'm this shy reserved guy. I'm actually, really quiet.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND GAY LINGO
I don't have alot of gay friends, so I'm not exposed to the language. I can comprehend the simple stuff, but if you go all gaga on me, chances are, I'll only say 'okay'. And it's very doubtful you'll hear me speak gay. It wouldn't come off natural. I even find it awkward saying churva.

I guess all that I'm saying is that I'm pretty much boring. =)